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My husband has a married female friend and I find their friendship too excessive. What should I do?

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 December 2005) 27 Answers - (Newest, 30 June 2014)
A female , anonymous writes:

Husband had female friend - is she after him?

My husband of five years has a female friend (she is married also) that he met at his new job. We recently moved to a new area and he says she is his only friend. They talk at least once a day, calling each other on their cell phones. (He even had a special tone and her picture comes up when she calls) We have gone out socially with with the them as couples, but only to places my husband and her like. I really do not care for her, as she is a drinker and is not my type of friend. My husband says she is funny and cool and he likes her. I have told him several times that I think this friendship is a bit excessive and am concerned about HER intentions. She tells him personal information and complains about her husband to him. She tells him she wished she had a relationship like ours. She sends him pictures and brings him food. They often go smoke together in his car or at the park (as smoking is prohibited on company property). He calls her "my little buddy" and she call him "buddy". For Christmas and her birthday he insisted on buying her designer sweaters and picking out her birthday card. Everytime we travel she asked him to bring her back something, and he does. She even calls him when we are on trips. He says he hates to talk to her in front of me as it makes him uncomfortable. She had told him that he acts differently when I am around, and that she doesn't think I treat him well. I am very upset about this and we seem to fight about it daily. He feels I am just being jealous and he should be able to have any friend he chooses. I have agreed to let him be friends because he would be resentful if I didn't. I feel I am in a no win situation. If he keeps going with the friendship, I hurt, and if I insist he end it, he will be angry with me and I will still hurt. Any ideas on what to do?

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A male reader, crawldaddy United States +, writes (30 June 2014):

I am a 60 year old gentleman whose current partner seems to be overly jealous having convinced me she wasn't jealously steams from anger fear and low self esteem. She is jealous of ex-wife and feels that I shouldn't talk to her, but we have children together and parted as parents and friends

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A male reader, Dave55 United States +, writes (21 February 2013):

Have you tried being friends with her? Are they spending too much time together? If so, then maybe it's more than a friendship. Then it would be time to find out the real deal.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2011):

I'm also in this same boat! My husband HAD a best friend who is a widow, and does have a long distance relationship! (Her man friend lives out of the state)

She was constantly calling my husband in the middle of our dinner, if we went out to a restaurant, she'd call, if we were in the car she'd call, and I'd have to sit there through the conversation, being quiet! She'd constantly text him, see him at party's and run up to him, throw her arms around him, and treat me like I wasn't even there! My husband, and I had a major fight over it, and it ended with me calling her, and telling her if she needed to get in touch with my husband, then she needed to call me first, as he was very busy! She agreed, and six months later started the texting again! Only this time using her (College Kids problems as an excuse). Our fights started again, and I asked him to ignore her, and he said they'd been friends for too long, and he couldn't do that! Well, I told him fine, these two friends of mine who wanted to continue our friendship, whom I ignored every time they'd try to get in touch with me, were now going to get the green light! The following day, he called her, and told her if she needed to get in touch with him about anything at all to go through me! Problem solved!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010):

I know how you feel, I do not have much experience as I married the only man I have ever kissed. He is ten years older than me and of course has had many women in his past. He has a female best friend and admits to having pursued her in the past as well as kissed her. I have told him many times that I do not like him talking to her but he still talks to her through social networks and I am sure he has her number. I feel like I can't talk to him about anything or he gets mad but he never gets like that with his her. I am 23 yrs old and I feel like I'm wasting my life on someone who is not as devoted as I am. Please give me some advice.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2010):

In the same boat and it ended in their still friends he lies to go see her and I found a love note in his truck where they met and kissed and held hands and God knows what else. That was 4 years ago and I find myself sick of him now. What used to be unconditional love has turned to a form of hate. He cussed me out because she stalked me and our children in my vehicle one night and chased us in a parking lot. He said I got what I deserved. .... Take it from me it wont get better and he'll hate you for resenting his friendship with the trashy bitch

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2010):

Let me tell you. I also have a female friend and I am male. and that female friend is married. and you know what I tell her is my family comes first before anything. and your family should come first to you before anything that is what I say to her. I love my wife and I tell her everything and she knows I am not cheating on her. and I do not give any gifts to her. yes I do give gifts to my wife. and if ever my wife wants me to break off with her I can do that. however I would feel bad but i can do that for her. Family comes first. Here it sounds like he is not getting something from you that is why he likes to be with her so I would suggest that you make change in you and be a really good wife and then be her cute little buddy better buddy then the other women and don't show your anger out. Just be cutely sad and not angry. If you will satisfy his need for a good buddy there would not arise any problem. and don't be hostile and be around him and listen to what they talk about. If you close the doors to the negotiation and would not keep him in talking terms like he can not talk with her in front of you then it is not a good thing for you. However it is not a good thing either to talk or communicate with other women in such a way that you can not know . He is doing wrong but just get near him and her and start applying your matrimonial powers with love not force.Once he finds out your are cooler then his friend he will forget calling her on trips. and I guess that womens husband is also having trouble with that womens relations with other males like one of the male is your husband. and he will realize it very soon. Tell your husband that he does not have right to give gifts on his will to anyone. He can not give a single thing without your permission.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2010):

First you start loving and caring your husband more than usually you did. Change your obsolete style and ring in a new type of romance for him.He can't overlook you.Then, one day you go and meet that lady in person and ask her to leave your husband otherwise, you will tell her entire story of illegal romance to her husband, to the society and also register a complaint with police and publish this in media also.Even then, if she does not stop then go and have a hot and winning wrestling with her before public.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010):

I know this was written a long time ago but for anyone with this problem you need to do the same thing in reverse. It sounds like playing games but when I dated my husband he did the same thing with an old girlfriend. I put up with it for a long time. Any time I complained I got your just insecure we are best friends. Then a really attractive man that was interested in me asked me out. At first I said no and he waited around for a long time and finally I got so tired of this other woman hanging around. I broke it off and started to date the other man. I stated to my now husband that I finally realized that I didn't want to be with a man who could not let go of another woman and I didn't want to share my man. He flipped out got rid of her right away. It took some time before I believed him and we eventually got back together and married.

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A male reader, womansfriend India +, writes (3 June 2009):

Well u cud remain silent and watch his acts. You must keep patience in order to save ur relationship.The relationships are merely a threads but joints are much more thicker. Your husband is putting up your relationship at stake for a girl . you must talk to him and close the issue in front of his parents and your parents. I think dis is sufficient.

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A female reader, snapoutofit United States +, writes (14 May 2009):

I have had this type of thing happen several times through out my marriage and it shows who is the important one in the scope of things and it's not you.

When a husband behaves this way he is putting himself first, is the only one with rights and you will find yourself always being shuffled to the back of the line so others come first and he will continue this behavior for his whole life.

My advise is get out of the marriage if you can. I stayed in mine because I always told myself that he would come to appericate me and be glad he found me BUT that has never happened and it will not happen in your marriage.

I have been married to the same man for 40 yrs and this type of situation has been the deal many times. You end up staying in a marriage for many reasons, children being one of the first important reason and other reason as well (as I have)...and you think they are good reasons only to realize one day after your life has passed you by that they weren't good enough reasons after all...your kids will have grown up and moved out and you will still be with the same man with the same mind set....nothing you will ever do will change him.

So you need to make the change in your life, don't play cat and mouse with it.

Leave and live your life as he is living his and hope he gets what he truly deserves...someone to do unto him what he is doing unto you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2008):

I am extremely jealous of my husband. We have a river place and our female married neighbor drinks, fishes and my husband does the same. She and he have become very close friends. She calls him, he calls her. I made a fool of myself last wkend. and begged her to not take my husband. I can't believe I begged that way. I went to get gas and just before pumping gas I saw my husband's truck parked at the front of WAWA where we get our gas. I watched for 20 minutes to see what he was doing there. He had no work that day and I am retired. I went inside and came out and asked him what he was doing? He said he was talking to his friend Al and was on his way home. I jumped in his truck and said, I want to see your phone. He was drinking alcohol. He said, I don't want you to see my phone. I said, if you don't let me see it, I am leaving you. He said, Ok, I was taking to her. (Name omitted) He was trying to get her to talk to me about my behavior over the wkend. I was so upset. We have been married 22 years. I cried and cried and I have had surgery and have to have it redone due to complications. (hernias) My heart is completely broken. I saw his telephone list and they had talked 11 times in Sept. Very short calls except for two of them. I don't know what to do. Someone please tell me what you think. I can take criticism. He said he didn't want to start an argument so he called her and didn't want me to know. Of course, I would have been upset. He never shows affection only if he wants sex and he is usually drinking. He can't wait to get to the river and has even left me and I had to drive myself there instead of going like a husband and wife should. It is hard to think of leaving at 60 years old. He hasn't paid taxes in years and I spent every dime my father left me to keep from losing our home. Please, please anyone reply. She even has a nickname for him. I am at my wits end. Where do I go? After surgery I plan to go back to work. Retirement has not been good to me. I lost my great niece at age 17 almost 3 years ago and he didn't even have patience with me then. She died in her sleep unknown cause and her mother my sister's only child found her. She was my sister's only grandchild. I use to drink years back and still some now only to fit in the crowd. I think that since they both still drink a lot, he has more in common with her than me. Her husband doesn't smoke or drink.

Please reply someone.

Anonymous

[moderator note: I suggest that you submit this as a question rather than an answer. This may not be seen by many of the aunts here.]

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A female reader, dearie Angola +, writes (20 August 2008):

Hi Dear,

I do not like the answers of some of the males here. Especially the first one. To you guys, its not harmful. Of course! I'm sure if your wives have a PLATONIC MALE friend, you would not feel a DOT of jealousy or resentment, right??? Come on! Get real here, guys??

So dear, ask your husband this question? What would he feel if you have a male bestfriend who is your "little buddy" and whom you always talk to everyday, whom you buy expensive gifts for, whom you talk to even in holidays and most importantly, whom you feel very HAPPY to be with? Whom you think is nice, and COOL?

Yes, exactly ask him *THIS* question. Start with, "How would you feel if I have a MALE bestfriend..." and then decsribe every little thing that describes his relationship with her (Like the example I give above).

If he try to be goofy or brush you away as jealous/suspicious/untrusting etc etc........ Dont get mad or give in. Simply ask this question again. Ask like a lawyer, in a matter-of-fact kind of way. (Trust me it works in real life, and I happen to be of legal background).

Dont be afraid to ask him. And dont compromise or sacrifice your sanity or peace of mind for the sake of avoiding his anger or for fear that he will love you less or think you are bad wife.

I do not agree that you should bring her closer and be nice to her, give gifts to her etc. That will only make you look like a nanny maid and shes the queen, the star of the day. Stand up to your right and simply ask. You are an adult not a child. You have to know whats going on in the other side (your partner's life). And you do this for YOU, for your sanity and peace of mind. YOu have the right to know because if hes not serious, you have the right to leave him. Its unfair if you are left hanging and stranded. You are not a pet to be kept in a cage whom he attend to whenever he feels like it and leaves whenever he feels like it. Thats why you need to ask.

You must ask because you must know if:

1) He would feel upset if you have a male best friend whom you call your "little buddy" and whom you always phone, whom you share secrets and advise, whom you give thoughtful gifts and whom you entertain even on your couple holidays?

If he say he would be upset, then at least you have send across your point without having to come across as accusive or suspicious. And if he believe he would be upset, chances are he would do something to not continue this "little buddy" relationship becoz he couldnt imagine how it would be if the situation is reversed.

If he would NOT be upset, if he in fact do not mind that you have a male best friend whom you spend everyday with and share secrets, then at least now you know you can start looking for a platonic male friend. Do you have any nice male friends from high school or childhood? From previous works? Give him a call. You can even make friends through internet. Nowdays there are chatrooms and what not and there are really nice guys out there whom you can make really good friends with. Talk to him everyday, chat and go out and have fun like your husband do with this other woman.

When this happen:

1) He would hopefully realise how his relationship with this other woman is affecting you

2) You would be a stronger woman and in full control of your peace of mind and happiness because you live your life to the fullest.

3) If he comes to his senses and ask for your forgiveness, you can choose to give him another chance but this time lay down your rules or you can also choose to leave him altogether because by this time, you already have your own life and you are strong enough to live without him.

Good luck dear..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008):

I wonder if your husband would approve of you doing the same thing? I am in the same situation. My husband HAD a female friend until he was confronted with "if the shoe was on the other foot" kind of thing, how would you feel. He was asked "Now, imagine your wife doing exactly what you are doing. Would you approve? Do you think you would feel the way she feels?" Well, guess what! That friendship is over and our marriage is better than ever!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2008):

i have a single female friend, and i know my wife feels exactly like you do. the thing is it may be difficult for you to see that there is a possibility for your husband to have a truly platonic friendship with this woman. i know i love my wife. but i am also very close to my friend. she is like a male friend, except she is a female. she is my training partner, and my wife doesn't like this although she herself would not want to train with me. and be honest, is your husband uncomfortable with having a conversation with her in front of you, cos you may actually be arguing about it afterwards or making comments about her whilst he's talking. if i'm wrong, i apologise. but it's something to think about. i really hope he's not cheating on you, but trust me the more you disapprove of their friendship, the more you will push him away. try to accept that they are just friends. you know, not all men are cheaters. like others have said, try to be nice to her. your husband will see that you're making the effort and will probably tone down his attention to her. good luck.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008):

You got 2 choices here - one you are already aware of - divorse him and make way for them. May be ur husband doesnt find you interesting.

Second, flirt with a different person in exactly the same way your husband does. Do not care much about his relation with the other female. He will realize his mistake.

Stop pretending like he is the only person you care for.

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A female reader, redirt1750 United States +, writes (27 December 2007):

I have been going through this for 4 years, it finally grew into more then a friendship, he always called her insisted on getting her things, doing things for her. To make it worse he grew up with her and she would insist on talking about when they were in highschool. He husband is my husbands bestfriend and all three of them would take off togeather and leave me home. I would put my foot down and calmly explain how you feel. At this point he will probably make light of it and blow you off. He will act as if you are over reacting or being an insacure baby. So, do what I did get your own life, find something you like start developing your own friends, and if he has a clue on how great you are he will start to notice your life does not revolve around him anymore. Dress up look hot when you go somewhere even if it is to the store. by something sexy and where it under your normal clothes make sure he sees you put it on before you leave the house. make hime wonder. Right now she is the perfect women, you are the one who has to talk to him about the house, bills the kids and so on. Remember you were once a women before you got married make him remember that.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2007):

Im going through the same thing and it is very frustating.

Do whatever you can to get rid of the situation or it will turn into something even worse. It has been going on in my relationship for 8 years. My husband lies to me about her. Im at the point where it is either her or me. It ruins relationships!!

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A male reader, malaysianfeet +, writes (24 January 2006):

They are having all the pre-requisites to great sex. Forbidden & unconventional relationships are sweeter. You both were having problems before she arrived. She is the magnifying glass. Not the baddie in this case. Guess what -she and her husband are having their silent war too. The approach I'd take is- be genuinely nice to both of them. You go and seek counselling. You have the problem with your husband. Not your fault. Not his either. Neither hers.

Having transcended from being problem conscious to solution oriented.. then turn the tables on them. Invite her and her husband over and cook your husband's favorite dishes. Then also invite her over but make sure you'll cook her favorite dishes. Buy her little gifts. Things that she'll like. Some remorse will stir in your husband's mind. Slowly the realization will dawn, that he's being foolish. Be nice to a point of actually being sincere. if you fake it, their intelligence will be on the look out. You'll lose. I am asking you to do things differently; not different things. While you are at it, its time to revive the chemistry. You know what's missing. Fix it. You have it in you. That's why he married you. Once its over between them, take him to see the counsellor which you had seen earlier. Simple; not easy. But can be accomplished.

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A female reader, willywombat United Kingdom +, writes (24 January 2006):

willywombat agony auntThis needs to stop. Does he show you as much care and respect as he shows his "friend"? Would he treat a male "buddy" in the same way? How would he *honestly* deal with this is the shoe were on the other foot? He probably wouldn't.....

You need to look at all your options, then get all four of you together, so there will be no ganging up, and tell them exactly what it is you find so uncomfortable. He needs to know that his behaviour is to all intents and purposes an AFFAIR without the sex.

If he will not stop seeing her by himself and only go out with her in a foursome with you and her hubby then its time for you to make some tough decisions. Will he go with you to relationship counselling. That may help. An unbiased individual may help him to understand your feelings of betrayal and uncertainty.

If this does not work you will have to look to your future. Can you live without him if the hurt is that bad? Or are you willing to put up with coming second and the obvious lack of respect he has for you? You are his wife and family. So you and your feeling should come first ahead of any "friend" regardless what sex or gender that friend may be.

Try to rekindle your relationship, so he doesn't need her company quite so much. I wish you all the best and good luck with your future.x

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A female reader, mystify +, writes (18 January 2006):

mystify agony auntanon male, even without the sex what you have is an affair and with the secrets it is also a betrayal, bear this in mind , for women sometimes the emotional stuff hurts more than the physical stuff as women are so tuned into thier emtional sides

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2006):

I have a friend of the opposite sex (female) who is also 19 years younger than me, we met 2 years ago working in the same office, we lunch together, share secrets, discuss almost everything and anything including our partners faults, and sometimes meet secretly outside of work and shop go to the theatre, have meals and drinks and yes I am always giving her presents, but guess what NO we dont have sex the most we do is peck each other on the cheek, we are both married and respect our partners, dont judge this guy by what you suspect, just because a couple marry it does not mean that they then dont find the opposite sex interesting without wanting to jump in bed with them.

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A female reader, mystify +, writes (6 January 2006):

mystify agony auntas i was reading this i was thinking that it just didnt sound quite right , but when it got to you saying that he hates talking to her on the phone in front of you and she acts differently towards your husband around you, i just cant believe that this is innocent!

why would they as just friends feel uncomfortable together around you, you are his wife?!

she is also poisoning him against you by putting you down, and really he should NOT be talking to another woman about your relationship for her to comment!

i quote from a song..."when a man loves a woman he turns his back on his friends when they do her wrong"...

ask him to avoid this woman tell him what you have said here.

like others have said her intentions are not good.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2005):

I feel if two people are married the they are each others "Best friend".there is no reason for a husband to have a female friend at all because that is what he has you for.my hubby is my best friend and I and his best friend.we do everything together.if your hubby has a woman friend that will

take away time from you.it is a form of cheating.a crack in the foundation of your marriage.sounds like your husband has unfaithful temdencies.I think you have every right to be upset and jelous.He is giving up time that is supposed to be spent on you to her. if he was single this would be ok.but if hes married then he is wrong.you are supposed to be his everything. you sound nice gl with your marriage and Happy New Year.

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A male reader, Grim Reaper +, writes (30 December 2005):

Grim Reaper agony auntIf your husband feels that this friendship is completely innocent, he WILL see your argument as jealousy. Perhaps you need to put your fears to this friends husband and see how he feels about it, maybe your fear is shared by him. Failing that, try talking to your husbands friend and explain how you feel when he talks about her with such affection.

GOOD LUCK

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2005):

I really dont think you should let this woman win. try your best to save your marriage. You said everything was ok before she came now she is the problem(weed) here not your husband or yourself. The for you to do now is tackle the weed. find a way to uproot it.

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A female reader, shania United Kingdom +, writes (28 December 2005):

shania agony auntWhen i read this i couldnt believe what i was reading.I tell you something,this woman friend is without a doubt,after your husband,no questions asked.Now what worries me is she calls him when you are on holiday,why? How odd,he buys expensive presents for her,he doesnt like talking to her on the phone when you are there,why? if they were just friends,why the secrecy? I dont want to be the bringer of bad news but i wouldnt be surprised if them two are having an affair,it has all the classic symptoms,and if he isnt having a sexual relationship with her,he will do.Now its up to you but really your husband should put you 1st but it looks like his loyalties are elsewhere.Are you willing to put up with this for years to come? I cant see anyone putting up with that.You need a heart to heart talk with your husband and tell him that you are not happy,otherwise i cannot see your marriage lasting.If he loves you and values his marriage he would take your side,if he doesnt then i suspect he is having a sexual relationship with her and he is not prepared to give her up, then it will be up to you if you want to continue this marriage or share him with this other woman,i know what i would do.Good luck.

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A female reader, kellyO United Kingdom +, writes (27 December 2005):

kellyO agony auntHi dearie, i am so sorry u r down and going through this. i would be worried myself. To be honest i dont think this woman intentions are good. she should be aware she is causing alot of tension in the marriage and if she is genuine she will lay back. I am not sure of your husband intention he just might think he is trying to help a friend with marital problems but she might be roping him.

My father had a lady friend like that and my mum was really down about it. rumours even went around they were seeing each other . My parents quarreled all the time and what my mum did was that turned everything around. she stopped complaining and even encouraged her to come to the house for dinner. I was very angry with my mum seeing the woman in the house i was still a kid then,but she told me always drag your enemies closer.

This is just my advise though but i think u should stop making an issue about this woman. Maybe that is what is even making it thrilling for him. You have told him to stop and he hasnt and u said it causes arguments then stop. Encourage her to come for dinner with her husband. act as if u arent bother when they talk on the phone. Help him pick out a gift for her and try to include her husband in it too. make him feel u see her and her husband as your friend. when u all go out act as if u enjoy it. find something u and this lady have in common and try drag her close.

Meanwhile, focus on your marriage, take him as a friend so he could talk to u about anything. improve your sex life.

Good luck

While doing this try and work on your marriage and make it

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