A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Since we got married 18 months ago, my partner has grown fat and slightly unattractive, but not lazy (if anything, he's a bit too obsessive over DIY and other things).He'll sit and eat 24 packets of potato chips in one go; yes, 2 packets of 12 crisps, chain-eating, and he'll sit drinking beer or coke endlessly.But, on the other hand, he'll help around the house and is a little bit OCD over DIY jobs (jokingly calling it OCD), and takes the garbage out without complaint.So I can't say he's grown lazy.His personality hasn't gone... he's still got the sense of humor and fun, and great financial expertise.But he's started to get overweight, he's not looking like Bigfoot or Jabba the Hut, thankfully. Not yet.As for the food, I'm not enabling him; but he's taken money out of our shared account for this, spends a lot on food at any one time going the supermarket and bulk-buys food.I've told him it's put me off sex, but he still wants sex. We've only had sex infrequently, which is a shame, as he's a romantic, kind guy and loving.In many ways, he's still the same nice, pleasant caring loving guy I met; that hasn't changed.I can't explain why he's gone overweight and the spending; I don't think it's depression but I wonder if it's stress-eating, since he can't work from home for his job (he works as a talent agent and has to go to parties to meet his clients) and the coronavirus but he doesn't seem to want to talk about this.I once found him up at 4am in the morning half-way through eating his third pizza (he said he'd bulk-bought a load of plain margheritas) and he was drinking two bottles of Diet Coke.I worry this is because he can't work currently ; his job is obviously impossible due to social distancing measures and not possible to hold on Zoom.You sometimes get posts on here about "Since we married my husband's become lazy, fat and less attractive", but this is more of a question about "Is my husband depressed and can't or won't tell me?".There's also a second revelation; one of his clients, an up-and-coming influencer/actress is in love with him, despite the age gap (my husband's 39, and the woman's 24, so a 15-year age gap) and she won't accept he's married, wants him to leave me; no matter how professional he is, he told me it feels like she's got obsessional love/erotomania, and also he asked me "Isn't this the same as doctor-patient thing, y'know, like doctor-patient rules, even though I'm a talent agent, not a doctor!".FFS, the woman bought him a Canada-flag bikini and asked him to model it and sent him a WhatsApp (as it is, our address is in the public domain due to a website domain registration)... he refused to wear it but at the same time, dropping the client would be a moral issue he feels, since she paid good money and he's trying to provide good service as a talent agent.I wonder what's caused this stress-eating and what I can do to help my husband.He told me "I want help, don't know where to get it!".What can I do to help him and we do as a couple, and how can he get over the current overeating?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2021): Fill the house with tasty fruit and veggies.Do not buy bad snacks.Get plantain chips instead of potato......veggie straws instead of chettoes You get the point....just have healthy things.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2021): After work I'd have 4 beers and a soft pretzel at home. The pretzels i bought at a cart right outside my office. They were $2.50 or 3 for $5. I'd just get the one because when I bought 3 I'd eat all 3 and have 6 beers. So I'm showing some self control here. I gained 20 pounds over a couple years.
The advice part. My loving wife said if I'd do the beer and pretzel only on Fri. My Mon to Thur unwinding would have a happy ending. :-0 ,, I lost 20 pounds in no time.
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A
female
reader, EmmyApple +, writes (14 March 2021):
My husband also has a big overeating habit, expects a lot of sex but won’t take care of his body. He’s 5’9” and was a healthy 180 pounds when we got married. His weight started going up pretty quickly after marriage. At first he was just a bit chubby and I ignored it - after all he’s always had a bit of a tummy fat and that’s perfectly normal for a man. I wish I hadn’t ignored it though, because he’s too out of shape now for weight loss to be easy. Once he started to get over 200 pounds and in the “obese” category by BMI, I started to feel worried but it was too late to do anything easily. Now it’s 2 years later and he’s 268 pounds... 65 pounds too heavy according to BMI. His waist was 36” at his slimmest... almost 50” now. He carries most of the weight around his tummy so his waistline has gotten so large.
The weight has been such a difficult issue for us. He was in denial about it for so long. I had to buy larger clothes for him several times but he kept insisting that he’s “average” and his waistline and gut is “normal for a man.” Anytime I brought up his weight he would get angry and defensive and criticize MY weight which really hurt. I am 224 pounds so yes, I am technically overweight, but not seriously so, I’m not nearly as heavy as him and my waistline, while a bit large for a woman, is still a lot smaller than his. So it really infuriated me when he acted like his weight was fine but mine was a problem!
Sex became really difficult. His weight on top of me made me feel suffocated and his belly fat on top of me especially was uncomfortable. But the biggest problem is his lack of stamina. He’s become so lazy, he is sweaty and out of breath within minutes. He often can’t finish and just lays there expecting me to finish him off for him. I do that by giving oral or a hand job - it gives him a nice organism but I get nothing. Like your husband, mine also demands a lot of sex. In the beginning of our relationship I loved to pleasure him all the time with things like sex when he comes home from work. Those treats quickly became expectations and demands. When he’s horny I often give him a very quick oral session to hold him over.
After many arguments things have started to get better. He lets me be on top which feels much more comfortable for me. You need to experiment and find what works for you!
As far as losing the weight, he won’t respond to nagging and you will drive him away if you annoy him. Especially with a slim beautiful, sexy girl interested in him, versus a wife who nags him to lose weight. It’s obvious what a man would choose.
You need to work on yourself first and inspire him, not control him. You’ve said a lot about his weight, his overeating, and his lazy lifestyle. But what about YOU? How’s your weight? Your diet? Your fitness? Work on yourself first and invite (not command) him to join you.
My husband and I are both very sedentary and sit all day at work, so getting active has been challenging. Our evenings are mostly spent on the bed with TV for 4 or 5 hours then sex before falling asleep. Carving out time and motivation to work out has been really hard. Getting a home treadmill and peloton bike has helped a bit. When he sees me putting on my athletic clothes to sit on the bike for 10-15 minutes (I can’t do much longer yet... still working on getting back in shape) he is more likely to do some exercise too.
He’s always had a big appetite so that is also very hard to change. He gorges himself at meals and eats snacks constantly between meals. A whole pint of ice cream at night. Too much beer. Buying less won’t help because he’ll just get pissed off at me when it runs out. Instead take small steps like getting him diet sodas, reduced fat or low sugar snacks.
It’s going to be a long, gradual process. He didn’t put the weight on overnight. It won’t come off overnight either. You need to love him exactly as he is and both of you take baby steps toward a healthier lifestyle together. This is going to require a lot of patience and love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2021): You've mentioned all the probable causes of stress-eating; and it's pretty apparent from the description of his behavior that is what it might be. Covid affects us in all sorts of ways, without even infecting us! If it can't infect the body, it goes for the mind!
Sometimes we run into a problem with our mates, spouses, or significant others when we try to "help" them when they haven't asked for it. From their perspective it is interpreted as "veiled-criticism;" or an attempt to control them. It can also be misconstrued as showing your disapproval and/or admonishing them in a roundabout way. Surely, you've felt that way at some point or another; i.e., if he didn't give you the kind of compliment you expected for an outfit, or failed to give a direct answer when you hoped he'd agree with your opinion about something. Telling our mates they are overeating, look less attractive, or should stop doing something they enjoy; as though they are children. Just might lose the "goodwill or wisdom" intended; when they are undergoing inner-struggle, insecurity, guilt, discouragement, disappointment, or anger. It's like pouring salt on the wound, or piling-on one more load of hurt to add insult to injury.
Sometimes you can only give support and comfort; but you may have little choice but to allow them to work their way through it. I turn to prayer and faith for things beyond my reach or help. Let-go and let Jesus! I am the proverbial caretaker, wanting to help; but time and experience has taught me when it's best to be a helpful-observer; and wait to catch them when they fall. Don't be the one to push them over the edge; by nagging, probing, and prodding. When they're intentionally shutting-down or pulling-away. That's one of the hardest relationship problems I've personally ever had to face! I've learned to speak my peace, give my suggestion or opinion, and leave it up to them to take-it or leave-it. If it causes me direct pain or suffering, I insist they deal with it; or I'll hand them an ultimatum. Whatever I would deem appropriate, and my only option, to save and protect myself. I will suffer with you, only to a point! Love is not always self-sacrifice and martyrdom. Jesus took care of that on a cross; but it had major benefits for mankind! When people push the envelope they deserve consequences. That's when you lower the boom! Enough is enough!!! If you want me to stay, we will work together to fix this!!!
Let me assure you, as far as I'm concerned, you haven't said or done anything wrong by bringing it to his attention. You're his wife. Your honesty is essential, and beneficial to your marriage. It creates trust. You must vent your concerns. Too much criticism is not honesty, it's akin to disapproval and rejection. Honesty is truth, in its purest form. Absent of venom and self-righteousness. You know, like God made it to be.
People might chide you that you shouldn't make too much mention or overemphasize matters concerning his weight. Obesity? That's one of those sensitive "politically-correct" areas now creating taboo; because some people have been persecuted and cruelly ostracized about their size, coming from vile and mean-spirited people. Over-critical parents, mean-girls, nasty classmates, hateful-siblings, and insensitive strangers who use your sensitivities and weaknesses in passive-aggressive commentary (or directly brutal attacks) as a way to psychologically punish or destroy you.
You both know the extra weight is unhealthy, could become a heart-health issue, and will eventually make him lazy. Don't attack the weight, you need to know what the source of angst and discouragement is. Over-eating is just a symptom; there is usually a problem that is the source of our unusual behaviors. That female who's been pressuring him. She knows she's a vital source of income. He gets no sympathy there. He'll just have to deal with temptation like every other husband and boyfriend! Just because she persists, doesn't mean you give-up and give-in to it!!! Not fret over it, like a cow with frostbitten teats! You use tough situations like lifting weights, as resistance exercise. The more they push, pull, or press; the more you pull-away or pushback! You'll develop strength in character, and a stronger resistance to coercion, pressure, and oppression from bullies and narcissists...not to exclude homewreckers and jezebels.
Look over your budget TOGETHER, and put your foot down over splurging and wastefulness. He knows better!
Promise him if the wastefulness continues, you will open a separate bank account! Don't squabble with him, or make idle-threats! Whatever you say you'll do, do it!
Just in case anybody criticizes you for feeling less or un-attracted to him in his present physical condition; it's easy to harshly judge others about that, but it's different when it's YOU! There are certain things everybody finds to be a turnoff; so please don't attack the OP! Hypocrisy doesn't make a good point or offer prudent advice. It's telling others what they ought to do, when you hold an entirely different position when it applies to yourself. Hair in odd places turns me off, but not the person!
Yet, you also have to be empathetic. Next time, you could be the one who's suffering the weight-gain; and your mate is repulsed by it! That hurts! He's the same person, and you don't love your partner any less. We naturally undergo changes; and some changes come with age. We must always view them through the eyes of love and acceptance; and let vanity and shallowness be damned! It's not wrong for you to prefer your husband in his healthiest state of being, and to find him more visually attractive when he is fit. Letting himself go, meaning beyond healthy limits, is not good for him. That you have full backing on. If you're being superficial, and you're only attracted to him the way he used to be; then you've got your own issues you better deal with. You know what they say about people living in glass houses!
You can't bargain or negotiate over affection or intimacy like a business transaction. Especially when there's some hot-blooded young jezebel out there who likes him just the way he is...not that you should feel threatened! I mean, it's difficult to enjoy sex when your partner allows themselves to bloat, get sloppy, and mistreat their own bodies; because they're dealing with problems that are better dealt with in other ways, rather than overeating and binging. People who have always been plump, stay reasonably healthy; people who gain-weight from fast food or junk food; get diabetes, heart-attacks, high cholesterol, and have strokes. Especially us men! Remind him that diabetes in males can also cause early erectile dysfunction.
Gently ask him to give-up the sugary pop or diet sodas, eat healthier, and you'll promise to find him healthier snacks! Cheat-foods that curb his cravings, and let him know you want him to live to grow old together. Dwelling on his "fatness" is only hurting his feelings, and he'll ease the pain with food!
You're a woman. You get bloating, swelling, and water-retention with periods, and other female-problems.
You will want his sympathy and understanding as your body undergoes natural-changes. Gravity starts to win the battle! Nature does her thing; and body-parts start to sag, wrinkle, and fold! What goes around comes around!
Investigate what troubles him, don't grill him for answers. Just talk and listen when he unloads; because, so many times our mates are telling us...but we aren't listening. You are so busy wanting normal, and what he used to be. How about dealing with who he is now, and determining how you both can deal with whatever problems affect him in the present! If you can't find any answers, pray and ask God. If you're an unbeliever, and think that's silly; good luck, keep searching and hope you'll eventually solve it some other way. I've found God is an excellent shortcut!
God bless you, guide you, and protect you both.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 March 2021):
 Maybe start by taking some nice long walks? If he isn't working he can get off his ass and work out.
Exercise can definitely boost the mood of a person. Whereas just sitting doesn't do anything.
Could he be depressed? Yes, it sounds like it. I don't blame him for feeling a bit lost and useless if he can't really do his job. So maybe he needs to look into getting a PAID job while waiting out the Virus?
His client who is hitting on him will eventually have to be dropped if she can't take a no. He should return the bikini. That's ridiculous.
I'd start by getting some exercise - something you two can do together. See if that inspire him to get going.
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