A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had an affair with a married man but ended it because it wasn't going anywhere, I ended my marriage and now I'm seperated.Anyway my ex lover started contacting me and I told him that I ended my marriage and moving on with my life,I told him I wasn't willing to share him with his wife and that I wanted a future with him but he said that even though he does love me he can't walk out on his children, he said they will always come first....his children are 17 and 15. My problem now is he is keeps texting me, sending me jewelry and he bought me a iphone...I told him that we can only be friends even though I do love him,....what motives do you think he has? I told him that if I met someone else then I would have to stop all contact with him and he sort of agreed.Do you think he is too emotionally involved with me to lose all contact from me? My head is all mixed up now.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 August 2014):
 Ok, then back to my questions : WHEN in his mind will these kids be all grown up ? 20 ? 25 ? ... and what are you supposed to do in the meantime , ( a good 5, 10 years from now since the youngest is 15 )... play faithful - and secret - Penelope ? Won't that be terribly lonely, boring and humiliating for you ?
What if he is just bullshitting you, and eventually he won't leave his wife ? It's not that you can ever put too much faith in the words of a consumed liar, and this guy has been lying, or at least omitting the truth, to his wife for the last 7 years. So it's far from impossible that he may be telling fibs to you too. 5 years, 10 years... isn't it an awful lot of time to gamble on such a risky bet ?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2014): I know what you are saying Cindy but he isn't the big headed type, he' doesn't think himself "it" he is quite a sensitive fella...as for his children I think when children becomes adults they can handle their parents break up better then if they are kids....only because children still rely on their parents but not so much when they are all grown up.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 August 2014):
Older like what ?- when the youngest comes of age ? when they are both out of college ? when they are both married and have started their own families ?
Children tipically are not thrilled about their parents' divorce, even grown up children. So, he knows that almost inevitably for them it is going to be bad news. When exctly is it in his opinion that they will be old enough to deal with the bad news ? ... How does he set the limit ? what makes,say, a 25 y.i. adult more capable to bear bad news than a 24 y.o adult ?....
And, more importantly, what are you supposed to do in the meantime, for the next 3, or 5, or 15 years ?... keep your life on hold so that you can keep being the dirty little secret of an aging Lothario ? Miss all the chances of a happy , fulfilled, DIGNITOUS life , .. just so that you can smooch a married man on the sly ?...
Awww please. The very idea would be funny if it wasn't so sad. He must really be thinking he's all that , if he thinks he is someone worth waiting indefinitely. And you must think very lowly of yourself, if you think the same.
Tell him to leave you alone and come back when his kids are oòder and he has actually left his wife, i.e. when he's got something to offer you, not just to take.
IF you are still free, you'll take him back.
In the meantme, he's just wasting your time. Don't be a fool and don't let him do that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2014): He said that he wants to be a full time dad to his children , but not stay in his marriage. When they are older and become adults then he would leave his wife...his children are his first priority.
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A
female
reader, jilleke  +, writes (5 August 2014):
Men want to chase. They are like dogs, give a dog a stick and he drops it, throw it and he chases it. Simple really.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): He told me that he had accepted that his wife doesn't want sex anymore which I did find hard to believe, but he said he was torn between his children and me, I guess IV been a complete fool .
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 August 2014):
No, I think he is too lazy, smug and selfish to lose contact with you. He is plying you with gifts to lure you back in a nice casual FWB, ( friends wothout benefits, he's already got them those he is seeing wth his wife, he does not need you for that ) a kind of arrangement that suits him perfectly and he is probably convinced it will take a good while before you find somebody else because YOU are stll too emotionaly involved.
Wake up and smell the coffee. You should not have accepted his costly igifts to begin with ( he is not your husband, your bf, your relative; ; you simply do not accept valuables from random guys , or even from " friends " because that pits you in an awkward ambiguous positon toward them ) - and you should give hm back what you've got. But if you don't want to do that, - anyway , cut contact and move on. Do you really believe he wants to be friends ? A friend is someone you can invite over and be proud to show your family and go out with, not someone you have to see on the sly . And pardon me if I doubt that your past connection was based on a deep philosophical intellectual affinity- I do not think you have had the time ( literally, in number of hours spent together ) nor the circumstances to cultivate a real friendship.
As for not being about sex , i.e. intercourse , for the past 3 years- oh well, he can afford to do without, he is gettng that at home. The excitement stays in having something different and forbidden on the side , in having VARIETY, ... then he can be flexible about the specific sexual acts.
Lastly, haven't you thought that his apparent attachment to you may come also or mostly, from the bitter awareness that there is not much market for mature ( late 40's ? 50's ) guys wth grown up kids and devoted wife at home , whom they won't leave ?... In other words, that he is aware he is no prize and knows most women would not be as gullible and undemanding as you, therefore he'd better hold on tight to what he's got ?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 August 2014):
 Give the presents back and cut the contact, he now sees you as an "easy" sex partner. He already knows you so he won't have to "find" a new affair partner and if giving you presents means you will still have sex and NOT expect anything from him, then he will gladly continue.
FOR your own sanity, I'd cut the contact 100%. You made the choice to divorce your husband, so you can start over, but this guy ISN'T interested in started over, he is QUITE content with the wifie and kiddos.
You have played the game with him for this long, why on EARTH would he want to change the game?
Whether or not HE wants contact is IRRELEVANT - either you want to continue to be the DIRTY secret on the side OR you can truly start over.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): "Do you think he is too emotionally involved with me to lose all contact from me?" No, he sees you as someone who knows he has no intention of leaving his wife but whom he can indefinitely string along as a piece on the side at a price he can afford, and there probably aren't a lot of women out there who meet his standards and are willing to prostitute themselves in exchange for some toys and trinkets.In other words, he won't give you what you want but he's willing to pay you for what he wants.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): It doesn't take much to figure this one out: He is using you for sex and he thinks if he buys you expensive gifts you will keep having sex with him while he stays married. Stop contact with him now and don't get involved with married men anymore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): Don't think it's just sex, we have had this relationship for 7 years, IV ended it loads of times yet he still can't stop contacting me, we haven't had sex for 3 years, just kissed and cuddled because I refused having sex with him...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): He said he won't leave his children, he didn't say his wife.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 August 2014):
 His motives are clear, he wants to have sex with you while remaining married to somebody else, the gifts are intended to get you to have sex with him.
He doesn't care if you want a relationship .... he doesn't care!
He has told you he will never leave his wife. You need to consider how likely it is for you to meet somebody else to form a relationship with while he is there in the background. There is a possibility any new man would see the gifts as some sort of proof of involvement.
If you want to move on with your life you need to stop all contact with this man, he is like an anchor around your neck.
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