A
female
age
41-50,
*likenight
writes:My boyfriend gets mad at me when I go on Dear Cupid! I am a stay at home mom, and I'm pregnant so I don't have much of a life. I go on Dear Cupid and I like to try to help by giving people advice. My b.f. gets mad at me and says that the website is "like porn with words" and he thinks it's really weird that I enjoy going on the website. Also if he is in the other room, and I am writing someone advice, he will come in here and try to read what I am writing, and it bothers me so I try to scroll down so he can't read it, then he thinks I'm hiding things. He will bring it up all the time and it causes arguements. He is into things I am not, and those things he wants to do cost money, so I might say something like "you're not getting it" when he looks something up that he wants to buy on the computer, b/c what he wants is like 3 grand and we're broke. So then he says whenever he looks at things online I yell at him, and I'm like the only reason I say anything is b/c you want to waste money we don't even have...When I go on Dear Cupid it's not costing him money. What do you think is the big deal?
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female
reader, YummyMummy  +, writes (28 August 2007):
 Does it matter how often I am on this site? I don't have issues with my partner--- you do.
The going around the baby shops was a suggestion before I knew you had another child, so fine bad suggestion on my part. But you seem to want to throw every suggestion back at people who are trying to help you out.
Why are people on here going to have a go about kids between unmarried people? This is 2007 and I myself am not married as many parents I know aren't.
I agree with a lot of what Stina said in her post. About how you and your guy need to talk about what's going on and what has made you both so angry with each other. Maybe compromise that you both cut down your net time and spend time together as a family, talking and trying to sort things out.
I do agree with you that your guy needs to stop spending money that you both do not have, and I would recommend that you talk to him about this in a calm manner without fighting and find out why he is so anti you being here on this site as there isn't anything pornographic on here. Not that I've seen anyway lol.
Relationships can sometimes seem like a competition, but they really aren't and it being like a contest will only cause stress, which it seems to of done to both you and your partner. Both babies will be picking up on the stress aswell.
xxxxxxxxxx
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (28 August 2007):
 Night,
"And marriage counseling...we aren't married..." Marriage counseling or couples counseling - whatever was suggested, the bottom line is that it was suggested that you seek relationship counseling with your partner. I think it could really help out if you two were on the same page about what was going on in the relationship. From what I read on your posts, it looks like you just making small things into huge issues - even things that haven't occurred yet. What was the rant about people wanting to tell you it was wrong to have children without being married?
I think that you just need to take a deep breath, calm down and figure out what really matters. The first thing on your list seems to be that your guy spends too much money on things he doesn't need. My advice is for you and your boyfriend to take an evening and plan a budget. Figure out what you need now, what you will need when the new baby arrives, how much you need to save and how much you can spend on fun things. I think that once you and your partner iron out all of the financial details, you'll both be able to compromise on how money is used and how much money is spent. But the key is to stick to the budget.
Next, it seems like you're really irritated that your guy doesn't like you on this website. If I were in your position, I would talk with him and ask him why it bothers him so much. Let him know that you care about his feelings. You want to make sure to focus on his feelings, but allow your voice to be heard, as well. I think taking this kind of approach will be better than arguing about it off the bat. (Next time he shoves his face up to the monitor, don't let yourself get annoyed. Break the pattern - tell him that you'd like to talk about it. Let him know that you care about him. I think he'll probably be taken aback - hopefully, he'll want to talk. If he doesn't, then you can always talk about it later. Maybe then he won't think you're fooling around or being sarcastic -- just a thought I had.) But perhaps when you do end up speaking with him, he'll even let you know that it's really something else that is bothering him. And if he doesn't tell you, you can always ask. Afterall, you should be concerned if your guy gets so upset about a website - don't you want to know what's going on in his head? Consider his feelings.
And honestly, from the "tone" of your posts, it seems like you both have been stressed out for quite some time. When is the last time that you two were able to get away for a couple of days and have a romantic vacation together? Would it be possible for a friend or family member to watch your baby for a weekend so you and your husband can focus on each other? I think a little romantic relaxation would do wonders to improve your relationship. And you really don't have to go anywhere - you can stay at home! What about having a nice dinner that you two make together, eat by candle light, maybe take a bubble bath together, buy some lingerie to wear that night, etc. Get lost in each other and rejuvenate the relationship and rekindle the love you have for one another.
You know, if you try to talk everything out, you might not need to go to couples counseling. The reason that I suggested it is because there seems to be a lack of communication between the both of you. Like I always say, communication, honesty and trust are the foundation of a relationship - without those, it's hard for a relationship to stay alive and be a positive experience.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): All the Aunts bring up good points. I am seeing a this clearly as a 'respect' issue. Have you both unecessarily criticized each other ...a lot? Has he made you feel bad for making choices and decisions, in your own life. Have you done the same with him? Your interest in dearcupid and his interest in looking at things online he wants...is not a big, hairy deal. A relationship is NOT a huge power struggle..it's something where two people build a happy life based on support solidarity, committment and respect. I always feel that couples 'need to learn to pick their battles' and ignore the petty stuff. I think his reaction to your interest in helping others on dearcupid, is just a smokescreen for some sadness he feels within himself. Does he miss you? Do you and he need more quality time together. Don't neglect your relationship, dear. Find out what that is really bothering him? Maybe you both need to just spend less time on the computer and more time...talking and building. You two have a baby and on on the way. You need to be a team and form some solidarity and not allow issues like this to put a wedge in your relationship. Thoese babies are depending on you both to keep this relationship healthy. I think you and he need to talk this out and always remember what brought you both together in the first place. You tell him, that dearcupid is a good, reputable advice site and he needs to comprehend that this is just a interest for you, as it is for many of us Aunts. It's simply a pastime. Be proud that you help others and just let him read everything you have ever wrote on this site. Don't hide it! You need to let him 'dream' about things he wants to buy, online, and let him know it's okay to do that. But if he's not 'buying' nor spending money you both don't have for these unattainable items...then there is no problem with allowing him the leeway to just wish about things he would like to have. Compromise is the key. So now..you both are not doing anything wrong. Just stop with the pettiness and nitpicking...you two and just respect each other and don't make such a big deal of the small stuff and maybe think about respecting each other's 'online' interests but remember that there is a real life, that needs tending to, as well. Good luck and I wish you bothe the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): He knows this isn't a dating site, because I read him some of the ?'s on here/ and the reason I scroll down the page when he comes in is b/c he will come a foot away from the monitor and put his face right up there like he's trying to get on my nerves. And I find it annoying. I don't mind him looking at things online, I mind when he wants to blow 3 thousand dollars on things we don't need when we have 2 babies to think about. It makes sense to me but maybe I should just let him blow all of our money on frivilous items? And marriage counseling...we aren't married. Now go ahead and talk to me about how if we're going to have kids we need to be married..I already know it's coming. I don't think she was attacking me, I just stated some facts, what's the problem with that? We don't need baby items as we have a baby already, and I do see her on here a lot. I am not being defensive, I am just adding more information to my post so that you can get a better idea of what's going on. Thanks for your ideas.
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A
female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (28 August 2007):
I wasn't trying to attack you at all. I was merely pointing out that this website is one cause of the problems in your relationship that's all. I have been around newborn babies as my mum had a child 6 years ago and my sister had a baby last year so yes I know its hard to go out, but you can still have a life beside the internet.
I was merely suggesting as you were asking for advice on what you and your guy could do to sort yourselves out. You and your guy need to sort out the internet problem. Both of you seem to think what you are doing is ok. Maybe what he is saying about this site is wrong and horrible, but you having a go every time he looks at a shooping site wont help his mood. I don't know how often your guy buys stuff online but you both need to stop giving each other grief and relax and enjoy your kids. That's all I was getting at.
Thank you Stina for pointing out I wasn't attcking as that wasn't what my post was about at all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): First off he might not like you going on here because he probably hasn't checked it out for himself. When I first heard the name "Dear Cupid" I thought it was a dating site. You know one of those places where singles hookup and he obviously doesn't want you visiting such sites.
Secondly he thinks you're hiding things because you are. Why are you scrolling down when he tries to see what you're writing? Something like that would only reinforce the above impression that you're looking at a singles site.
Finally it sounds as though he's not allowed to even look at things he might want without you giving him grief for it. I check out expensive stuff all the time but I don't buy it. Have you considered that he may be doing the same?
If little things such as these are causing problems now I suggest the two of you seek marriage help before the baby arrives.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (28 August 2007):
Hey Night,
I don't think yummy was trying to attack you - from reading your post, it seems like you think that's what she's done. I agree with her that perhaps while you and your guy work through some problems, the internet can take a break while you work on the relationship. From my perspective, yummy said to stop looking at the web so that you can get your relationship on track. And while she looks at and writes on the site frequently, she is does not seem to have problems in her relationship that revolve around websites. So there is a difference, do you see what I mean? It's understandable that you're under a lot of stress, but I really doubt yummy was trying to attack you, so you really don't need to feel so defensive! ^_^
Adding onto yummy's suggestions - I think going for walks and such is a great idea, but you could try taking up a new hobby that doesn't require going out if you don't really want to do that, too. What about photography or painting? You said that you have a 4 month old, so you can combine all of those and work on a scrapbook/keepsake item and that would surely not cause any relationship problems while you work through what's happening, right?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2007): This is the poster: yummy Mummy, I have all the baby stuff I could ever need, we already have a 4 mo. old baby! So, no, going to baby shops isn't really something we need to do. We have already been through it. And I see you on Dear Cupid about every day too, so how can you tell me to get off my but and get a life when you do the same thing? When you have a baby, you're not going to have much of a life b/c it is a huge pain the the but to go out with a new born. Just wait n' see.
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A
female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (27 August 2007):
I think you both need to turn the computer off and get a realistic life before your baby comes along. I'm 7 months pregnant myself so I understand the feeling of having no life! But that is because you are sat on your butt looking at the pc screen. Couldn't you go out for a walk, or look around baby shops. I love doing that and it gets me out the house.
You and your guy need to realise that with a baby on the way you need to work as a team. Yes, I come on this site most days and my partner isn't this sites greatest fan but I don't hide from him what I say or whatever. We sometimes disscuss things between us aswell. You cant blame your guy for thinking you are hiding things when you are by scrolling the page so he can't see.
You need to talk to your guy and compromise or this is only going to blow up in your face. The first things would be talking about you and dear cupid and him and his shopping. You both need to cut back for various reasons and sort your lives out ready for your baby.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (27 August 2007):
 Hi there,
Has your guy actually had a look through the site?
I ceratinly wouldnt expect a guy to be happy if i was browsing porn sites but this site is here to offer people opinions on varios things. If i was with someone i would be a bit miffed if he tried controlling me to that extent.
Questions dont get approved on here unless they are asking for serious genuine advice.
I did have a boyfriend that wasnt keen on me offering advice to friends even! He said you have enough to deal with your own family and home etc. THAT really did miff me off and caused a bit of a row. Its usually a jealousy/ control thing where you are giving other people attention that they think they should be getting.
Theres enough to go round for everyone isnt there?
No need to throw his toys out his pram.
C xxxx
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (27 August 2007):
Hello Night,
This is not healthy for either one of you. You should not be trying to control what the other does or looks at, especially with things that are so trivial in your lives. Have you considered couples therapy? I think there's more going on here than just looking at websites. I think there are deeper issues that need to be resolved; then the website issues will clear up on their own.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2007): What a ridiculous argument he's making here. Porn with words? How stupidly innaccurate. If I were you I'd tell him that you enjoy using the website and that's that. There really isn't much he can do about it because it's your free time and you can do what you damn well like with it. It's only an advice site afterall and I don't see how you giving advice to people would affect him in the slightest.
Ask him if he would prefer you to use the internet to access dating websites or porn with pictures and see what he says to that. Then tell him to get real because he's making a problem of something that doesn't need to be a problem.
You keep doing what you're doing hun, if you enjoy it then go for it.
xxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 August 2007):
 This calls for a compromise, you give up Dear Cupid and he gives up buying anything on line. See if that will solve the problem.
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