A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend, let’s call her Laura, who I have known since we were 4 years old. She is a lovely person, but is also a people pleaser to the extent that she lets others completely walk all over her on a regular basis. She lets people treat her however they like, which is often badly, while she continues to make a huge effort to please them. She is always coming to me with stories of people letting her down or treating her badly and telling me how upset she gets about it, yet she never says anything to them or does anything about it. Over the years I have tried to gently encourage her to stand up for herself a bit more, as it’s always been my experience that people will get away with what you let them get away with, but to be honest it is a bit of a waste of words as she thinks she needs to be super nice and agreeable for people to like her (she has admitted this). So basically unless she decides to work on this she will stay the way she is.Anyway, about 3 months ago she became friends with a new girl that she works with, I’ll call her Emily. I have met Emily several times and she seems very friendly and good fun, but she also has a lot of psychological issues (again something she has admitted herself) and she is very needy. She says all of her friends from school, college, uni and work ditched her so she has no friends at all now, and she is always telling Laura that she knows they won’t be friends for long because Laura will get sick of her like everyone else has. I am always a bit cautious around this type of behaviour, having lived at university with a very similar person, but Laura has completely thrown herself into this friendship and is now spending most nights with Emily ‘helping’ her with her issues and trying to cheer her up. She stays at hers 5 nights out of 7 and they will talk for hours about Emily’s feelings, fears and ‘bad dreams’ (they sleep in the same bed when she stays). Laura now invites her everywhere with us, and if Emily needs her she will drop everything and drive the 30 mins to her house to be with her. To me she is giving Emily exactly what she wants here, as a lot of it seems like classic attention seeking behaviour, but I have so far left her to get on with it in the hope she will get tired of dealing with someone else’s problems day after day.The problem I have now is Laura wants to bring Emily on holiday with us at the end of August. She said if she doesn’t invite her then Emily will think she is abandoning her like all of her other friends have. However I am really not happy with this. I know she has problems, but I think she needs a lot more help than Laura can provide. I also don’t want to be left on my own (it is just meant to be the two of us going on holiday, but on nights out Emily always needs to talk to Laura ‘in private’ about something) or to have my holiday to be dominated by someone else’s problems, as selfish as that sounds. I have told Laura that I am not really comfortable with it, but now Emily thinks I am trying to turn Laura against her and Laura seems to agree with this and thinks I am being harsh and uncaring. Laura’s Mum has also expressed concern about their relationship, but Laura thinks she is being mean and is now barely on speaking terms with her Mum because of it. Can anyone advise what I should do here? I don’t want to lose Laura after 22 years of friendship, but I feel if I really push this holiday thing that’s what will happen. It has also occurred to me that I might be overreacting as I admit I’m a bit offended that Laura has stopped all contact with me in favour of Emily, and when we do see each other now Emily is there too. Please tell me if you think this is the case.Any advice will be greatly appreciated and taken on board. Thanks
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 June 2012):
 What ? A clandestine hotel guest ? That settles it for you, tell Laura that no way you are going to get along with this ridicolous plan. I don't even know if that would be legal in the place where you are going ( in my country it would not be, all hotel guests MUST register themselves at the front desk, the hotel management would be furious for having risked their licence because of Emily and would call the police ). Even if they don't , the hotel would kick you out in zero seconds if they catch you- and even if they don't, you'd be spending the whole vacation worried about " what if ".
This is just insane, tell Laura she can pout as much as she wants, but she needs to grow up and stick to the originary program.
On second thought, if I were you, after the vacation I'd also ditch Laura with no regrets , she sounds like a total ball-and- chain around your ankle. I do not doubt that she was a lovely playmate when she was 4 or 6.. but you know, some times people grow in different directions, take different paths, and we profit more from letting them go .than from keeping them in our life at all costs just because we shared great times in the past.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2012): Tell Laura, that in no uncertain terms that Emily cant come. You dont want to be thrown out your hotel because shes staying there without permision. You would have to get another hotel at extra cost or try to get a flight home at extra cost to you if she were found out. It wouldnt be just a slap on wrist by management. The holiday rep would be involved and you could be banned for life using that holiday company and their associates. Does she really want to risk it? If so let her get on with it but ask her for your expenses and tell her to get money back from emily as you wont be going on holiday any more if she insists emilys to come. You would be constantly playing cloak and dagger sneaking about the hotel. Not my idea of a fun holiday.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2012): I was in a similar position as you. I let the other girl come. It wasnt the best hol but wasnt the worst either. My friend listened to other girls lies and i cut my self off from a whole group who got involved with her new friend, cos they thought she was great fun. To their detriment cause the new girl even started a fight at a party, with lies she told about the who group she was a master in manipulation. I was glad i backed off and let them eventually see her for what she was. New girl got ditched and i eventual got back in touch when they offered an olive branch. However i do things that i want to do now and dont say yes to their every plan and they accept it and know that the friendship is not as close because of what they done. Do whats right for you and stick to it. If laura picks emily leave her be, she will learn the hard way and so be it. You are not her saviour, let her make her own choices how ever painful they may be..
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2012): I am now 54 years old, and here to tell you that any vacation that I have ever been on with 3 females ended up with hurt feelings and resentment. Don't know why. The ones with 2 or four women, we had a great time. I would never go on a trip with 3 women again. 2 men 1 woman, 2 women 1 man, 4 women, etc. but not 3 women. Not sure why that is. Hard enough to get 2 people to agree on where to go, what to eat, etc. Is it possible another friend could take her place if she won't honor your original plans? Vacations are supposed to be relaxing, doggone it, and if you give in, something tells me relaxing will not be one the words you use to describe your vacation.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (21 June 2012):
 Going on a holiday with out Emily doesn't mean that she is "ditching" her. It just means she went on a vacation without her.
Seriously, Laura needs to take a step back and look at this friendship with Emily. You can't have a pity-friendship.
Personally, though, If you don't want her to go, be honest about it.
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A
female
reader, mooh  +, writes (20 June 2012):
You know how the dynamics between the two work so i think you would be in for some not so fun holidays if Emily tagged along. With such an attention seeking behavior, Emily will also maybe try to turn this in a competition with you for Laura's attention.
Stick to your grounds, the holidays was just supposed to be for you and Laura. you could even mention to Laura that you want to spend quality time with her and not anyone else.
Is there still the possibility to get refunds if you have already paid some items of the holidays? If i were you, I wouldn't go on holidays if Laura absolutely wants to bring Emily along, but if Laura insists on Emily coming and you dont want to cancel the trip, what about if you also bring someone along as well?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone! You are all totally right when you say Laura is an enabler/codependent. I mean she's always been like that but obviously hasn't met anyone who feeds off it as much as Emily does so it's never been as much of an issue before. Laura has really low self esteem too, and I think she's getting a lot out of feeling like she's needed.Anyway, I think I have pretty much decided I am not going to agree to Emily coming with us regardless of what pressure they both put on me. Aside from the original issues, things are pretty awkward between me and Emily now since I said I didn't want her to go so I know I wouldn't enjoy myself if she was there. Unfortunately the holiday was booked in January so cancelling means we will lose our money. However (I forgot to mention this earlier too) Emily wants to book a flight and stay in our hotel on the sly because she can't afford to pay for a full holiday, so they really need me to agree to that before she can come along (I actually think it is a bit cheeky of them both to suggest this but that's not really the point). Laura will probably be really upset with me, but at the same time I've told her I'm upset about the whole thing too and it doesn't seem to have made any difference to her decision. I'll just need to prepare myself for the fall out and hope for the best.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (20 June 2012):
You’re in a horrible situation, but you need to be tough and stick to your guns on this one. It’s likely that Emily is ineeed a classic attension-seeker, I think you’ve got a pretty sound understanding of the kind of person she is. It may be a cliché, but they do say that you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. Maybe Laura needs to realise how much she stands to lose by continuing to indulge Emily’s every whim. Why should you have to go on holiday with some-one you barely know? Certainly if you’ve not booked anything yet, don’t! Laura may have to learn the hard way: her mother is barely speaking to her, and a friendship that she’s had for most of her life is now under serious strain. You should be firm and explain to her that you do not know Emily well enough to feel comfortable spending a holiday with her, and therefore that you will not go on holiday with her. Explain also that you are concerned that Emily is either taking advantage, or needs more help than Laura can give, and whilst it’s great that she tries to be kind, it’s not her job to save this girl. She can’t say “how high” every time Emily asks her to jump. Of course she might get upset by this, but tell her that you’ll always offer the hand of friendship and keep that door open. Sometimes you can tell some-one something until you’re blue in the face. It’s clear from your post that Laura needs to get a lot tougher and not allow herself to be walked over, but it sounds like that’s something she’ll have to figure out on her own. Yes, Laura can’t save Emily, but sadly you can’t save Laura either, you can just give advice and remember that being a true friend sometimes means telling your friends what they don’t want them to hear, and showing tough love.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 June 2012):
 I too think you have to stick to your guns...
Tell Laura that you are sorry but your plans are firm and YOU NEED them to stay that way. Tell her it's not a reflection on her or Emily but your plans need to be what they were for YOUR comfort level. IF Laura can't cope with that, oh well.
Personally Emily is going to have to learn that friends have to have their own life too... and this would be a GREAT chance for Laura to teach Emily that when friends go away if you let them, they will come back....
Laura sounds like she's a bit co-dependent and that Emily feeds right into that need...
You may risk losing Laura as a friend at least for a while but I can tell you that I had a friend as a teen and we lost track for many years and now we are back to being friendly although not nearly as close as we were...
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 June 2012):
 What a situation.... an "enabler" best friend who has found another (woman) who is clingy and needy..... A recipe for them to stew together whilest a "typical" woman - such as yourself - gets to view the stewing "from the outside, looking in."
Why not simply cancel the holiday? ... AND the two "friendships"?????
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (20 June 2012):
 Sadly it seems you only have two choices, invite Emily along on your holiday, knowing you are probably going to be playing third wheel while they do their thing together, or stick to your guns and lose Laura as a friend.
I think I'd be telling Laura that while you can understand she may miss Emily dreadfully during the time you would be away you would really appreciate the opportunity of spending some quality time together, if she doesn't get it, wish her a holiday with Laura and cancel your ticket, unless you can find somebody else to travel with.
It sounds to me Emily is a master manipulator, and I think regardless of what you decide to do, Emily is going to get exactly what she wants, Laura all to herself.
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