A
male
age
36-40,
*p-boy
writes:hey i dont know how to ask this but here goes .....i have been with my girlfriend for some time and love every minute i am with her , i knew she has had sexual partners in the past one being her ex boyfriend and the other was a boy she was seeing after him and it was a one night stand kind of thing.....so i thought. any ways we were talking bout our sexual past i admitted losing my virginity at 20 because i believe in plain speaking and honesty. then she said something that i noticed when she was talking bout hers she let something out by mistake and it turns out there was a boy before her boyfriend to whom she popped her cherry with and the one night stand thing was a lie it was a f**k buddy kinda thing.now i dont know what to think . because she well lied it realy got to me because i am open about my personal life. what do i do because i asked her why she did this and all i got was a murmour so i just left it because it was realy getting me annoyed what do i do please help ?
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her ex, one night stand, sexual past Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (12 May 2010):
 "Judging by number of posters on here 14 and younger sexually active"
Remember that this is a site for people with sexual and relationship issues: meaning that's who visit and post. The result is that it is very much NOT a representative sample of the human race: it's a self-selected group of people with issues (and web connections).
What I do wonder is whether the next generation (teenagers now) will face this problem in the same way. If the issue is cultural then you'd expect it to get much less, as 'sexual equality' for women is becoming more accepted. However I have a hunch it won't, since I think this issue is far more animal / biological in it's source than cultural.
"What guys like you call differing values usually add up to hypocrisy."
I completely agree with you here q1605. 'Morality' and 'values' around this are almost always brought up by an angry and jealous man to justify his negative feelings, and negative judgements. It's a smokescreen only.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (12 May 2010):
 Judging by number of posters on here 14 and younger sexually active, I think maybe Middle School will only net seasoned veterans.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (12 May 2010):
 Q is right "If guys want honesty from women, we have to quit punishing them when they give it to us."
There are too many things a person needs to watch out now days to many STD's but in fairness it works both ways.
If a guy wants to be honest and admits to sleeping with 10 girls in his past its acceptable...and the girls decides to be honest and says she slept with 10 guys what happens she is called a slut and not worth being with her because she is a liar.
Double standards, and until man grow up and learn how to tolerate the truth females like the posters girlfriend will tend to bend the truth a little....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2010): Your idea would work fine in a world without STDs and differing values, q1605.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2010): Well said Q. Very well said.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (12 May 2010):
She might think your the jealous type, that your insecure, that you would leave her, that your the macho type, there could be so many reason why she was not honest with you, but in reality you should respect her privacy.
This is her past and she should tell you about it when she feels she is ready, not when you decide its time for her to be honest because than you won't get the whole story correct just partial fact.
Think whats more important to you her as a person, if she is your priority than don't look into her past, look toward her future and if your lucky enough and play your cards right, you two will be happy. Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, t3nstars +, writes (12 May 2010):
sure she lied. but you must understand that she lied because she was worried you would judge her for it. If you love her, then ask her not to lie to you again, get over it and get on with your relationship.:)No one is perfect.
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A
male
reader, The Knight +, writes (12 May 2010):
Simple... the past is the past, doors are closed and we cannot go back, therefore accept this. Instead concentrate on the now, THE PRESENT, let tomorrow the future come in its own time. Enjoy ever moment you spend with her, praise her, tell the best bits of the relationship with TRUTH and then if she feels she can trust you she may well open up. But as with Pandora's Box, once opened the only thing left was hope and is that something that should be left on her shoulders if you cannot deal with her past. Finally ask yourself one question WHY DO I REALLY NEED TO KNOW? Simple you are insecure and should deal with that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2010): Yep, agree with the others. Whenever I've asked partners about their past relationships I've always felt jealous and uncomfortable about it. It's human nature to feel bad about it, even if it is irrational. Why torture yourself? Don't talk about it and don't ask about it. She wasn't 'lying' as such, she was just being vague to spare you the details. And I bet that she would rather not hear about who you have slept with before either.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (12 May 2010):
 I think the poster is more upset with the fact that she lied more than her actual past. Sure, a guy doesn't necessarily like hearing about his girlfriend's past... but that's only natural in a relationship. But any relationship that could be serious needs to have honesty. Some girls are embarrassed, some think their boyfriend may not like it, but it can't be kept from him anymore can a guy keep info from a girl.
I understand what you are saying. It's about trust. If she was honest with you from the beginning sure you wouldn't have loved hearing it, but it would be out there and you two would be closer for the honesty that you shared. It seems like you've been honest thus far.
I agree with the others to say don't dwell on her actual past. What happened, happened. If you are going to pursue this with her you need to focus on the honesty part. Tell her how much she means to her, and how much her being honest means to you. Make sure you tell her she doesn't have to be ashamed of her past, you just want her to be truthful with her. Because if she's not, then trusting her in general would be difficult.
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A
male
reader, lionelhutz +, writes (12 May 2010):
While I believe in honesty, much as some of the other responses have said, I would not dig or dwell on her past. Women aren't as "open" with that info as a guy might be. And as you're finding out, the more you know, they less you may wish you knew. She has a past much as you do. But the past is the past, you need to enjoy the present. best of luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2010): What happened in the past remains in the past. If you cannot get over the fact that she had sex with other guys then you need to break up with her.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (12 May 2010):
This is why it's best never to talk about your partner's past. Yes she lied, for this very reason. She knew you'd be mad and now you've proved her right. Who cares what happened before? It's her past. Stop living in her past and realize that she's now with you and fancies you. Get back to her, say you're sorry for walking out and move on. If you don't, you'll lose her and the same thing will end up happening with the next woman you meet.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (12 May 2010):
 What is really important is the here and now in your relationship, not the past. She may have been creative about her past because she thought you might look down on her for having a casual sexual relationship. If you start dwelling on this it will ruin the relationship. I have never fully discussed my sexual past with my husband because I think it is irrelevant to right here, right now - and I don't know much about his ex-partner's either. If you really love this girl then treasure her, don't condemn her for something that is behind her...if she feels bad about her past conduct then you would be rubbing salt in the wounds by dwelling on it and we are all entitled to make mistakes.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (12 May 2010):
 Leave her past alone . The more you know, the more you ill be troubled and I think it will constantly trouble you to no ends.
If you enjoy the present, just be that way and let the past be history.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (12 May 2010):
Be careful. You could easily mess up your relationship... and as you say you 'love every minute I am with her'.
First thing... why do you need to know?
She doesn't want to tell you. This is very normal: most girls know that this kind of information just upsets their boyfriend and makes them feel jealous. She does not want that!
And why do you want to feel jealous? This information is not going to help you in any way, it is only going to make you feel bad. There is no reason why knowing this information is helpful or good for you: it is not.
Don't force her to tell you this. It will cause lots of problems.
I recommend you don't ask any more questions. Just enjoy how much you like her now, and trust her. Why make her suffer by asking her to tell you this? If you want her to be happy (and don't want to make yourself sick by thinking about her exes), just don't go there.
So... it's not 'what do I do?'. It is "what do i stop doing?". And the answer is: stop asking the questions and stop thinking about her past
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