A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for 22 years and just founded out husband had an affair for 4 years that he broke off 2 years ago. Should I stay in this marriage and move on?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): 8 years ago I discovered that my husband had been having an affair. At the time we had been married for 13 years and had a 12 year old son and a 5 year old son. The affair had been going on for 5 years. I was devastated. He told me he loved me but he also loved the other woman. He left to go and stay with his mother (that is what he told me). During this time I think he continued to see the other woman. After 2 months he begged me to give him another change and promised to be the best husband and father in the world and that he would never cheat on me again. I still loved him and because of that and because of the children I gave him a second chance. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. The first couple of years were the hardest but our marriage got better as did our sex life and as far as I was concerned we were once again a happilly married couple and family. 6 weeks ago I discovered that he was cheating on me again. My life was shattered. Every day he told me he loved me and continued to make love to me and then I discovered his affair. He tells me that it has been going on 8 months and he loves the other woman. I cannot believe that he has done this to me again after the pain the he saw he put me through the first time. This time he has gone to live with the other woman and I have told him I never want him back. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. We would have been married 21 years this April. The kids are devastated as am I. Should you give someone another chance after they have cheated on you - NEVER. You will spend the rest of your life waiting for them to do it again. Don't make the same mistake that I did. I have wasted 8 years of my life with a man who turned out to be a liar and a cheat. In the 25 years we have been together I have never even looked at another man and have been totally faithful and a good wife and mother (his words not mine) and he still did this to me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): I understand exactly what you are going through. My husband cheated on me after we had been together for 12 years. His affair lasted for 2 years and he finally told me because he felt as if he loved the other woman and wanted to be with her. I could sense something was wrong and even thought he may be having an affair. We had a communication problem. He did not listen to me. He said that the reason he cheated was because he became bored with his sex life and he thought that I did not love him. I must admit, my life was pretty hectic at that time. I was going to school and working a second job, so I did not have much social time. To make a long story short, I decided to stay because he said that he wanted to work it out. My advice to you is be sure that he has left this affair because my husband was still in contact with the other woman. When I confronted them both is when the affair ended. She moved away. It is still hard to trust him. What made me stay is that I have been in this relationship for 12 years. He is a good man and a good father. I thought that he was a good husband; he was not. I forgave him because all people make wrong decisions (I won't use mistake here, because his actions were deliberate). We had a good relationship and I did not want one bad thing to define all the good things in our relationships. Even if you do leave and start a new relationship, how do you know if the next man is not going to cheat too. The future is uncertain. I think we, men and women alike, feel that we should automatically trust the people we love. In a perfect world we could, but this world is not perfect. It has been two years since he confessed his affair and we are still together. I still find myself getting angry, but I remember that I forgave him and I accepted his fault. With that being said, I am no fool. If there is a second time, I will not stay because I cannot put myself at risk like that and obviously I would realize that I am not the woman for him. The key to working it out is faith, counseling and good ole fashion hard work. In order for things to change, you must be willing to do the hard work to get the results you desire. God bless.
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A
female
reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (19 April 2007):
 Do you stay or go? That depends-each and every circumstance is very, very different. Many marriages have survived infidelities and moved onto happier times. The big question is: Is your husband committed to working this through with you. The reason I say this? Because you have a marriage of 26 years that has likely seen it challenges and difficult times. I can say, as a previous long term married myself, I know you both learned to cope through some hard times, in the past. Whether to leave him or not will depend on you and as to whether you can or cannot get past this. Each and every person is different. And whatever decision 'you' make, you do what's best for you and your family. If you are both motivated to keeping your marriage intact, then do just that. Sometimes, married couples are able to forgive because they both are wanting to making it work. If everything has been discussed, the tears have been shed, the anger put away, then the focus now-is finding ways you can move on with your lives together, with a new and improved cheat-proof relationship and it is possible. Good communication will be the key to your road to recovery and ..forgiveness. Finding suitable solutions on how to prevent the same event in the future. MArriage counselling is the key..really consider that.
So if you decide to stay married, your feelings of mistrust, anger and betrayal will pop up occasionally and your husband has to understand this. After all, you will likely be working this out emotionally, for awhile. You and your husband need to get everything out in the open and understand the root of why he cheated. Some deep in your marriage needed fixing. I think you know that too. So now concentrate on honest, truthful communication and work this through with him. Forgiving your husband does not mean you will forget what happened, but it will mean that you have accepted what transpired and are ready to move forward without bringing the past into your renewed future as a couple. It will be difficult for you to blindly trust your husband again. Your trust will only strengthen, through the convincing, caring actions of your husband. You cannot put him on a leash and monitor him all the time, and you shouldn't want to. This will be a long term process. Re-building the trust, passion and strength in your relationship may even require couple counseling if you feel you both cannot make it on your own. I highly recommend you look into that. But as to whether you should stay or go...none of us can tell you that, because we are not in the middle of your marriage and your life.But 26 years of committment takes a ton of caring, love, sweat and many tears. I know, I've been there. Only you can make that choice,hun. Good luck dear and I wish you the best. Keep us posted on how you do. Be strong and take care of you and your family.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2007): Well if you had been married for a few years the answer would be simple, you'd go right? It must be shocker listening to this news, especially after being married to him for so long. The thing is that your husband jepodised your 22 year marriage when he had this affair. If you forgive him when would you be able to trust him? If the answer is no then leave him. For all you know this might not be his first affair or possibly not his last. If you forgive him he might see it as an ok sign to have another affair. It's your choice whether you forgive him or not. Just remember to follow your heart.
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A
female
reader, Irish49 + ♥, writes (8 February 2007):
Do you stay or go? That depends-each and every circumstance is different. Many marriages have survived infidelities and moved onto happier times. The big question is: Is your husband committed to working this through with you. The reason I say this? Because you have a marriage of 22 years that has likely seen it challenges and difficult times. You both could've learned to cope through some pretty hard times, in the past. Whether to leave him or not will depend on you and as to whether you can or cannot get past this. Each and every person is different. And whatever decision 'you' make, you do what's best for you and your family. If you are both motivated to keeping your marriage intact, then do just that. Sometimes, married couples are able to forgive because they both are wanting to making it work. If everything has been discussed, the tears have been shed, the anger put away,, then the focus now-is finding ways you can move on with your lives together, with a new and improved cheat-proof relationship and it is possible. Good communication will be the key to your road to recovery. Finding suitable solutions on how to prevent the same event in the future.
So if you decide to stay married, your feelings of mistrust, anger and betrayal may pop up occasionally and your husband has to understand this. After all, you will likely be working this out emotionally, for awhile. After you and your husband get everything out in the open and understand the roots of the cheating, only then, can you both concentrate on re-building the trust and forgiving once and for all. Forgiving your husband does not mean you will forget what happened, but it will mean that you have accepted what transpired and are ready to move forward without bringing the past into your future as a couple. It will be difficult for you to blindly trust your husband again. Your trust will strengthen as time goes by and through the convincing actions of your husband. You cannot put him on a leash and monitor him, 24 hours a day, and you shouldn't want to. Do not expect things to magically improve, because you will be disappointed. Re-building the trust, passion and strength in your relationship will take a reasonable amount of time and could even require couple counseling if you feel you both cannot make it on your own. These are just my honest, heartfelt thoughts. Some of what I am expressing here, may not be what you want to hear so just take what you from it and I hope it gives you some clarity. But as to whether you should stay or go...none of us can tell you that, because we are not in the middle of your marriage and your life. Only you can make that choice,hun. Good luck dear and I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (8 February 2007):
 Hi Anonymous,
Should you stay in your marriage? Well, I guess it depends really on if you can trust your husband and also if you can forgive him and feel like you can move on.
Twenty two years of being together is a long time, and obviously he still values your relationship somewhat if he ended the affair and chose to stick by you. The other part of this is that he kept the affair going for four whole years. This wasn't just a mistake, it was something he did on purpose for some reason... He knew what he was doing. And whatever he was doing, he was doing it for *himself*.
Let me ask you - was there something going on in your marriage that would "cause" him to be unfaithful? The reason I'm asking is because maybe you two need to have a discussion about communication between the two of you. Instead of going out and having an affair, your husband should have felt like he could have come to you with any problems. And, of course, you should feel the same way.
Do the two of you have trouble talking to one another about things that bother you in the relationship? Perhaps he didn't want to confront you because he was scared what your reaction might be, and instead chose to have an affair. (I'm **not** blaming you for anything, I'm just trying to give possible scenarios, okay?)
Or maybe he's just a selfish person. Do you think you're being treated as an equal in this relationship? Or does it revolve around your husband being happy and not necessarily you *both* being happy? But then it wouldn't make sense that he would end an affair to stay with you. Maybe during that time, he realized how much he really values you. In the past two years since his affair, have you noticed any change in his behavior or attitude towards you?
I'd also like to know how you found out about this affair. Did he tell you himself? If someone else told you, did your husband confirm what you were told? Is there proof that anything happened? Are you certain that he did in fact cheat? Remember, there are a lot of crazies out there - maybe whoever told you is either jealous of you or does like your husband for some reason. I would take these thoughts into consideration, as well. Don't judge the fate of your marriage in something that someone else tells you.
I really don't know since you didn't post any details about your problem. Perhaps you could tell us more about your problem?
But details aside, if you think that you could get your trust back in your relationship, try to work on having better communication with one another and perhaps even seek the help of a marriage counselor, then things may work out. But in the end, only you know if you want to try to make your marriage work or if it's time to call it a day. You should really be speaking to your husband about your thoughts, you know? I'm sure that talking - not arguing, yelling, pinning the blame on one another, etc - is the key to working this out, whether it be a decision to have a trial seperation or stick it out together.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, depaiva  +, writes (8 February 2007):
This is an extremely hard situation to be in, and my heart goes out to you. The amount of pain that comes with finding out that you were betrayed by your partner can be very overwhelming, especially since you've been together for so long.
Everyone makes mistakes and I personally believe everyone deserves a second chance-now I’m not taking his side, but if he truly loves you and he is willing to do everything he possibly can to win your trust back then you two should work at repairing the damage in the relationship. It will be hard, especially to trust him again and to feel absolutely comfortable with him. Things will never go back to being the same-you're relationship will be different(if you work at it hopefully it will be a good different). Counseling is always a very good option especially to understand why he did it, to get through your low self esteem.
Getting a divorce is just running away from all the pain you're feeling. Try work through it and if you find in the end that things just aren't working then move on but give it a chance-life's too short. And remember even if you decide to move on, find it in yourself to forgive him-you'll feel so much lighter and happier.
My thoughts are with you and I really hope things work out.
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A
female
reader, ask jessie  +, writes (8 February 2007):
ok that man is totally usng you! it may be that your to boring for him so just show him that your not happy with what he is doing.f he continues like this, pack up and leave him! i know this may be hard but i think you deserve better. hope it goes well
jessie
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