A
female
age
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*atellen
writes:I lost my husband of 35 years in 2009. I stayed home without dating for 2 years and when ready, I decided to go online. I met a man 6 years older than I and was very impressed. In fact, I fell in love with him, but was not quite ready to jump right back into marriage. I was committed to him with dating and having a relationship only with him, but I couldn't keep him off the dating sites and he just kept continuing getting to know different women better. He did so much that I just couldn't trust him and I finally broke up with him. We both have still been communicating with each other and are planning a weekend to bond again and talk, but I've been so heartbroken from almost the beginning, I'm not sure we can go on together. He wants to live together, but I'm not quite ready for that. What can I do? Any suggestions? Can he ever change and love ONLY me? It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, it was never quite enough. I have a lot on my plate, and he says he always felt he was about 5th down the list of priorities. As you can see, it is a two way street and I think with a lot of forgiving and changing, we possibly could go on, but I just can't handle the competition he puts me through. What to do with him?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 April 2013):
 Thanks for the UPDATE OP! Since you like guy #2 maybe he will be happy with just dating casually for now.
Best of luck to you.
A
female
reader, Patellen +, writes (18 April 2013):
Patellen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone, and especially the only male who answered anonymously. I will have to say that you are absolutely correct. I've always been a very open, honest, and loving person. i've always been very truthful and to do this to guy #2 is not right. All I have learned from guy #1 is how to cheat and lie! I have decided that I am not going to meet for the weekend, am saying good bye as I deserve someone better. To be fair, I am going to tell guy #2 that I like him and he is very sweet, but that after the relationship I just got out of, I am not ready to be in any relationship for now.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 April 2013):
Dear Patellen,
He lies.
He has 5 marriages behind him (the reasons are irrelevant) I myself have just married my 4th husband and I thought him NUTS to take me on with my track record but could NOT dissuade him from wanting to marry me.
He clearly requires the attentions of multiple women to stroke his ego.
He is RECENTLY divorced.
Your age is not an issue. My father was 61 when my mother died and he met a new partner about 4 months later and has been with her nearly 18 years so I am NOT giving him an out based on his age.
YOU then make excuses for him “he’s had so many raw dealings” BULL HOCKEY! DO not make excuses for this man.
He wants to be a couple and move in with you? Yet he lies, he’s on dating sites etc. YOU are not ready to move in after two years for a reason… the reason is you do not trust him…. With good reasons.
DO not listen to his words… listen to his ACTIONS…
I would NOT go away for the weekend with this guy. I would not risk him sucking you back into his vortex of lies and abuse.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): Ok, browsing sites after 14 months in a relationship means only one thing: he kept looking. Saying he doesn't feel like his a priority is a bunch of BS. He is at the age that there is no blank spots for him anymore. What exactly he is is not sure with you about? What does he think, at your age you are going to fool around? Again, in my opinion he is using the old trick of putting blame for his behavour on you.If he wanted sincerely be with you, he wouldn't be"interested just to see" who is flirting with him. Why! It's just hard to believe that a grown man will play these little games being already involved. Now, back to you. How are you better than him, if you date someone still hunting for the guy #1? You are actually now doing exactly the same thing, guy#1 did to you. You are keeping the second guy until you see what happens with the first guy.I dont agree with this kind of behavour under any circumstances. You don't use another person's time and feelings unless someone better comes along.It makes the whole dating pretty much a scam. I have nothing against having multiple sex partners, having sex here and there with clear intentions on both sides, but when I start dating, I date one person at a time, period, no exception. I m not leading anyone on by pretending I so like them. I don't date anyone only because there is no one better at the moment. And this is what it seems like both of you are doing.
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A
female
reader, Patellen +, writes (17 April 2013):
Patellen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again! I appreciate the advice~! I would really like to hear from a couple male perspectives on this whole thing. Is there anyone out there who would consider doing that? According to "him", this started because he didn't think that I was committed! Even though I was very committed, I guess he just didn't "get it" and because I wouldn't jump right in and say I would marry him, he was insecure? Needed other women to go to just in case this relationship didn't work out? Well, as an update after talking with him tonight, he says he is off all sites because it upsets me. We are to meet for a weekend the first of May to see where we stand. Since I broke up with him last October 30th, I have been dating another, but keeping this one at arm's length. I like this guy, but already know that he's probably not the one for me, but I don't want to break up with him until I know for sure. Guy #1 wants me back, but he needs to do a lot of proving himself to me, along with being more patient. What are your thoughts?
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A
female
reader, Patellen +, writes (17 April 2013):
Patellen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers. I'm new here so didn't know exactly how "windy" to get. We met online, had a wonderful relationship. He moved to a town close by and we did the weekend thing. I noticed that after I had gone home back to work for the regular week, that he was online a lot! I confronted him, but he said he was just "curious" to see who viewed him, flirted with him, and messaged him. We had been seeing each other for about 14 months! What I didn't mention previously is that he is retired out of the Air Force as an Educator, has been married 5 times previously, but has claimed that 2 of those were to help other people, and is recently divorced plus recently retired as a Pastor of a Methodist Church. Along the way I've been shocked and dismayed to some of the things he has done. He was not honest up front, has lied over and over, and in my eyes was cheating because he wasn't really committed. Yes, I am 62, even though people tell me I look 47, and he is 68. I think he just has had so many raw dealings that he just can't trust any woman! Too bad I fell in love with him so hard! He now says he is realizing a lot and is ashamed to the way he has acted and treated me. He still wants to be a couple and wants to move in together. I'm just not ready for that. Couple, yes, but not to live together yet. He says he is still crazy in love with me, but his actions don't match his words. Very sad because we had a lot of passion, plus a lot of fun together. We really enjoyed each other. I'm just not going to settle. I think he's learned quite a bit throughout our relationship, but apparently not enough. If I don't agree to move in together, I think he will be moving to Arizona in July after his lease is up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): 1. I just couldn't trust him and I finally broke up with him.2. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, it was never quite enough. 3. He says he always felt he was about 5th down the list of priorities.These are the things that went wrong the first time round. Have these three issues been resolved?Firstly, It sounds like you can't trust him (rightly so I might add) when you say'I've been so heartbroken from almost the beginning, I'm not sure we can go on together.'Secondly - it doesn't sound like you're on the same page now about your requirements from the relationship. 'He wants to live together, but I'm not quite ready for that.'Lastly, he's still not going to be your only commitment 'I have a lot on my plate'You have irreconcilable differences. Save each other the pain of dragging this limbo phase any longer and look for someone else more compatible and committed to you exclusively.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 April 2013):
 I see that you are at least around 60. I read that people your age goes fast in relationships because they don't have much time to wait. Maybe he is looking for someone who is ready to settle down. Still, he either lets the break up stay that way. If he is with you he has to be patient and take the relationship as what it is. I think changing, for you means be ready to live with him, I am afraid to say. Maybe to meet in the middle, you stay with him on the weekends and see how you feel being closer to him. If you made a profile online he should be able to tell whether your intent is just dating. Some people want long term. There is also dating for now and see where it goes. I find that people who put down long term are more serious. But of course some people don't say what they mean. When he's still looking it means when he finds a better match he will leave you, which makes you are "good for now" person.
On the other hand, I don't blame you. He doesn't sound like a person I want to commit to. He's like "live with me or I will date other women." It is manipulative and as you said it's a two way street. No one should mention living together before exclusivity and trust is achieved. I guess it all depends on how long you dated him and how often you are seeing each other.
If he never says he loves you you should not go back to him. It's possible he is just looking for a live in sexual partner or a house keeper. He doesn't sound like he will give up his online search even if you compromise a bit.
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