A
female
age
51-59,
*unny69
writes:I have a big problem which I don't know how to deal with and I would apreciate some advice on what to do.I am married to the most wonderful man in the world (well for me anyways). A couple of months ago I had lunch with one of our oldest friends and he told me something that left me devastated.He told me that when my husband was a small boy (around 8) that he was once raped by his older brother. I have always known there was something not right between my husband and his brother. My husband has a very unhealthy relationship to his brother. He is emotional dependent on him. His brother says and my husband does. They have to see each other every day and if that's not possible they talk all day through text messages and always a phone call at night. It's like my husband worships him and when his brother comes around he becomes no.1 priority. He even gets a higher rank than the kids and I. When his brother is around, we are second best.But my husband doesn't even realize that he is doing it. So, when I try to talk to him about it, be gets totally defensive and accuses me not wanting him to spend time with his brother. Which wasn't the case until now. NOW I don't even want that bastard in my house.I know they were both kids, but in my book it's unforgivable. He hurt my husband and it has created serious issues for him.He also has anger issues as well. He's not a violent person and we don't fear him. But he bottles things up inside until he explodes. He is very emotional, he cries easily, he feels useless and worthless and even gets depressed at times.I love my husband with all my heart and I would never hurt him. I was told about all this in secret, so I can't confront him about it. I wish he could open up to me but I doubt that will ever happen. I would assume that he's ashamed.But what can I do to help him? Besides loving him and showing him respect. I daily let him know how much I'm still in love with him after all these years together. I let him know how important he is to us and what a fantastic man, husband and father he is. I think he needs therapy but I can't suggest it to him when I'm not supposed to know this.This is a huge burden on me and I have issues with his brother now. I loathe that SOB....no actually I HATE him for what he has done.He knows he has this power over my husband and I always found it odd that he obviously enjoys it. I never understood why, until now.I have never hated anyone in my life, but I sure do now.I don't know how to deal with my husband's pain and my raging anger towards his brother. I wish he would just vanish from this earth and leave my husband alone. Because when he's not around, my husband is a different man.Please can someone give me some good advice? I need it badly!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012): Hi. You are most welcome. I hope the books I mentioned in a previous post are of some assistance in helping you to understand your husband and his behavior.
A
female
reader, Sunny69 +, writes (3 May 2012):
Sunny69 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Female Reader Anonymous from May 2nd. 2012 (right below this post)I cannot even begin to express my gratitude for your post. You really made things so clear for me, now knowing what has to be done and how I can be the best wife to my husband.The things you wrote really made a lot of sense and set this entire situation in a whole new perspective.You are so right about everything especially that if he discloses it to his family (parents etc) he would lose his entire family. In spite of him being the youngest out of 4 boys, no one would ever believe him, because everyone sees his brother as a saint. So, this can never come out and I think he knows this.Yes, I am sure he would be afraid of losing the kids and me and that I would look at him differently and maybe even love him less. Which of course isn't so but I can understand his fear of that. We have been through a lot together and I just don't think he wants to risk the fantastic marriage we have in spite of it all.The symptoms you talked about, especially the low self-esteem - yes I recognize all of them in him and it hurts me beyond words to know he is suffering. I have heard him say many times over the years that he doesn't feel like a real man and I never understood why he was feeling like this.But yes, you are right about that he has developed this unhealthy relationship to his brother over years since he was a kid. It's become a way of survival for him and it has been like this for so long that he can't see anymore how abnormal it is. It is normal to him and it helps him to contain the terrible secret he carries within.Thanks to you I understand him now better than ever and I cried when I read your post. It went straight to my heart and mind.I have decided to be the wife to him that he needs. I will not let him know that I know about this and I will be understanding to his anger issues and bad days in general. I will give him the love that I know he needs from me so much.For his sake I will also stay nice to his brother. I can't help but being cooler but I can force myself to overcome the worst reactions for my husband. But I will keep an eye on his brother and I will never again let him be alone with any of our kids again. That ship has sailed! For now, my husband needs for us to stay the way we are and I am willing to give him that if that makes him happier and eases his mind. I love him more than my own life and there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for him. He will have my love and support. I know I can be him an even better wife now because I can look beyond my own needs and make sure HIS needs are met. He has been through enough and I am not willing to hurt him further.And should things get rough for me with the negative feelings towards his brother, then yes, I will seek counseling.Once again, thank you SO much for putting things in the right perspective for me. God bless you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): Hi. Yes if your mutual friend is correct about the abuse, your husband will have his reasons for never disclosing. Mainly tremendous shame, fear and hopelessness. You will know how very difficult it is to even contemplate mentioning this subject to him. So imagine then, how much harder it would be for him to try and talk about it to someone who he thinks knows nothing about it, someone he has kept this hidden from for many years. Disclosing might feel like an impossible thing for him to do. He might feel he can barely cope with his own emotions now, let alone cope with yours if he discloses. All the difficult questions he`d face could be daunting if he doesnt have the answers himself. The judgement he might be convince he would receive...the rejection. These things can be very frightening to contemplate. So silence is maintained while many male victims try and live in denial and (wrongly) feel their failure to disclose is just another symptom of their ineffectiveness to behave like a `real man`. Feeling they lack the courage to disclosed is sadly, just another affirmation to many that they ARE ineffectual and worthless.Remember all the emotions you are experiencing now are not new to your husband. If abuse did take place, he will have lived with a rage that you might glimpse in his eyes at times and find quite unnerving. He will have lived with the depression, low self esteem and very difficult, complex relationship with his brother from childhood. Sadly this is his life. How he `lives` or rather, how he survives is normal to him and he might feel this is how he is destined to live out the rest of his life. Because to him it might seem better than disclosing, feeling shamed, facing judgement, possibly losing you and his family, definitely losing his brother and maybe other family members who chose not to believe his disclosure. Just that one simple fact alone, that they might not be believed by other family members, keeps many victims silent for ever. You mention the hatred. It is a perfectly natural response. The first time its experienced will leave you shaken because it is a very powerful emotion but it is a very negative emotion too. So try and override it. For now, just distance yourself from his brother. Try and avoid him and dont leave your children alone with him. Until you have confirmed the abuse even took place there is no real substance to this revelation. So take a deep breath and count to 10 when you need to. Hate is a pointless emotion, let it wash over you. Dont feed it or it will grow, starve it of attention and energy. You are in survival mode at the moment and need to prioritize and hate needs to be at the bottom of the pile. It wont help you or your family if you waste your emotional resources on hatred. But if you cant ignore it, you decide not to talk to your husband and sort things out. Then you might benefit from some counseling to help you cope with things. Doing some research on the subject of abuse will help while you are deciding whether or not to speak to your husband. If you find it too difficult to broach the subject to him, then his friend might need to help out by talking to him first. He could explain that he HAD to let you know about it because of the way your husband is worrying you with his behavior. Your husband might not be very happy that his friend disclosed but if things are handled correctly, he might later decide that the disclosure was the best thing that`s ever happened to him.
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A
female
reader, Sunny69 +, writes (1 May 2012):
Sunny69 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for this advice and for the book titles. I will absolutely look into that.
I totally get what you saying about being careful with the approach. I'm so afraid to hurt him further and I'm not even sure at the moment if I should ever confront him about it. After all, we have know each other for the past 20 years and he has never told me about it. I am sure he has his reasons and today I think it's just buried way deep down inside of him. Question is, should I bring it all back for him and hurt him this way? Or just stay quiet and patiently wait until he maybe confides in me? I guess, there is no real answer to that one.
Another thing I am worried about now is my hate towards my brother-in-law. I cannot help feeling disgust and hate for him and what he did to the love of my life. The bad feelings are just raging inside of me and leaving me in an aweful foul mood, which even my husband notices. We argue more than usual too, which is not my intent and I feel horrible once we make up, which is usually after 10 mins.
Any ideas how I can work on my anger issues now? I have never felt like this about anyone. So this form of hate is new to me and it scares the living daylights out of me. I don't like this side of me. I have always seen myself as a good christian woman and now I all this hate....
And let me add here in the end real quick how grateful I am for all of you who have tried replied here so far. I truely appreciate it. God bless you all! Thank you!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): Hi. If you feel this revelation by your mutual friend is correct. Then I can understand how distressing this must be for you and your overwhelming need to do something to help your husband. But before you talk to your husband, I would strongly recommend you research the subject a little. There are some informative books available. You could try a couple of books recommended by male victims of abuse....Victims No Longer by Mike Lew and Abused Boys, The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter. Knowledge on the subject will act as a compass for you and make talking to your husband easier for you and less traumatic for him. Sometimes when first approached about abuse, victims can shut down if the situation is not handled correctly, so I would strongly advise some research ahead of talking to him.
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A
female
reader, Sunny69 +, writes (30 April 2012):
Sunny69 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so very much for the responses.Let me answer some of it!I know you all question the source, but I completely trust this person and so does my husband. See, my husband once again went through a bad time and last time it was really bad and I was so worried. So, I asked for this meeting with our friend and when I told him my worries he said that if I knew what he knew then I'd understand. Right when he said that, he regretet it but I pushed him to tell me. Well, obviously I regret now for doing that.My husband confided in him when he was in his teens. So a long time ago, and he has kept it hidden deep down ever since. We are now only 4 people who know about this. My husband, his brother, our friend and I.It's so terrible, because I used to have a good relationship with my brother-in-law, in spite of the warning signs I was having. For the sake of my husband, I just tried to deal with it. Our families have spent a lot of time together. Doing weekend trips or just meeting up for a nice meal. I dearly love his wife and kid. Needless to say that I feel bad for them, because I am sure my brother-in-law has never told his wife about it.These past couple of months I have just been so damn angry and it's getting harder and harder not to show it.Yes, I have been thinking about aproaching my husband telling him that I have noticed this unhealthy relationship between the two of them. But I'm afraid to do so, because my husband knows me too well and he catches on quickly what it really is I am hinting. This is the one thing that defines our marriage. The honesty! We have always been upfront and honest with each other about everything. Well ok, except for this issue of course.If I could just make him tell me, maybe talk some more about our childhoods, then I would help him and get some counseling. No doubt that he needs it very badly.I am so deeply hurting for him and it breaks my heart to see him suffer in silence because he feels that this is the one thing he can't tell me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012): Wow, this is tricky. Firstly, is your source completely trustworthy? Reflect on this a little because you never know.
I think you should consider talking to your husband and mentioning that you've noticed something's not quite right in their relationship and then maybe you can try prompting him into telling you about the rape incident (if it actually happened). This will have to be done very carefully, of course. Then you can proceed to suggest therapy etc.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (29 April 2012):
 Hi
I dont know how you will approach this, its out there like an elephant in the room. If the source of this information is to be trusted and others had knowledge of it,then its a wonder it wasnt dealt with years ago. Your husband,who you clearly love, should have had therapy and counselling. But then you know this.
I do feel you need to talk to somebody,maybe the source, find out why they felt the need to share it after all these years, find out who else is aware of the situation. You need more information before you can decide what to do. One thing is certain your husband did not want you to know or he would have told you himself,long ago. Good luck, I hope others on here can advise you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012): WOW! This is a tough one. I would first caution you in regards to hearsay in this matter. I know your husband did not tell you this first hand, and I'm not saying that the source who told you is lying. What I am saying is...you may not have all the details of the matter.How did you feel about about your BIL before you heard this story? Why did this person feel the need to share this information with you? How long have you been married?I hate those situations where things are told to you in secret AND you can't say anything about it, but now your whole disposition towards the BIL has changed. I have the feeling that, because you husband has such a strong bond with his brother, your disposition towards him is going to really cause some conflict! Especially when he's around your kids!!!This is going to blow up...at some point! I hate family secrets....they never pan out well. I had a friend who called me very upset because of a family situation regarding something very similar to your story. He was very upset AND was talking about his hurt.I told him, to calm down, you were not there AND you don't know the whole story. A couple of days later, he called me AND sure enough, the story had changed. He had not talked to his brother, so many of the details were hearsay from family members. When he finally heard the whole story...from his brother....it put a different spin on things.Something may have very well happened with your husband, but until he can share his story....it may not be exactly what you were told.
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