A
male
age
30-35,
*izz
writes:So here's the situation. Me and my girlfriend have been together for 2 months and things were going absolutely perfect for us until yesterday/today. She went out to a pub with a friend on sunday night, she asked me if i wanted to go however i couldnt go due to university work. Now i know that she gets a little 'handsy' when she's drunk however in the past she's managed to control these urges and i have trusted her completely. While she was at the pub i was texting her just about her day etc and i noticed she was acting odd and was heavily intoxicated. I didnt make anything of it until today when she asked to meet me out at uni and itwas there that she told me she had sex with a man she met that night at the pub. Obviously i was devastated. I have never seen someone so upset and disappointed in themselves. She wasn't wearing any makeup, hadn't showered/put deoderant on that morning, hadn't cleaned her teeth and she was wearing worse clothes than usual. She said she didn't deserve to be clean. She said this morning she was so upset that she sat out in her street hoping a car would hit her. Her friend also told me that she randomly started crying during a lecture this morning. I know for CERTAIN that she would never do something like this again. She even said that she was going to heavily reduce her drinking and isn't going to hang out with that girl she went to the pub with because she does stupid things with her.Im just not sure what to do, she was perfect for me. Also i have severe anxiety so for me to get to know a girl to the point of starting a relationship doesn't come along very often. A few days ago she told me she loved me and i believe she does. I know there are 0 excuses for doing something like this and it hurts like hell. I have no idea why she would do this to me considering she knows about my anxiety/depression and my previous relationship (cheated on me many times).Basically i am asking for people's advice about what i should do. Breakup? forgive? etc. Im desparate for guidance. Thanks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): "I know for CERTAIN that she would never do something like this again."
How the fuck would you know that? Did you know for CERTAIN that she would cheat on you the first time? Tell me really: how can you trust her after this?
Do you know why she did it? Because she doesn't respect you man, that's why. She knew it was you sending those messages but she wanted to have sex.
If you want to go through the pain a second time, you're welcome to do it. But make no mistake: your insecurity and indecisiveness will cost you dearly as history will repeat itself over and over.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2012): Well, I personally agree with bits and pieces from everyones answers so far. On one hand, I don't think a 'one night stand' as they're called, is really cheating. I consider cheating to be a prolonged, planned thing, something SO worth breaking up over. Being drunk (or as you put it, highly intoxicated) is different for people. Some can be quite drunk and still relatively hold some common sense, whereas others become different people, completely care free or even violent when in normal circumstances they're kind, docile people. I trust my boyfriend, to the point where I know that if he had sex with someone after being completely plastered on a night out, he didn't mean it to hurt me, to spite me, and it doesn't mean he cares any less for me. For all I know, he could have been so drunk that he simply thought to himself (with a brain that's almost literally gone back to a lizard brain with the amount of alcohol) 'this girl has big boobs and blonde hair and wants to have sex with me. Cool.' One thing that concerns me though, is how your girlfriend seems to be reacting. Saying that she sat on the street hoping a car would run her over is SUCH an exaggerated statement. This is the sort of thing I'd say to someoneif I wanted to be forgiven to make MYSELF feel better. If I cheated on my boyfriend when I wasn't in half my right mind, I would be serious about it, I wouldn't make all these ridiculous, drastic statements. I'd be very sorry, honest and straightforward.Everyone says that there is no excuse for doing something like this. I have never cheated on my boyfriend and I don't think I ever will, but in my experience and opinion, heavy intoxication IS an excuse for the act itself - but not an excuse not to apologize and take action on saving your relationship. Maybe I'm one in a million, but I'm not a big believer in 'cheating is absolutely unacceptable'. My ex boyfriend cheated on me, but he did it sober, and that WAS unacceptable. He didn't apologize either.Well, it's up to you really, if you want to stay together, I recommend following 'Yos' advice...it's hard but I think it's great advice if your girlfriend can do it with you for a while.Anyway, this better be your best answer because it took me almost an hour and a half to write. ;) Good luck to ya
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2012): So she didn't wash, said she'd hope a car hits her, probably cried and looked real sad...I'm sorry but a person knows what they are doing or going to do. She had "urges" before, but this time acted on them. I'm sorry for your pain, it really sucks but this girl sounds like she plays mind games and she knows if she "doesn't wash or tells you she will hurt herself" you will crumble and forgive her.
Listen mate you truth is this..If you love someone and you go out with friends, you don't go cheating up another man, then go to wherever they went, and have sex, real love is about not only respecting your partner but respecting yourself, and truth be told, during the whole process she put any thoughts of you to the back of her mind so she could cheat.
Time to be a man and do the right thing for yourself. Find someone you can trust because if you love someone then you don't hurt them and you certainly dont sleep with someone else.
Good luck buddy, there are more chicks out there bro and nice ones too. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (31 July 2012):
It's not often that I say this, but in this case I think you should consider giving her a second chance. She truly seems disgusted with herself and since she has also owned up to it so soon after it happened, I think there's a good chance she won't do it again. Most cheaters I encounter on this site aren't all that remorseful and try to excuse their own behavior. Your girlfriend shows neither characteristics, so that's good.
That said, make it clear to her that if she truly wants a shot at this to work again, she's going to have to earn your trust back. Yos gave some really good pointers when it comes to that. Really focus on the alcohol part, as no-one should let herself get intoxicated to the point they cannot think and act clearly anymore.
But above all, listen to your heart. If you feel you cannot move forward with her, cut her loose and move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2012): Just tell her she completely devastated you. You need time to decide what to do. That's it, don't contact her, ignore calls/texts. Etc. if you must reply, just say, I need time to figure out what to do...
Let her feel the pain. I know you said she's already sorry, but you need to let her really feel it; or else she will do it again. After a week or so, tell her that you are still hurt; but you will give her one more chance. Stress ONE. That if she ever does it again, it's over period. No excuses, chances, drunk, high, it doesn't matter. It's over. Even if it's 10 years down the road, and she kisses a guy, it's done. If she really loves you, she will accept these terms...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2012): A lot of people test their partners level of self respect, find them failing, get dissatisfied, and ultimately leave them, all without ever intentionally wanting to do it.
Maybe you want to stay with her or maybe not. But if you elect to stay then I suggest you not go too easy on her. She is consciously very sorry about her actions but that is not enough. She has to not only THINK that you have too much self respect to ever put up with it again, she also has to FEEL that way in her gut.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (30 July 2012):
As you said, there are no excuses, but it does sound like she’s truly sorry and utterly devastated by her actions. If she’s this upset by it, it’s unlikely that she’ll do it again. She certainly should reduce her drinking, if she makes such terrible decisions when drunk she simply should not be getting that drunk. The thing you need to think about is whether or not you can forgive her. What would she need to do for you to at least start to rebuild the trust? You should talk it over with her, tell her how hurt you are and what you need from her to help you start to put this behind you. You must be aware that to forgive her means to truly try and put it in the past, you can’t bring it up next time you argue, or when you’re disagreeing about something. Forgiving means drawing a line under the past, agreeing to learn lessons from the mistake and committing yourselves to moving on. Unless you’re convinced that you’ll never forgive her, you should really give it careful thought before breaking up with her. This relationship sounds like it was solid before this incident, and it sounds like this incident is probably a one-off. Certainly if you remove the causal factor, excessive alcohol, you can be confident that she won’t do it again. There is certainly something worth fighting for here, so have the conversation with her about how you move on.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2012): Sorry, OP, but I think you should break up. There is NO excuse for cheating. If you can't control your urges, and you know you can get 'handsy', you simply don't get that drunk if you are in a relationship. If you love someone, you don't do that to them.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (30 July 2012):
 It sounds like you want to forgive her. And it does sound like she's truly truly sorry.
I'd suggest you take her back.
At the same time she's going to have to do a few things:
- You'll probably be very paranoid and jealous for a while. She needs to not go out drinking without you until your trust is re-established. I would even say no drinking at all unless she's with you until you are both feeling better.
- When she's not with you she can text you frequently to tell you she's thinking of you. You'll probably find yourself worrying about what she's up to: she can help that by telling you.
- She could let you know she's home safe etc. If you know each night she's home in her own bed you'll sleep 100 times better and so will she.
Jealousy is an ugly thing and you shouldn't feed it. But expect it and deal with it by having her reassure you. I would never condone 'controlling behaviour' either, but in this case she needs to make amends.
It's ok to talk about your feelings about this for a while, but forgiveness takes forgetting eventually. Don't use it as a stick to beat her with, she's doing that to herself already. We all make mistakes: it makes you a strong man to be able to see this and see in her heart she didn't mean it. If you can get past this and end up with a great relationship you can be proud of yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2012): I also have anciety and depression, which I am working on, but for me cheating under any circumstance is a deal breaker no matter how sorry my partner is. I believe if they were truly that sorry and truly cared for me they would control themselves. I have been drunk in the past, and I have been in a situation where I could have done something, but I didn't and wouldn't. Everyone has self control it's whether they chose to control themselves is the issue. Depression and anxiety are hard enough to deal with themselves, without the added pressure of being with someone who you know has cheated on you and is capable of cheating on you. I know you care about her, and you believe she is truly sorry, and she may be, I don't know her so only can make that call. I urge you to think seriously about yourself and your own health. Do you really want to be with someone whom you cannot trust, and whom you know has cheated on you already? In the end only you can decide, just do what is best for you, and do not allow her guilt or apologies make your decision for you. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2012): I'm really sorry you are in this situation, it's sad that it has happened whilst you are still at the beginning of your relationship and shouldn't even be thinking about other people as it's all new and exciting.I can't offer you much on the situation as I'm trying to forgive my partner for cheating on me. The best thing to do is establish why the cheating happened in the first place there is almost always a reason. Also it comes down to you, can you forgive her? can you move on from this and not hold it over her forever? You need to set some ground rules she clearly cannot control herself whilst drunk, so you have to speak to her about this too (being drunk is by no means an excuse) If you can move past it, you should try. It's been a while since my partner cheated whilst I was devastated when it came to light I knew I loved him, our relationship is better we never argue and enjoy ourselves so much more. It happened a year in and we are at 3 years now I'm not holding it over him. I'm not saying it's easy I went through a million emotions to get to where I am today and some days I get sad thinking he could do that to me.If you don't think you can forgive and move on then I say cut your losses and move on, because it's usually a bumpy ride from here to get things back to a stable level.
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