A
male
age
51-59,
*olfdog
writes:I am a 44 year old man and have a 34 year olf friend. He recently me my niece through me and had sex with her now she pregnant. She is 19 and very immature and unprepared for the real world. her father, (my brother) doesn't care and her mother thinks its cool. I am however upset. I think my friend ruin her young life and disrespected our friendship by sleeping with my niece, and getting hre pregnant. What do you think. Should I be mad at my friend and drop him?
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (16 September 2015):
Look at it this way...
Who made you the parent? Your feelings are your own, not theirs.
Would you be happier if she had sex with some guy you do not know, and he does not want to take responsibility? Or would it be better if even she did not know who the father was?
If she is immature as you say. Then you know who he is, and can make sure both of them do a good job raising the child.
What has happened has happened. You getting mad or dropping him is not going to make the pregnancy go away and reset everything. As long as the baby is healthy and they are good parents...everything else is pointless.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 September 2015):
 And if he does shirk his parental responsibilities then make sure he is legally and financially dealt with so that the child doesn't suffer as a result of grownups acting badly.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 September 2015):
If you drop him, doesn't that just estrange you from the father of your niece's baby? How would that help the situation?
Obviously you don't agree with his choice nor your niece's choice; however, they are both adults and responsible for themselves.
If you want to be a good uncle to your niece as you seem to think she's not ready for all that motherhood is about to entail, I would make sure your friend fulfills his financial and parental obligations to his child. If that means keeping track of his whereabouts and helping her get the child support that she will need, then do so.
I would feel free to express your opinion on his responsibilities and obligations toward your niece and their baby. And I might also feel free to express disappointment that he showed such poor judgement. You might even express that you feel he disrespected your friendship but again, that horse is out of the barn.
What is best for the baby should be at the top of everyone's priority list, and that means doing what is best for your niece until she's capable of standing on her own two feet as a full-fledged adult.
So basically I guess I'm suggesting you put your hurt feelings about the friendship to one side and do what's best for the innocent baby.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 September 2015):
 This is a tough one. You are justified in how you feel. It feels like this guy took advantage of your friendship and acted like a total cad with this girl, and you're absolutely right.
The only thing I have to say on this is - she's 19, making her NOT underage, but an adult. It doesn't sound like he raped her, so she must own 50% of this. It's not all on your friend. I'd feel differently had she been underage, and then I'd be screaming for you to call the cops on him.
Having said that, I bet you blame yourself a bit on this one. You were friends with a guy who apparently doesn't know how to use a condom or practice safe sex, and that he treated your relative like a fox treats the chickens in the henhouse.
Rather than just drop him and have nothing to do with him, you need to hold his feet to the fire to be responsible financially and personally for this life he helped to create. Many times, deadbeat dads will use the "Relatives rejected me and pushed me away" excuse not to do the right thing. So if you're feeling angry and guilty, channel that into holding him accountable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2015): I think it's up to her parents and your niece to figure out what needs to be done about your friend. I'm sure he is aware of your justified disgust with him. He must make a decent living, and her parents know they can seek legal avenues to make him honor any obligation he has to your niece, as far as the pregnancy goes. There's no way out.
You shouldn't alienate the man who fathered a child with your niece; if he is in-fact the biological father. If he steps up to his responsibilities; then there is no reason for you to cause any conflict, as far as the others go.
You can disassociate as a matter personal principle; but don't give him any reason to run out on his financial responsibilities for fathering that child. Odd as it all seems, that no one is upset but you; I'd say you may as well welcome an addition to the family. Like it or not.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 September 2015):
 PS. How would it make anything better to cut out your friend, now that he is going to be family? If your niece carries out the pregnancy, that is, he will be the father, and will be involved in the child's life, hopefully. Cutting contact with him will only make matters worse and cause drama where it isn't needed. If there's going to be a baby in the house, it's GOOD to keep him around and involved, and taking responsibility.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (15 September 2015):
I get that you are mad. As a friend of his, and as an aunt, you have every right to be upset, both at him AND at her. While you may find her immature and unprepared (and she might be both) your friend is LIKEWISE immature and unprepared, as he neither knew the point of using a condom. They're both just as immature and unprepared for the realities of the world. But now they will learn.
You don't own your friends. Nor do you control the actions of a 19 year old. Their actions are ON THEM, not on you. Just because they met through you, doesn't mean you are responsible for their actions. They are both adults, and both responsible for their own actions. You can be disappointed, but don't go beyond that.
If your niece got herself pregnant at 19, gosh, if it wasn't with your friend it'd have been with some other dude. And if your friend is capable of knocking up 19 year olds.. if it hadn't been your niece, it'd have been some other chick. You just happen to know both parties in this case, but the story would most likely have repeated itself even if they never met.
You can't protect people from their own stupidity, is a wise saying to keep in mind. So they are immature.. now they will grow. Let them. I see no need to cut anyone out, he didn't betray you, nor did he betray your niece. She was consenting, and she knows how babies are made. Be upset and disappointed for a while, then let it go. It's THEIR life, not yours. Time to step back and accept that you can not, and should not, control what other people do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2015): Yes , i think you are the only one having sensible feelings on this matter.
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