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My fiancee wants to remain friends with her ex fwb

Tagged as: Dating, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 February 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 21 April 2018)
A male Canada age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Dear aunts and uncles. I'm bothered my fiancee is still in contact with an EXFWB on Facebook.

She told me about him about a year ago, she wanted me to meet him. They were FWB for about a year and a half and ended that relationship about 3 years ago. she says that relationship evolved in a truly platonic friendship. the guy is now married.

I refused to meet the guy. I felt disrespected and hurt just for the fact of being asked to. I don't need to know the guy who used to sleep with my fiancee. past is past. However I brushed it off and moved on.

Now that we are engaged she wants to go out with the guy to catch up on things. they have been in contact only thru FB and haven't meet physically since we met. about a year and a half.

I told her how uncomfortable i was with the situation, how hurt and disrespected I would feel knowing she would hang out with someone she has history with. I said I couldn't live with those feelings and my life with her would be not pleasant with her if she chose to keep in contact with him. I offered to do the same thing.

She was extremely hesitant about it but at the end she agreed to cut off ties with him. However she would have always in the back or her mind that resentful feeling that I made her loose a good friend.

I'm aware that I would be seen before her eyes as insecure and controlling. while I will make him "the forbidden fruit" or at least more appealing.

If I choose to suck it up I know the feeling of been hurt and disrespected will cause me be resentful too.

I came to the idea of meet ourselves en the middle.

She can keep contact on FB or any other way as long as is respectful and not crossing any common sense boundary. She would not meet him in person anymore in life.

In return I will trust her and her common sense blindly. I refuse to watch her or invading her privacy.

I'm totally convinced she is in love with me. She is a wonderful girl and I feel very lucky i met her. I trust her. is just that the situation she put me in is extremely uncomfortable and it goes against my believes and conservative education.

What to do? I truly would appreciate if she could make my life with her easier if she cuts absolutely all ties with him. past is past. exes are exes for a reason. he is past and I'm future. What should I do?

She is a strong Independent woman, Financially stable and same age as me. never been married or had kids.

I run my own business, have my thing together and I believe in gender equality.

View related questions: engaged, facebook, fiance, her ex, insecure

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2018):

Original poster here,

There's a couple of things I was wrong in my last post. She was in contact with him with my knowledge. I just didn't know the extent of the relationship.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2018):

Hi. This is the original poster. Its been long. I hope you can still give me some insight.

Update: I started to get counselling. I met her in the middle as I posted initially. Turns out I was fighting the wrong front. She had another ex FWB which I knew but she assured me it was nothing. Long story short she had been in contact with him all the time without my knowledge. When I confronted she clearly felt shaken and cried so bad. She gave me tens of justifications for hidding their relationship and expectations of him wanting her again. She contraindicated herself constantly. She agreed to have closure and let go. I was fine with that. Today she said she would have a problem if she couldn't be friends with exe's. We argued and she finally made clear to me she chose her ego and him over my love. I told her to made her mind up about what she whants or prefer and I called off the engagement. What do you think?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2018):

My dear, you're just a little naive to give her any rope at all.

This guy needs to go and stay gone. Your feelings are your feelings. And you are not wrong in this case. Not one bit.

There is no reason on earth a woman, especially married or soon to be, needs to keep in touch with a former fuck buddy. To complicate matters, he is married. Which puts him in the prime position of possibly needing the services of a FWB once again when his marriage becomes full and routine. Nothing easier or more convenient than the devil you know.

Ask your fiance how she would feel if you kept in touch with a female friend you used to have sex with for a couple of years. Ask her if she would like the idea of meeting her face to face. How awful a feeling to see the two of you together and imagining you having sex. That's torture! For her to expect you to be ok with that is insensitive, thoughtless and selfish of her.

I think she likes the ego boost and keeping him there just in case. Which tells me she ain't into you as much as you think. She may have other reasons for saying yes to your proposal. And maybe true love isn't one of them.

When you love somebody you would never introduce threats into a relationship. And if your partner is not ok with something, you don't do it. Period. This is not controlling. It is helping your partner feel safe. And this is a very reasonable demand. If is. Of controlling at all. If is perfectly rational and something most people would feel uncomfortable with.

As for what Garbo said, females are allowed to have FWB if they so choose, just like men are. It doesn't make us cheap or not worthy of marriage. That's such a misleading and sexist double standard. Had to mention that.

Her issue is wanting to keep this guy around.

I would be very careful of my choice of future marriage partner going forward if I were you.

Where there is smoke, there is fire....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2018):

Honestly, ignore the previous answer. That person is insecure and probably very lonely and bitter.

Did you know it's a sign of maturity to recognize and honor changes in relationships? People are exes for a reason, yes, but they are also friends for a reason. Completely cutting off someone, even on a super platonic level, just because you dated is shallow, wasteful, and dumb. It's a waste of a potentially wonderful friendship. And isn't that what most people want with their exes? To hopefully be friends?

I have no doubt your fiancée loves you. If you truly believed in her integrity and honesty, this should be a non-issue. And you keep insisting she has to make YOUR life easier, respect YOU, consider YOUR feelings, and everything is about YOU. You're about to get married, so no, it's not all about YOU. It's a two-way street.

Are you just trying to find a problem? It sounds like she already cut ties for your sake, so you can be happy, at tremendous cost to her. So, what's your problem? Maybe you're feeling guilty because you know you were unreasonable and feel bad about making your fiancée lose a friend? Have you ever considered she's kept this friend because she's not a shallow, sex-obsessed person and she might have trouble making friendships that last? If you can't trust her because of your own insecurities and need to control, then SHE should be the one moving on. You should both look into couple's therapy.

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A male reader, Garbo United States +, writes (4 February 2018):

Garbo agony auntThis depends on whom you ask. As for me, I’d call off the engagement, dump her and move on. She can then have her guy who was banging her and with whom she wants “to catch up”. She’ll have all the time in the world. Notwithstanding that I’d never get engaged with a woman who was in a FWB situation to begin with, but now that you are with one, I’d suggest you get rid of her. I think you will be miserable for rest of your life and that woman isn’t for you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2018):

Perhaps you're a little too insecure, maybe I'm wrong and of course, friends with exes is a tricky area. But if you're 110% sure that she has absolutely no attraction to him whatsoever, then I think being friends with an ex should be ok.

I am still friends with an ex boyfriend, he was much older than me, our relationship broke up a year and a half ago and I can safely say that I'll never go back there again, that ship has long sailed, BUT, he is a very good friend to me still, we meet regularly to discuss work (we work in a similar field) etc. He has helped me with incredibly difficult situations which he had no invlovement in.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that, the attraction is long gone and will never come back, but I value his friendship and respect (most, but not all) of his opinions. He even gives me relationship advice from time to time now!

I enjoy the friendship and that is all it is now and ever will be, we're clear about that.

Your partner's ex is also married, so obviousl that has to be taken into consideration. Sometimes if you really click with a person, it may not work out romantically, but as friendship, or someone to have a laugh or joke with!

Maybe you should actually meet him, you are a grown man after all. Perhaps you should meet him and see how you get on, yes, the past is the past, I agree with you there, but sometimes, it's nice to have certain people in your life who you get on with, even if you're not involved romantically with them anymore.

If you don't have trust in your relationship now, this will cause problems in the future. Also, don't forget to talk to your finace, about your worries and concerns, keep communication opened and honest!

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