A
female
age
30-35,
*arah31
writes:My husband is using call girls and escort services? I am devastated. Please help me!Two weeks ago my husband received a call from someone at 11:30pm on a weekend. He didn't pick up, but someone had apparently left a message and upon asking him who it was, he said someone -some car company doing surveys. So I said ok. I picked up his phone infront of him to call my mother and he reacted weirdly and snatched the phone from me thinking that I might have redialled the number from recieved calls. He looked very scared. Later that night I was able to jot the number down quickly and called the number the next day and a female voice answered the phone and when I asked if it was a car company she said no it's private number. I became very suspicious that day. A few days later I came across a one year old email message that was sent from my husband to a call girl an escort (name of company was in the email) asking if she was working today and when she could meet. I have been devasted, completely heart broken and haven't slept for days now thinking about how to confront him becuase I love him very much and to think of leaving him is devastating but what he has done is also devastating. He does take good care of me and respects me in every way. We have had good sex life and have been happily married for four years. But to come to terms with this, to face this....I don't know how to resolve this situation. If I do tell him now, will he ever be the same again? Will he quit? He surely has breeched all the moral values and broken marriage vows. I am truly shattered and deeply hurt. I am trying very hard to send him signals and indirectly have been saying things and one day I just broke down infront of him and asked him if he has ever cheated or slept with another woman to which he answered no. He also once cried and told me how much he loves me and how could i even think this way. I am so confused. someone please help. How do I tell him? I don't want to loose him. He has given me everything...I fear losing all of those if I ask him to confess. Please help me someone. I am shattered and feel betrayed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): My trust is irrepairably broken. I've caught him 4 x now.
He swears he's just looking @ internet porn like "typical men". Escort web sites are not the same as regular porn sites, esp when you see you spouse looking @ local areas for local women. So pathetic. I will be leaving. He doesn't know when or how, but I WILL BE LEAVING. Repulsive.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): I am a single mum of four beautiful girls. My husband that I (still) love very much lied and deceived me for over ten years before I found the explicit truth about his visitations to prostitutes. I would have given him everything and for those of you who would say I obviously wasn't putting out, well it was him who wasn't putting out, well, to me anyway. My husbands behaviour destroyed my soul. I gave him everything, including four beautiful daughters. He took everything and gave me nothing in return. For all of the escorts, call girls, whores or whatever you may want to call yourselves, yes, it may just be sex that he is paying for and you are giving him, but for those of us left behind to flounder in the aftermath of the lies, deception, bewilderment, devastation, soul destroying transactions between the two, I would never wish what I live every day is ever bestowed upon you. My life has been destroyed and indirectly, so have my daughters. I will never love, trust or respect another man ever!!!!! Please spare a thought for women like me who invest everything in a man only to find he never had the integrity or honestly to admit there was another side to their personality that would potentially destroy lives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2009): It is so annoying to me to read the real pain that these woman are going through and then read that most of the men who responded blame the woman for their inability to remain faithful. IT IS NOT THE WOMANS FAULT FOR ANY REASON! I love reading from the hookers and men that if the wife would have sex more often it wouldn't lead to this, seriously? What woman in her right mind would continue to sleep with her husband when he is having sex with hookers? That's like asking can I have an STD please. I ask for many things but unfaithfulness, selfishness and a lack of commitment to marriage is nothing anyone wants in a life partner. This type of behaviour is very destructive not only for the marriage but also everyone else involved. The man himself obviously has deep issues around sexuality and commitment and probably self esteem if he needs to pay for sex. The hooker, escort, whatever they are, was probably molested or raped by daddy and has no idea how to accept or receive love in a healthy way and these men who use them just reinforce this in them. And finally the poor wife is at home usually with kids wondering why she isn't good enough in whatever way her stupid husband wants to justify himself with. No one wins in a situation like this. Why get married and have a committed relationship if you want to be with others? What's the point? There is no need to hurt the person you claim to love so much. These men are not going to change, not for you, not for their families, not even for themselves. No reason to let some jerk control how you feel and how you live based on his sexual desires.
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male
reader, Love4Life +, writes (21 April 2009):
 I want you to ask yourself one question...Are you afraid of being single or just losing him. The subject is very sensitive. If you intercepted his call and saw a should we meet. I would confront him as soon as possible. If he hasn't met her their is a good chance he hasn't cheated. If you talk to him be honest and find he hasn't met this woman. I would then try to see what he's lacking. Some of us men have fantasies were afraid to talk about and are afraid our spouses wont be interested in trying. If this is the case try to be open to new bedroom activities to save your marriage. If he has cheated he has broken his covenant with you and you have to decide whether or not to work through this and find why it happened... but be forewarned the trust you have together has been damaged and trust is a key in a long and peaceful relationship. My opinion is once that trust is broken its hard to ever trust that person again and can lead to many nights wondering is he cheating... why is he working late tonight... and peace of mind is out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): I'm trying to figure out these less than 1 minute phone calls to escort service on my husbands phone. How does it work?
( he lies so I can't ask him)
(20 year marriage, great sex & oral sex & I'm in great shape!)
I travel with my job yes - don't know if it's worth destroying all the good things. My self esteem is in tact(pretty much) cause I understand it's not about me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): One other point I should have made. Yes escorts are quite expensive, but not as expensive as having a girlfriend, and a lot cheaper than having a wife!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): Just to put another slant on this, I'm a 46 year old recently divorced man. I was married for 20 years, but my wife decided that she wasn't happy and that was the end of the marriage. For the last 5 years we didn't have sex, even though I did my best, I tried to be romantic, with candle lit dinners and I tried to discuss it with her, but nothing worked. Now she is gone I am living on my own. I have no desire to get emotionally involved with another woman, once bitten etc. Don't get me wrong, I love women. Many of my best friends are women and I can talk to them a lot easier than I can talk to most men. I just don't want the commitment of having any kind of emotional relationship.So I need to get sex elsewhere. I use escorts on a fairly regular basis. They're perfect for me because they don't want to get emotionally involved, I can have sex with much younger women than I would be likely to meet, and when they're gone I can get on with my life, and do things which I want to do, rather than having to compromise with some emotionally attached woman.I never cheated once on my wife by the way, I've only started using escorts since she's been gone. What I can say without hesitation is, life is good now!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): ...To continue the story:
In order to build up my shattered self esteem, the relationship ended, and believe me, it was painful. What helped me a lot was, picturing him in his white shirt and (dyed) black hair, running about with his attache looking for a little action. The vision makes me laugh and I realize I just don't want to be associated with a man like that!
I am still licking my wounds, but now, a least I have a great after dinner story to tell those that care about me, and they howl with laughter.
All the best to you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): I can feel your pain! Let me tell you a funny story. I have been going out with a man for four years, practically living with him for the last two. Early on he would sometimes show up with a "special briefcase" which contained some "toys" that made me wonder a bit about him.Now here is the funny part:About a year ago I started noticing that the briefcase was changing position in his closet and one day it had disappeared altogeher. Worries started creeping in because he was certainly not using it with me. It was a bit of a shock.The main concern was that I might be vulnurable to catching something nasty, so I started moving and changing things around in the briefcase,and then quietly kept an eye on it to see how much activity it was getting.Talk about heartbreak! When asked about it , he told me it was none of my business. (you bet it was!)Then the briefcase disappeared altogether.I am not proud of what happened next, but in order to protect my health,I started tracking his phone numbers. There were certain days that for some reason made me feel uneasy and sure enough this number would appear.Now there's almost nothing you can't find on the internet these days. The number belonged to an exotic escort named April. The reality if this took some time to sink in, and I didn't have a clue what to do, who to talk to, and how to approach my partner, so this is what I did...She leaves a certain message on her answering machine and mimiking her voice, I left the exact same message on mine. One time, when my boyfriend called, I didn't answer, so he got the message. Confused, he thought he called the wrong number and responded with "call Elvis" (that is NOT his name). When I phoned him later, his voice was shaking. The cat was out the bag!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): I too have found out my husband has used prostitutes many times. We've been married for 11 years, together for twenty. I just don't know if I can ever look at him the same way again and it scares me to death. He says the problem is his, nothing to do with me. He's seeing a therapist and now I am going myself as well. I need help dealing with this. I feel like my whole sexuality has been scarred because everytime I think of sex, I picture him with these other women. It didn't help that I found out by reading his "reviews" of escorts on the erotic review website. I got to read some actual details and it was devastating. He's committed to making our marriage work, and I am just so not trusting and don't know if I can ever trust again. Hopefully therapy can help me. And to top it all off I am six months pregnant with our third child. I feel so trapped and don't want my kids not to have their dad. They love him so much. I feel your pain and don't wish this upon any woman. Be careful ladies, it is so easy for men to hire escorts, especially with the internet providing so many services.
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female
reader, Trab +, writes (4 February 2009):
I am in the same shoes as the many other women on this page. My boyfriend through 7 years has been seeing call girls. I found out last summer after one of his business trips to Dubai. I know of at least 3 times where it has happened, but am almost certain it has happened more. I found out through his phone and on his email. Snooping is not something I like to do (I am not proud of my actions), but I got suspicious - and obviously for a good reason. I confronted him instantly. Of course he got furious with me for looking at his email and phone and said I was the one who had done something wrong, not him. Though he is not the one to admit it, I do think he feel ashamed and regret his actions. I am certain it has not happened since, but am still not assured it will not happen again. He says it will not. I forgave him, though it is still on my mind at times, and I still do not fully trust him.FOR THE MEN: I recognize the answers provided by the men on this site, but I honestly don't see the validity in many of them, and don't see how they justify the situation. I would like to hear a man respond to the following:1. I understand that when a woman gains weight, start refusing sex, or stop taking care of herself it can be a turn-off and difficult. But, I have had sex with my boyfriend 3-4 times a week when he is home, I've improved my looks while we been together. I'm young (28, he's 48), very pretty, highly educated and successful, and could have my pick of any man. So, if your justification is weight gain, refusal of sex etc. what the H... is the reason when those are not present?2. Don't fool yourself by saying that high-class call girls do not carry illnesses. fact is, anyone who has a lot of sex with 100s of different partners increase their chances of disease. Your chances are none the less. Get tested, just think of what you may bring home to your children.3. OK, let's say we agree that it's OK for you to play around. Why is it OK for men, and not women? As one woman stated if she did the same, her man would go nuts. And, in my case, my boyfriend go nuts if I simply go out for a drink with my girlfriends.4. To fantasize is one thing, but to act is another. We women think of other men as well, but we don't act on it, because if we do, we are whores, cheap etc. Well, to you manwhores out there that can keep your D... in you pants, get some dignity.5. Many of you have children (girls). Imagine if the man that they are with when they get older do the same. Would you accept any man doing that to you little girl. My boyfriend has two daughters (9 and 11). He admitted that he would hate any man that did the same to his daughters. Would YOU be OK with some man who married YOUR daughter did the same? (remember, don't say it's OK until you can stand by you answer in all cases).Some advice to men who read this:1. If you want to get call girls, don't marry, and don't start relationships. Spend your money on call girls if that satisfies you. If you still want to feel the security and comfort of a relationship, be sure that you can stay away from call girls FIRST. Don't toy with people's feelings.2. You are at greater risk of getting diseases, so get tested before you even think of sex with who you have at home once you've been with someone else. Think of what you may bring home to your kids and wife/girl friend.3. If you feel sex is lacking in your relationship or getting boring. How about talking to your girlfriend. Maybe she feels the same way. Either way, in most cases she would probably like to work with you to make things better.4. If sex is getting low, it may be related to our self esteem. When I found out my boyfriend had been seeing call girls my self esteem hit rock bottom, and for a long time I was not the same in bed. Even then I didn't refuse him, but it was not comfortable for me, and it took me a loooong time to get back into it. If you want to gain that hot and steamy sexlife back. Make us feel sexy and wanted outside the bedroom, not only in the bedroom. We don't like to be treated like call girls and whores who only are there for sex purposes. Shower us with complements. Trust me, it will pay off in the bedroom.5. If you think of cheating or getting call girls. Break it off with who you have at home first. It is not fair to her.6. Calling it an addiction is just a stupid excuse. It is not accepted and not OK. So, again, if you wanna do it, don't start a relationship with a real woman.FOR CALL GIRLS:1. What you do can never be justified. You can call your self high-level escorts, luxury call-girls, hostesses etc. But, you will always be a whore, even if you are taking an education.2. You absolutely don't destroy marriages, I agree, the men who choose to call you do. However, you do help in destroying other women's self esteem, hurt their feelings etc. 3. Would you be OK with your boyfriend F...... other girls and going out with them, spending money on them? Like with the men, don't say yes unless you really can stand by your answer. Don't say yes because you feel it will justifies your work.4. Other women are NOT jealous of you. You are NO better than them. And, in many cases, you DO NOT provide something the men can't get at home.
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female
reader, bitch +, writes (7 January 2009):
My husband confided in me after 17 years of marriage that he had seen prostitutes on and off for sex. He doesn't consider this cheating since it is just sex and not emotional at all. I consider it cheating and want a divorce. Is this cheating???? I believe in all my heart that if I came home and told him I paid some guy to give me head he would be irate and hysterical and say I cheated. So what is the difference? I think men who use prostitutes have emotional issues and probably cannot be emotionally intimate with their wives causing a disrupt in the relationship. I am getting a divorce and he is devastated as am I. Can anybody relate?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): Oh, my husband sees escorts alright. We have been married 6 yrs and have 2 beautiful sons. It has nothing to do with my weight or the amount we have sex. He has actually turned me down a few times. I don't give a crap. I know plenty of men that would think he's completely nuts. What eat at me is that he gets attached to them. I know of at least two ladies that he has borderline stalked since we have been together. I established a rapport with one of them as someone elseto get the details. Apparently, he bought her a car and all kinds of crap. I am not sure when he was getting away to see her. According to her, she doesn't respond to him because he was stalking her. Something so seriously freaking wrong here. I suppose I will stay put, wear condoms, and go to graduate school and maybe I will have a PhD by the time the s*it hits the fan.
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female
reader, Jayjay113  +, writes (9 November 2008):
Am 23 and has just found out my husband has been sleeping with prostitutes 'escorts' for two years. We've been married for six mths now but weeks before our wedding I noticed from his bank statements that he was withdrawing similar amounts of money(about £70)several times a month. When I first discovered this and asked him he claimed he had lent the money to his friend, then I noticed a pattern: The withdrawal was about the same time of day each time, just after he'd finished work. His response was that he was gambling (I didnt believe it). I promised to cancell the wedding if he didnt tell me the truth and even spoke to his mother about it. She then spoke to him and of course beleived him saying she was disappointed but had every faith he wouldnt do it again. Two months after our wedding, after checking his bankstatements these £60-£70 wer still coming out and after confronting him, he again said he still had a gambling problem but would fix it. I insisted on being presented with a copy of all the transactions on his account and he suggested adding me to the account. The withdrawals stopped but I wanted to know the truth about what the money was for so after nagging him for months he cracked, told me what happened, that he'll never do it again and that he loved me and had stopped because he wasnt proud of himself, he cried and begged, he said he wanted to stop without hurting me an his family (Who were devasted as well) which is why he lied. But I cant get over it! He married me knowing he was keeping this awful secret, Ive never been unfaithful to him since our 6 years together (Its not like I wouldnt enjoy or have fantasies of bedding some hot guy), women have the same needs. Whats happen to being loyal? He was my best friend, weve been through so much, weve shared so much and acheived so much together and he risked it all...I want to move on, away from him. The thought of him having sex with these sluts is utterly devastating!!! I thought our life was great, he said it was which makes it so much harder to understand. ITS DIFFICULT
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2008): The whole institution of marriage is based on a lie and when people are no longer able to play along with the lie somebody is 'devastated.' The reality is that a man is perfectly capable of loving one woman but ALL straight men want to have sex with as many women as they can even if they are only in love with one of them. Call girls and escorts have saved a hundred times more marriages than they have broken up because most men are never caught. Secretaries and female colleagues have broken up more homes than escorts ever will. I even think men enter into marriage honestly buying into the lie themselves. So you and society can call him scum of the earth and 'cheater' and everything else but who are you going to run to? The new 'nice man' will want to do the same thing in five years. Your pastor or therapist is mostly likely doing it already. There is sex that is part of love and there is sex for the sake of sex. The prospect that sex can only be a part of a committed loving relationship is religious BS that is responsible for centuries of needless psychological torture. As far as the old saw about diseases, the risk is always there but diseases track closely with demographics that are not typical of professional escorts and their clients. You can try and muddle things by lumping them together with streetwalkers and crack hos but that is only to make you feel better. It does not reflect reality.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2008): it must be heartbreaking, and don't imagine it's not heartbreaking for your man as well. Who wants the indignity of having their secret world uncovered or to be accused of betrayal - infidelity and so on. We're not that bad. The problem is that men are forced to lie from the get go, and it's women that make them lie. The truth is that all men screw around and if they don't, they wish they could. But to get a girlfriend or a relationship or to keep it going they have to play this pretend game of 'you are the one and only'. Casual sex doesn't mean a thing - it's just something we need to do - it's a basic drive and women should come out of the fairy princess world and accept that we just need to conquer as much as women need to nurture. We're not monks, we're monkeys. accept it and let it go.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2008): Sorry to hear about your situation. I actually used to work as an escort, and most of my clients were married. I think women don't realize how common it is for males to visit escorts. I doubt it even has anything to do with you, most of my clients would tell me that they are in happy marriages. I think men just crave variety, or sometimes its because they aren't getting enough sex at home.
I really don't think its worth getting a divorce over. Men are simply seeing escorts for sex, its not like he's in love with them. Also, its unlikely that he would have contracted an STD if the girl is a higher end call girl. She likely gets tested often and would not have sex unprotected. I think the only issue would be how much money he is spending on escorts.
Hope things work out for you.
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female
reader, disappointedwoman +, writes (29 August 2008):
I just want to reiterate...calling cheating a sex addiction doesn't make it a disease. Below is a really great quote from Abe Lincoln that is directly applicable to these cheating jerks and their claims that they can't help it because they are addicts: If you call a tail a leg, how many legs does a dog have?It’s four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it one.
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female
reader, disappointedwoman +, writes (29 August 2008):
My advice to all women going through this is GATHER EVIDENCE!!!! Most women just freak out and confront the guy..and he erases all the evidence of his behavior, and then denies doing it. Also, don't have sex with him again after you find out, because if you choose to divorce him, any infidelity that occurred before that is considered a non-issue. You are considered as "reconciled" and you can't file a divorce on the grounds of infidelity based on anything he did prior to the "reconciliation."
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female
reader, disappointedwoman +, writes (29 August 2008):
I have been in your shoes. It took me over a year to get get over the shock and file for divorce. My husband has practically bankrupted us with what he calls his "hobby". Anybody who wants to privately email about this, please feel free to email me at [moderator's note: please abstain from including personal information] There is such a huge underground subculture of men who do this and convince themselves that they aren't really cheating because there isn't any emotion involved. Get real, guys. There is a d**k involved, so it is still cheating!!!! Sorry to be profane, but it is so irritating how men can fool themselves. I really want to talk to other women about this because whenever I tell friends what my husband did, I feel like a circus freak with a very entertaining story. They can't relate....who could? Thanks, D
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): My girlfriend wanted me to have a prostitute to "spice up" our sex lives. It turned her on to think of it. She even went and chose the girl for me. I didn't really want to but went along with her wishes.
But then it turned out she really wanted to have a male prostitute herself, also to spice up our relationship. I let her have her male prostitute and she loved it. Unfortunately it only made me feel depressed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): My husband always kept me on tight budget while secretly paying escorts 300 plus. One time early in our marraige, he kissed me and his breath smelled like someones ass. When he left his work after 30 years, I stumbled across a huge list of escorts and their particulars. He even had a false name "john brooks" and aan escort acct with handle "blondlover". He had an ad in friendfinder and says his wife is hot. I used to never refuse him sex but it is really hard to have it with him now. I guess I am now retired by him as a sexual haven. Found porn tape in his drawer the other day and placed it in spot he would know he didn't put it. Nothing I do helps and he has never been broken before God and me for this although he did cry. He cried the first time I found out but hasn't changed his behavior. I feel so lonely and betrayed. I deeply love him and knows he doesn't love me. I am beautiful and trim. Very sexy to all but him. I give up!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): Recently I too found out that my boyfriend of 1 yr
had been contacting escorts services online. Of course he has denied ever going threw with it. But I know all to well and I'm not a trusting person (which he knows) and barley trust myself. So I feel like he is lying. Even though he tells me that our relationship is perfect and has no reason to be doing that. Well then last week he was away on business and I came across a wrong hotel receipt someone elses name on the receipt so I called to get the correct one faxed and low and behold escort numbers on his hotel bill. So I confront him again and he came up with a quick answer that a coworker not staying at his hotel used his room while he was working in the hotel convention room down below. The co-worker needed to use his room to make phone calls... how stupid does he think i am.... not to mention he called 2 numbers twice at 20 mins a time. So I googled the numbers but didnt bother calling because they are going to protect their "client" So now I decided that if I come across anything else... we are over. I know now that he has been calling these services long before I came around and trust me...I can do anything an escort "callgirl" can do! and then some...I am 30 and he is 45 and I give it to him to where he is worn completly the hell out by the time i am done! but at any rate still looks to these services.. unfortunetly i have entered into this relationship where it must be an addiction for him at this point. So knowing this totally x's out how perfect everything seems. I am not innocent by no means but I would never hire and pay $ 400.00 per hr for sex. So the only thing that is giving me the thought of giving him this second chance all though he hasnt admitted to anything is that I have cheated on him. Not saying it makes me feel better. But who wants to live that way..... So I am confused as to what to do in the meantime...the thought of the services always comes up when i am around him. Not healthy at all. I try and dismiss it since I am no saint myself. But wont the next time.. I dont care how great things seem.
Houston, Texas
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): As to why men use escorts. If you do not get it at home you will go look elsewhere. And an escort has no strings. So long as you visit the better escorts you will have very low risk of desease. But to all the wifes out there. Once a month is not enough. Once a week is borderline. So if you look back and see skipped months. Worry. You are not sticking to the marraige agreement. But he loves you and do not want to leave you. So he begs and begs. Untill he gives up. Then he goes through the denial stage. I can do without. But when it has gone long enough. A plan must be made. So ladies. You can only blame yourselves in most cases.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): Being a "call girl" as you call it. It is sad to say but your husbands cheat because 1. they can. 2. after you get married a lot of wives let themselves go (ie gain weight, don't dress up, all about the kids 3. A lot of wives do not have sex with their husbands. (To the woman who has not had sex with her husband for 20years who did you expect him to do?? Just go without?? How selfish of you) It is not they do not love you and a lot of them still find their wives attractive. but they are men and when a 40year old man can date a 20 year old woman for 300/hr why wouldn't he. Yes his 40 yr old wife may still be attractive, but she doesn't compare to a 20yr old.Oh and 1-2xs a week is not a lot of sex. I am in my 20s and I have sex with my partner at least 9 - 12xs a week. And no one is getting tired of it neither is your husband. My advice is either a) learn to accept it 2) learn to spice up your love life. Loss some weight go to Victoria Secret and get some toys. Spice up your marriage. Find out what his fantasies are and give it to him 2xs a day. And if this doesnot work then you may have a sex addict on your hands and may have to leave your marriage if you can't accept it. Oh and for the gal who said her husb paid 100 for a bj covered.... 100 is pretty low and I doubt he used a condom just like I doubt he used one when he gave her oral. Internet escorts are so of the cleaniest ladies out there. We are advocates of safe sex and many of us are college educated women who value safety. It is safer for him to see an escort than a lady at the bar. Our body is a business and we take darn good care of it.I wish all you ladies the best of luck in your marriages.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): Ladies-
I am dealing with a similar issue. HOWEVER, I recently realized that my fear of confronting my husband with this issue was that a)once I left- any other woman would get the man that I never could b) "she" won. I guess that I had to realize that what he was dealing with wasn't a fault of mine- but a void in him, that I could never, no one could ever fill. He has too much pride to admit that he has a problem, and is more comfortable falsely blaming me for his shortcomings. (He told me that made me your feel like I wasn't attractive to cover for the abnormal, inappropriate, and truly unattainable sexual desires.) I struggled for years to cater to what he wanted- and it was never enough. Just realize that you as a person should never compromise who you are, because they have an illness. Sexual addiction is like any other addiction. You can lose yourself trying to cure someone of an addition that they won't even admit to. Yes, a marriage is sacred, but you know if you were denying something that was harmful to your family, you would want your spouse to do anything necessary to protect your kids, or themselves. I always put EVERYONE else before me, but know that if you are not ok- neither are your kids.
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male
reader, tezz +, writes (12 June 2008):
well ladies i am a man and have been married for 14 years and have two great boys, firstly let me say that cheating on your spouse is wrong! but there could be many reasons for this, here are mine, when my wife and i started our relationship we had great sex all the time, oral and all that you can think of it was great and then we had a baby and got married and the sex was gone! where did the oral go and all the fun left. i then had to beg for sex and it was boring then whoops my second son was born now i was third in line for attention, dont get me wrong i love my family and wouldn't change it for anything. and the kids do need the attention, so years of not getting any well maybe once a month and all of a sudden it turns into well frankly i dont know?? then my wife put on a few pounds and the lights have to be off well no its even more dull, and the flowers and the attention i devote to her still cant change a thing, sexualy she just not into it, well maybe five years ago i was working and a lady i met wanted a bit more from me, i declined as the fear of some other women wreking my life was simply not worth it, it dawned on me that escorts wont fall in love with me and i not with them. now if i see an escort the fustration is taken away and i feel like a man should, as you ladies are aware that men are easy to get and understand we like food and sex, its not complicated if a wife takes care of bussines then this would not happen. men think of sex all day and every time he walks past a pretty girl he thinks of sex so when he get home and gets none well you get where i'm going. for men love is strong and sex is just sex when its an escort its just sex!!!!! remember escorts will do things that wife wont but use to for some reason things change. the old saying when you get married the sex sex stops its not made up its a fact,,in some culture's men are allowed a mistress or two as long as the wife comes first, maybe not such a bad idea, does a lion only have one lioness i dont think so,, anyway here's the point if there were no escorts i probably would have been divorced and my kids would be in a broken home not my first choice, look inside youself and see if you have a role in matter...... so i thank all escorts as they make the best marriage counselors.....tezz
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): oh god i have the same problem been married for nearly 5 years and have 2 beautiful daughters , my husband was always a cheater with other girls and me like a dumb wife kept forgiving him forgiving him then i was separated from him for whole year and wheni came back to himi found out about escorts, i have argued with him and argued with him but it got me no where.....he kept saying that how can u think this maybe someone else used my phone my internet etc he has a answer for everything...........last 6 months i thought things were changing and was so happy only to find out he is up to his old tricks this tim ei deceided to confront him in a totally different way,...I said to him im not angry or upset anymore cos i recognise there is a problem here and i will help you get thru it ....do you know what he replied with..he said no you have the problem you are mental its all in your head.........now he wont talk to me and i quite frankly have had enuff unless i give him somehting that will kill his libido or kill myself ...........i feel so suicidal at times but have 2 daughters
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): Hello Ladies...
Guess What? I beleive you are attracted to this...I unknowingly am! My first husband...loved me, sex addict, now....I found Call Girl magazine? Black people meet? My husband, VP stock firm, lilly white neighborhood, etc... I am so afraid, I feel like I attrct this type of man! I am attractive, great career, sexual..ie fantasies etc, not a prude at all! He tells me fantasies, I do not allow others to enter ... I am afraid? Aids etc...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): I have the same issue....I found a call girl magazine, lot's of photos and numbers etc...my husband swears he loves me...spoils me...has an obsession...
I do not get it!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): I am going through the same and I don't know how to cope. He started his behavior in 2001 as far as I can tell, just six years after we got married. And everytime I find out about a chat or an appointment he has made with one of these online prostitutes It somehow becomes my fault. I don't know what to do but I do know that it makes me want to kill myself. I do everything I can to make him happy and I am pretty, and a nice person so why would someone do something so bad to someone they are suppose to love? Maybe he does not love me but just enjoys the privliages of being married to a wife that does everything for him. I even went to the police to try and get them to do something about the last girl I found out about. But they offered no help. I told his mother again but she can't help me. I prayed to God but he is not listening. It makes me just want to kill myself and disappear forever. I hope you ladies fair better then me. Good Luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): I too found out over the summer that my husband is seeing escorts. Found the number on his cell phone. Then there were no more numbers, and I found out that shortly after he got a prepaid cell phone that he keeps at work that he now uses for his adultery. I read on a "sex worker" site that many of them advise their married "clients" to do this, and other tips so that the wife doesn't find out. A lot of cash has been unaccounted for and missing for months. He's come home after working all day in 100 degree heat smelling like a flower garden from the waist down(massage oil, soap, lotion?). I am probably the stupidest woman on earth. Here's why. We were married once before, he cheated on me (not with escorts, as far as I know, but went on "dates" with women he met from personal ads). We divorced, and a few years later he came after me again, wanted to be with me, was a changed man, learned his lesson, found God, etc. I didn't believe him, of course, but kept talking to him, started seeing him, and indeed I found that he was a totally different wonderful man, and stayed that way consistently. We had the best communication, which we never had before. My trust in him slowly started coming back. We were best friends in addition to romantic relationship. It was like a dream come true. He broke me down bit by bit and I fell for it eventually. He asked me to marry him and I accepted. Things stayed wonderful for over a year, then he started acting strange to me, mean sometimes, then loving, then mean. Our communication started breaking down. Then I found out what's been going on. I am devastated all over again. I don't mean to discourage anyone, we all have our own perspectives, but when I read about "sex addiction," and "terrible childhoods," and "he needs counselling," all I can think of is that, true or not, it really doesn't matter. My husband had a terrible childhood, we'd been through TONS of counselling our first marriage, he even found the Lord (or so he said), and he demonstrated "change" brilliantly. And we are back to square one. I can't believe that I'm living this nightmare AGAIN. I'm 47 years old now and the thought of going through all that again, starting over, etc., makes me SICK. I finally subscribe to the old adage, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." Simple as that, in my mind. I'm to the point that I don't care about his childhood, his "addiction," or whatever. He's immoral, that's the root of the problem. Not sure any counsellor can instill character and integrity in a person. If he's addicted to sex with whores, he had no business marrying me. I'm sorry to say I will never trust him again, even if he would want to "seek help." I haven't confronted him with this yet. Still thinking of my options. I want to be clear-headed and make decisions that are made in a practical calm way, not in the heat of anger and devastation. When I confront him, if that's when he would want to get help (which I doubt would be his response anyway), would that really have any meaning? He's not hot to trot to "get help" now, he's hot to trot to be with his whores. That's the truth of the matter. I probably could never trust a man again in my life. That's what he's done to me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): I'm another woman who found out just in the past week that my partner of 10 years has been using escort services. It is devastating, no doubt. I have left him for good as this is just another lie in a very long string of lies, albeit the very worst one imaginable. I had to leave because I could never have sex with him again after finally knowing the truth and having those images in my head.I don't know your individual situation but I would be wary of forgiving him or moving forward without some plan of action (not words or apologies) that will help him get better, assuming of course that he wants to get better. Pick up the book "When your lover is a liar" by Susan Forward. It helped understand why men lie and how it affects us and our relationships. If nothing else, it will give you some strategies on how to cope with your current situation. Has he lied to you before and now you feel that you have to be a detective? If so, think about how that makes you feel and how that degrades your well-being. Stay strong and remember that you are the highest priority in your life. And deep breathing really helps :-)
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female
reader, devastation2 +, writes (7 September 2007):
Sarah we are in san diego california,right now we are in the not really talking unless it is about the kids..I told him he needed counseling he said fine if you make the appointment but then says insurance will only pay for 6 sessions,but says it with major attitude..I read if I make him go it wont do any good.If he was to say to me that he knows he has and addiction and knows he needs help then I will be there but right now he is in the I know it wa wrong but I dont know if I want to say I will ever do it again and get help phase..I may see baout talking to him tonight before he leaves to ref..Something has to change he has to give me a reason to even try..Right now I cannot see the light at the end of teh tunnel,and of course no intimacy really just a peck here and there..He tells me that he loves me and that will never change..I guess I just dont understand this kind of addiction when it's not like I deny him.Anyways I will write again ,especially if anything changes..
Devastation2
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007): OMG, I just found out the same thing this morning about my husband after looking in his phone do his acting strange. We are separated now for almost two years, but been trying to work things out and we do have what I thought was a monogamous relationship. I want to confront him too, but I am afraid it will make things worse as we split up in the first place due to his relationships with other women. I feel very sad and love him very much. I wish us both luck. :(
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female
reader, sarah31 +, writes (7 September 2007):
sarah31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello "devastation2"
I am sorry to hear this happened to you too. I don't think we are alone, there are many women like us who face this in their life time. Our husbands have an addiction, it is not any different from alcohol or any other kind of addiction. Does your husband think he has a problem or is he ok with it. He would have to first accept that he has a problem and be willing to change his behvior. If not, then he is in denial. My husband tells me that whenever he slept with another women, he always felt ashamed and guilty afterwards, he didn't know how to stop his act and his obsessive thoughts about sex. You see, it's a mental disorder and the person needs counselling. It's not that he doesn't love you, if he really loves you and kids, then he would want to change now that you know his secret. Ask him if he wants help. There is help out there. I don't know where you live but just like alcoholics anonymous, there is sex addicts anonymous (SAA), support group for people and families who suffer from this problem. There is also, sexaholics anonymous, and S-Anon.
I was devastated when I also found out but I think I am coping ok with the fact, what else can I do, my husband has promised to undergo counselling and therapy for his behavior. It's a life long process of change and change is not easy. If your husband is willing to change and admit he has a problem then you must support him. I am currently reading two books to understand what sexual addiction is all about. One is called "out of shadows" and the other one is "don't call it love, recovery from sexual addiction" both by Patrick Carnes. Both of these books have opened my eyes. The thing to note is that we can try all we want to control our husbands, it will make our situation worse. Controlling is like adding fuel to fire. The more we control (i.e spy etc) the worse his addiction will get. Both our husbands need counselling. Find out from your family physician or just find psychologist or counselling offices in yellow pages and ask them if they have someone who specializes in the treatment of sexual disorders specially sex addiction. Find out who in your area specializes and tell your husband about it. Give him this option of counselling. If he truly loves you he would want to do anything to make you happy and save the marriage. Keep in touch. If you want you can send me an email through this website. otherwise, just write to me in the column and I would be more than happy to talk to you. Don't worry. But do ask your husband.
Will write to you later. Sarah
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female
reader, devastation2 +, writes (6 September 2007):
I also have just discovered my husband hired an escort paid her $100 dollars ,she gave him oral (he say with a condom) and he gave her oral.. Well I thought we were happy,around the time this occurred.. I also discovered his ad on wildmatch.com saying he wanting a discreet relationship with someone who didn't mind sharing.this was around 7-8 months ago so not that terribly long,and he has memberships on sites for escorts.and he used to have a membership n adult friend finder..Anyways it was a year long case for me.The problem is besides this big one is he says he loves me but doesnt want to tell me he will never do it again,I flat out asked him what he wanted in this marriage and he said everything,so if I would allow him to have sex with others he would,even though he says he knows its wrong,but then when I have asked him what he wants he says he doesnt know.But never has he said he wanted just me..Sex has always been great he also says and anything she did I have done and.. Why would a man who got a vasectomy cause were done having kids and so he wouldnt have to use condoms,want to get BJ's and sex when he has to use a condom with them and not with me..Can you believe my husband has said it was exciting..I asked him why was it so exciting he says it just was,like that and this whole thing isn't like being stabbed in the heart..I feel like there has been a death in the family.I took my wedding ring off,later on he did too.Things dont really seem to be improving,I have 2 daughters to consider,havnt decided if I am leaving or staying for the kids and my financial sake.All I know is he has to change and I cant force him,even if I could forgive him..Sarah31 if you want to talk I would love to have someone who is going through this to talk too..I have been married to him almost 16 years and he didnt cheat til we had been married about 11 years..
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female
reader, sarah31 +, writes (5 September 2007):
sarah31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone,So this is what has happened..I presented the evidence....he was in complete shock, didn't know what to say, he kept quiet for several minutes and then confessed, He fell to his knees and with folded hands kept asking for forgiveness. He has been doing this for many years, long before we got married and is now a severe sex addict. After much tears and talking, he revealed to me about his past...horrible past with abuse, neglect, sexual abuse.....So, to make the long story short, he has agreed to go to counselling..he admits that he has a problem which has been bothering him for a long time but can't seem to stop himself from this addiction. When he engages in the acts, he said he feels horrible, ashamed. He wants to end this and wants me to be with him because he loves me and knows that it is horrible. He states he is happy that I discovered the emails otherwise he would have never had the guts to confess. He has promised he would undergo extensive therapy and counselling and will do whatever he can to build my trust in him which has been severely shattered. I am hanging in there, hoping things will get better, I really hope so... please keep praying
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007): my husband has not had sex with me for 20 years and i recently found out that he has been seeing someone else for 20 years, videos their sex sessions and then watches them after i go to bed. he also had photos and videos of any of our pretty friends and sends desparate text messages to a close female telling her how much he misses her. I found a video of him having sex with someone else and asked him if he wants to leave me. He said he needs me and would be devasted if i left. I am middle aged and do not want to end up alone. I am so sad that i have spent all these years being a faithful wife, a great housekeeper and terrific companion but now discover that my husband fancies almost everyone except me. He has been kind and supportive in many ways. What prospect does a middle aged woman have under these circumstances?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2007): Hi,
How did you get on? did he confess let me know how you got on?
Jay.
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female
reader, sarah31 +, writes (31 August 2007):
sarah31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to both of you for replying to my question. I truly appreciate it. I have made up my mind and am going to definitely confront and converse with him as soon as he returns from out of town. Let's see what he has to say. I will speak with him in a matter of fact manner and will present the evidence I have against him (emails, phone calls). Please pray for me. I will let you know what happens. Keep in touch.
Thanks again!!
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female
reader, Basschick  + ♥, writes (30 August 2007):
 You cannot sit on this information anymore. You must confront him. Only he can give you answers and it's time for the jig to be up. Simply tell him you phoned the number because he was acting so strange that night, so you called it and found out it was an escort service. Then stop talking and wait for him to fill in the blanks before you leap into 101 questions about why and what for. Sometimes it's the body language and the way they speak that will tell you more than what actually comes out of their mouths. Pay attention to all these things. Keep your wits about you. Stay calm, stay in control as much as you can and get to the bottom of it. Unfortuantely, I would probably file for trial separation at this point and consider going through with a divorce. Betrayal of this magnitude would never be repaired in my mind, but everyone is different and there are actually women who can somehow manage to get past something like this. Only you can decide. But one thing is for sure, he has a serious problem that may require counseling and you will probably never trust him completely ever again. Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2007): Hi,
Firstly you need to ask him just come right out with what you have said about the escort number and ask him why he is telling you one thing when it is clearly the other? Tell him you called the number and the girl told you she was a whore!
I feel he maybe cheating on you my hubby of many years than you have together has been using whores they are not escorts dear WHORES SLUTS and that is what he has been calling now you have to be affirmative here if he keeps lying tell him you are leaving him till he confesses what he has been up to calling and e-mailing these SLUTS!
I would be generally concerned for you if you are only married 4 yrs and he feels the need to use these services you have to ask yourself is this something he had a problem with before you met? Is he a sex addict? You really need to ask and talk to him as this will only get worse as soon as he knows you are on to him it might be caught and nipped in the bud in time.
Check all your bank statements, his phone, his pockets, his underwear, everything he goes out with check it!
If he continues to lie give him an ultimatium tell the truth or your out his life believe me when you do this he will bow down if he genuinely loves you he will if not then you have to ask why you are with him?
Men use Whores for sexual pleasure that's it no love nothing they go to them and pay for sex not just for pleasure but for the fact they can walk away after it no strings you see!! and if he is coming home to you doing this and sleeping with you unprotected i would seriously get yourself along to the nearest clinic to get checked out medically for any STD's Hiv etc; you must do this and he has to too!He has no respect for you if he is doing this mine did it for 6 years behind my back and i never knew so yes he will lie and lie till you bleed it out of him.
I hope you can sort this out i will come nback on later and talk good luck and remember be positive tell him them or me!!
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