A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband never hugs me, or looks at me. I don't understand him, because he says ,he loves me. He is completely non sexual with me. I feel totally deprived, and neglected. He is a nice man, he is working hard, and supportive with money.. He gradually shut down, and become harder and harder to communicate with. He has erectile dysfunction, and low libido at the last 6 years. Perfect health, no medical reason for this. He did go to psychiatrist, he didn't formally get diagnosed with mental illness, but they said, he might have chronic depression. My problem is , that he is not willing to go and see, an other professional, because, he went to many , and they never really had an answer for him. And he is tired of telling about his issues, and not get help. Pills dont work, as he has no desire.So, he just wants me to live with this, and he does gave up. What am I suppose to do now? Stay or go? What else can I try? Just a side note, he tried, hormone treatment too, just to give it a try, but did nothing to him. He feels very discouraged, and I feel devastated, to live in a 100% none sexual, non affectionate relationship. Yet he is too good for divorcing him. I feel, Im trapped. If I would know, what is the cause of his problem, I would never let him down, like if he would have heart issues, or other illness. But this way, its like living in the dark, the not knowing, what bugs me the most.What can I do in this situation?
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divorce, libido, money, no desire, trapped Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): You're not trapped, you are allowed to divorce him, it's not a crime! Divorce does not kill people! marriage is not a life necessity the way food and water are! He was able to "live" long before he met you, he will be fine if you divorce him.
The issue is, is your relationship functioning as a marriage, the way YOU see a marriage should be? If it isn't, then what you have isn't truly a marriage anymore. So what's so bad about just being honest and saying you're not going to fake and pretend this relationship is something it isn't?
It's not just that there's no physical relationship. He doesn't even hug or kiss you or express affection. he doesn't even look at you. Having ED doesn't impede his ability to just look at you, surely???
if there is no more love in this relationship because this guy has retreated into his own shell and doesn't let anyone in, then what you have is not a marriage. If you're fine with it, and he's fine with it, then by all means. But if you're not OK with having a roommate, you don't have to stay with him.
"So, he just wants me to live with this, and he does gave up"
He wants you to live with this, well, you HAVE been living with this. You've been living like this for, how long now? So, when is it your turn to get what you want? he's had his turn, when is it yours?
frankly I don't see what the purpose is of staying married in this condition which will never change since he has given up. He has depression, and he needs treatment. He has his own personal journey to manage his depression and heal from it if he is ever going to. It is not necessary for him to be married to do this. Many people are single, divorced, widowed, and have depression, and manage it and heal on their own.
And to the poster below who asks if it is wise to drop everything just because of sex? First of all, what is this "everything" referring to? The house will still be standing even if the OP divorces. The kids will still be there, they will still be your kids. House and possesssions and kids dont' just go "poof" into thin air because of a divorce. Your memories of the happier days will still be there even if you divorce! The photos won't disappear, neither will the mementos. They will still be here even though they will not bring back the past. The present is what it has become and the future - well no one can know what that will be like, you can only extrapolate from the present.... so what exactly is this "everything" that is so precious to maintain at the expense of the OP's mental and emotional well-being?
And no, it is not just because of sex. it is because there is no emotional intimacy, no relational intimacy. The lack of sex is just one symptom, maybe the most significant one since sex is what sets apart a martial relationship from all other types of relationships, correct? in the OP's relationship, there is a sense of loneliness and isolation because her husband has emotionally shut her out. *He will not even look at her*. How isolating is that?? And he wants her to just live like this forever, basically as if she has no husband. If he had any decency he should offer the OP a divorce for her own sake, not insist that she should spiral downward into the abyss with him. (There was a time in my marriage when we were in a really difficult situation, and I offered my husband a divorce since I was unable to respond physically to him. He chose to stay with me. But I did offer him a way out because I respect that it is not fair to keep someone in an exclusive relationship with you if you're not going to give them that which should be exclusive to that relationship.)
Being lonely while in a marriage is far worse than being lonely because you're single. At least in the latter case there is always the possibility and opportunity that you might meet someone tomorrow and the situation can change. if you're already in a marriage then you're trapped as you're not allowed to look at anyone else so all the doors are closed.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2013): Hi, Im the OP,Thanks so much. So many wise, and thoughtful ideas. What a dilemma is that, and how important is to make a good choice.Long term marriages has respectable value. And ours is one of them. But respect is not enough. The question is, I agree with the last post, that if we want to trade our relationship (what works many other ways), for sex and passion. The ''sex and passion issue'', is big one, and a long term argument comparing it with long term relationships.. But yes, one day, I feel, I cant take it any longer. What makes me really upset, that I dont know, why does my husband has Ed, its is different, when a guy perfectly able to have sex, but he does not feel like it. But my husband have serious issues with impotence, and he says, that it takes away his ''appetite''. And no , sadly doctors couldn't figure out , why , so far..... I don't think, he is doing anything bad, I trust him. He never gave me reason, to suspect any unusual things. He does not care about porn at all, I tried to offer to watch some. and he is like watching BBC news... Nothing. So ya its complex, and not the same, than when a healthy man, just dont care anymore about his wife.. Gay , I dont think so... He used to be very horny. Wanted sex, more than I could handle it/..It just happened suddenly. And since than , never got back to his real self,. Sadly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2013): This stories are not uncommon when people live together for a very long time and sex slowly dissapears from their lives.
I really don't understand why some people here advice you to leave. It's not a solution, and also though sex is important, but to what extend?
I have somewhat similar story, where we lived with my husband for 26 years. We have grown kids and I ve been with him since after high school. We went through all stages of mad crazy love in our teens and twenties,to once a week scheduled sex to practically no sex in our forties. It happens so rare that I can't even consider it having a sex life. No one is sad about like you are, it's just how it is.
We are not leaving each other, we have mutual respect for each other, children, finances together. No one is going to destroy nice comfortable life that we have.
I think I am in my prime now sex wise.,I always think of it. So my question is also what to do. I am an attractive woman,man's guys hit on me the time
So advices here just to drop everything, a man who I spend mylife with, just because of sex?
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (8 August 2013):
 You have my sympathies. This is a very common problem and sadly the outcome is rarely good.
This is never an easy situation and whether you are "satisfied" is ultimately up to him. Being that he has been to the doctors, it is reasonable to think this will not fix itself any time soon (or ever). Unfortunately he isn't getting any younger and for men, father time is the thief of libido.
You need to let your husband know how you feel and he does need to step up his game. Whether he stimulates you manually or orally, it is part of his job -- as a husband -- to fulfill you sexually. He also has to know the risk that he might be losing you if he can't at least pleasure you a bit every now and then. Many sexually repressed people wind up straying eventually, because most humans need to feel physically loved. Sex is the dessert of marriage and without it, it becomes a dull meal of plain oatmeal.
If your husband doesn't already, I would also encourage him to start exercising. Exercise is a natural libido booster. In addition, it can help cure depression.
Finally, the ultimate decision on what to do is largely up to you. The choices are never easy:
1) Fly solo and deal with it
2) Find a fling
3) Split up
You may also want to talk this over with a therapist or counselor -- on your own. Sometimes just having someone else to sound this out to can work wonders. They may also offer some solutions.
I wish I had a more concrete and definitive answer for you... but many couples wrestle with this problem and ultimately the solution will be up to you. Just know what you are feeling and your reactions are 100% normal and understandable.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (8 August 2013):
 I can't believe how many people are telling you to drop the guy. As someone who has gone through a severe bout of depression in the past, I can promise you that he doesn't mean to hurt you or neglect you. He isn't angry or resentful towards you, he just can't will himself to be affectionate. You said you'd never let him down, and I find that commendable. I think the first thing that you should try is to set him up with another (yes, another, even though you've tried several already) professional. Not a psychiatrist, but a therapist. How long has he stayed with a therapist in the past? The bond between patient and professional doesn't always form immediately, and certainly the happier state doesn't begin to arise for several months. Your husband has to talk about his experience, THEN discover the roots of the issue, THEN learn the coping skills and mechanisms that will help him combat the depression, and THEN he can apply those skills to his life and start to see a difference. So, he really has to stick with it. It's a process, not an immediate cure.So, please try that first. If you like, you can send me a private message that discusses his behaviors a little more so I can suggest the best kind of therapy for his particular needs.Don't give up, and best of luck! I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.
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A
male
reader, Trooth +, writes (7 August 2013):
Perplexing question. Something obviously is going on, hard to believe he has no medical or psych issue underlying, although with current medical care what it is, it is possible no one cares to find out why really. If there is no medical/psych reason to be addressed, then it is entirely possible he is going through something he is hiding from you, affair, emotional turmoil, feelings of "I just don't love you anymore", etc. Its tough because we like to adhere to the concept of a marriage covenant being honored "in sickness and in health", so to hit the road in the hard times feels wrong. But, he has a covenant to provide as best he can things you need, not just the things he feels like providing. I often provide things I know my wife needs even if I just don't feel like it, but I know she needs it. I generally don't advise divorce because except for a few scenarios, the trials that present themselves, if worked out diligently by a couple, bring them closer together in the end. However, if he is unwilling to work with you to fulfill his part of the covenant, then threatening with divorce may be just the thing. He may realize how serious you are and get serious about fixing things, he may open up and reveal something hidden, or he may agree and set you free. Think it through and good luck whichever path you take.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (7 August 2013):
 What do you mean, what can I do? You've assumed the role of compliant and forfieted your happiness for his. Ergo you have already done what you can do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2013): You're not trapped. You are afraid. Afraid of being single and over forty.
If he has given up, you don't have to.
You need a compromise, or you should leave.
If he neglects you, doesn't touch you, and doesn't communicate. Excuse me, but what is so good about him?
You are a mature woman, you are feeling content being married; but you really have nothing to appreciate about it.
You're a caregiver, who has settled for nothing.
If he's just a good provider, and you'll settle for that; then by all means, stay.
If he is just a drone, who works and pays the bills; you may as well get a divorce; and let him live with you as a roommate. Then you can legitimately date and have lovers.
The man is either closeted gay; or has another lover on the side.
Sexual dysfunction is one thing, but no affection or communication?
I'm gay, and I won't take that from a man.
I can do bad all by myself. Being alone is not a death sentence, sweetie. It's liberation to make your own choices. A chance to love yourself again; until you find someone else to help you do it.
One thing for sure; you are in a state of denial. Please don't let what I say hurt your feelings.
Women at your age are at their sexual peak. I'm not going to tell you to get sex toys when you have a husband with no apparent physiological reasons for impotency or sexual dysfunction. It's just cheaper to keep you, than divorce you.
You're a live-in housekeeper and cook. He pays the bills.
You may as well be his mother.
What kind of a marriage is that?
He wants you to live with this?
Then live with it as a single woman, and let him live with it as a single man. Better yet, move out and get your own place after the divorce.
Let him hire a maid, and pay you alimony.
Take half of everything, and let him live with that.
When there is no sex, affection, or communication; my dear, there is no marriage!!!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 August 2013):
 I can't tell you what the cause of his problem is but I can tell you what it is NOT... it is NOT YOU. This is NOT your fault.
my concern is that he is not affectionate... my husband and I are together only a short time and we have minimal sexual contact but we have affection daily.. cuddles and kisses and such... I have actually talked to him about it and told him I could not live the way we did for the first 6 months of our marriage and he has stepped up and tried to be more of what I need.
part of it was I told him I can't live like this and asked him if he wanted me to take a lover... I did not want a divorce again.
my advice would be to KNOW it's NOT YOU and to explain to your husband that while you do not wish to end the marriage and you love him and do not wish to leave, you are too young to live like a nun and you think that if you could take a lover it would solve the problem.
the issue becomes can you have sex with a man who you do not love and not fall in love with him? if so that's an option...
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 August 2013):
 I have endured the "sexless relationship", myself, so feel comfortable telling you this:
IF you will make yourself content to live the rest of your life with no intimacy.... no sexual contact... no intercourse.... then stay where you are... as you are.... and let the rest of your life "happen."
IF you believe that YOU want to be a sexual person... that intimacy - which includes sexuality - is an important part of "who you are".... and "what you want your life to be"... then, reconcile, here and now... that your current "Mr" is NOT the guy with whom you can spend the rest of your life.... agree (with him) that you and he should part ways... and get on with your lives....
Good luck...
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