A
female
age
41-50,
*ountryaly76
writes:My last Question was in March about the living situation with my ex. Well the relationship could not be repaired and we went our seperate ways shortly after. We are still in contact having a child together, and we are in a legal battle over some property. I am trying to move on with my life, I have come to realize that I havent loved him for a very long time. In June I started seeing a man that I have known for the past 20 years. I actually dated him when I was 18 and he was 21, we were noth very young and i dont really remember why we broke up then. But, that's besides the point. We have been going on dates maybe once or twice an week now and he has talked about wanting to become my boyfriend, which i would like very much, even though i still want to take things very slow. I have told him the situation with my ex and the property dispute and that even though we arent together he is still trying to control what happens in my life. He said that its fine and that he can deal with whatever comes along. I have told my ex about the fact that I want to start dating this guy abd that our child would be around him and that I wanted him to know and that if he felt like it was necessary that we could all sit down togther and let him get to know him. He got so angry, stated that he didnt want any man around his child and that I shouldnt be worried about dating and should just raise my children and wait until they become adults before I date. He threatend taking my child away from me and its not making the battle over property any easier. My question is should i let this happen, should i not consider dating someone now, and wait till they are older.(they are 9 and 4). Or should i break all ties with him over the property and just let him have it, even though it belonged to me before we married and I was stupid enough to put his name on it. He holds the property over my head, says as long as his name is on it im not allowed to have anyone to my house. Should i just try to start my entire life over and give up everything I worked for.Its not like I'm rushing to get married to another man. I just want the opportunity to date him and see if their could be a future there. I just want him to be able to be around my kids because my kids are my life. I dont see any harm in going out to the park or the movies with the kids and him coming along. My ex makes me feel, like im making bad choices on my own. That what he says goes. I'm not sure how to handle this. The guy im seeing has been divorced for 4 years and hasnt dated anyone and now that he wants to date me, he ex wife has also freaked out. They have a daughter together and she is acting similar to my ex. Is this normal for ex's to respond this way. It's like they dont want us but dont want anybody else to have us. any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated.{Mod note: previous questions are:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-be-concerned-that-my-ldr-boyfriend.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/ldr-but-he-is-not-opening-his-world.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-get-him-to-tell-his.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/since-i-no-longer-pay-for-everything-he.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/are-my-trust-issues-the-key-can-i.html
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broke up, divorce, ex-wife, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 September 2014):
You write :
"P.S the way he controls me is by threatening me that he won't make his half of the house payment if I date."
So bring up with you lawyer what you can do about this. My guess is, if he is LIVING there you can have him EVICTED.
Also in all 50 states have statutes against bigamy. In most states, bigamy is a felony. In the following states, bigamy is a misdemeanor. If you live in a state where it's a felony, well, then you got him by the balls.
http://fightbigamy.typepad.com/my_weblog/bigamy_misdemeanor_states/
TALK to your lawyer.
A
female
reader, countryaly76 +, writes (14 September 2014):
countryaly76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the advice. I am following my lawyers advice on the property issue. I have never used my children as leverage. They don't know of anything that me and their father discuss. The reason that I told him about my new guy was that we had agreed that if we ever started dating that we would tell the other, that way if it come to the point involving them in the children's lives that we would be comfortable with the situation. I don't think it would be fair to just up and announce on day that hey this is my new fella and he's going to be around the kids. Or vice versa if he has a new woman in which I'm sure he will have eventually. That way we get to know the other person that will be involved In our child's life. I love my children very much and would protect them always. Even if it did mean staying single. I'm sure I will be able to work this out. Thanks everyone for great advice.. You all are very wonderful people to take time out of your busy lives to help someone.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 September 2014):
 You already have got a lawyer to help you out, so basically you just need to heed his advice in ref. to this situation too and which would be the legal consequences for any given course of action.
Said that, I think that your ex 's bark is worse than his bite, he is just trying to scare you. If he does not meet his half of the payments, you could end up losing your house- but, would not he be losing HIS house too, this way ? Isn't it joint property ?.. ( And anyway, in case you could dis-join this property, you could not count anymore on your ex making any payments toward it, so I suppose you have a plan B ? ) Is he really so dumb that he would cut his nose to spite his face ?...
Oth, I can't quite see what's your rush to have your kids around the new guy- would not it be better ANYWAY to be SURE this relationship " takes " and goes somewhere before having him join the family and being included in your daily routine ?.. You just reconnected in June !, I think most people would feel that having him around the kids, even if probably not harmful per se, it ìs quite unnnecessary. You talk about " eventually ", ( like, one year down the road or so ? ) , but, you'll cross that bridge when you reach there, let's first see if you make it to that mark ( of course , with our best wishes that you WILL make it, and that you may have sorted out the legal intricacies in the meantime ).
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (14 September 2014):
I can not answer the payment issues though I do believe a layer can help you more than any of us could and he should offer some amazing clarity on the matter.
As far as your ex goes, I am somewhat surprised you chose to tell him. You have admitted that your ex is trying to control you by most means necessary so I am wondering why would you tell him about your personal life/your intentions to date. You've already mentioned that you do not intend to introduce your kids to the new man yet...so why tell your ex? Why even mention it to him? Surely you should have seen that he would act this way..? It is as if you are telling him these things just to see what is the worst he can do.
The answers here are very obvious..you don't tell your ex about your personal life. Hopefully, this is a lesson for you to keep these things to yourself. Try to not bring your kids into the middle of your arguments, they should never be used as leverage. If you do or say these things then he will only use the same against you. Unfortunately, you have already opened this can of worms so you can only hope this trend of using the kids as an excuse or leverage ends sooner than later.
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A
female
reader, countryaly76 +, writes (13 September 2014):
countryaly76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think maybe that I need to give a little more information about my ex. We were married but a year into our said marriage I found out it wasn't a legal marriage because he secretly was married to another woman before we got married so he committed bigamy. Found this out after we purchase a home together and I put his name on property I already owned. We had been apart quite some time and I dated once during that a LDR that didn't work out so well. And decided to give my ex a second chance to make out relationship work after he had divorced his other wife. Needless to say it didn't work out and now I do have a Lawyer and the property is considered joint property. We are in a legal battle over that and other bliss together. It's not pretty. As far as the kids go I'm not planning on them meeting the new guy really soon but eventually if things go well I would like them to be able to. All the advice so far is great.P.S the way he controls me is by threatening me that he won't make his half of the house payment if I date.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (13 September 2014):
 If you met him in March 2013 and didn't live together until some time later, and didn't get married, then his case isn't all that strong -- I doubt it would legally qualify as a common-law marriage. Yes find a lawyer. As soon as possible. This guy needs his butt kicked, hard, and a good barracuda lawyer can do it. You need all this resolved as soon as possible so this person can be out of your life. The idea that a one-year LDR can control the next several years of your life is outlandish.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 September 2014):
It's really simple, really.
CONTACT a lawyer.
IF you are married to your "now-ex" and not done with the divorce, I'd advise you wait till the divorce is final to date. If you have a "common law marriage/relationship" I suggest you go over your rights with a lawyer about this too.
As for the property, talk to a lawyer. You put his name on, which means he COULD be entitled to 50%. A lawyer can help sort that out.
As for the kids, your ex can't "take" the kids. That is a ridiculous statement he is using to try and control you.
Should you wait till they are grown? WHY? Should your life END because you two didn't work out? Seriously? I doubt YOUR ex would wait till they are grown to date. However, I'd say (if you are divorced from the ex or never was married) date the new guy for a GOOD 6-12 months before introducing him to the kids. TAKE the time to get to know him and be certain of the relationship before you "play house" with a new man.
As for new guys ex-wife... Some are like that. My husband's ex was. She was downright petty and manipulative towards my husband and myself. She would be a no-show on the days my husband legally had visitations, I refused to allow me to be around the kids (she never met me btw) which I accepted because I wanted my husband to be able to see his kids. Long story short she was a total BITCH - considering that they had been divorced for a good 4-5 years before we even MET, I didn't get her hostility towards me. But who cares?
Your new men needs to set the record straight and if he has to, take her to court if they do NOT have a visitation schedule. I would also suggest that HE doesn't introduce his kids to you just yet. GIVE the relationship some time to be working and be strong before the kids get involved.
So finding a LAWYER should be your first priority.
And NO way would I just give the ex a property to placate him. Heck no!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (13 September 2014):
 You are not going to wait 14 years to date again. I assume you are divorced and the houses are in both of your names. Legally your ex has the right to say who can or can't be in that house, but he can't control what you do in your personal life. You can still date, but your house won't be that venue. He's just trying to threaten you. I think you need to review real estate laws and if need to, ask him to point where does it say if a divorcee dates then he gets to keep the property. It's common to see ex dramas but there are many civil people out there also. You are just unlucky that both sides are acting they still own their exes. Any marriage comes with a risk. I would not say you are giving up everything because the property will belong to your children. It is a nest egg for them. You can still date, but if you want a place to settle down then you have to work hard again with the new guy. I would keep my name on the property. It's always good to have a say in your property because you don't know if there is a crisis in the future. I am not sure if you should introduce kids so soon. You don't know if this is going to be long term, and kids will tell dad what you two would be doing. If not dad would force it out of their mouths. They will feel they are in the middle of this drama. Sure date, but make sure the future is workable with the two of you.
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