A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi, please help me i'm sorry this is going to be long but please take the time to read this really need someones help... i have been with with my girlfriend for 4 and half years, she was 16 and i was 23 when we met. we have always been there for eachother and specially when her mum died 3 years ago she needed me the most and she told me i was her rock, i was her first love and she lost her virginity to me. she was my second love and because i was so badly hurt the first time in the beginning of our relationship i was quite paranoid about her leaving me as she is only young. she however promised that this would never happen as she is quite old fashioned and believes in trying no matter what. she has always said she loved me and i have always told her how much i love her i wouldn't want to lose her she is my soulmate we have such a good friendship and understanding of eachother or so i thought, a few months ago i lost my job as a carpenter as there is no work around, but the house we live in i have been working on for a long time and never seem to get any where. so when i lost my job i started concentrating on doing the house up so that we could have a nice home to live in. at the time the house was a buildingsite materials every where tools etc. and because its a matter of doing one room at a time there is alot of clutter in all rooms and think this has put a lot of strain on our relationship also having my mate as lodger has put strain on me because i dont really want him here but have to for the money. she also started a job last year that as far as i can tell she has not enjoyed at all. i am now 28 and she has just turned 21, a week after her party i noticed she wasn't herself really and we had been arguing over silly stuff, washing not done dishes everywhere the house being a lot messier than it normally is which i kinda blamed on her but now thinking about it has alot to do with my lodger he is so lazy. anyway a couple of weeks after her party i woke up in the morning and tried to get a cuddle of her and she pulled away as she was on facebook on her phone, which she is on constantly. this kinda hurt me so i got out bed went downstairs and when she come down i made the mistake of ignoring her. she broke down in tears and said she cannot handle this anymore, so i asked her if she wanted a break she said yeah and left. for the first 4 days i did not get in touch with her as though it was just a phase. this did not please her though so i spoke to her and after the week was over she came back because she could not habdle the crying and being so upset, she said that what we had was not worth chucking away, so she come back but was not the same she wouldn't let me touch her or kiss she said i was smothering her but i was doing what i thought was best to try, so i started to get paranoid again because she was being so cold with me. in the mean time my brother got married, iwas best man and she was maid of honour and even on a day like that she was being off with me it was if she was saying goodbye or thats how it felt. during the ceremony not once did she look at me and then at reception would not dance with me and told me to have fun. a couple of days after wedding which was 2weeks after she come back, we woke up and i looked at her and could see there was something wrong we had had a little arguement the night before but i just went bed and thought nothing of it. so i asked her what was wrong to which she replied i don't want to hurt you and that she does love me but is not inlove with me. i emmediatly got very angry and told her to get out then i started to pack her stuff but was so upset just ran out of the house. she had a appointment that day to have braces fitted and after that i got a text saying that she was going to get some of her stuff, so i text back saying get all of it or it will be on the street. in hindsight that is not what i should have said. a couple of days later i got thisI know you probably don’t want to talk to me I just wanted you to know. I’ll always care about you and think of you, you have been my best friend for nearly 5 years I have always accepted you for you and would never want to change you. I know everyone looks at me as a child and thinks I haven’t thought about it. I’ve felt so sad for making you sad. All I have done is think I’m sending myself mad. I love you for you, but right now I can’t handle it at all and that’s not fair on you I always thought we were perfect together showed everyone else up. things got on top of me and I didn’t handle it at all, I’ve always been strong and now I feel so weak I don’t know how I’m going to cope without you I care about you sososo much have never said a bad word, I feel so protective over you. Hope one day we will be ok. You will always be in my heart your all I’ve ever wanted, I don’t want anyone else. I’m sorry for hurting you I've always tried to do what’s best I’m a mess and I’m hurting in every part of my body. X now this just confused me so i asked not to txt things like that as it gives mixed messages she said she understands etc she still had some stuff to pick up from the house that she had hid in my lodgers room affraid that i would chuck it out. so idecide to write her a letter and leave it with her stuff so that she would at least know how i feel. when i saw that she had picked her stuff up which she got her cousin to do while i was out and my lodger let her in cause we all know the same people.so realsing that she had got her stuff decided to ask her if she had read the letter, 15min later i get thisyou must be pshycic i've literally just read it :( really is lovely. im so sorry for hurting you i never wanted to hurt you. every word i said to you i ment i dont regret anything either, i thinkk i let things get too bad which was to late for me not knowing what to do then things changed was too late. i will never forget you either just hope we can be friends one day its raw at the moment . i care about you soso much and dont want you to think this has been easy for me. xxi then got a bit emoitional and replied its not too late please dont do this.i need you, i love you cant stop crying my head hurts so much i need to see you.she said im sorry dont be sad. you dont need to see me yet it will meke things alot harder it will be ok you dont see it now but it will xthen im hurting too seeing you isn't going to help either of us, i am sorry u will be ok.so i said no i won't, we can work this out i know we can please its necer to late xx that was it till morning and then only had 2 hours sleep so text her again just saying:you know how i feel now please take care in all you do x i love you and wish you well that was yesterday on the 5/9/2011. she hasn't replied and i am so lost cant bare to lose her just dont know what to do i keep telling myself she may come back but deep down think that this is it what do i do i need your help and advise on this i have decide to leave her alone but dont know if this is the best thing to do or what please comment if you know or have been through same thing i love her so so much and just feel empty.
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male
reader, Ashley0112358 +, writes (6 September 2011):
 Thank you for making me read all of that =) (joking), dont worry, it is always helpful when people give all the information, it allows us to give properly informed answers.
It seems you both clearly care about each other, but at the moment you both need space and time to calm down. Stresses in relationships are not always easy to deal with.
Im sure you still love her, so my suggestion would be, to be there for her as a friend. Talk things through, only if she is ready too.
let her know you are there, as a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, someone there to listen. In the mean time continue cleaning and fixing up you house, as that way the stress of a cluttered home wont be there.
Work on your problems one by one, Sit down, and rationally and calmly write a list of the stresses you both face.
Whether its work, your friend, mess, whatever. Just work through you list.
Your girlfriend seems a little unsure of herself at the moment, she needs time to think things through, but at the least, make sure she knows that you dont see her as a child.
The most important thing is that you are there to support her, try to stay calm and not lose your temper as you will say things you will regret. Eventually things will get better and you can both decide what you want to do from there.
Good luck mate
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2011): Hi. I read your story its really touching. And i also have undergone this pain that you are undergoing now. If you really want to see her then don't let her know and go where she lives now and try to see her yourself. My boyfriend used this to see me when i didn't talk to him. I wish you all the best and don't worry everything will be alright. Because you both really like each other. And true lovers can't go very far from each, at least your hearts will always with each other
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (6 September 2011):
 She feels that the stagnation involved in a house that undoubtedly has taken a ridiculous amount of time to complete is one where she has to live in it. She would rather you not build the house, but get a job doing anything and renting an apartment and with both your jobs be able to save up money for an already completed house. Plus, you are a carpenter? I happen to be a contractor in the United States. I get crews together that work on whole house remodeling and they finish in under a few weeks. Get some of your mates and start working on some projects, bidding so that you have enough to make enough money per week plus a nice chunk of change after the job is complete.Materials =x, labor=x, and your cut as manager and middle man between material suppliers =x DO NOT invest in the project. Have some guy that likes to buy and sell houses do it. Have a side job doing landscaping for house sellers, so that they can sell the houses with greater ease and greater profit margins and charge as though you were a professional. You have a good chance at making a lot of money instead of working endlessly on house that should take no more than a few weeks to finish with some guys where you have a lazy bum to pay rent and a girlfriend that is getting eternally pissed.Work smart, not hard. Do not eat the cost of an entire house when you don't have a job. That is not smart.You want to know why your girlfriend dumped you? Money losses, reduced standard of living, living with a bum, etc.Seriously, I know that when you think back on it I am right. Forget the house, get ANY job, and get rid of that roommate for christ's sake. Move in to a flat with your girlfriend and develop connections after work and make sure you be intimate with your girlfriend.I have always said this and always will say it. Women by nature are inherently giving creatures. All you have to do is not make stupid decisions (sorry, the house and the roommate? stupid) and make them feel sexy and wanted and they are satisfied beyond all comprehension. That is how you get your girlfriend back.
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