A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am under a little bit of stress over my relationship. We have been together for 3 years and had plans real soon of asking for her hand; however all of the sudden my job, car and where I live gets brought up. Funny thing is that it wasn't really a problem before. Now it is. I feel very inadequate in this relationship now as I see many conditions in place to take it to the next level. For example: I need to get a better job, newer car, have plans not to stay in my house, start saving more money. Any tips on how to handle this? BEcause I feel like I am supposed to try to control things that I have little control over (like the job market)For the record I do have a good job that allows me to live in a modest neighborhood and actually be able to maintain a house there. I had planned on getting another car anyway by the end of the year.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 May 2010):
 A number of years ago, my husband and I had the opportunity to live overseas. He had a three-year assignment with his company. We sold our cars and found a renter for our house and moved over to start this new adventure.
We needed to buy a car and what was funny was how our thought process changed because we knew we were on a finite amount of time there. We considered cars we NEVER would have thought about buying here at home. We realized that we were simply dating the car we were buying. It was a short-term relationship, doomed to end at a set time and we knew it. We looked at 2 seat convertibles, all these wacky and impractical vehicles that look fun and are never really serious contenders for purchase here at home.
All this time, you've been the date. Now, suddenly the thought of this thing becoming permanent looms and the selection criteria changes. That's the only thing that has changed. The list of requirements for "boyfriend" is a much shorter and less constricting than the list of requirements for "husband."
She'll get past it, as long as you two can figure out if her long-term goals and yours coincide. It might not be a bad thing for you to do one of those pre-marital counseling things they do in certain churches. Get all the potential pitfalls out in the open before you enter into any binding contracts with her.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 May 2010):
 Exactly. I think she just wants to motivate you, to spur you a bit. If you like or dislike being spurred,that's another story :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to ad a bit more context, her income can easily out pace most incomes at any level. It is jsut the nature of what she does for a living.
BAsed upon all of your answers and other things I can only think that, now that this relationship is near the part where I would get down on one knee, she maybe experienceing security issues. I am set in my ways in a lot of areas and maybe she doesn't want me to get too comfortable.
At least thats the only reasoning I can think of. If she plans on gold-digging me, she must really be desperate (hehe).
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 May 2010):
After your updates, I don't judge your gf's attitude as severely as my fellow DearCupiders. I would like to stress that I am not trying to meddle in your financial business, and that not knowing you and her, I might be widely off the mark. It's just that some things you wrote gave me an idea of what could possibly pass through her mind.
For instance : you are not living at your full potential now. Ok. You are between 36 and 40, when do you want to start ? At 50 ? At 60 ?- If (IF ) you feel you want an upgrade in income and career, the moment for pursuing it is now.
The house- yours is a good and sensible plan- might as well to implement it before starting a family rather than after.
The savings - yr gf knows she has an advantage over you in that . Living at home she can save a big chunk of her paycheck and you can't. I don't think she expects you to match her. I guess she just does not want to feel the only "ant " in your couple and she would like to see you make even a small ,symbolic gesture ,like cutting on something voluptuary,for your commom ant-hill.
Again,these are just guesses- but thay reflect the thoughts of many future-oriented ( and not necessarily gold-digging ) women before they take such an important step like marriage.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (22 May 2010):
 That is a red flag. She has now realized the importance of money . Maybe , she is comparing with someone who is better than your financially and is regretting some.Hence those new standards for you .
No matter what you do , it will never be near her new standards for you . It could be the beginning of the end.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2010): Open ur eyes duhhh shes using u im a girl and i know wat girls do im not fake and im gana tell u straight out she just wants your money no offence but probaly she never loved u please think very carefully about what ur gana do well Good Luck you will need it with this type of girl
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 May 2010):
 Have you lived together with her at any point? Has she lived on her own at any point? Excuse me for asking, but how old is she since she still lives at home? Consider that if she has no lived on her own before (paid rent and all thegroceries etc) she is immature in that area. I say immature here because I feel it is mature to know how to live ON YOUR OWN, and if she hasn't been able to do so (living with her parents) she is immature. Nothing against her as a person. Is the age difference large? Then this could be one of those reasons people are so sceptical of relationships with a massive age difference: the difference in maturity.
While she can be saying this to inspire, or she seeks a larger house and all the reasons I previously mentioned... There is a big flaw in her statement when she expects you to save more money. She's not really in a position to talk, as she is skipping out on a lot of bills and gets loads of freebees from her parents. I believe she fails to understand that once you have bills to pay, money just doesn't float around. And she probably wont understand this until she moves out and starts to learn a bit more about responsibilities.
Could it be an idea to, before you propose, ask her to move in with you, and see how that goes? I always think it is wiser to have lived together first and see how that goes before making it permanent. Her demands might disappear as well through some experience. Plus: you would be able to save more money once she pays half the rent...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionchigirl brings up a good point. My house is small...good enough for 2 people, but I always considered it a stepping stone to something else. I would wish to sell it and use the money as a down payment on something else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the tips. Of course there are always 2 sides to any story. She says that I am not living up to my potential (which I suppose I am not) and that she is just trying to be supportive in all of this. She also is someone who saves quite a bit more than I do. I live one step above paycheck to paycheck simply because I have all the expenses associated with a house while she lives at home with her folks. The only thing that struck me was the timing and the fact that she said she doesn't want to start from scratch. IT is always nice to have money set aside. Sure but sometimes that isnt possible.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (21 May 2010):
So, she is the one saying what you have is not good enough? Or is that something you feel yourself? After 3 years with you, do you think she feels you could do better? Or maybe she wants to settle down too and is checking how flexible you would be (perhaps she wants to move because the current house isnt fit for the 5 kids she plans on having)?Check with her reasons to complain first. It could be you two agree, but that she has a different way of expressing "I want a future with you" than proposing. OR, she could be a primadonna and high maintenance. But after 3 years you should know if this is typical of her or not.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 May 2010):
It depends.If your gf sets these conditions about job,car and house as prerequisites for accepting to marry you, then you are right to be wary because that shows a superficial, materialistic and greedy attitude. If these subjects were brought up talking in general about how she sees your life in future,later on...it's not so terrible. People are ambitious by nature,aren't they ? E£verybody wants to go forward,not backward. And if you get married, yes, it's a good idea starting saving more- suppose you have a child, you have no idea what powerful money-burning machines are those little darlings.
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (21 May 2010):
 so if you and your stuff are suddenly not good enough, what then, is she bringing to the table that is so far superior?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 May 2010):
 Hang on - are you saying that SHE is putting these conditions on you, or are you putting them on yourself?If SHE is saying all that to you, and you're 36-40, she should be content with who you are and your place in life. Marriage is about love, and barring any wild financial habits like racking up mega-debt, gambling or drugs, it sounds like you have a good living. She isn't marrying you for money, is she?If she ISN'T saying that to you, and you're just now feeling insecure about your place in life, relax! Love is love, and especially these days, the financial well-being of a household is now supported by two people working now. Sounds like you're a good, honest, hard worker who isn't rich and has to budget like the rest of us.
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