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My LDR boyfriend wants to try to have a baby but we would still be long distance after the baby was born.

Tagged as: Family, Long distance<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 May 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 19 May 2017)
A female Australia age 36-40, anonymous writes:

hi guys and girls,

i need some advice, i cant wrap my head around a situation what could happen. Me and my long distance relationship have been talking about the future, ( before I go into too much detail, we have been together over a year and a half)

so we was talking and he wants a baby, I'm not sure the prospect scares me but at the same time I am running out of time.

he suggests that we try, but then he suggests that we stay in the same situation and once the baby is born we still carry on long distance. so basically I would have the baby on my own apart from once a month when I see him, that means the whole pregnancy, the birth, the raising of the child would be my responsibility.

I know the answer is clearly, don't have the baby, but as much as I am scared this may be my only chance.

help, I need opinions and advice . can a family work like this? would it ruin our relationship?

thanks guys and girls

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (19 May 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntAt your age, an LDR should be closed within a year. Very few excuses for it not to be. Do not have a baby with a man who isn't around. It's one thing to choose to be a single mother (adoption or sperm donor) and it's another to deliberately have a child with an absent father.

I'd reconsider how long your ldr will last.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (19 May 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt I'd have an issue with being long distance as it is - apparently , for an undisclosed length of time ? - even before than with becoming a single mother !

If this is what you want to be , cool. Being a single parent is not everybody's cup of tea, and parental responsibilities are way more manageable when shared - financially, practically and emotionallly - with a partner who is actually, literally present - but you are grown up enough to know what you want, and what you can handle, so if you decide that you 'd be willing and able to raise a child on your own, at least for now if not forever- that's quite a legitimate choice.

But, you have been 18 months long distance, plus you'll be 9 months of pregnancy still long distance, plus he already says that you'll stay long distance when the baby is born ... and to leave things as they are...

Well, when do you, or does he , have in mind to close the gap and terminate the distance ? The point and scope of any LDR is to get it to NOT be an LDR at some point- and reasonably early. Otherwise, you do not have a relationship IRL, you have a penpal, or a once -a-month sex buddy, or an occasional visitor, or whatever.... but not a husband or a steady companion , and even less a family.

Are you sure that you are OK with remaining in this kind of relational limbo ? What's in it for you ??

I mean, perhaps you feel that you are running out of time for having a baby, and you might be right .... but surely you aren't running out of time for having a real relationship ? Why, with all the people in their 70s dating left and right - they even have their own dating sites and speed date events and single cruises...

Unless maybe the idea is to get pregnant by this long distance guy - and then , as soon as you are pregnant, cut bait, toss him back, and sail to more fishable seas ?....

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (19 May 2017):

chigirl agony auntIf it was me, I would ask myself what I wanted. Not what is the "supposed" way of doing things. Do you want a child, and with this particular man? Can you handle being a single mom (because thats what you will have to be until /if you move together)?

If you want a child, because of time running out, then go to a fertility clinic and use a sperm donor. Dont just have a kid with a man you otherwise would not have wanted a child with.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2017):

You need to think what is in the best interest of the child too. Is this how you would of liked to of been raised, going back and forth between parents?

It sounds like he wants to be a dad, but isn't willing to give up anything. If he cared about you, he'd be with you. He'd want to offer you and the baby a stable, secure, loving home. Is this really a man you'd want to have a baby to, he won't even be there for you when you need him. Don't have a baby because it might be your last chance, that isn't fair to the child.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (19 May 2017):

Honeypie agony auntPersonally, I wouldn't do it.

But... you are not me and I'm not you. IF you WANT a child and can HANDLE being a single parent (in most respects) and you WANT him to be the father - then perhaps it's not the worst idea ever. However, I think to have a child with a man you have NEVER lived with and who CAN'T be around to help you during the pregnancy and rearing the child - I think it's a little foolish.

Do you HAVE a good support net outside of this man? Who can help you out if need be?

Can it work? Well for HOW LONG is the plan to be LRD?

Of course, a couple can hand being apart, even with a small child. I have been there done that. Even with 3 small children and hubby gone for 19 months to Afghanistan, To Iraq and various schools and field exercises. He has missed MORE birthdays than been there for them and our oldest is now 17. He might have made it for 6-7 of hers?

Sorry to be blunt.

But UNLESS you two make a plan to MAKE this a VIABLE relationship where you LIVE together and WORK on it, what is the point?

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (19 May 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntIf you feel this is your last chance at having a child (ticking clock) and if you are fully prepared to be a single mother, and if you have done your sums and believe you can support a child then go for it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2017):

"Can a family work like this?"

No. A family can only work when two prospective parents stop to consider what would be in the best interests of their child and not what is most expedient for them.

Do you really think a child would benefit from having a father who passes off the responsibility of parenthood so lightly that he'd be willing to be a long-distance stranger to his own kid for his personal convenience?

You don't even know if the two are you are compatible as a cohabiting couple. Why on earth would you even consider bringing a child into the world when you can't even provide him/her with a permanent stable two-parent home?

This is a huge red flag. I would be very suspicious of his motives. I can't believe you are taking him seriously.

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