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My husband wants to make a sex tape!

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 October 2008) 11 Answers - (Newest, 1 November 2008)
A age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My husband (for 3 years) wants us to make a sex tape for his birthday (hes turning 28). We have no kids yet (we're still talking about it). I told him to dream on. I dont want to get out and then everyone will i'm a slut. He promise he'll get a safe so no one will see it. I do trust him but I think sex tapes are sick and wrong. Hes now starting think I dont trust. I'm willing to have sex with him but without a camera. What should I do?

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A female reader, eyesramazing United States +, writes (1 November 2008):

I'm dying to make a sex tape with my husband! The timing just hasn't been right, but it's still on my list of things to do. I actually suggested it to him and he thinks it's so HOT that I want to.

We both have very high sex drives and it's not unusual for us to have sex a half dozen times a day or more. Although neither of us are exhibitionist, we are considering letting a friend operate the camera so we will have better footage of our lovemaking.

I'm not worried about him showing it to any of his friends. He'd be too worried that one of his buddies might take an interest in his "loving" wife (ha,ha)! And if he ever does show the tape to someone... so what! It doesn't make me a slut.

Do what you are comfortable with, but who knows? You might find it erotic and pleasurable yourself.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2008):

My husband tricked me into a sex tape. All of a sudden, he had a remote in his hand, and it was too late. I didn't have time to think it through, but the next day he erased it saying he wouldn't want kids to ever see it,'s a good thing, because I would've resented him for it, searched and burned it.

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A female reader, lopikult United States +, writes (31 October 2008):

tell him you can start with sex in front of mirrors and then maybe just pics?

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A male reader, yum yum Switzerland +, writes (31 October 2008):

yum yum agony auntIf you think it is sick and wrong he then should 100% respect your opinion, if he then starts doubting your trust, that would be emotional blackmail. Make it clear to him that you don't want it. If he cannot respect your opinion that would be unethical and a lack of respect for you.

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (31 October 2008):

LazyGuy agony auntThe risk is simple, if the tape gets out, it might very well end up on the internet and voila, the entire world can see you in the bedroom.

Sure, the world is more intrested in Paris Hilton then your bedroom antics but do you really want to risk this tape ever coming out?

He will keep it safe. He promises. Yup, because when a marriage fails, people keep their promises after breaking the promise to be together forever.

Don't ever put on film ANYTHING you are NOT happy to show to EVERYONE else.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008):

I would never do it either, I heard too many stories from people who have been betrayed by their ex partners. Don't make a big deal out of it, say no and leave it at that. If he wants to sulk, let him

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A female reader, lightbox Australia +, writes (31 October 2008):

If your concerns about it getting out are the only thing holding you back from doing it, you have a few options - for instance, if you film it on a digital camera you could keep the memory stick it's saved on. If it's not uploaded to your computer and you are in charge of the stick then it won't go anywhere, and if you want to watch it together, an AV cable from your camera to your TV means you won't have to rely on a tiny camera playback screen. Most still and video cameras have a port for such cables and they're pretty easy to find. If you intend to edit it in any way you could save it onto a USB drive which remains in your possession (assuming you're not filming on video), or you could even plan a night where you watch it together and then delete the film afterwards (make sure you empty your recycle bin).

From what you've said though, I'm guessing that your objection to the idea is not based soley on the possibilty that others may see it (which can happen pretty easily by accident if you're not careful). You need to tell him why you think sex tapes are sick and wrong, so that he can understand that your objection has nothing to do with how much you trust him.

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A male reader, Replacement Canada +, writes (31 October 2008):

Replacement agony auntIf you really feel it's wrong then you have to be true to yourself and do what feels right. Don't let him bully you into it, but do take some time to consider his point of view. Maybe they aren't as wrong as you think.

Sex tapes though are a lot of fun. I've made a few in my day (never leaked them on the web or anything) and it's great *ahem* material for later. Plus, when you're 70 years old and you've both lost your good looks, won't it be nice to look back and see how hot you used to be together?

Think about it, and give him your "final answer". Then come up with your own naughty idea for his 28th birthday so he'll forget what he's missing.

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A female reader, happytochat Australia +, writes (31 October 2008):

If you arent comfortable making a sex tape, for whatever reason, whether it be fear of someone else seeing, or because you think they are sick and wrong- thats your opinion and you have the right to it. Dont do something you dont feel ok with doing. Your husband should respect this.

I understand that hes assuming you dont trust him, so thats why he thinks you dont want to do it. This must be pretty hurtful for him. So since you have other reasons for not wanting to do it, you should tell him. Just tell him you are really not comfortable with it and its not something you beleive in.

Hopefully he will understand this and respect you decision.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008):

It represents a degree of control, I think.

I've made a sex tape or two in my time, and my partners have generally been a little shy or wary about it.

For me, when I get a 'no', I feel a little rejected. However, you have to understand that with most men and in most cases, any 'no' regarding something sexual is a form of rejection. It may hurt sometimes, but handling rejection is something that every man simply HAS to be able to do. There's no way around it.

Anyway, I advise you to think about your sexual boundaries, as it seems like you are somewhat comfortable with sex, and that your primary concern is your privacy. That's very normal. Sex, naturally, is a private matter, and deserves a certain level of care.

If you cannot feel comfortable making a sex tape with your husband, I urge you to stand fast. The first rule of sex is to be honest about what it is (one of the most intense experiences we can have, as well as a carnal urge/evolutionary inevitability). The second rule of sex is to know your limits. That means that if you aren't down with filming your intimate act, your hubby had better deal with it.

It's an act of love on his part, to embrace your feelings, and if he truly loves you, he'll somehow manage to understand your choice.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008):

I honestly agree with you. I wouldnt want to make a sex tape either. Id rather just be intimate instead of having it be on a tape but he probably just wants to experiment and feels that it will turn him on but if you don't feel comfortable then do not force yourself and tell him that you don't feel comfortable doing this now but maybe sometime in the future and you'll get him something else great for his bday and tell him to please respect your decision. If he gets mad then thats stupid on his part..its not a big deal that you don't want to do it.

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