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Boyfriend's emotion letter to ex for closure has left me feeling second best

Tagged as: Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 May 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 20 May 2017)
A female Australia age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I'm in a confused relationship, my boyfriend of 3 years (were living together) send a closure to his ex-gf behind my back. She cheated on him with another guy 5 years before we got together. He already told me that he dated one girl after her before he dated me, he also told me she would call him for emotional support and they would talk for hours on the phone while he was in a relationship with the girl before me. I told him I'm not going to date someone that is still in contact with his ex-gf.....he promised that he will never talk to her anymore. She is married now and her husband and my bf hate each other, he was in the shower one day he forgot to close his email from our computer thats when I saw a crazy long closure he send to her. This letter was so emotional and sweet, pain, heartbreak, first love, I was literally crying when I read's like I can feel his pain and his love for her was very real. We got into a fight and he defended himself saying it's the right thing to do b/c she's still contacting him. He is so selfish all he thinks about is his feelings and her feelings, all I wanted was an apology for breaking his promise to me instead he got so defensive. If I ever brought it up he would yell and cuss me out, is this behavior normal? I left him before he was crying almost passed out so I stayed......I feel very insecure now, I feel like I'm second place to this woman.

View related questions: his ex, insecure

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A female reader, Intrigued3000 Canada +, writes (20 May 2017):

Intrigued3000 agony auntI feel your pain. This happened to me before and I left. Best thing I ever did. I would advise that you do the same. He's not over her. He's still in love with her. You are there to fill the void but he still feels empty without her. Don't waste any more time on this guy. If she left her husband and made a move on him, he would leave you. If he was truly over her, he would cease all contact with her. Leave him. Take some time to heal and then start dating again. Don't fall for his weak tears. He cried only because he's afraid to be alone to feel the pain that his ex left him with. Tell him you deserve a man who writes you love letters, not letters to an ex. He is not that man.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (20 May 2017):

Ivyblue agony auntHow hurtful for you. I have to agree with with the others. You and he are not alone in this relationship at all. Physically yes but where it counts the most emotionally, no there is three of you. That is just not fair to you. I would suspect that her husband does not know of their contact, if not, matched with you not knowing till now by accident, they are cheating on both of you. Emotionally, and that packs just as much punch, if not more, than physical. The only other female a man should be spending quality emotional time with during a relationship is being a father to a child. You deserve to be treated better. Best of luck and take care

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (19 May 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntHe's not over her yet and I doubt if he ever will be. You're right when you say that you're at second place. If that wasn't bad enough, he yells and cusses at you. Don't get taken in by the crocodile tears, they don't mean a thing. Just get up and leave because nothing's going to change.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (19 May 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntIt sounds to me like he still has strong feelings for her.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (19 May 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntNo, it's not normal behaviour. He should be trying to reassure you and rebuild your trust, not shout and swear at you for mentioning it.

There are 3 of you in this relationship and it doesn't sound like he wants to change that.

In your shoes I would wish him well and leave him to pine after his ex. Until he has properly moved on, any other woman in his life is going to come a very poor second. You deserve better.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (19 May 2017):

N91 agony auntYour BF very clearly still has some lingering emotions for his EX. YOU need to decide what you want to happen. Do you stay and encourage him to open up to you so you can see where he's up to? Or do you just up and leave because you know he's still not fully over it?

I don't blame you for not knowing what to do, but you can't go on feeling like you're competing for his emotion with his ex. Think long and hard about it, whether you want him to open up to you, or you walk.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (18 May 2017):

It is time for the two of you to part ways. Eight years after she cheated on him she is still contacting him even though she is married. If her husband knows they are in contact is it any wonder he hates your bf. He knows his wife still has a thing for another guy.

Also why would you stay with a man who yells at you and curses you? Because he cried? You deserve better, go find it!

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