A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is complicated and for length I may have left important parts out, so bear with me. Basically my boyfriend got a job in a city. I do not want to live in the city and he is giving me an ultimatum that either I move there with him or he'll break up with me (we're both in our twenties). Things may make a bit more sense if I explain he has mild aspergers.I have been looking for a job, but none have worked out so far. He has promised this job would be only be for 2 years, so I'm hesitant to uproot my life and move, only to move again in 2 more years. More importantly I really don't want to live in this city. I've lived there before and I gave it a shot and hated it.This is his dream job and it's an amazing job for him to luck into so I understand him moving there. And it's not like I have a good job where I am.But as the time to move gets closer, he's become completely hysterical with worry. He picks fights constantly and becomes completely out of control telling me I'm lazy and have no employable skills and no one would ever want to hire me, and telling me that I was stupid to pick the college major I did (I majored in a physical science). I'm not sure what he hopes to accomplish in these attacks. He says he can't tolerate being in a long distance relationship and puts the entire burden on me, even though it's him who is moving away!He's become completely desperate, even pleading with me to just move out and get on welfare and food stamps to be with him, which is totally nuts.He's never behaved like this, and seeing him act like such a jerk is making me question whether I can ever be with him again. This is just so clingy, it's making me really not want to even bother trying to be with him anymore. I've tried talking to him about it, but he is incapable of stopping (and thanks to his aspergers he is totally incapable of understanding). It's like he's totally lost it. What can I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI had been planning to take an interim job, but he won't take a short lease apartment. He seems to think year long leases are the only kind you can get, which isn't true. I don't want to live on a college student's rent when we will be able to afford much better.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 May 2012):
 FWIW my fiance moved 2 hours from his home to my home and gave up everything... he's still looking for a job and it's nearly 5 months... thankfully I can support us with his unemployment...
can you take an interim job while you are looking? will he make enough to support both of you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can't find a job there though. If I could, I would tough it out in his city. I am trying really hard to find one, but haven't been able to. I have a degree in a physical science, but no one cares about that. They all require a graduate degree. It's not like I'm "choosing" long distance or preferring it, I just can't up and move without having a job there first. It's not like it's never ending or perpetual, I've been job searching and I am trying. I think it's totally unfair for him to be placing this deadline when I've been trying so hard.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012): he's probably convinced that long-distance relationship means the end of the relationship. he basically thinks that your choosing the LDR option means that you are choosing to end the relationship. That's why he says why not just break up now since it's headed that way inevitably. (according to his opinion).He's also afraid of being alone in the day to day, of not having your physical presence there. maybe he's also afraid that you might develop a new relationship back home without him there to keep you occupied.so it all boils down to him believing that LDRs are guaranteed to never work, therefore turning a relationship into a LDR is 'regressing' and going backwards and that you are choosing it to be this way.I don't have any advice, sorry. just that this is probably his point of view. if you're so willing to "tough it out" for 2 years rather than break up, why not do the toughing it out by living in his city? that way he gets what he wants, and if you are so willing to endure hardship if it's only for 2 years then why not choose the hardship of you living in a place you don't want if it's only for 2 years.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe mostly just hates being in a long distance relationship. I do too, but I'd rather tough it out for 2 years than lose him. It really hurts that he'd rather lose me than do long distance for 2 years even though he'd said I was the one and he wanted to spend his life with me. And like I said, he has Aspergers and he told me I was the only person he'd ever met (including family) he felt totally at ease around and talking to.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): it sounds like he's afraid of being abandoned by you. He's afraid that he will move to the new city but you won't and that means he'll end up alone.
The way he sees it - he's the one with the job, and you have no job. So if you're both going to continue to live in the same place, it only makes sense to move to his location.
He might also be infusing this situation with a lot of symbolism that's known only to him. He may be seeing this as a test of your commitment to him or the relationship. If you won't move with him, he believes this means you're just not that committed to the relationship or you don't really love him. That's gotta make him freak out, dont' you think?
I think instead of arguing why you don't want to live there, you should talk about why it's so important to him that you move with him. What's so wrong or scary about being long distance for 2 years? Maybe you will see that he has an unspoken belief that long distance relationships never work out so if you refuse to move with him then this is the beginning of the end.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe will be more than 2,000 miles apart, so no go on frequent visits. I'm 99% sure it really is only for ~2 years, we're both planning on going to graduate school within that timeframe. He likes the city a lot, but he likes other cities a lot more.
He's lived there twice now for short periods (a few months at a time) so I don't think he's scared of that part so much, as well he'd been doing his job as an internship both times he was there so that won't be new either. Also it was changed to "twenties" but I had said we're 22 and 23, not 26-29.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 April 2012):
how far apart will you two be when he moves?
he is being unfair btw... and 2 years well
a. it's not that long
but
b. he may find he likes the city (although with Aspergers I'm not so sure) and want to stay after two years..
basically he wants to live in a city you don't want to live in
and you have been there so you know that you don't want to.. it's not like you are guessing..
he's scared. moving to a new city by yourself is scary. having someone there with you makes it less scary. It's scary for folks without Aspergers...
will you be close enough to visit him on the weekends?
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