A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I really hope you can help. My girlfriend dumped me at Christmas and I've been hoping beyond hope that we would eventually get back together. I've kept in touch with her throughout this time even though she's made it very difficult and has practically cut me off. Now I've found out she's leaving the area, and I don't know what to do. I have sent her messages explaining I am happy to leave too, because before I had not been very understanding when she talked about living in different places. But I totally see where she is coming from now. She was going to pick up her last bits of stuff today and I had bought flowers for when she got here, I rang her first thing to see if she wanted me to cook her some breakfast, but she didn't pick up.Then I texted her and she did reply, saying she was sleeping in but would drop by later. I asked her if she wanted to go out for a walk as it is such a beautiful day, and she didn't reply. I kept ringing. I counted, I rang 20 times in total and she didn't pick up once. But I know she was there because she sent that text.I was hoping she would come round and I could tell her about my idea of buying a VW van and driving around Europe for a few months. Her new job doesn't start until September and it would give us the chance to just have fun, like before.She has been saying she just 'needs to get away' 'have a fresh start' etc and I agree that this could be exactly the break that both of us needs.But if she won't pick up the phone, how can I explain all this to her?It makes me so sad to think she is moving away and I cant bear itbecause we are so right for each other.We really do 'have it all' but she just has to 'want it' How can I get through to her? I think otherwise we'll risk losing something really special.
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male
reader, EarlGull +, writes (18 April 2013):
What you're going through is really tough, but try not to keep calling her. It's not weird or scary that you've been doing this (that's not a very understanding judgement for people to make). People can under estimate how much a break up with someone you really love can mess up your mind. It's a symptom of heartbreak. You don't want to let go because you want her back so much. But try to take control and don't allow yourself to feel like this.
I know it's horrible being ignored, it makes you all the more determined to get an answer. But stop now. I promise it wont get you anywhere.
In a perfect world you'd be able to send a signal into her brain to change her opinion of you, and everything would turn out well. But the reality is the one you don't want to hear. It seems like she doesn't feel the same as you do anymore. Ouch. You still have feelings for her though, maybe they are more intense now she won't answer. You are longing to change her mind.
But if it's made up, it's going to be a huge uphill battle to change it. So, to hell with it! Stop trying. Fill your brain with as many distractions as possible or this will drag on for another four months, or even longer and make you as miserable as sin. Life's too short for that.
Get active and let out your emotions, maybe listen to some music, watch a film, have a long cry!! Do things to help yourself. It hurts, and you have to square up to it, then it will start to heal, all in time.
This is a horrible thing to go through, but you will find a way back to happiness. You might not be able to see that now, because you're missing her so much, but time heals everything. It's a human mechanism. If we didn't have this, we'd all be constantly walking around like grieving lovesick zombies.
Your idea about driving around in a VW camper van sounds cool, but you might have to think about doing this with someone else in the future.
My wish for you is that one day you'll be speaking again, as friends, and you'll be able to tell her about the great adventure you had in that VW camper van, with your new partner, and your ex missed out because, somewhere along the line, she forgot how great you are!!
Do you think there is just one perfect partner for all of us? If so, I don't agree. The world is full of amazing people, so, when you're ready, start looking for love again.
Again, it's a sad time you're going through, so you have my sympathy. I've been through this. But keep it together. I send you my best wishes for the future and keep us all updated. Things will get better.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 April 2013):
 OP,
I’m sorry you are in so much pain and hurting so badly over a break up that happened nearly 4 months ago. Clearly your ex-girlfriend is not interested in getting back together with you but you can’t or won’t listen to her words AND her actions.
You yourself say you were hoping beyond hope you would get back together. This says you know that it was a fairly fruitless hope.
She’s leaving the area and part of it I sense is to get away from your constant barrage of messages and calls and attempts to contact her. She’s pretty patient. IF I broke up with someone at Christmastime and he refused to respect my boundaries and continued to harangue me, I’d be contacting an attorney to get a restraining order.
I fear OP that you are a bit delusional about the situation. You say she was picking up the last of her stuff today… that means she’s really done… and yet you purchased flowers for her (a useless move that would have really annoyed me if my ex did that) and you think that she would WANT you to cook food for her and EAT with you… she does not answer your calls or texts because the answer is NO but you won’t listen to that will you? If she said NO to breakfast what would you have said or done?
Cleary she replies to you only when necessary to make arrangements about picking up her stuff. You asked about food, she ignored you. You asked to go for a walk and she ignored you yet again… do you NOT see the pattern? She ignores all things not necessary to getting her stuff back and detaching from you.
She says she needs to get away and get a fresh start… she means FROM YOU OP.
She knows what you want. Trust me. You have no need to further explain to her what you want and why you want it. SHE DOES NOT CARE.
You say you are so right for each other but she does not agree so your belief is not accurate… you may think she’s perfect for you but clearly she does not feel the same way.
I’m so sorry you are so sad but you cannot change her mind, you cannot get through to her and you can’t lose what you do not have.
I will leave you with this one thought… IF you truly love her with all your heart you want her to be happy correct? If you want her to be happy no matter what, then you will let her go because being without you is what makes her happy.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (17 April 2013):
 Hi
She wants to move on - alone. You calling her 20 times in a morning will have made her even more determined.
She ended things months ago because she did not want to be with you. You really do have to come to terms with that and accept it's finished. Let her go.
If you have the means to get away then do it for you,go to Europe, have some adventures.
But before that talk to somebody,a friend or a professional, you need help to get over the obsession you have with this woman.
Its hard when somebody you love doesn't love you back anymore but thousands have been there and survived.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): I agree with iAmHereToHelpYou that your reaching out to her is excessive and obsessive.Please accept that she knows you still love her but she has chosen to move away from you. Please respect her wishes and give her space. Judging from the actions you've described, she knows exactly what your feelings for her are because you are doing everything you can to get back together. There is nothing more that you can say now. You need to accept that.'We really do 'have it all' but she just has to 'want it' How can I get through to her? I think otherwise we'll risk losing something really special.'OP, your ex doesn't have to want anything. It's not up to you to decide that she 'has it all' in this relationship. Maybe she is everything you want. But you are *not* what she wants or she wouldn't talk about a fresh start which comprises cutting contact with you.I am sorry for your pain. But don't harass her which is what you are doing when you call her 20 times.You don't seem to get that she does not want anything to do with you anymore so I would like to spell this out for you.I suspect she is moving location to be as far away from you as possible because I would personally find your actions suffocating. Let her go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): She broke up with you at Christmas.She has not really contacted you in four months.She has made it 'difficult' for you to talk to her since Christmas because she really doesn't want to talk to you.She wants to move away.She wants to start fresh somewhere else. This means that she does not want to start fresh with you. She wants to start fresh without you.She wanted to sleep in. You called her 20 times. It is very obvious that you do not seem to understand what boundaries are or how to respect them. If you had simply called once and left a message (after a reasonable wait--given her enough time to sleep in very late before making the call) maybe you would have had a chance.I am very sorry, but she wants to move on in life without you.Do you hve any close friends you can talk to about this?Do you have a counselor you can talk to about this?Right now, you need emotional support so you can come to terms with the end of your relationhip. It has been over for four months. It is time to let go.
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