A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m so confused. Thank you for listening. I will forever be in your debt for those that take the time to swift through the emotions Yeah I broke up with my gf after 9 years, I moved out prior to lockdown due to mental health reasons (I had an accident) which lead me to have bad mental health. I was in my own shell. She repeatedly told me and I was blind. I broke up with her over a small argument after snapping. We stayed in contact speaking nearly daily. One year later I just found out she met a guy she was speaking to online who is married. She met a handful of times as he lives on other side of the country. When I confronted her she admitted it after pushing her and my life was over. I don’t know why it hurt so much. I regret ever letting her go and I would do anything to have her back. It’s weird because it’s triggered after I found out I’m losing her. She told me she was losing feelings in end of 2019 which ignored, broke up January. She met him few months in and slept with him 4 months later. And has done twice more. I had come across his name before. So I messaged him and his reaction was odd, he was winding me up and was telling me to move on, and saying t’s over between me and her. Than he was reporting our convo back to her. He seemed to know a lot of bad things about me. Little details that I did wrong. My ex freaked out and said we should stop talking. I’m guessing she didn’t want me finding out the details although we were not together. She called me and admitted truth, we both cried so much. Phone call lasted 2 hours. It got too much and we called it a night. Since than me and rhay guy have been firing few messages back and forth and I was getting more info. All this whilst my ex is at work so she couldn’t reply. She was obviously getting harassed by him as she than text me saying she will be taking a step back from the convo as it’s getting too much in regards to me and him talking about her. That was earlier today. Me and him have stopped now as there is nothing to say. If I say to him “does your wife know” he denies anything happened. He has messaged my ex before and I sent a message to his Mrs on Facebook and she said I’m a control freak and she feels sorry for my girlfriend. When I broke up with her, we spoke again and she said it shows my character because I suspect my girlfriend to be cheating with her husband. Well fast forward and I was correct. I was made out to be an outsider , but I was right. I feel like telling her but not sure what that will achieve. This couple live on the other side of the country and someone she met online via a competition/online mobile game on Facebook. He was friends with her during our relationship but I was told it’s jus friendship. I was told by my ex he lives far and is old enough to be her dad. He is 50. She is 26. I’m 30. I’m so confused. She used to say just because I’m single I can’t be looking at other girls online. I thought it was just a break. A long one but I was working on myself improving myself. When I finally got better she was elsewhere. She gave me the signs and I missed them. Now I regret it and would marry her. That was my intention during the breakup but I was saving and building up plans. She thought I was not interested so she tried to move on, what do you guys think? How do we go from here? She won’t meet me yet. It’s currently day 4 since I found out. And my heart is burning. I have never felt pain like this in my life!!!!! Oh boiiii I messed up. I told her all this and given her space so let’s see. How long until i have to move on? Surely 9 years with me all those amazing me memories trips and achievements together account for something compared to 1/2 years with him and only meeting 4 times (probably had sex although she only admitted once when drunk) but because he lives far he would get hotels so. I don’t know full story. He also took her out to same shopping centre. It hurts so bad. I guess that’s why she cried so much. I was her first. She was virgin before and now she has ruined that. It’s hard for me to take? I thought she was mine. Someone please say something to make this pain easier. If I didn’t love her I wouldn’t feel like this. I admit I made mistakes. Those things I earned whilst on break now mean nothing, my new job, business, car whilst she was complaining about me to someone else. I needed more time to settle down and move to place together again after losing a job. I was absent for 2 years although in relationship. So I don’t blame her but why couldn’t she wait if she was to have babies and live forever together. What did he have? What did he do? She has such good morals and rules, how did she end up sleeping with him when he has partner. ??Thank you
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (8 March 2022):
 Unfortunately, OP
Taking a "break" in a relationship usually means that the relationship isn't strong enough to handle what comes your way.
You wrote:" Death of my parents really affected me. I had to move in with my younger sister for a bit whilst she got better. My mind was elsewhere. But when I returned it was different because of the distant created from lack of communication."
In a good wholesome relationship, your PARTNER would have supported you through that loss WITH your sister.
So while there was love, love isn't always enough, OP
If you can find ONE person you love like this, you can find someone else to love down the line. This woman can not be the one for you anymore, she might never been that one for you. That might be hard to accept but that is reality.
CUT all contact. It will help YOU heal faster.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2022): You can't just say : I never stopped loving her!It doesn't give you the right to own her or to tell her what to do!You have to show love, not just claim that you're inner feelings tell you so.She clearly didn't know you hadn't stopped loving her.The kindest thing to do would be to let her go.Or if the two of you have already cried your hearts out and agreed to jump back into bed together with a clean slate then so be it.But don't just assume your partner feels loved by you if you don't demonstrate it as best you can.Some partners are good at showing they're always there for each other.But it doesn't mean that the other partner will always assume they are loved.You have to keep your life going on an agreed pathway, not diverge and then swerve and then slam on the brakes and claim you didn't change at all!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2022): You can hang in OP and wait until the affair runs its course and the old married guy gets tired of her or decides to dump her once she gets too attached or too demanding. Or he feels guilty or feels she is not worth the risk of losing his wife and family. Most married guys don't fall in love with their vulnerable, naïve mistresses. They just like to play for awhile. Your ex will be very disappointed because this married guy who is masquerading as her knight in shining armor, the answer to all her problems, her all encompassing escape and fantasy, is going to turn out to just be an old man with saggy balls who has flaws, imperfections, a wife and tons of other baggage. She just doesn't see any of this YET. Your girlfriend has some serious issues she needs to work through. And you do too. It is best to leave her alone, and focus on your own well being. You cannot stop her from this affair addiction. She can only stop herself, and that will happen when the old guy decides to dump her when he finishes using her. Sad but true.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2022): Thank you for the replies.
Death of my parents really affected me. I had to move in with my younger sister for a bit whilst she got better. My mind was elsewhere. But when I returned it was different because of the distant created from lack of communication. I never stopped loving her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2022): Typo Correction:
"[Your] problem is dealing with the very thought of her being with somebody else...and THAT IS THE ISSUE!!!"
Hey, the person who dumped me was seeing somebody only two months later! A friend of mine vacationing at a 5-star resort, saw them there together; and reported it back to me! Some friend, huh?!! Yes, it hurt me a lot; but I grit my teeth through it, and maintained no-contact. I had no right to say anything to anybody. I didn't stalk on the internet. I kept to myself when I needed peaceful solitude; and hangout with my friends, when I needed comfort, encouragement, and distraction. The love and affection of my family filled-in all the voids. God saved the day, and granted me my peace! I found love again!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2022): Is the motivation behind your sudden wanting to marry this woman pride and jealousy, or is it love?
Your reaction seems more like jealousy and vindictiveness; because you have succumbed to your aggressive impulses, and there is a lot of drama and belligerence. Calling his wife, and getting deeply entangled in all sorts of commotion. When does it end?
Dude, seriously?!!
You really need more time for healing, mental-health counseling, and continued therapy. Otherwise, you would have used better judgement in handling this situation. You would have exercised some reasonable self-control and restraint.
What she does, and who she sees post-breakup, is none of your business; even if something was going-on while you were still together. The mutual-agreement to breakup (regardless of who initiated it) dissolves your emotional-connection and severs all ties. You don't get to retroactively punish her for what she did prior to the break-up. There is no such thing as retroactive admonition for exes! They are now free people! You don't get to chide her "after the fact!" You don't breakup, and continue contacting each-other! That only forms confusion, and perpetuates tensions. It's also a clever/underhanded way of keeping your foot in the door; so you'll maintain your "owner's-rights" and justification to go-off on her, if you think she's seeing somebody before *you're* ready. You don't get to make that call! It's up to her when she wants to see somebody, even if it's a bad-call! It sucks, but such is adult-life!
Don't say you though it was taking a long break. Oh, come-on!!! The following are your own words:
"[I broke up with my gf] after 9 years, I moved out prior to lockdown due to mental health reasons (I had an accident) which lead me to have bad mental health."
You want(ed) to marry her? Why'd you drag your feet for nine long years??? Boy, was she patient!
Your male-ego resents the thought of your "ex" being with another man. Going back and forth with the guy (or his wife) really makes no sense. I will attribute the poor-judgement to your pain and anguish from the breakup; but there's a great deal of immaturity and unjustified aggression behind it as well. The guy and his wife were correct in their advice to you; although they're both shady as all get-out! The pots calling the kettle, as it were!
You don't breakup with somebody, unless you darn well mean it! It's not a joke, and you can't just go back; and undo it when you feel uncomfortable about her seeing somebody else. It doesn't matter whether he's married, or not! You problem is dealing with the very thought of her being with somebody else...and THAT IS THE ISSUE!!! Now all of a sudden you're considering marriage and whatever?!! It took nine years to get there? From a woman's point of view, this is a poop or get-off the pot situation. Sudden freedom is intoxicating, and you may go a little overboard. He caught her at a vulnerable time, when her emotions may have been in turmoil. Perhaps her way of processing her pain, in a destructive way; just as you are!
A reconciliation?!! Marriage?!! Oh, no, no, no!!! Not after the way you've been carrying-on my friend! That kind of adolescent-behavior does not signify or qualify a full-grown man for marriage.
She is rebounding, and on a collision-course with self-destruction; and you're having an emotional melt-down. You two need to get-a-grip!!!
If you two were in your teens, or under 25, I could see this kind of impetuous behavior. You're mature enough to know better! I understand how we get caught-up in our emotions when we're under grief, stress, and pressure; but there is a point you need to pull yourself back, before you're explaining yourself to a police officer. You are harassing the guy and his wife, no matter how much you blame it on being upset. You're the one upset, and they are your targets. You are projecting and scapegoating your jealousy! They are baiting you in, and you're unwittingly going for it!
It's time to go completely no contact. Block, delete from all contacts, ghost! You are acting out of control; and about to get yourself into trouble. She has wisely blocked you. You had better leave those people alone; because they have your angry/threatening messages and calls on record. They are all witnesses, and can collaborate any accusation that you are harassing them all!
I've written my own thoughts and experience in an article:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/when-will-i-finally-get-over-the-breakup.html
I wrote this article for DC back in 2013. I know how you feel; only I got dumped. I read yours, please take a little time and read mine. I'm not unsympathetic to what you're feeling and going through. I can tell you, that you're behaving badly. Marriage is not an option. Your post somewhat indicates that forgiveness would be far too belabored, if it would ever happen.
Jealousy is now the predominating emotion, and a marriage-proposal would be most inappropriate and impulsive!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2022): Just accept that this is life. Things were not going so well for you in your relationship so try to be more realistic.
For so many people it ends like this.
I really don't think you should be hanging onto her list virginity.
She lost it over 8 yrs ago!
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A
female
reader, QueenCupcake +, writes (3 March 2022):
 Your guys’ love lives or any other business for that matter have nothing to do with each other anymore. She can’t be telling you whether you can or can’t see other people, and you can’t be telling her when she can or can’t sleep with other people.
You guys were tied down to each other from a very young age, she probably just wanted to be rebellious. Being in such a serious long-lasting committed relationship at 17 gave her no time to grow up. It was too early for either of you to settle down, and now you guys have a lot of life to catch up on. I agree with honeyPie, and that he probably is just a rebound, but it still doesn’t have anything to do with you anymore. And right now, whilst you’re still struggling with your mental health, keeping her around is definitely not a good idea.
Focus on yourself for a while, on your goals, your dreams, who you want to be, you probably didn’t get to do that when you were in a long committed relationship since the age of 20, or 21
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 March 2022):
First off,
I'm sorry you are hurting.
BUT. You need to stop. And you need to stop talking to your ex, AND whomever she is involved with. IT is NONE of your business anymore. NONE.
You had your chance. In 9 years you NEVER proposed?
Do I think she moved on? No, not really. A married man is a "safe" option. A married man will not be as emotionally invested or have as many expectations as a partner would.
I think HE is her REBOUND. Someone she thought was "safe" and could help her move on.
YOU are behaving totally inappropriately. While I get telling the wife - it's STILL none of your business. You told her out of spite. In hopes, the Married man would drop your GF.
Again, NONE of your business.
"What did he have?"
Probably stability and money to spend on her.
"What did he do?"
Probably offered her a "father figure" at first, then some financial security, and someone to talk to. Someone who would LISTEN. Someone who wasn't dealing with mental health issues, money issues, etc. So, in short, someone STABLE.
And MAYBE he took advantage of her, to a point. Maybe he didn't. She is, however, OLD enough to know what is going on here. She is PARTICIPATING because she WANTS to.
"She has such good morals and rules"
No, she doesn't. She might have HAD those in the past but not anymore. Someone with "good" morals does not jump in bed with a married man. She also has SO little experience that she was probably rather naive about this. Yet, they are HER mistakes to make. HER regrets to live with, later on.
You on the other hand NEED to focus on what is actually important. YOUR mental health, your physical health, and getting back on your feet.
Keeping her around, talking to her, will NOT help you. You NEED to cut her off from contact. You two CAN NOT "just" be friends. It's NOT realistic.
She is not "The one" for you. As much as you want her to be. She isn't.
"She used to say just because I’m single I can’t be looking at other girls online."
She has no say in what you do. You two were over. It's none of her business.
However, YOU need to work on yourself first, not look for her replacement. That will come later WHEN you are ready to date again.
Lastly, you DO sound controlling. Both in reaching out to this guy AND his wife?! You are not her BF anymore, you are NOT her knight in shining armor. Nor are you her Mommy. If she gets into some HOT MESS, that is NOT your problem to fix! It's HER mess to fix.
LEAVE her alone. Wish her well, block and delete her number, CHANGE your own number, Block her on all socials and REMOVE yourself from HER socials. Spend some time with friends and family. Go outside. Exercise. Pick up a hobby. Accept that the relationship is OVER. Time to let go and move on. It might take a while. And that is OK. Because that time you take to move on, you can look back and LEARN from the mistakes you made, so you don't repeat them next time.
She was only 17 when you met. A LITERAL child. She has a LOT of growing up to do. A lot of maturing. Something you can't do for her.
YOU have a lot of growing up to do as well. And a lot of maturing. Maybe next time date someone who is at the same stage in life as you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2022): I'm sorry you're in pain. You need to focus on yourself and your health. Let her go. You were not in a good place and maybe even now you need help and are unable to look at this situation objectively.
She obviously didn't know how to leave you. She did tell you she was losing interest and feelings.
Sleeping with a married man is her life not yours.
If you wanted her so badly, you would have done something to keep her. Now, you're alone and scared that you have lost somebody that had put up with you and tour problems. It will pass if you let it. If not, you will be stuck in the past.
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