A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Is this appropriate?I remarried 3 yrs ago and inheritted two stepsons (now 21 and amp; 23) my problem is with the gifts my husband buys for the girlfriend of his older son (23yrs old-lovely girl who I like v much). When we go away and they are with us he pays for me to go to the spa once in the week we are away and buyscexactly tge sane treatment fifvhet (even though she and his son have well paid jobs as accountants with big 4 so joint income of over £50,000!) for last birthday he bought her Chanel mascara last Christmas he bought her bono brown make/up palette and thus birthday (even though I had said I felt that his gifts to her were inappropriate as too personal - nice scarf, toiletries gift set etc more appropriate imo) hecwdnt shesd begins my back and bought her Chanel perfume!!!I am furious and hurt in equal measure as I told him that men should only buy perfume for their own partner (he bought me Chanel perfume for my birthday andvour wedding anniversary so I am feeling that maybe he has romantic feelings towards this younger woman?) Am I being paranoid? Or if hectedodcted me would he have not sent perfumecegrnni had been brave enough to voice my feelings?
View related questions:
am I being paranoid, anniversary, christmas, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (6 March 2018):
 For goodness sake, this is not about asserting power or virility. "okay, you're with my son, but I am the big gun here and I could buy him under the table any time' and I am more powerful / potent / virile than him. Just because I'm older, doesn't mean I'm out of the game" is a hilariously unlikely reason.Very few men think that much into gifts unless they are known for flirting and charming other women.Jeez. He bought her nice gifts because she could become his daughter-in-law. I agree with you on the perfume being inappropriate, but a lot of men don't know that.What you, nor the two female anons, have explained is why makeup is inappropriate or why bath items, that are used when naked and are scented like perfume, are more appropriate than makeup. Few men know enough about makeup to buy the right thing without guidance. Chances are his son suggested the right makeup. Not only that, but it's completely different than "How would he feel if a man started buying you perfume or make up?" This girl could become family. Some random man buying you personal gifts (which are the best gifts for anyone to receive) is not the same thing.Accept that you and he feel differently on this, don't make a big deal of it and go out together next time. Suggest things and listen to his suggestions. Do NOT tell him what he can and can't buy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2018): I totally agree with you OP, makeup and perfime are completely innappropriate. You expressed your views and ge did it behind your back. That leads me to believe thag either he does have the hots for her OR he simply does not believe that you are right in it being an innapropriate gidt. I wpuld ho eatly get another female like his mother to weigh in on the issue so he will see it is not just ypu trying to kick up a fuss but it is actually a societal norm thay he is not following.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2018): This would bother me too.It's possible that your husband may have some underlying insecurities about becoming older and / or is mildly jealous of his son's youth. He may not be deluded enough to think that this young woman will be interested in him (although he may well be deluded and / or she may also be interested), but there is a possibility that he feels a need to 'assert' his virility in competition with his son. In other words, the message with the perfume and make up is "okay, you're with my son, but I am the big gun here and I could buy him under the table any time' and I am more powerful / potent / virile than him. Just because I'm older, doesn't mean I'm out of the game.This sense of competition / need to assert his virility via perfume and make-up buying (!) is so important to him that he is 'blind' to your feelings about it. And I think your feelings are absolutely valid. Why are you not buying a gift for her together? The reason is because he is not working as a team with you, and maybe he never really was? He has effectively deleted your input as invalid, because some macho competition is going on here.How would he feel if a man started buying you perfume or make up? Maybe he would see you in a new light. As it is, it feels like he is taking you for granted. I don't agree with the other posters who are saying that you have no right to tell him how to spend his money. I think he should be working with you as a team all along. That's what you are asking him to do. But he can't because he's in the throws of proving /displaying his superior virility /status as 'top gun' in the family.How does the young woman respond to his gifts? What does she buy him? Her responses could also be inappropriate. She should be more sensitive to how these intimate gifts make you feel and she should be the one gently, but firmly, asking for a less intimate gift next time. "Lovely" though she may be, she's accepting intimate gifts from your husband. I'd play it cool. No confrontations. No pleading. No explaining. No bargaining. Just start sending yourself anonymous gifts and open them in front of your husband. Invent a secret admirer or find one of your own for real.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (3 March 2018):
 Ah, I can see why he bought her the gifts he did.
YOU tried to tell him WHAT he can spend HIS money on and WHAT he can buy for the son's GF and he decided HE can do what he wants.
So you picked a battle that is kind of pointless and lost.
He didn't buy her the perfume and make up (btw I think make up is appropriate as a gift for her from him) because he has the hots for her... but to SHOW you in a rather passive-aggressive manner, that he can do what he wants with HIS money. and that he will CONTINUE to do what HE wants with HIS money.
So is this THAT important to you? It is a draw a line in the sand?
Or maybe come Christmas time you can suggest you two go out TOGETHER and buy presents for the kids and their partners... or let him buy whatever he wants for them.
This seems a bit of a petty argument on both sides, to be honest.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 March 2018):
I understand why perfume is inappropriate, as it's a scent you like that you want them to wear, but how is makeup too personal? Seriously - how is makeup more inappropriate than bath gifts where she'd have to be naked to use them?
He's putting a bit of thought into it, rather than you dictating things to him - you can't make a list!
As long as he avoids perfumes and lingerie/swimwear, there shouldn't be an issue! Don't nag or control. Pick your battles and compromise.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2018): My dear, you've expressed to your husband how you feel. That doesn't mean you get to tell him what to do.
He's a grown-man; but you do have to assert your position and opinions within your marriage. It's necessary, because there has to be guidelines and boundaries in all relationships; or they go willy-nilly and there is nothing to establish when either party has gone too far.
Often people write for advice; because they are looking for a way to "make" people do things according to their will. They want a way to "change" their mates. Sorry, that's not the point of my advice. You can only modify behavior or persuade people. That allows them to do things "willingly."
You address an issue/problem and you open communication; and that lets your partner know where you stand. A person who loves and respects you cares about what you think, and how you feel. The objective within any kind of relationship is to make the one you love trust you and feel at peace. You will meet resistance and you will face disagreement. That's all a part of marriage, and being in any type of commitment. Love isn't being in full-agreement on all things; but it does require willingness to compromise, and does demand respect of your partner's feelings or opinions.
Your husband went behind your back, only to show you he does as he pleases. You can take that anyway you want. You know him; therefore, you should know his motives and intentions.
If he thinks you're being silly or jealous, and continues to do it anyway; then tell him next time he disagrees with what you're doing, to keep that moment in-mind. No further discussion is necessary. Drop any attitude and show no further emotion about it. Deal with a man, like a man.
If you don't trust him and your distrust is based on evidence that he is untrustworthy; then that's the problem that requires attention. If he is a flirt, if he doesn't know how to behave around other women; then you have to deal with that.
Don't pick some singular action or a petty issue and dwell on it!
As I said before, tell him how it makes you feel; and that you feel it was inappropriate. If he feels your opinions don't matter, then ask him how he'd feel if you brought some guy an expensive watch or invited him out for an expensive dinner? You have the right to, if you wanted to; if you used his logic and reasoning.
As people age, they get set in their ways; and reasoning with them becomes more of a challenge. That is because they see it their way and no other way. If over the years you've been submissive or passive-aggressive; he is conditioned not to take you seriously, or just see your objection as being fussy or nagging. Don't expect to change him at this stage in life.
He likes to buy perfume, and what you feel to be personal items for other women. When he buys it for you, put it on the dressing table and don't use it. Buy your own. Re-gift it if you like. Don't make a big spectacle or theatrical performance out of spite; just make your point. Passive-aggressiveness only proves you're petty and cowardly. Adults handle things with assertiveness, reason, and logic. You get the point across. If he asks you about it, tell him you want to try some other fragrances.
He'll have to think of something else. Let the issue about gifts go. If your sons find it inappropriate; then they will say something. Meanwhile; deal with gaining respect and compromise within your marriage. Curb your own feelings of jealousy and choose your battles. Don't get your panties in a bunch over a gift; but make sure hubby realizes his behavior determines the climate of his marriage.
My beloved now-deceased partner was a powerful and brilliant attorney. He was a type-A personality that was used to throwing his weight and power around. I'm no pushover. I let things happen, they don't just happen to me in my relationships. He needed love and affection like any other human being. He wanted peace and contentment within our relationship too. It wasn't just his show! He had a co-star!
He could argue his point better than I; but that doesn't mean he's always right. His boldness and bravado didn't scare nor impress me. I simply told him do what he feels is right. When he's done making himself happy; I'll leave and go pursue my own happiness. Without him! He got the point.
That's because he knew I wouldn't just nag him about things. If I offer you an ultimatum or a warning; count on me following-through with it. That's just me. I can love you to death, but don't tread on me!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the responses, I didn’t make it clear perhaps that I had absolutely told him that makeup was inappropriate as it was too personal and suggested a pretty scarf, a nice hamper of bath products, a bottle of champagne or a gift voucher. I even told him that a man should only buy perfume for his wife or mother and if he bought her perfume of any kind (let alone v expensive Chanel perfume which he buys for me), I would be hurt and offended, and he still bought it behind my back. When I asked “what did you buy for her in the end?” He replied “I’m not going to tell you because you tell me everything I buy her is inappropriate.” To me, this is saying to me I don’t care about your feelings I will buy whatever I like for whoever I like, and that makes me feel disrespected.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (2 March 2018):
 I honestly don't think that your husband is trying to flirt or impress the girlfriend. I'd wager more than anything he's lost and confused and figured if you liked the gift that she would too. OR it could be that he asked his son, and his son asked the girlfriend? Don't assume the worst. Many men have no clue what to buy ladies! Help him. Give him ideas or better yet, go with him and pick out a gift. Yes, I do believe perfume is intimate and I can certainly understand why you feel hurt but I truly don't think he is trying to upset you. The only man I have ever known that knew how to buy presents for a lady was my father (bless his soul..he's gone now). He bought my mother, my sister and I jewelry (tasteful and gorgeous) pieces for every big holiday/birthday. I don't know how he knew..but he had it down to a science. Too bad neither of my husbands learned from him! LOL...Give hubby a hand ok? I think you'll both be happier.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2018): Is make-up or perfume the only lady's gift he can think of? He assumes he has to buy her something equivalent to what he'd buy you, or she'll think he's cheap.
He's got a limited imagination. That means he should be given suggestions, or be flat-out told what you want! If there's no thought or consideration behind it, you may as well get what you want!
You need to be more assertive and direct about this gift-giving situation. Tell your husband straight-out that buying gifts for his son's girlfriend is inappropriate; but buying expensive gifts is "flirting!" Whether he means that or not, it is the message sent. You're dilly-dallying and dancing around it, so not to look jealous. It's too personal and if he doesn't see it, clarify it for him.
Another thing. You don't duplicate a gift you've given your wife to anyone else. It takes the sentiment out of it, and shows you were only going through the motions to pacify her; and there was no heart in the gift giving.
This is not to open a can of worms, but your need to educate your hubby on proper gift-etiquette and how to be thoughtful. I don't think he means anything by it. He just doesn't put much thought behind what he's doing; and may not realize the messages that are being expressed behind the gift-giving when they are directed at other women. Most guys make this mistake and we don't mean to.
Ideally, gifts are tokens of our affections; and they have a message of appreciation behind them. They sometimes say more to the receiver than intended; and they can also mean nothing, if the only intention is to impress or bribe.
As a wife, sometimes you have to assert your feelings; so there is no misunderstanding on either side. I think he was only doing something nice. It was inappropriate, so tell him so. Ask him to run it by you first, when he needs to send something to a lady besides yourself. You'll let him know if that's cool or not. You'll also offer suggestions that stay within the bounds of appropriateness.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 March 2018):
Sounds like he is trying to impress her. That doesn't mean he has romantic feelings for her but he wants her to see him as generous and successful for his own ego's sake.
A tad... mid-life crisis thing?
I DO agree that perfume is mostly regarded as a intimate thing that you give to a partner, not to a daughter-n-law.
My question is this though... HOW did he know to buy her the mascara and the make up palette? Make up is VERY personal when it comes to brands and colors. Why sure, a Chanel mascara is great it might not be her USUAL brand. And the palette... that is tricky too as you (or the gift buyer) needs to know what colors/tones the other person likes and uses. So could it BE that he either asked his son what she might like? Or he asked her?
If he asked her and that were the things she could come up with at the moment - maybe she had just seen an add or something.
I think he wants to be seen as generous and I think he is happy with his son's choice of woman.
Again, I don't think the gifts mean anything further. Most men I know suck at giving gifts unless they are told SPECIFICALLY what to get. If you were HAPPY with your perfume he might have presumed SHE would be happy too.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (2 March 2018):
 sounds like he doesn't thin about gifts much. Once he has found a good one he buys it for every one. This in not terribly unusual in men. I bought snow brushes for everyone in my family that drives last Christmas. I also bought an emergency shovel for my Wife. Well . . . truthfully I bought her a much more personal gift as well.
Like many, you are caught up in comparing. Appreciate his generosity, and reward him (verbally) when he gets it right.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 March 2018):
I'm not sure he feels romantically towards her, he just thinks that spa, makeup and perfumes are what you buy women for gifts, regardless of their relationship to you.I think you need to ask him why he chooses those things and see if he'll take your advice on different gifts to get, in future.To me, the only thing possibly inappropriate is perfume - the makeup is fine, as she presumably likes it and I don't see why it's any different to buying toiletries or a nice scarf she may never wear.You *told* him that men should only buy perfume for their own partner? BS, OP. YOU feel men should only do that - not all women do.To me, it just seems like those are gifts he buys women in his life - whether they are his wife or his son's girlfriend. I'm sure he'd buy a daughter the same, as he just feels that's a safe variety of gifts most women would like.
...............................
|
