A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have two children, a 16-year-old son and a 21-year-old daughter. Me and my husband have been married for 20 years now.I'm 42, and he's 45, and recently he left me for a 19-year-old and moved in with her taking the kids. I'd gone out to work one day and found a note saying 'the kids are mine and you aint having em'. I filed for divorce, sent him the papers but he sent them back in tatters.I'm lving aloneMy son emailed me and told me how miserable he was with his new 'stepmum' - he said he was embarrassed at how she was two years older than him, and that she wanted to party all the time with his Dad, and that Dad ignores him. My daughter text saying pretty much the same thing.I'm concerned about my kids - not so much their school results - my son's doing well in school, daughter's enjoying year 2 of Uni - but their emotional ones.Won't this girl have a lot of issues later on when my husband gets older, and as for being a stepparent, it's like she's ignored the kids totally.I don't know why he had this affair, don't care, but I want to divorce him and he won't allow me to - so technically this girl is with a married man [my husband!] and the kids are miserable, their welfare is most important.The problem is I don't know where they are, however, at least it's in the UK, judging by the fact my daughter sent me an email from Uni.I want help in dealing with this situation, please help me since i feel so stressed.
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affair, divorce, married man, moved in, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 October 2012):
 As the others have said, both your son and daughter are legally old enough to have a say in where they live.
And your husband can shred divorce papers all he wants but eventually the divorce will go through. You can't be kept dangling on a string ad infinitum.
To address both of these issues you will have to speak to a solicitor. Have a list of question ready. In case you're thinking of bringing along a friend or relative for moral support, understand that they can be called to testify as to what they heard or saw during your meeting.
Now that I think on it, your husband MIGHT face kidnapping charges in the case of your son. Another question for your lawyer, or even local police.
Keep a of every conversation you have with lawyers/police etc, including date, time and badge number where applicable.
Obviously keep any correspondence from your husband (including the shredded divorce papers)
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (29 October 2012):
 Both your kids are old enough to decide where they want to live. Your husband CAN'T make that choice for them.
Secondly, contact your lawyer and ask him to FILE the divorce papers. Not sure how that works in the UK, so you do need to go get legal advice. He can't keep tearing up the papers to avoid the divorce - there has to be a legal recourse for you.
And I'm sorry you are even having to deal with this.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (29 October 2012):
 Unfortunately, to do with your children's ages, they are both legally allowed to choose where they live. If they want to stay with their father then they are now entitled to, but from the sounds of it they don't, so why on earth are they still there? Your daughter is 21, i do not know why she is staying in a house with a step mum who's younger than herself, your son is a bit different he may not have the money nor means necessary to get home. Can you not email your kids and tell them they can both come home? Or ask them where they are. If that fails, go to your daughters Uni when she's there. I'm sure she will know where her brother and father are. It sounds like your former husband is a nasty peice of work, and no one deserves what he did to you. You obviously need to sit down (when you find him) and talk about the divorce and talk about your son (your daughter can live where she wants, your son can too, but he may want to come home). If neither of that works, look into any legal action you can take. Stay strong and keep your wits about you in this situation. As you will need them. Good Luck xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2012): At 21 your daughter is old enough to make her own decision about where she lives! Unless your husband is blackmailing her with money. This must be so difficult for you, especially since he doesn't want a divorce. Why would he not? Is he worried that you will get too many assets out of the divorce because he had an affair? Your children should be with you to offer you support during this difficult time.
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