A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have recently found out my husband of 13 years has been having a physical and emotional affair with a woman at his work. This has been going on since the day we got married. I am in shock. He says he wants to "move forward" with me and "get past this" willing to do anything, so he says. His actions have always been different than his words. Never in our marriage did he come to me with issues to work on as a couple - it was always me begging him for more time, affection, attention, and dates. He said "ok" each time but would never follow through...months would pass and I would approach him again...begging for change - to work on us...always met with an "ok" but no action. Over the years I became lost and lonely and I cheated on him. The attention felt so good. He found out about me and that's when he admitted his affair. He said he knows he led me down the road to my affair by his treatment of me... he said I was a great wife...and wants to work it out. What should I do? We have 2 wonderful children - I feel like such a failure!! I don't know how to move forward. One day I want to divorce, the next I'm so scared and unsure what to do. I desperatly need some advice... any advice. Thanks.
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female
reader, charitysend +, writes (20 May 2011):
Those scared feelings will go away, and you will come out on top. It's time for you to leave him and build the life you want. You've been begging him to build a happy marriage for 13 years and he has not bothered to. It's time to cut your losses and run. Get a good lawyer and get child support. You can fine someone who loves you, and you will!In my experience, men turn all sweet when they think they are going to lose you. He'll say all kinds of things to keep you from going. Don't believe any of them. Everything he says now is from the male-competitiveness, "I hate to lose" point of view. It's not because he really wants YOU, it's because he doesn't like to lose. If you give in and stay with him, he'll go right back to his lover. Heck, he's probably lying to her too, saying he wants to leave you and marry her but can't just yet for whatever reason. What a scumbag.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (19 May 2011):
It's nothing to do with you at all. He made a decision to cheat for 13 years. Only he made that decision, and he did because he wanted to. It's nothing to do with you. His response about you having an affair is even more appalling. Trust me, you can find better people out there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): Thanks to everyone for their replies. I realize my husband and I are a result of the decisions we made but it never the marriage I wanted. I tried countless time to communicate that to him over the years w/no action by him. Taking responsibility for them is what I want to do. I feel awful for my affair and I think it's that guilt that is keeping me with him...and the kids. He has admitted he wanted me to cheat so he would feel better and said he's surprised it took me so long! He said he only told me about his affair since I had one too...otherwise, I would still not know. I don't know how to process what has happened with us. I walk around in a fog. I'm scared I can't do this alone. I'm scared no one else will want me. I'm scared this was all my fault and something MUST be wrong with me, my body, something.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): Well you aren't a failure so don't even think along those lines. You have kept a marriage together with someone who wasn't even in the marriage with you. Which has been no mean feat on your part. So don't start beating yourself up or thinking anything was your fault because it isn't. He didn't wander off over the years because of anything you did wrong. He was straight out of the marriage gate with you on his arm and a side order from work. That was not your fault. Small wonder you ended up cheating, I would have done the same after 13 years of neglect. We all need love and attention from our significant others. You obviously weren't getting any because he was busy keeping all that for someone else. He should leave the home and give you some space to think. Its not unreasonable to ask him to help support you and the children, say for a couple of months or so while you get your head around things and decide what you want to do next. You need time away from him so you can decide if you can emotionally manage without him. He was never 'really' there for you so once he is out of the way you might find you don't miss him half as much as you imagine you will. Check whether he has had children with this other woman. And if you do decide to leave him, don't tell him your every move just hire a good lawyer and start filing for divorce. Your children will still be wonderful whether you stay married or not, so don't fall into the trap of thinking you need to do things you are unhappy with just for them because it wont work. Do what makes you happy and they will reap the benefits.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (19 May 2011):
 I agree with the other answers here. There are some serious issues. If he has been unfaithful to you since day 1, then I don't see how this can be repaired. Since you've cheated on him as well, I really see this marriage as a huge farce.At this point, I'd give yourself some time to get over the shock of what you've found out before making any major decisions. Divorce is a scary process and being alone after 13 years is a big life change (all life changes are often scary to look at). I'd enlist the help of close friend that you can rely on to help you sort out your feelings. There are really no right or wrong answers here as ultimately what you do should be determined if you can forgive your husband and whether you can trust him again.In addition, your husband will have to cut all ties to this other woman and convince you that it is indeed over. Perhaps you'll have to move out of the area and he'll have to seek another job.In addition, if you have children, you will have to weigh the options together as to whether you can be committed and civil as parents to raise the children. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): He cheats for 13 years, and you finally figure out that you don't have the marriage you want and cheat. Two big problems.Your cheating is an issue, no doubt about it, you could have left, could have taken another (higher) road when the marriage seemingly was a facade but didn't. You need to work on yourself for that.His cheating is also an issue, a much more fundamental marital flaw, that brings to question the entire marriage foundation itself. You both need to either work on the marriage, end it, or accept that this is what it's going to be.You have kids...get a counselor and work on the relationship, but a 13 year affair is a hard one to swallow.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 May 2011):
 I'm sorry the onely one who "failed" in the marriage was your husband!
Personally, I couldn't live in a lie like that, I would rather be a single mother then married to a douchebag.
You have BOTH stepped outside the marriage, doesn't that tell you something about the state of your marriage?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): I don't see how he could "get past this" because there isn't and never was any ideal in his mind to look forward to...If he started cheating from the moment to promised fidelity, how can he even know what fidelity means? Do you know what I mean? I have to agree somewhat with CaringGuy that there was no real respect and commitment since the beginning of the relationship.
I also find his eagerness to take blame for your infidelity disingenuous. He's probably relieved to some degree you cheated, because it makes him feel somewhat better in comparison. Perhaps his lack of attention did make you feel lonely, but you broke your own promises to him just as he did to you. If you were lonely, you could have divorced him or communicated your feelings, but you cheated instead.
You're not a failure, but you did fail your own expectations of this relationship...and to tell you the truth I think it's forgivable considering the way you were treated and how lonely you must have been. But you know what? he's not the right one to seek forgiveness from.
I don't think there's anything you could salvage in this relationship because there was nothing solid to start with. I think it's best to divorce and organize your lives amicably in the kid's best interests.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 May 2011):
13 years! Since the start of your marriage! And you've also cheated on him!
I don't see this marriage working in a million years. You two don't really know each other at all, and every part of your relationship is built upon a huge lie, lack of trust and lack of commitment. I think you might just as well end it and find new people to love and commit to.
Your marriage is a total lie, and the idea that he even loves you after his very, very long affair is unbelievable. He probably won't even fix it - he'll just tell you what you want to hear and probably continue to cheat.
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