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My husband jacks off with other men!

Tagged as: Cheating, Gay relationships, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 March 2013) 9 Answers - (Newest, 26 March 2013)
A female United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

My husband jacks off with other men

I just found out he has been doing this for years. I'm shocked to find this out. Even more shocking, are all the sites where married men communicate and set up times to jack off together. He says he will stop but I don't know if I should believe that. I'm so confused and shocked and shattered. :( He says he has stopped but I don't know if that's true of if he can or not. Have any other wives been through this before?

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A female reader, Euphoric29 Germany +, writes (26 March 2013):

Dear OP,

First of all, thanks for starting this thread - I never knew men would actually do something like that when they are grown up.

While I can understand your shock, I would recommend you don't make too many assumptions or harsh judgements about whether it's gay or not, right or wrong, cheating or not, perverted or sane.. obviously he has secrets from you and there are some things that you don't openly talk about in your marriage (anymore?).

This is a crisis but it could also be a good time now, to look at each other and realise that you have probably become a bit distant. Try to find back together. Talk about it in an open way. Listen to him and find out - who is this man that hides all these things from me? Why does he want to hide things? What brought us together? Why did I marry him? What do I still like about him and what not?

I watched my parents have marriage crisis' like that (my father's kind of a secretive person..). And I admired that in the end, when those secrets came out, they had fights, tears, they talked together and they actually improved their relationship. Sometimes it's better to face that there's trouble than to live silently next to each other and not realise you're drifting apart.

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (26 March 2013):

Yos agony auntNo idea if it is gay or not. But there are men who do this that believe they are not gay. Here's some examples of how men describe it:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/the-8-greatest-craigslist-jo-sessions

I would certainly interpret this as cheating and react accordingly.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013):

Wow...just when you think you've heard it all....I honestly have no more advise then to suggest he get a hobby...he's got way too much time on his hands. Why on earth would straight men engage in jerking off together?

I hope you can find some resolve to this. Marriage counseling might be a good start.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (26 March 2013):

Honeypie agony auntAs much as I admire the Anon Male's Pride in his Penis, I have to say I would NOT be happy nor comfortable with my husband doing this either.

Now if a guy is single I don't care if they have a 50 man yank circle, but I think it's inappropriate for a married man.

If he RATHER yank off with random internet stranger then make love (or have sex, call it whatever you want) with HIS wife, I see is as another problem.

I DO understand that (some) men might not see this as cheating as yanking off may not involve any emotions towards the other men they are yanking off with, however, most women DO. And since most guys who are married... are married to women.. THEY HAVE to take that into consideration. I'm not sure if the OP had been gay and "his" husband/lifepartner had done this that (yanking off online) I would STILL see it as cheating and inappropriate.

I would DEFINITELY have a long talk about this with him, let him express WHY he does it and YOU explain HOW it makes you feel, maybe he will then "get" it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013):

As a guy probably older than your husband, let me throw out the very unpopular opinion that I firmly believe (pun intended) that more guys should jack off together.

If guys were as free about talking with each other about their sexuality and bodies and experiences as women are, I respectfully suggest that there would be a lot less sexual dysfunction and/or infidelity.

Mutual masturbation (no touching each other, only yourself) is not a GAY thing, it's a GUY thing.

It's not sexual intimacy, it's male bonding with a physical release as well as trading secrets. We know how/where we like to be touched so comparing notes and techniques can only help improve performance and responsiveness in the bedroom.

A woman can't know how touching a guy feels the same way another guy can know.

Unlike women, our private parts aren't very private so in locker rooms or at urinals we can all see what each other has and so we all look and compare (though nobody admits it); besides, penises are fascinating, marvelous models of engineering. Every guy has one and yet they're like snowflakes, no two are identical so every one has it's own unique individual endearing qualities.

I love talking about my penis and the subject in general, I think it's unfortunate that most guys are conditioned to be inhibited about acknowledging the obvious as it waves in the breeze, for fear of being labelled as gay.

I say your husband should be applauded for being willing to openly explore his plumbing in a safe, private setting with like-minded guys.

Masturbation is the safest form of sexual activity, and it's too bad that discussion about penises among owners thereof is taboo considering that in my estimation 98% guys jack off regularly and the other 2% are lying.

Understand your shock and discomfort, not something you could have expected to have to confront.

I just ask that you take a deep breath and try to consider your husband's perspective.

Most adolescent males masturbate as buddies or in peer groups long before engaging in any sexual activity without suffering any long-term psychosexual trauma, and if most guys are honest they'll say that they have fond memories of that phase of their development.

I hypothesize that if the Almighty hadn't intended for males to masturbate regularly and frequently, then He wouldn't have put our junk in plain sight and within reach.

I light-heartedly but truthfully that when it comes to playing with ourselves, boys will be boys playing with our toys.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013):

I have heard of this type of behavior but never experienced it first hand.

He has been cheating on you with men in the sense that he is sharing intimate sexual activities with them, albeit online.

Hopefully it has JUST been online and there havent been any meetings in the flesh, so to speak.

I don't think it will be that easy for him to suddenly stop something of this nature, he has been doing it for too long and clearly enjoys it.

He might tell you it is nothing and it wont happen again but that is probably because he is trying to limit the damage he has caused.

Whether he will be able to just stop like that or not is another matter. You would need to trust him to do that and to be honest, why would you trust someone who is obviously NOT who you thought they were! Someone who can share sexual time with others without giving you a thought.....until hes caught!

I would ask for marriage counseLling and see if things can be mended. If he is not willing to try that, i would seriously consider whether this person is someone you want to be around.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013):

I'm a man who actually used to do this with a buddy of mine when I was in college so I can hopefully shed some light on it for you.

Firstly, unlike another poster's assumption, it is nothing to do with being gay or bisexual.

For me, it was a mixture of 2 things:

1. it's a turn on to watch other guys cum because it makes me think about cumming myself, and

2. it helped us both last much longer when masturbating because no one wanted to 'go' first so the orgasm was much more intense.

I was single at the time I did it, but I would never have thought of it as cheating because I didn't actually touch the other guy, we were mostly watching whatever porn we had put on for the occasion.

In saying that I totally understand why a woman wouldn't like it, so I did stop when I moved in with my now fiancée and I've never done it again.

For what it's worth, she knows all about it and didn't really understand either, but it helped a lot when I explained what I was getting out of it. Maybe ask him?

It's your decision what you do, but I thought it would help you to know that in my experience, he is not gay, he probably doesn't feel it is cheating (although you understandably may not agree), and if he is serious about stopping for you then it is definitely possible if I'm anything to go by

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (26 March 2013):

YouWish agony auntI think there's a lot more than meets the eye. Sounds like your husband is gay or bisexual. Either way, he's cheating online. How would he like it if you were webcam stripping for other men?? Cheating is cheating, gay or straight.

I agree with relationship counseling as well, but don't let the fact that he was jacking off with other guys throw you off from making him accountable for cheating on you. This isn't a "all men do this and I'll stop" sort of thing. Don't let him off that easily.

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A female reader, R1 United Kingdom +, writes (25 March 2013):

R1 agony auntWow I didn't know men had sites for this. Poor you. Relationship counselling maybe?

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