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Closure on possibly unfaithful ex boyfriend

Tagged as: Cheating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 May 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 19 May 2017)
A female Brazil age 22-25, *crystalxo writes:

I was in a four year relationship in which I pretty much did everything for my partner. I paid for everything, was disrespected, even had him move in with me for a couple months until he got back on his feet. I come from an extremely broken family but have always given him love the best of my ability and have always tried to make things work for the both of us. I noticed a change in his behaviour he started to make me feel worthless.....

Back in December I found messages from a girl we'll call her Laura, at his job (a job that I helped him get through a job opportunity my sister brought to me) Very casual at first but then got a bit more personal and I saw things I thought were alarming. These conversations were going on for about 8 months. He said he knew Laura from middle school. So I did a bit of digging. I found the girls Instagram, messaged Laura as pretending to be an old time friend looking for a long lost middle school friend. She told me she never went to that school so I was able to find out that he was lying so I screenshot the conversation and broke up with him. He messaged Laura and APOLOGIZED to her saying and notified her that I was his girlfriend.

Now fast forward to April of this year, my sister worked at the location he works at for a much longer time than she did. She asked around to some friends in his department to see if anyone knew Laura. And one male in particular we'll call him "Patty" called my sister and told her that there was a rumour she had sex with my ex boyfriend. Patty is friends with Laura but a LONG TIME friend with my sister and he said that one day, Laura came to him crying about my ex saying that she had no idea he had a girlfriend and that I had messaged her on Instagram for answers. My sister knew nothing about the messages I sent to Laura on Instagram so I know there is SOME truth to Patty's story. At this point I just want to know the truth. I tried to ask Laura EXTREMELY politely but she was extremely rude to me. My ex boyfriend says he never had sex with her and I don't believe him. I really just want to know the truth does anyone have ideas on approaching him differently or how I can get some closure. I want to know if I should be worried. I've already made an appointment to get tested. Or advice on how to move on without the truth?!! Please please please help me I have not been to work in 3 weeks and am so heartbroken over this.


View related questions: broke up, heartbroken, move on, my ex

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (19 May 2017):

Break-up and move on. What is closure? Closure is just to plead a case why someone should stay; or just whining and complaining for someone to feel sorry for you. It won't change the fact you're broke-up; and it won't make you feel any better that your boyfriend is a cheater. He might apologize, but the deed is still done. Apologies don't make cheating on you feel better. They're nice to get, but it is what it is.

He denies it. So, if he admits it, you'll feel better and it will all go-away? No, it won't. People looking for closure are still clinging-on. They can't deal with their feelings; so they've got to keep going back to the person who hurt them over and over again to show them how much they're hurting. Sometimes to tell them off. Let him go. Closure means nothing. It will change nothing. You'll make your own closure when you shut that door, and move forward. That's closure. Not arguments and horrific blowouts about what he did to you. You can't punish him. Moving on, will heal you.

Heartbreak is painful, but you do have some control over your emotions. Allow yourself time to grieve, but pull-back to avoid depression and despair. Avoid self-pity and dramatics. You can wallow in a lot of wasted emotion. If it starts to effect your work-performance and you become emotionally-distraught; you're giving him way too much control over your feelings. Then it may be good that you've broken-up; because you were far too emotionally-dependent and didn't save enough love on reserve for yourself.

You went above and beyond to get the dirty-details. You know what he did, so there's your closure. Why are you dragging-out your agony? You know the truth, you're just in denial. That's normal, because you're still in shock; and you want to make sense of his cheating. That will never happen. He did what he did, and a lot of talking and explanations only deepens your wounds. It doesn't make you feel better, sweetheart.

Cut all ties, shut-off your emotions regarding your old relationship. Go no-contact, and resist the impulse to call. Cry, but then resist shedding too many tears. Make up your mind you're going to get through this. It's supposed to hurt. It's a loss, but anything lost can be regained. You can do better. He may not be your first or last breakup.

Someone who dumped me, told me I deserved someone better.

It was true, and I found him. I was hurt, but I struggled my way back and out of my pain. Like you, I wrote about it. I helped others going through it.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." You're not even 25 yet. Look at all the time you have ahead of you to find better dudes!!! You're free now. Focus on rebuilding your strength, bettering yourself as a person, healing; and be selfish and independent. Life does this for our own good.

It means your destiny is calling, and you should be heading in a different direction. He was just the wrong-turn in your journey through life. Take a deep-breath, you've got too much life and youth ahead to be stuck under his heel.

If you met him four years ago; it's been too long. You need to focus on you and a career. You need to grow-up without training-wheels and some guy to lean on for his strength. You better get out there in life and develop your own muscles and tools for survival. Good strong men deserve good strong women. Not victims and wimpy females. You can't and won't survive, if you let any man tear you down so easily.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (19 May 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntHow will anything change whether you know the truth or not? He's your ex and it doesn't matter in the least. And let's say that for the sake of argument he DID have sex with her which is likely, so what now? You know he's an ass and he's not a part of your life.

Don't waste your precious time and energy on something and someone that doesn't matter. Please, for the sake of your sanity and well being, move on.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (19 May 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntHonestly why does it even matter now? You need to get over this, stop torturing yourself. Get back to work and get on with your life. Yes get tested but other than that stop worrying about your ex boyfriend.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2017):

Stop seeing yourself as heartbroken and get out the super glue.

You are now a defender of human rights and truths.

You could do this through an international organisation like Amnesty International!

They dont like anyone to be tortured and stand against it in unity so stop torturing yourself with thoughts about this advantage taker!

He took advantage of you and he took advantage of Laura.

This despot believes in having his cake and eating it!

But you have safely disengaged and moved out of the relationship with the sleaze bag and you are free to meet someone new.

Laura has put herself between a rock and a hard place.

You are the rock and your exfella is the hardplace.

Dont expect to be friends or friendly to or with her.

She is still in contact with your ex so is a potential spy.

Your new found freedom wings can flap higher and further without any dust about from her presence so stop talking to her fullstop.

You know its unofficial women code that the cheater doesnt confess to the cheated on.

Why would they?

You two dont want to run off as best buddies and push it to implying youre lesbians just to get your ex all hot and cold at the same time.

Lastly you are free to break out of your self imposed prison!

You won 'nice girl award' year after year.

Now its time to have nothing to say to Laura at all!

Why would you when you can get a spiced up sexed up version from patty and you can ask even more personal questions and expect an answer.

He too will spread the gossip further saying to work colleagues "you know she asked me if Laura has given a blowjob to every guy on the premises and I showed her our red diary where we each ticked our sessions off and I explained that the green writing was the marks we gave her for the time taken!

No one gets less than 50% because its standard that you go into the creepy office for a creepy 50 % for time management and throwing caution to the winds!"

Dry your eyes and shake your very honoerable tush and get back to work to listen in on the gossip!

Except it might be so passee by now!

Just go back to do the job and not as fallen gossip drama queen but as someone whos been there done that and got the jacket.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2017):

It' is difficult sweetie, not have the full picture of what went on between your ex and this girl . But being realistic I feel you never will .

How can you trust anything, he says . This girl doesn't want to relive it as for her ( she sees herself as a victim by not knowing about you ) so she will not answer any qs .

You do however have some information that seem to be a similar match to what you already know . And that is sometimes more than most people who are cheated on receive .

So .. what now ..

Take time to mourn the ending of this relationship, be strong in the fact that you didn't love him and took good care of him - you have depth that will make you a prize to the next man that you met ( when ready ) .. you have the abilities that he does not .. this wasn't you or anything you didn't do . This is about a guy; who feels the grass is always greener on the other side . So let his go and graze .. no amount of wanting answer will get you anywhere . He's been lying for so long . How can you trust anything .

Get out about with friends and family .. slowly build back up . Take any memories of him and box them away . Block and delete him from ever being able to contact you in any shape or form .

Don't be frightened to cry or be sad this is like a death .. you must mourn it and then move on .. get a lil angry .. I mean you deserve so much better how dare he treat you like this . Fuel that to say youbknow what I do deserve better .. and mean it . Out there is someone who will respect and love you as much as you do them ..

Take care chin up and if you need any advice or a rant we are listening

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (19 May 2017):

N91 agony auntYou need to stop obsessing over this. It is in the past, it is done. Whether it is true or not, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

Your ex was an ass and you're through with him, you need to be looking to the future and getting back on your feet, not worrying about trying to find out what has already happened. What good will come out of contacting him? You're just giving him the satisfaction of knowing he's still in your head, even if you ask him is he likely to tell the truth? I very much doubt it.

Stop letting him control your thoughts and regain your life back. It may be a good idea to seek therapy to move past this. He's not worth a second of your thoughts.

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