A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is very long. It's getting harder for me to hold in my feelings. My family have always had problems. My grandparents always like to play favorites with their grand kids. There were three of us and they treated Emily much better. Babysitting, buying things, spending time, etc. I knew it was going on as a child (they were really obvious about it) but I didn't really care. Fast forward twenty years and we all grow up. One of their grand kids (my cousin, Pete) gets on drugs. He goes on to have 4 children by different women. Emily meanwhile has a child (their great grandchild, Rose). They favor Rose over Pete's children. Pete had one daughter, Heather, who he brought around a lot. Rose is kissed and held and given gifts. Heather isn't. Heather is at one point banned from their house. At this point it becomes apparent that Emily and Pete's dad is also playing favorites with their children. He spends time with Rose and has her over for sleepovers and to the extreme buys her a horse. He refuses to be around Heather. The two girls are at a sport competition and he won't cheer for heather but cheers for Rose. He won't acknowledge Pete's other 3 kids. Pete died of a drug overdose last year. He had 4 kids all half siblings. I have tried and tried to be there for those kids. Taking them to places together so they can know each other as siblings. There grandfather, and great grandparents (my grandparents) won't have anything to do with them. Heather lives two blocks from them all. I've said things to them in the past about this situation. I've always gotten screamed at over it. I've held and held my tongue but I can't do it any longer. I haven't seen them in months. I don't want to, yet feel obligated to as my grandparents are getting very old. It was fine to treat me like shit I can deal with that. But to treat these little kids so badly? I can handle it anymore. I've always loved these kids but while Pete was alive I felt he could protect them from this. Or at least be the one to handle it. Now he's dead and my family exclude these kids from everything. They refused to write "father" on the tombstone. They don't invite them to Christmas. They had a memory party for Pete on his birthday and wouldn't invite his kids. But invite Rose, these kids cousin, their other grand child and great grandchild.I'm sick of explaining to these kids why there is such a difference made between them and Rose. Why they are included or invited. I'm going to be having Thanksgiving with my family (minus the kids because they aren't invited) and dreading it. I know it's a long way off yet but I keep having these conversations in my head with my relatives (more like yelling at them). I'm so angry with them I can barely tolerate talking on the phone with them. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle it. I just keep telling myself these kids are better off without these people in their lives. But when a child asks you why their grandparent won't talk to them it makes you furious. Any advice or help to deal with this is appreciated.Thanks for patiently reading this!
View related questions:
christmas, cousin, drugs Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2014): Thank you all for your replies! I really appreciate it. -Female reader: You have no idea how much the omission of ‘Father’ on the gravestone has bothered me. I’ve decided to just buy a ‘Father’ ribbon to stick in the flowers for his kids. What kills me is that he had married the mother of his youngest child and definitely was a proper father for her. But when he died Pete’s dad bought everything and the wife, and children, weren’t considered in any decision. I really liked your response for what to tell them. I’ll definitely remember for when they ask me again. Selfishness really does describe them perfectly. -Ilifton: I’m very sorry for your brother’s and your situation with the little girl. That’s horrible. As for the generational gap I’ve racked my brain trying to come up with a possible explanation. You see the think is my grandmother (kid’s great-grandmother) was an illegitimate child born out of wedlock in the 1930’s. You can imagine the huge scandal this caused. Emily, had Rose out of Wedlock as well. You do have a point about 4 different women, that could possibly make the difference? But I remember them treating Heather, his oldest, like dirt when she was two (long before any of his other children). I just can’t make sense of their thinking. Pete’s father, my uncle, has however called the children an embarrassment to him so that possibly might explain his horrid behavior. -CindyCares: You’re probably right about them being set in their way’s it’s been over thirty years of playing favorites and twelve years of ignoring these kids. On a final note we did decide to host Thanksgiving for the kids (a day after actual Thanksgiving) so the kids can have the experience of having a holiday with each other. The only reason I hadn’t considered it is because of the volume of people, but I discussed it with my mother (who also is involved with the kids) and we decided to rent a room for the party. Each child lives with a set of grandparents, plus some of the children still have Aunts and Uncles (the kid’s mom’s were young and they had younger siblings) in the house. It’ll be around 20-30 people. Now I only have to face my grandparents and uncle next time I visit without exploding. Hopefully, do-able
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 July 2014):
 I agree with those who suggest you spend Thanksgiving on your own with the 4 kids and start your own wonderful Thanksgiving 's tradition. You have love and concern in your heart to give to these kids- do it, before and beyond trying to squeeze love and concen out of where there isn't .
Ultimately, we cannot change people, at least not people people who do not want to change. Your attempts in this direction are probably just going to leave you frustrated and embittered, and won't make these kids'lives happier and better. What you do in first person will.
We may debate till tomorrow WHY these grandparents behave this way, the fact is, we do not know. Maybe they are just cild and mean by nature, maybe they have some sort of excuses or extenuating circumstances. Like, I don't know, that they had to suffer so much and go through so much because of Pete, that anyting connected to Pete brings up painful feelings, so they are authomatically removing this connection. Go figure. The point being, they are old and set in their ways - they SHOULD chamge but most probably they won't. You cannot do much about that, but you can do a lot for stepping in emotionally in lieu of these neglectful granparents. Love is love, no matter from what source or degree of kinship.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (29 July 2014):
 I can somewhat relate to this. But not remotely in the way my brother could.
My brother, who was 31 at the time, was in a very unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship with a woman for about a year (not married). The woman became pregnant and had a baby girl. We all thought she was my brother's (turned out to be another man's child who she was cheating on him with. Didn't discover this until almost two years down the road), so I was thrilled! I thought I was an aunt! I met her and held her and loved her! My parents, on the other hand, were very standoffish. I couldn't fathom why. It was their first grand child and I thought they would be overcome with joy. They weren't. I think they were very disappointed that my brother wasn't married and was having a baby out of wedlock. I also think they didn't like this woman (understandably so). So all that being said, they took it all out on this poor, beautiful, completely innocent baby girl. They wanted nothing to do with her because they didn't support the out of wedlock thing. I think they thought they raised him better than that and were embarrassed by it. Of course, there's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, but they seemed to believe there was.
I think the problem lies in the fact that your grandparents and great grandparents come from a different time period. In their time, having children from 4 different women was very uncommon and very frowned upon. You settled down, got married, and then had babies. Nobody divorced, etc. It was the way of the time. Now, there's single mothers and fathers left and right. Times and norms are completely different. But to them, they most likely saw your cousin, Pete (sorry for your loss), as a failure and an embarrassment to them. So they want nothing to do with the kids. They are punishing them for what they perceived as the failure of their father.
I'm in no way rationalizing or justifying their behavior. Merely attempting to explain why I think they are behaving the way they are. I think it's incredibly sad and heartbreaking. Same for when my parents did the same thing to my brother. It's not fair and it's not acceptable. Family is family, regardless of if their parents are married or not. And regardless of if their mother or father is a drug addict or not. Regardless of anything. Family is always family.
I would just tell these kids that you don't know why their grandparents and great grandparents behave this way. Just continue on with your lovely relationship with them and continue to make them feel loved and appreciated. And continue to encourage their relationship amongst each other. They can be a fantastic support system for each other. And that's really all you can do. Don't remove yourself from your grandparents life, as I truly do believe you will regret that down the road, even if you are mad at how they are behaving. Just keep doing what you're doing. You've got a good heart. Just keep it up.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2014): I would have thanksgiving with the 4 KIDS INVITED and uninvite the crowd who don't care. Why do you have to have thanksgiving with that bunch? We have expectations from can feel that something must be wrong with us,when in fact a lot of families are just a crowd of good for nothing ignorant pomps that don't have half a brain between them to 'think' that their lack of care and love for a family member could and does have life long damaging effects.You can bang on and on about this in your head or even their heads and end up even more frustrated when you recieve no logical sound explanation for their blatent lack of love for their own grandchildren. The biggest insult is the gravestone not acknowledging HIS CHILDREN, and a memory party that his children were barred from. Their attitude turns my stomach and no reason is a good enough reason to DENY an innocent child love and respect.I would be honest to these children the kindest way I could and tell them not to expect any return from their grandparents as they are very selfish people and only think of themselves and the children are better off away from people like this. At the end of the day they are only people, blood is NOT thicker than water as so many believe, love is the eternal bond not blood and if love is not there other than genetics what is family? Family does not always have love to share and to expect it can bring huge dissapointment. You are the family member who is aware' and sensitive to their feelings and maaybe more aware because of your own experiences. It can be you that makes them feel loved and special(this is enough)YOU who helps them remember their Father, you who breaks the family cycle.Please follow your heart with these children and bring them together in a new type of family. You have the ability to change your FAMILY GENERATIONS for the good( your older family generation do NOT have the ability to them any good just longterm harm.Good Luck and rainbow hugs to these children, it breaks my heart to think of any child UNLOVED.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (28 July 2014):
 Honestly, no matter how common this problem is, it's still so wrong. The whole Thanksgiving thing coming up is horrible. I mean, as children my sister and I were excluded from things (family functions, church stuff with other kids, etc) and it does total harm. You should rather be with those dear kids on thanksgiving and let all of the "special" people have their special day together. As a kid being treated like that, you begin to question your own character. You begin to ask yourself, "what's so wrong with me that I'm not as important as so and so in their eyes?" And that is not what you want any child to have to ask themselves. Just be there for them. Having someone around will make them feel more special instead of being completely abandoned by their family on a day that is supposed to be spent with family. Even if you've got to do it alone, it will do them good in the long run. No child deserves to be treated that way. It's not their fault that they're all half siblings. It's not their fault what their father got into. They're innocent in the entire thing. They didn't ask to be born into such a mess. They need as much love and support as possible and you could help do that. It will be tough but it will be worth it seeing them smile. Just because everyone else pays them no mind, it doesn't mean you have to be a part of it. Be there for these kids OP. They need somebody to be there.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2014): Thank you for your replies. None of these kids live with their mothers. All the maternal grandparents are raising them as mom is doing drugs. It isn't me who wants the relationship it is the Maternal guardians and children. I don't bring them up around the children because I don't want them hurt. It is the child who asks me why. One of them did ask their dad's dad (their grandfather) why he won't talk to them or see them. He didn't reply to the email.I have nothing asking Rose as I had nothing again her mother Emiy who was the original favorite. Heather is having the hardest time with this. She's developed a complex where she compares everything she does to her cousin Rose. Every single time I call her she asks me when I talked to Rose last. I'm very worried for her. I've discussed with her maternal grandmother about this before and she's told me she also thinks Heather is developing a complex where she feels she has to be perfect for people to love her. She recorded her first B on a report card recently and was extremely upset for months. Luckily, the younger 3 children haven't been as exposed to the rest of my family. (Two of them have never met the grandparents as they refuse to). But for Heather I'm very worried.I'm not sure if I made the extent of their favoritism clear. For Christmas they bought Rose a laptop, a bunch of gadgets, hundreds of dollars worth of clothes, and random odds and ends. For Heather they bought a dollar store watch. These two girls are around each other quite often. They are the same age and do the same activities. When there grandfather shows up to their cheer competition with a sign for Rose and won't cheer for Heather you can imagine the child's confusion. It's blatant and obvious. I don't know how to help her deal with it. It kills me when she calls me and I'm over at my grandparents for an event or holiday. Her first question is always if Rose is there.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 July 2014):
 I don't think this is uncommon at all.
Growing up one of my cousins (my aunt's youngest boy) was the favorite of my maternal grandmother. He was always very uncomfortable with the attention and "bigger" presents, a good kid (grew up to be a priest by the way). I think the rest of us grandkids never resented HIM for it, we did think it was a bit unfair, but we also understood that Grandma could CHOOSE and SPEND whatever time, effort and money on whomever SHE wanted. Now the reason WHY he was the favorite? He wasn't "supposed" to be. My aunt didn't want more kids and my uncle had JUST had a vasectomy when they found out and they contemplated an abortion, but grandma convinced them to keep the baby. So there is usually something to a story that people generally don't know.
My paternal grandmother ADORED a cousin of ours and we never heard the end of the "golden boy's achievements".. well, when we hit our 20's, I was doing good in college, my brother had gotten his act together and was doing pretty good, and well... "Golden boy" was a gay dragqueen... He sort of lost some of his "luster" in my Grandma's eyes. He also became a good friend of mine. So all the favoritism didn't matter to US.
The thing is with "family-drama" like this there is a LOT more to the story then YOU probably know and is aware off.
Is it fair that "Pete's" kids are judged by their Dad? No. Nor is it fair that Rose is singled out. She didn't choose that role either and is most likely not even aware.
This is a choice made BY the grandmother. Instead of trying to explain it to the kids, I would make SURE I show my love for the kids you LOVE.
Family means you share genes. For some that means everything for others it means squat.
If the grandkids ask why grandma/grandpa don't want to talk to them or include them, TELL them you don't know, that they should ASK grandma/grandpa if given the chance, but for now that maybe they ARE better off NOT knowing these folks who are so busy judging them on their father's behavior, choices and life.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 July 2014):
 do all the mothers of these children feel the same way?
do the mothers of these children try to have relationships with the grandparents and great grandparents or is this your wish?
some families are like this.... it may be since Pete had no respect for these women (impregnating 4 different women 4 different times that the grandparents and great grandparents are being shut out by the mothers of these children.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 July 2014):
 It happens in families, and yes, it sucks to be the one who is left out all the time, but really, there is not a lot you can do.
When the kids ask that awkward question tell them the truth, you don't know.
As for thanksgiving, you don't have to have Thanksgiving with that half of the family you barely tolerate, (your words) you could do something fun with the kids that aren't invited!
If you still live at home then pack up some turkey sandwiches and something for dessert and take thanksgiving to the kids who usually miss out!
Maybe the rest of the family might realise how unfair they are and wake up to themselves.
Good luck!
...............................
|
