A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts!My long-time live-in girlfriend of 10 years keeps saying that she feels trapped in our relationship and doesn't see a way out except for suicide. She says I am controlling and despite my many good qualities we are not compatible and she can't live with me anymore. However, she is unemployed and relies completely on me for financial support. She has been unemployed for a few years and at our age (she is over 50 like me) she feels she will never get another job. I make a pretty healthy income and she said that she knows she would have to go on public assistance if she was on her own and her lifestyle would take a big hit. On the other hand, she says she can't be happy living with me anymore so she feels trapped.She blames me for her moods and her depression. She even blames my house, saying that the neighbors, the landscaping, and even the street noise affect her and that she needs to leave. She says she doesn't see a way out of this. She has bad relationships with her parents and her sister and she has alienated all of the friends she had when I met her for one reason or another. She blames me for that, too, saying that I didn't like them or that she was embarrassed to introduce them to me. The truth is that she "ghosted" most of them over petty slights both real and imagined. What it means is that she has no emotional support network or anyone she can talk to other than her sister and they aren't close at all. Their relationship is very strained. When I tell her she needs to just go out and meet people, stop staying inside with her own dark thoughts, and seek help for her depression she tells me she doesn't want to be on meds and that being out of the house won't help her because she will just come back to it (and me) at the end of the day. I told her "baby steps" and that if she needs to ultimately leave that's fine but maybe meanwhile she will meet some new friends to talk to and she said she doesn't see a point to that.I really don't know what else to do. I am hurt and angry at her. We aren't intimate anymore. We sleep in separate bedrooms. I pay all of her expenses, which is one reason why she says she feels like she has no control since she basically has to ask me for anything. She says she knows I resent that which she says just makes her feel worse. Whatever becomes of this relationship, I can see how anguished she is and I don't want her to hurt herself. However, I'm not really sure what to do when she says that I am the cause of all her problems. I am sure I contribute but to me it's got to be deeper than that. I don't understand her mindset at all. I'd much rather be living a lower class lifestyle and alive than kill myself over it. However, to her she really thinks that would be an escape.I am scared for her when she talks like this. When I ask her what I can do she says there is nothing I can do and she just needs to leave "one way or another." I am emotionally drained dealing with all this and it is taking a toll on me. I know I am not to blame for her depression, but she keeps telling me it's partially my fault (and also partially the fault of her parents). She said abuse by her parents and our incompatibility have made her how she is and she can see the solution is to leave but now she can't so she feels hopeless.What can I do to help her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2022): If she says that the only way out is to kill herself and it's all your fault then I think you could remind her to take a reality check.You provide for her and she would rather be dead than seek public assistance.I guess she must look down on those less fortunate than herself and this is in fact not uncommon.What you need to clarify is whether she is just venting or not so I suggest you get her to fix up an appointment for herself to see a doctor.Also you could suggest she looks at alternative affordable housing.I am assuming you are not married or you would be picking up the phone and contacting a solicitor about a divorce.So when she tells you she's had enough and wants out of the relationship you could just say : ok you go your way and I'll go mine!Then you order a take-away pizza and start eating.When she wants her share you tell her...no, darling, you made it clear we're doing our own thing.She will get angry and I think it would be good to offer her reconciliation by offering her pizza.I doubt if any annoyed woman would actually be prepared to drop all their grudges for a slice of pizza and I also doubt that a grown woman would kill herself over a slice of pizza!Or you reverse it and say: Let's forget our troubles for a while and order pizza and watch a film together!Make it clear that it's just pizza and not pizza + sex on a plate.I can't see how she could want to kill herself over pizza and a film!If she goes off the deep end then you must tell her to handle her depression by seeing her doctor for meds.People do bizarre things sometimes like expecting a non married partner to separate while giving them half of their income and that never happens.If you said to her: Let's get married then would that solve the problem?Would she get annoyed at the suggestion or jump at the chance of financial security.Would she want to get back in bed with you or is she over the relationship entirelyI feel that deep down you are asking for sympathy because you are unhappy with life as it stands so maybe you need to discuss how she should start looking for a new roof over her head because she is still young enough to have quite a lot of life left.Once she has a new flat or dwelling place she will find a way to survive without your financial assistance.Also let her read the answers to your joint dilemma so that you both have a starting point to continue the rest of your lives separately, maybe as friends, maybe as exes, maybe without much further contact.You have no duty to support her if you are not married to each other.In fact if you do continue to support her it makes it difficult for her to seek proper financial help.There is definitely more to this problem than has been explained and it is difficult to assess what the missing information is.No one wants a relationship to end in a body bag so you need to be clear about your expectations of how you both intend to finalise your separation decently.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2022): P.S.
We can only assume your partner suffers from mental-illness; you didn't indicate that she has been clinically-diagnosed. All we have for now is anecdotal-evidence; and the fact you suspect there's something wrong.
The anonymous female reader gave a very intriguing and compelling explanation of what your girlfriend could be going through; but it could also result from PTSD caused by psychological-injury or long-term emotional-abuse. You don't have to be cause; but you still might be a contributor.
Until a mental-health professional has clinically evaluated the state of her mental-health; you have to be careful not to gaslight her into thinking she is mentally-ill, if she is not. Making her believe there has to be something wrong with her for wanting to leave you.
There are two-sides to this story, and we only get yours. She must also be given some reasonable benefit of the doubt, we have no right to make a remote diagnosis, or draw conclusions about her; based on someone's one-sided story. No offense is intended here, dear sir. I have to be honest and fair.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2022): Contact your local Department of Social Services; so she can be assigned to a social-worker. If there is a specific number for mental-health issues; she needs to get herself signed-up; and apply for assistance, health insurance, and treatment. People with mental-health disorder don't make good judgement-calls. They don't want pills, they don't want to go to therapy, they don't want to talk to a therapist. They just make life hell for everyone around them. They are not in a state of mind to realize that, or to care.
You have to be compassionate; but there is a place to draw the line, when dealing with the stubborn or obstinate.
Well, she says you make her feel trapped, and listed all sorts of reasons why she needs to leave you. She has no place to go, and insists she has to leave; which makes suspected mental-disorder all the more probable. She laid it out for you exactly why she wants out. I don't know what's true and what's imaginary; but she was pretty specific. It couldn't be anymore lucid than that. She's obviously not at a loss for words.
What does she want you to do? Get her her own place, and foot the entire bill? I don't think that's feasible. Better let social services deal with that.
You need to find yourself a hotline like SAMSHA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) at (800) 663-4357. They are a national treatment and referral information service.
She has no friends; and doesn't get along with her family, or you. That's how people end-up homeless and on the street. If she wants to go, she has to have someplace to go. Call the number above and get some information.
She may have to live in a homeless shelter for awhile. If that makes her feel better, you will have to put your own concerns and feelings aside. We don't know how legit her complaints about you are; but if they're imaginary, it's best that you find her some help as your final act of kindness. Then you'll have to let her take charge of her own fate. You have no other choice. She'll likely leave on her own, if you won't let her go. If she does, don't stop her. Don't make anything she says about you true. Just let her leave. Until she is legally proven mentally-incompetent; you have no right to hold her against her will. If you wish to give her temporary financial-support, that's up to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2022): If you still love her and she still loves you, there is a chance to salvage this relationship. She needs to go to therapy (perhaps her condition - depression and anxiety - needs to be officially diagnosed, and maybe needs medication, and weekly therapy to help her cope with her problems and find better balance in her life) and work through her own personal issues which may have nothing to do with you. BUT having said that, do not think you do not have any responsibilities or something you can do to make the relationship better. There are two people in a relationship so therefore both people must be willing to put in the work for the sake of the team. Please look at yourself in the mirror OP. Don't blame your girlfriend for the problems you both have. Maybe there is something you are doing or not doing to cause her problems? Be honest with yourself. I do not believe relationships have problems because of one person only. It is the contribution of both people in the relationship. Sometimes a partner enables bad behaviour and because they enable it, it continues. Maybe you need to let her know it will no longer be tolerated until she gets help. That might wake her up into finally taking action. Don't worry about her taking her life. She just feels stuck and hopeless and that is why she is saying it. She needs better coping mechanisms. If she really wanted to kill herself, she would have done it by now and she would never have told you she was about to end her life. It is easier to live in denial because it is more comfortable than admitting you have a problem and doing the hard work to make yourself better.
I had depression and anxiety and I alienated everyone in my life, including my boyfriend. It is not a choice. A mental illness just takes over your entire being and you are swallowed up with it. People around us think we do it on purpose but we are hurt in a different way. If someone broke their leg, you would see it and feel bad for them. But mental health issues are not visible to the eye, they slowly and quietly take their toll, without anyone knowing most of the time, except for our partners, who are there with us everyday, and they take the brunt of our suffering. And we don't mean to take it all out on them but we feel helpless. And are trying in vain to get our partner to help us through it, but we don't realize that that is a big burden for our partner. They are not a mental health professional nor are they our therapist. Just know that you are well meaning but she is taking her pain out on you because she wants it to stop and feels bad about herself, ashamed and less than. It has nothing to do with you. Mental illnesses can make us appear selfish and totally self absorbed. That is because we are overcome by this affliction and are feeling helpless and trying to keep our head above water, and turn completely inward. And it just gets easier to keep putting herself down because she is damaged and she feels you will abandon her anyway. It is a self fulfilling prophecy and vicious cycle. Anxiety and depression make us different people. They take away all of our confidence and joy for life, and we just give up. We are afraid and full of fear and doubt, and isolate ourselves from everyone because we feel they don't understand us and what we are going through and they are busy living happily and we can't do that.
What she needs is greater patience, empathy and understanding if you really do love her. I know it is a heavy cross to carry as a "caregiver" but sometimes this is the sacrifice we must make for someone we love, OP. You being her rock may make all the difference. Are you ready to step up to the plate? Take a more aggressive role in getting her help? It all matters on how much you are committed to her. Just remember she is stuck and lost in the black hole of anxiety and depression and needs a strong hand to pull her out of this hellish oblivion. She likely does not mean what she says. It is just a cry for help OP. Walk a mile in her shoes. Hope my perspective has given you something to think about.
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A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84  +, writes (18 February 2022):
Alot of people like to complain but don't want to do anything about changing their lives. Why did you choose to support this woman for 10 years?
Once a woman gives up financial independance to a mate, it's over. You have to be prepared. If you're not prepared then you're stuck and more women have to accept lifetsyles that are unpleaseant because they are financlially stuck.
This is of her own doing. There doesn't seem to be any reason for her not to be working. To blame you is the cowards way out. She need to own her decisions and walk away from the relationship. To stay because she has no money to move elsewhere isn't your fault and you shouldn't be putting up with this behaviour in your home. You need to end this relationship and remove her from your homr or she will continue blaming you.
Threatening suicide is a cruel way to manipluate. Let me tell you one thing. If she was to end her life, there is nothing in this world that you could've done to prevent it. My own father took his life so I'm speaking from experience. Do not get sucked into that emotional blackmail of suicide.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2022): Stop looking for ways to help her, she has to start looking for ways to help herself and stop blaming you for everything. She has nothing to do all day so let that be her project, finding hobbies, even if it's watching a certain soap on the tv while she crochets is better than moaning and being unfair on you. You are allowing her to treat you as her whipping post, being a doormat, allowing her to disrespect you. You are allowing her to treat you as if you have no feelings, needs or desires and no rights. If you continue to do this she will lose interest in you totally because you are showing that you do not respect yourself. She has ended up this way because of choices she made, bad ones, along the way. She has to see that and find ways to undo or change the bad things in her life. Don't kid yourself you can be her therapist, you are not qualified or experienced and floundering already, it will get worse if you continue this way.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (18 February 2022):
 I really don't think that there is anything more you can you do help her, you are going to have to resign yourself to the fact that this relationship is over.
You have offered her sound advice, you have told her to seek help, you have told her to get out and about, and she won't do it. I think we can try to help, we can offer people advice but at the end of the day if they are not willing to help themselves and take that first initial step then its never going to happen.
You are not intimate anymore, you sleep in separate bedrooms, and you pay all of the bills, then she blames you for all of her problems.
Have you tried looking for work with her?. Or some work seekers benefit where she at least gets some money in.
Surely she used to have some sort of interest or hobby that she could restart. Is there something you could go along to together, like a walking group for example, getting out in the fresh air and just talking to people.
But like i say, she has to make this first initial step, if she is not willing to do this then unfortunately as i said in the start you are going to resign yourself to the fact that this is over, and you should look at taking steps and advice on where you stand from a legal perspective.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2022): You could help both of you at the same time. Pay for her to get some counseling. Don't try to fix her issues, you likely don't have the training and tools. Pay for it. Get counseling yourself because it is traumatic to be around people threatening suicide. Also, there probably are things you can work on yourself that she has been telling you about.
As far as her being broke and over 50 - no excuse there, the world has many open positions at all education levels. You could give her a window, say as long as she has a job, you'll help her get on her feet, up to 3 months. Takes some time to build up enough cash to get moved in somewhere and youd be doing her a solid. See how she responds. You don't have to be a meal ticket. If you truly care about her, give her this boost to help her to get her independence. Maybe then you guys can reconcile on better terms as friends or who knows. If not, then you end all of this toxicity you're both living in. good luck
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A
female
reader, QueenCupcake +, writes (18 February 2022):
 So, she’s basically just using you as a Sugardaddy. She obviously isn’t attracted to you anymore, she blames you for all of her problems, yet she sponges off of you, and refuses to accept help.
Sorry, this might make me sound harsh, and other agony aunts might not agree with me on this, but I don’t think it’s your problem, I mean, you’ve done all you can and she doesn’t want to help herself. She literally told you she’s only staying with you so that she doesn’t have to rely on public assistance. Well c at this point, since you two’s relationship is practically non-existent, what’s the difference? She’s still relying on you for it anyway. And what are you getting out of all of this? You get no intamacy, no love or affection, no companionship, you’re spending all your money, and your mental health is going downhill and for what?
I understand how you may feel obligated to take care of her, but you need to take care of yourself, too. This relationship sounds toxic
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