A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, a few nights ago my fiance's ex boyfriend called her out of the blue crying that his dad left his mom and everything. She talked for about 30 minutes trying to comfort him. This really bothered me. I've been known to have trust issues because I've been cheated on in the past. I'm not really afraid of her cheating on me because he lives on the other side of the country, but also we're two months away from getting married and I really don't want him in the picture any more. We have had fights in the past about him. That night he called we got in a small argument where I was reassured that I was the only one she wants. But still it bothered me. She has talked online with him since then. I just don't want it to become a thing now, but I don't want to be controlling either. Am I being irrational? I don't really know how to handle this situation.
View related questions:
ex called, fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, you're absolutely right about him and suicide. They both went to college in a place where suicide numbers were extremely high and he didn't do it then. So there's no reason for him to do it now. He just likes the attention and since his dad is gone and his mother is an alcoholic he was just drunk and needing it from someone.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI found out that he was extremely drunk the night he called her. The times when nothing stressing is going on in his life and he's in a good relationship, he keeps his distance. I can understand that he was just at rock bottom and she was the only friend he had to talk to. She wants him to find someone who will straighten him out and that isn't her.
I really have to thank you guys for your help.
We had a wonderful date day today and did a lot of special things. This is the girl I plan to marry and no one will compromise that or come between us. She was raised with very good morals on relationships and marriage, which is more than I can say about myself...even though I am a faithful person. I just get irrational.
I shouldn't stress about it unless he calls her freaking out again, which I don't see in the near future. He has said that bringing her back in is painful and doesn't want to do it unless he is sure he can handle it. On the phone he was sorry that he called and interfered with her life. She never makes first contact.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 September 2012):
 I think she kept one call from you since you had not talked and did not know how to approach it without upsetting you.
I'm glad you talked..... ONE thing strikes me.
he's "suicidal" and she feels that she has to befriend him so he does not hurt himself.
the problem is she ended it with him based on his childish behavior. So I am betting that he will use this "suicidal" bs to hold her to him.
she must know that emotional blackmail is very subtle and she is very RIPE for it from this "suicidal" man.
I will tell you now that truly suicidal folks don't threaten it... they just do it... and leave a note.... I just finished a bout of suicidal feelings (due to medication) and trust me NO ONE knew till I was coming out of it and talking about it... my fiance was SHOCKED and he lives with me...
I think that this ex boyfriend could be a problem with this because your girlfriend is kind hearted and yet naive enough to think that if she stops being kind to him as he gloms on to her he will kill himself. He won't... but he will use it to hold her to him.
Perhaps talking to her about that and setting a boundary such as if he keeps that up she will call the police on him saying he is a danger to himself and they will take him to the hospital for evaluation and then she's done all she can do to help him and what he does is NOT her responsibility...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question*UPDATE* So, I had a long talk with her about how I was feeling last night while we were on a walk together. She said that she would tell me of all contact with him- though I'm not sure what to make of it since she's hiding one from the day after the call that I know about. Anyway, she looks at him as a friend and says that she talked to him the same way she would've talked to a girl or any other friend. She also said that I shouldn't worry because she has never said one positive thing about their relationship (which is true). I have only heard negative things because he was essentially a big child that she had to mother and less of a lover. He was and still is suicidal which makes her want to not ignore him because she doesn't want to be the cause of that. As long as she's true I think everything will be fine. More focus will be on us as the wedding gets closer.
...............................
A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (15 September 2012):
If you do not respect her feelings, you will risk driving her away.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm going to try addressing what everyone has said so far. It has been really great advice.She hasn't so much hidden conversations from me in the past so much as just not told me about them - I found out about the later.He seems a little understanding of his boundaries. They didn't talk for 6 months after our engagement, and I'm sure once the wedding gets here he'll back off. He told her I had way more to offer and could make her happier than he could. I'm trying to be a little understanding because he really has no one. They dated for 3 years before we met and she broke up with him only 2 months before we got together. She has assured me "I broke up with him-my feelings don't extend past friendship" When things get bad, she reminds me I'm the one she goes to bed with every night, I'm the one she wants to marry, she has no romantic feelings for him. She original withheld their conversations from me because she knows I over react. I have seen the convos, and they're innocent. Nothing more than catching up on what's new. However, that uncomfortable feeling is still there. I talked to her about how I felt the other night after he called. She was upset because she thought I was over reacting and couldn't understand that it was completely innocent. Who's feelings should be respected here? There is no easy compromise.
...............................
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (14 September 2012):
 I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect him out of the picture, he is an ex. And despite what problems he is going through it shouldn't be your fiance's problem to deal with. If you don't want her in contact with him then they aren't friends, therefore no need to call her as if she were a friend. I would tell her what you told us. You aren't comfortable with it, you aren't afraid she is cheating but you don't like it or the idea of her chatting with an ex on any sort of regular basis. She should respect your feelings and stop. She has spoken to him, he can get on with his problems on his own now or with someone else. She isn't there as his emotional rock anymore, she is about to be a married woman. He needs to move on and find acceptable friends where everyone involved is comfortable.
...............................
A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (14 September 2012):
Most likely, he called your fiance (his ex) because she was familiar with his family situation. If it had been a female friend of hers calling about the same issue, or even a male friend that she had never had a romantic relationship with...would you feel the same?
If you continue to try and control her and who she can talk to simply because you are insecure because others have cheated on you in the past, you are risking your current relationship with a woman who has given you no reason to believe she has or would ever cheat on you. You are basically saying that you don't trust her. The only thing that you believe is keeping her from cheating on you with her ex, is the distance between them. This seems like an irrational fear...something that comes from being heated on in the past.
Before you get married in two months, please book a relationship counselor so you can work through your trust issues. You can go alone or with your fiance. A few counseling sessions should be able to strengthen your relationship and the bond you both share. This will ease your doubts and get your marriage started off on the right foot.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 September 2012):
I cannot improve on what FA said...
she's being kind to a HUMAN in need....
she talks to him online and by phone
she's not asking to see him
she's trying to help him through something very painful... even as an adult your parents splitting up hurts...
she sounds like a gem... don't push her away with irrational jealousy.
if she is up front about all contact with him and keeps you in the loop, I think it's fine that she help him...
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (14 September 2012):
 Looks like she is handling very well. She is not hiding any of the conversations from you. She is following her better instincts to nurture and support her former friend.
You are cautious and you should be aware of all communication between them. That is also good. What is worrying is where you say you don't want this to become a thing.
By thing do you mean you don't want her to talk to him on a regular basis, like weekly or monthly? Or by Thing do you mean that you don't want her to have friends outside of the marriage? Those are two very different things.
Here is how I see it, The ex is not a good choice for a friend, but he is in need now. he should stop contact with her before the marriage. Other friends who are not former lovers should be allowed. She should also expect to make new friends at work or socially when she is married. similar safety rules should be agreed on by both of you, for both of you.
This is part of the transition from single life to committed partners. Much of this should already be in place in your relationship.
FA
...............................
A
female
reader, cgrlygo +, writes (14 September 2012):
 My theory is.... walking down memory lane tends to bring up old feelings... so I have decided in my own life NO exes... your with me. and if they are friends.... no constant communication.
i would sit and talk with her... tell her why your worried.... say hey.... this really makes me upset...and i don't want this communication. how would you feel if i got in contact with some of my exes that made you insecure??? communication is the key... and ground rules ..... they are the way to make any relationship work.
...............................
|
