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My girlfriend cheated on me, should I take her back?

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 February 2009) 6 Answers - (Newest, 31 May 2010)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, *heloneliness writes:

Dear friends,

I know this is long but please be patient and I thank you for whoever reads my problems and help me out. I am very confused.

I have been with my girlfriend for 9 months now.

ONE: recently, my girlfriend only just told me she made a 'mistake' 5 months ago behind my back, she said she is being honest with me and I should give her credit for being honest telling me. But why did it take her 5 months to only tell me now? Because she knew I love her to bits she was too scared to hurt my feelings. I find it too hard to believe as I only took it as joke, but when I rang her after hearing this via MSN, i asked whether it was all true, she started crying, couldnt speak and hung up.

Should I be giving her a chance? I can't get the picture out of my head.

She went away with 8 of her female friends and stayed at this hotel. A group of guys were on their stag night already and they spoke to my girlfriend and her friends and then left the scene. Later the evening the guys were still there...they all had a drink together. The main stag doo guy was hitting on my girlfriend. (why the fuk does he do it knowing he is getting married the week after!!!and why on my GF!!) Chatting her up and she told me they kissed and then went to his room and started... but she said it wasn't the full complete thing, she stopped it within a couple of seconds because she realised what she was doing wrong and left the room. OK I love her so much i will have to believe she left within minutes. (not to get me as hurt thinking about it) So she left, later she rang me (as i remember clearly) we spoke as normal, that night I was happy she rang me on her night out, shows I trust her that nothing was going on until I heard the real story.

The thing is she said she wasn't that drunk! i dont understand! if she wasn't and knew what she was doing then why?! why do it then? if they kissed...why didnt she stop it then when she knew what was going to happen when approaching the room!!!

When she told me this news she cried and begged for me and i forgave her the next day and she started to treat me differently (nice and closer), until the following day she asked if i told anyone about this and i stupidly answered yes, to one of my best friend and she flipped and turned things around and she trusted me and i should never share these confidential privacy out to anyone at all! but i was very down and upset i needed someone to talk to and only my best friend was there for me. i couldnt cope i want to die!

When I found out this news i was devastated. I asked why did you do it? why did u cheat and hurt me? she said she was going through a lot... we dated in June, she was supposed to get married in the beginning of sept with her ex-boyfriend but she cancelled the wedding because to be with me. We both had another partner when we met (surprising, 6 years on each side) but we left them to be together. I understand she sacrificed her wedding for me, i also sacrificed my ex for her. but does it give her an excuse?

she then went to her 'supposed' 2 weeks honeymoon with this ex-boyfriend because everything has already been paid for and she has always been craving to have a sunny holiday, despite him being there or not. so she decided to go in the end. just after the first week had gone she paid a lot of money to get a flight back to see me as she felt very uncomfortable over there with him. I trust her nothing had happened when she was over there with him. she has assured me.

I have only brought this past up so that you have an understanding for both side of the story, i don't want you to think bias. Don't get me wrong I have done so much for my girlfriend. She means the world to me! I can't live without her and she knows it all. I always plan special arrangements for her on special occasions etc. Shes hit my number one spot and I have fell out with my parents because of her.

TWO: Beside this, she has also cheated on her ex-boyfriend twice with the same guy in the past and he took her back. I mentioned that she said she learnt her mistakes but WHY do it on me? and she told me that i had no right to talk about the past that wasnt related to me! This GUY who she cheated with has recently been messaging her again (it also happened in xmas) and I am extremely angry! she told me shes not interested in him but finds it rude NOT to message him back!!! She made a promise that she wont talk to him again! I asked to see the messages he's been sending her but she said theres nothing to look at. The following day she left her facebook open (usually she never leaves it logged on but it was logged on)

so i was curious and opened the message up and read it. he messaged her about going out for a meal, whats happened to her phone number (as shes changed her number recently), and asked her to be his valentines! I was fuming! so i raised my voice and spoke to her and asked what the hell was going on! she shouted back and said why am i looking through her private stuff!!! i said yes im sorry but i was curious! and i said i told u not to speak to him ever again and we both knew that all he was after is sex! so why talk to him! was you planning to have a meal with him!? she told me to shut down the computer and answered in smirking way "Did i go out with him in the end? NO!", i said i dont find it funny and she said nor do i. i asked if she gave her new number to him and she said no. it was a massive row, she tried turning it around on me making its like my fault by looking at her inbox! I asked when was she planning to tell me and she said she wasnt. This guy is not on her friends list as she deleted him for me in the past, and she blocked him for good in front of my eyes that day!

that night i couldnt sleep so i grabbed her phone and took it downstairs and check if there was anything going on. i know this was a big risk! but i really wanted to know. i found one un-named phone number saying "hey its me" with a smiley face. I got paranoid to guess it was that guy who keeps messaging her so i copied the number to my phone and will find out who it is.

I am extremely paranoid! My mind is going to explode. please tell me what I can do?!

I am trying to move on forgetting and i find it difficult, I can but i know it will be hard! we keep trying and trying in this relationship and this time it is final. we both love each other but sometimes i feel she plays with my mind. we made a new promise which is not to hurt each other again and never to bring the past up. I am the type who always think about the pass and I know its a bad thing but i am learning not to anymore. I need help. I am stuck and confused. this girl means the world to me and Ive done so much for her. I always sit around and wait for her to sms/call me whenever she is ready to meet up. i love her so so much that i can still see my future with her settling down.

I am an emotional individual person. I believe in true love. We have been through so much together. so many powerful meanings we had together its unbelievable to even tell anyone because they wouldnt believe it. i believe in fate after what we experienced together.

I am willing to give her a chance and as we promised to rebuild our trust again.

please tell me if i am doing the right thing?

is it true once a cheater always a cheater? because some people should be given a chance right?

View related questions: best friend, cheated on me, drunk, facebook, her ex, money, move on, msn, my ex, stag , wedding

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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010):

Hey man i have been dating this girl for 9 months! we tell each other how much we love each other and how we are going to have a family. i creep her like you do because i cant help my self obviously we both dont trust them. she cheated on me with this guy and it took her 3 weeks to tell me she said she is sorry and i decided to take a break. take a break with her and as soon as you guys get in a fight you need to leave her and become a man become the "fucker no the sucker" trust me you need to show her what she has by leaving her, do not take her back and later on you will start about thinking of murdering people i have like 7 times. main point leave her and get over her you're life will be better

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009):

dude same thing happnd to me. she cheated on me at a party twice and sum other stuff. she lied about it till 5 months l8r. i feel heartbroken and its killng me

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009):

Take it from me, a man who has been down this road before. No matter how hot she is... No matter how good the make-up sex is... No matter what she promises you... this cheating will never, never end. The decision is not whether you should trust her again. The decision is whether you are the kind of man who enjoys playing this role. If you are, then by all means, continue the relationship. If you think you are going crazy now, just wait. In two years your mouth will taste like metal and you will have murderous thoughts going through your mind. She doesn't care if you're suffering, and why should she? Think about it. She is a CHEATER! But you can't control or understand who she is. The pain you're feeling is going to provide you with an opportunity for enlightenment! The farther down this path you go the more powerful your enlightenment. The question is only this: How much pain can you take before you realize that the only person you can master is yourself? You will never master this woman. She wants you to think she can be mastered, but she cannot; and it is too bad for her, because she will never find that deep sense of happiness and peace that can only come by submitting to monogamy, as you have so obviously done. Be your own Master. Quit your addictions. Start writing that book. Whatever you have been putting off... start it today. This stupid relationship is simply you procrastinating on becoming the man you're really supposed to be. You might not see it now; but if you leave this woman and go through the pain of letting her go and facing the terrible truth... things will become clear. Sure, after you split up she'll continue to have fun, get laid, mess with other guys, whatever; and you'll be lonely trying to find women and not getting laid (at least for a while)... but that's not so different from what you're experiencing right now. So get out of the relationship. Embrace being single and find a woman who is full of admiration, respect, and praise for YOU. If you leave her, this is how it will play out: Six months later, she'll have another guy and she'll be calling you to come over and fuck her. Now you'll be the fucker instead of the sucker. Right now you're the sucker. Get out of that position. Let some other sap be the sucker.

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A male reader, MilitaryPapi United States +, writes (17 February 2009):

Your story sounds almost like mine. My girlfriend cheated on my back in Sept 08, and ask me to forgive her. I am in the military and my area of work as a spec op requires me to be gone for some time. Anyhow I told her that I forgive her, but it is hard as I know your feeling too. I told her that I wish she would have told me then if she love me as she says she does. She mention she worried about my reactions when in fact she knows I am a calm person and felt that giving me that mush respect of knowing at least a month after wards than a few months after wards as if nothing is wrong or her holding secerts

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (17 February 2009):

rcn agony auntI want you to know I don't candy coat or beat around the bush. She cheated before, then does so on you. WHY? When you look at this, it's not about you, what you've done or not done. It's about what's going on with, or has happened to her.

One major issue I see here is the "anti-social" behavior characteristics. Not taking responsibility for her action, trying to justify her reasoning, thinking she should be praised for telling you and turning her actions around on you.

You can't at all be blamed for her behavior, nor do you have to accept being treated this way. If she's not interested in a relationship where she's not playing around on the side, let her go. You say you love her, and that's fine, but you also need to set boundaries with what behavior your willing to accept and what you are not.

There are cheaters who have stopped and "matured". It doesn't always happen. Some people don't stop. It depends on her level of commitment and willingness to change that will determine if you continue getting hurt or not.

What you don't want to do, if given another chance, is to accept this behavior as being okay. If it happens again, you may have to let her go. Not because you don't love her, but because you respect yourself enough to not allow others to mistreat you.

I recommend for her to seek counseling. I believe there may be issues underlying this behavior which she may need the professional assistance to overcome.

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A male reader, The old Man? United States +, writes (17 February 2009):

The old Man? agony auntI agree with putguy entirely!

I do not carry the opinion of once a cheat, always a cheat.

However. I do follow the rule of if you meet them cheating, you'll lose them cheating!

You say that she learned her lesson, apparently not! It sounds as though you jump through hoops to please her, and she walks all over you. For her to get angry at you for talking to a friend, is her means of controlling you. She wants treat you however way she wants, and for you to suppress your feelings.

I'd walk away, and not look back!

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