A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts and UnclesI have recently started what is supposed to be a "friends with benefits" relationship with a guy who's almost 20 years older than me. He's an incredibly attractive man and we've liked each other for a few weeks and we finally hooked up. He's separated and has kids etc. which is fine, I made it perfectly clear to him that I only wanted a no strings sexual relationship, which he seemed to understand. I absolutely do not want another proper relationship with anyone, I want to enjoy some single time, which I also made clear to this man. I also made it clear that both he and I were totally free to see other people. It was my understanding that he was ok with this but on the first day we hooked up his behaviour screamed everything but no strings. He kept talking about the future, like in years, asked me do I believe in fate (that we met) and stuff like that and he was very affectionate with me in bed, doing things that couple's would do and that was only the first time we hooked up. I've never had another FWB relationship, so I wasn't really sure what to expect but I know for a fact that this behaviour is not typical FWB behaviour. Also he has erectile problems which is frustrating. And now I don't know what to do, I'm shocked that he seemed to have such emotion for me so soon, when I first get with people, it's usually attraction and lust I feel, but it takes time for emotions to develop. I genuinely thought that the attraction was purely sexual and lusful on both sides.He seems like the kind of person who's easily hurt, but I'm guessing my best move would be to quit now while I'm ahead and try to limit the amount of hurt that's going to happen if more emotions start to develop.I feel very sympathetic for him because he seems lonely and he seems to like the company of a partner, rather than sex. I'm confused and disappointed I really don't know how to broach this. My instincts are telling me that he has hope that I'll change my mind and decide to be with him. I am just so confused, I don't know how to handle this situation. How do I tell him that I don't want to become a part in his daily life or his family life, which I seriously don't, I think it's incredibly unfair to expect a person nearly half your age to possibly become a part of your life and your children's lives, I just don't want that, he has built his life and I don't think I'd have the strength to become a part of that, I want to be free, but how do I tell him? I feel that it was much too soon for his emotional behaviour.It was over before it even began. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (2 December 2013):
 Your instincts sound solid..follow them and forget FWB it NEVER works out very well from what I read on this site and others. Good Luck
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 November 2013):
 Yeah there's FWB sex and there's NSA sex. they often get confused.
Cindy makes good points.. he may be saying what he knows is expected of a guy (back when he was your age FWB was not really acceptable for young ladies) who is sleeping casually with a woman.
What you want is NSA... not Friends. friends have futures... friends can have dinner and talk and be companions... NSA.. it's come in get laid get out...
which do you really want?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): I agree with Cindycares. The minute I read your post my thought was he might be just as well pretending to be all lovy dovy to prolong your relationship and to compensate his ED. Though you are saying that you only want FWB situation, he might not believe it. Also if he is in his 40s as you stated, he is most likely not accustomed to this new development in human relationships as FWB. Though situations like that Existed, most of them were created by men, but it was very different. Men would start out by feeding a bunch of lies into a women telling her how much they are smitten and how they want relationship. As soon as a woman gave in , and sex part started, men were trying to minimalize little by little the " real relationship" part by reducing courting, outings, cuddling, conversations and only kept a certain girl just for sex until the moment that woman realized that this is what it was and dumped a guy.This is exactly what this older friend of yours did in his younger days, and this is the only behavour he is accustomed to. For him a woman who wants only sex is a creature from another planet, so my opinion he doesn't really believe you. Now, I really need to understand something here: why on Earth you found someone so much older than you that really could be your father for a fun easy FWB ? Many men after 40 start loosing testosterone, start havin ED and on average they have half of a sex drive than a young 20 something years old stud. FWB is 100% just for sex. Who can do the sex part better than a hot horny 25 years old?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 November 2013):
 Being the wary ,suspicious minded, been-there-done-that Aunt that I am, I would not put SO much stock on his love and devotion proffers after the first hook up . Not that it really would matter , mind you- if he REALLY is a sensitive carebear of a guy which would be hurt by FWB, that's still HIS problem, he's a grown up and it would be up to HIM protecting his own heart, not to you - but since you have generous scruples, ... what I am saying is, it's not gold all that shines.
I mean, you may find him attractive, but to most women your age he would be an old fart with plenty of baggage and ED ( an FWB with ED ?... not very fir for the role ! ). He would not have a lot of game , and he is obviously elated of having got himself such a young sexy prize , so it make sense that he would try his best to fidelize the client even in lack of real attachment and real feelings.
The point being, that you can have sex with someone like him in a snap of your fingers, but he cannot have sex with someone like you without luck and patience.
So he is laying it on thick , in the assumption ( not that terribly wrong because statistically it is true ) that women SAY they don't want anything serious but deep down they often want more, and that anyway everybody likes a good long heavy ego stroke, so showing oneself smitten cannot hurt.
Anyway, again, this is just my " conspiracy theory "- as for you, it's not that I want to encourage you to be mean or insentive, but, really, what he feels and thinks is no skin off your nose, being that he has been " hired " as an FWB - not a bf - in the first place.
It's not even a case of being selfish, I think, just of being practical. Same as you would not buy a dress that does not suit you just in order to not hurt the shopkeeper's feelings, so why on earth you should keep an FWB that can't provide exactly what you require, i.e. good sex with no emotional strings attached.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): Seriously? This person may sound good in theory, but as a 27/m who has never had a g/f, relationship, etc... I just can't help but cringe and want to puke in my mouth when I think about someone who was my dads age dating girls my age. I have enough trouble dealing with lunatic b/fs my own age, and douchebag frat boys, the last thing I want to deal with is a guy 55 years old with experience under his by and cash saved up from extra 20 years be side we all know girls are just sugar mommies in this situation.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 November 2013):
 Trust your gut here. End it. I don't think he can do FWB - and I think you misunderstand the term, what you are really looking for is NSA (No strings Attached.)
FWB implies that you were friends who took to the bedroom on occasion. Not sleeping with a kind of stranger.
There is nothing wrong in you not wanting more, and therefore walking away from this one seem like the best idea.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (21 November 2013):
 How long was he married for? He's probably so used to what marriage is like that he's unable to separate sex from emotions. Or he may be looking to replace his wife with you because of being lonely. Which is irrational. But people do that all the time.
Either that or maybe he's just trying to not make you feel used. Not that you should or would feel that way. But some women do after sex with no strings attached. Maybe it's his way of trying to make you feel good? Without realizing it's pushing you away? Basically like sweet talking you.
Talk to him one more time. See what he says. And go from there. If you still feel he can't get on board, find someone else.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (21 November 2013):
 If he's fairly newly separated, he's used to being in a marriage and therefore part of a couple. Hence he's acting like you're a couple, and he's getting carried away in future-faking. He sounds a bit messed up, probably from his marriage breakdown. Sad, but certainly not your responsibility.
You can let him down gently.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 November 2013):
It sounds like you're right. He's probably kind of lonely and looking for companionship (not necessarily a relationship).
You can call it off and still be kind about it. Tell him that you think he's a great guy and you're very attracted to him, but you feel like you both want different t things from this arrangement, so it's best to find someone who's looking for something closer to what either of you are looking for.
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