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My husband insists nothing happened between him and his female friend, but I know he's lying

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Three is a crowd, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 September 2011) 11 Answers - (Newest, 10 September 2011)
A female Australia age 41-50, *owie writes:

Sorry for the length, needed to vent.

I have been with my partner 9 years. He has a job that means he is away from home at least 1 night a week, but usually more.

Late last year I became aware of a woman he had befriended (he felt sorry for her because her husband was dying of a brain tumour). I have even met her. However, it progressed to them sexting, and more. He cannot see/admit that he has done anything wrong and insists he has never had any sexual contact with her.

It all came to a head in June this year when I found a return plane ticket confirmation to another state from a regional airport (that she had purchased for him) in his pocket. He swore black and blue he didnt go and I requested proof. A few days later he produced a copy of a hotel bill with no receipt, for where he was supposed to be. I said I would call them to confirm and he said fine.

Problem was, they had no recollection of him being there. So I checked with his toll tag supplier who verified his car was heading to and from the regional airport on the days he was supposed to be at the opposite end of the state. He is unaware I have this information.

The woman has gone and we are trying to make this work but I have some issues. I have forgiven him for the affair, but he wont admit he did anything wrong. He actually tells me I overreacted to something that didnt happen. The biggie is the plane trip. I know he lied to me and have the proof. He insists he never went and he loves me. So I have sat on the info and now it is eating me up from the inside - do I spit it out and possibly end this altogether? Or do I say nothing and always wonder about the lies he tells? I do love him but am getting tired of lies, and being blamed for choices he makes. I know I probably sound weak, but I have always felt he was my "One."

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2011):

Good luck. I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this.

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A female reader, yowie Australia +, writes (10 September 2011):

yowie is verified as being by the original poster of the question

yowie agony auntthanks everyone for your thoughts.

I have already told him about what I know, his response was the expected - to get angry, blame me "your looking for problems that dont exist", and emotional blackmail " if you want us to break up, just tell me, i'm tired of stupid games".

Oh, any flatly denies that he went interstate and he has no idea why his tag says he was hundreds of miles from where he told me he was.

I have laid it on the line and told him he needs to stop lying to himself over what happened, he needs to be 100% on this now and in the future, and if I find anything else he can talk to my lawyer.

he will be home today and is still telling me he loves me. No doubt discussions will continue, wish me luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2011):

if your husband were to confess his affair, it still doesn't mean that you can now forgive him and move on. Most marriages don't heal from an affair even though the people may stay together, it's just never the same again. But as awful as that sounds, it's even worse if your hb doesn't even confess and you're still running around being a Private Investigator. That's no way for you to live.

I suggest that you confront him with the evidence, don't sit on it any longer. why? what are you waiting for? Expect that he'll deny and back pedal and try to make up more excuses to invalidate your evidence. I don't think you should continue to play Private Investigator if he does this, because it's not your job. If he won't even come clean, then there's really no reason to stay a minute longer with him unless you want to live in turmoil.

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A female reader, jonas Singapore +, writes (8 September 2011):

jonas agony auntSome guys need the ultimate before they would come clean with you. There is a reson why your husband thinks that you overreact. Different people have different definition of cheating. Some people think it is perfectly ok to have an emotional affair so long as they don't have sex with each other. Some people think that sexting is acceptable.

I suggest you tell him that as much as you love him, you cannot have the assurance that he is being truthful and you couldn't live with someone who you know deep down is lying to you and all you are asking for is that he would come clean with you but if he doesn't, you find it hard to believe him and live with him.

I'm not advocating that you live him but give each of tyou time to cool down and let him think for himself if he really loves you, why is he hurting you and doesn't want to be honest with you or he would think that each time he can get away with whatever nonsense easily.

Hope it helps!

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A female reader, Trinklett Canada +, writes (8 September 2011):

Trinklett agony auntEveryone lies about an affair because its totally wrong. He's going to deny until you lay it all out for him on the table. He may feel smart but guess what you're sharper than he thinks. Its totally wrong what he did, unforgivable and once a cheat, always a cheat. I would leave him. Those would be your first instincts. You've been married 9 years so a lot has gone into this marriage. You didn't mention kids but they are also a factor to consider. Tell him what you know and ask him why he did it. More lies probably. Tell him, the next time this happens you're done and mean it. Not everyone likes to go for counseling but if you address this issue with the right level of seriousness he should get the picture. If he changes fine but if it repeats itself, he's not the 'one'. No need bottling it, let it out

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011):

You need to leave him immediately. How can you "make this work" when he's not even admitting that there's anything to work on??

I'm sorry but repairing a marriage after an affair is hard enough as it is (and the odds are stacked against it) even when the guilty party has admitted it and repented and cut off the affair and re-committed to the marriage. But you're not even anywhere close to that because your husband doesn't even admit he had an affair.

that means that if you choose to stay married to him, your only option is to sit with this information and his continued denial. And that is on top of your hurt feelings. Nothing he does for you or the marriage, no amount of flowers he may buy you, or romantic dinners he may take you on, will help because he's not acknowledging that he even did anything wrong let alone something of such huge magnitude as a betrayal.

I'm sorry to say this but I don't see anything good coming out of you staying married to him. Not unless you're somehow OK with living like this. but you're allowing him to disrespect you, and your self esteem will probably plummet.

No he's not "the One" for you, obviously he's not. If you thought he was, realize that you were mistaken so you can move on with your life and possibly find someone new who may be "the One."

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011):

I'm guessing you're scared to confront him about this for some reason? Why? You have chosen to forgive him but because he won't be honest about what happened you are obviously still in a turmoil and you are playing private detective. You need honesty to move forward because you know if he is lying about this he could be lying about many other things. If someone will cheat on you and lie to you about it, who knows what else they will lie to you about and what they will do?

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A male reader, eddie85 United States +, writes (8 September 2011):

eddie85 agony auntPersonally, I think the longer you sit on this, the more it is going to tear you up emotionally. In fact, I don't know how you can have a civil conversation knowing what you know.

I am not sure how you can continue going on with your relationship with this man and have any sense of normalcy with him without him confessing. Now that you've posted it here, I realize how much this is bothering you and for me, I think you really have no choice: you will not rest easy until you force him to fess up.

If you have truly forgiven him, which I don't think you really have, you'd probably let this slide. However, I think you are worried that he is likely to do betray you again, and you want to make sure that he knows that he won't get away with it.

Knowing what you do, I think you really need to do some soul searching. Why are you with this man and are you setting yourself up to be hurt again? I realize that 9 years is a long time and you have a lot financially and emotionally invested, but I think for you to have a healthy and stable future, he must come 100% clean and you need to have the guts to force him to admit what he did.

My sympathies...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011):

First rule in all affairs, lie, lie about the lie, and lie about the lies, etc.

Put your cards on the table, all of them.

Don't hold any of it back.

Tell him exactly what you know.

Then, see a marriage counselor if he is willing. If he is not, the marriage may be irrevocably broken, but never say never.

I've been there, my wife told more lies than you can imagine. But we are still married. I also trust her. She loves me more than anything on this earth. I always thought she was "The One" and she was for me, she thought I was "The One", but she never thought she was. She had all sort of terrible self destructive thoughts and when I finally nearly left after over 10 years of chasing shadows and finally just going crazy because I just couldn't seem to make our marriage work she confessed the affair and poured out the rest of the story.

Today, after two years of counseling, and this is ongoing, the woman I married is back.

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A female reader, PerhapsNot United States +, writes (8 September 2011):

PerhapsNot agony auntHaving this information and keeping it to yourself is clearly doing your mind and soul a lot of damage. Why should you be the silent martyr in all of this? Keeping HIS betrayal a secret for his benefit and the benefit of keeping the marriage together is not only unhealthy but counter-productive. It would only condemn you to a fruitless, private struggle, while your husband is free to continue his farce. Think about it: if it's not giving you peace now, why would it give you peace in the future?

Show him the proof and see if he is going to continue lying to your face. You need to clear the air for your own sanity. Stop letting him define you as an over-reacting, jealous wife. Last time I checked, sexting in a committed relationship is unacceptable, not to mention the rest. You may feel he is " The One", but such a person wouldn't disrespect, humiliate and hurt you by cheating.

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A female reader, MissLoca United States +, writes (8 September 2011):

confront Him!!! You need to tell him that you have all that information. This way if he still denies it then you know for a fact that he's lying to you and he has no problem doing it. I think given your situation, it could either go 2 ways you guys could end up working it out or your marriage could be over. But regardless the outcome, you both need to lay everything out on the table. If you just keep the information to yourself, then in the end not only are you hurting yourself, but you're hurting your marriage. If he's man enough to cheat then he needs to be man enough to confess. If he can't give you that then he's no longer worth your time. By you holding all this in, your creating a bomb that is ticking away as time goes by. If it doesn't come out now it will come out later. And now is better than 3 years down the road. Here's your chance to start over and make things right. So take this opportunity and make things right. Honesty is the key to every relationship.

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