A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Background info: My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We moved in together for the first time last August. We attend the same college(as full time students) which is only a few minutes walk from our apartment. So, as the title says, he warned me not to come home today until after 6 this evening, even though I am a rent-paying resident.I'll start from the beginning: Last night he KNEW he had to get up early and go to an appointment on campus at 9 am today. However, he still decided to stay up until 3 am, keeping me up too (loud music/TV, thin walls, couldn't sleep). At 8 am this morning the alarm went off, but he decided to hit snooze a few times, and finally got up at 8:40. Now, my bf tends to be abusive. I realize I need to get out of this relationship, however I am trapped for now. Finals are coming up soon and I don't have the time and money to find a new apartment/roommate, pay for the deposit, move all my stuff on my own, etc. So I have to ride it out until the lease ends this summer. Anyway, so at 8:40 he wakes up and says, "I wish you could drive me" in an angry tone. But he knows I can't. I don't have my license, only my permit, so it's legal to drive him to school but not to drive myself back alone. I also can't park very well. I can park in a slanted parking spot, but our apartment's p-lot is tiny, crammed and the spots are at 90 degree angles. It was also REALLY early, and I had school so I wanted to sleep in longer. I told him these things, and then he blew up. While getting ready he screamed at me, cursing me, calling me every name in the book. He called me useless and worthless(for not driving him), even though I do 100% of the chores in the house including picking up after him, cooking and doing endless favors for him everyday. He said it was MY fault if he ended up being late, even though it is completely HIS fault (for staying up late and sleeping in too late). He got so angry that he threw his deodorant at me so hard/fast that it cut my hand and bruised it.Then before he left he told me that when he returned I had better either be gone from the apartment, or have cleaned the living room up (all his mess). If I didn't obey I'd be punished. Punishment usually consists of being physically hurt, destroying some of my possessions (he's broken/torn up countless things of mine including my glasses, posters, pictures, gifts from family and friends, clothes, etc.), being degraded via insults and being spat on, or a combination of those.So after he left I got up, got ready and came here to the campus computer lab before he returned. I lost sleep, got kicked out of my own home (that I pay rent for) because I was threatened. It is now almost 11 am here. I have two classes, but a 2 hour break in between at 2 pm. I guess I can't go home to relax and eat lunch, otherwise I'll get it. What do I do? I can't call the police because he has blackmail on me in the form of nude pictures and sex videos I made for him over a year ago when we were a happy couple. He says he'll post them online (or sell them) if I ever turn him in and tell people the truth. I feel so alone, and scared. I am failing this semester because these same types of situations happen everyday in this relationship. I can't focus on my studies and constantly miss due dates or half-ass my assignments because I'm so depressed and stressed out all the time. Please, if anyone has any advice, similar experiences, words of comfort, anything. I'd really appreciate it!
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (17 April 2013):
Please find someone to help you before you get badly hurt. If you can find disks memory chips etc where video and photos might be then do your best to delete or bettrr still just take them and go to the police and explain his threats. Find someone with a floor to crash on and get yourself some peace. Hes as good as told you to leave so stop feeling any resonsibility for his lease. He sounds a bit typical of a guy that thinks hes still 10 years old, its bad for him as well if you let him carry on like this. He needs to grow up and learn respect and self control before he does something really dumb. Its not your job to help him its gone too far. Try hard not to provoke him but at yhe same time make a plan to get you and your stuff out. And as suggested try yhe student councilors, they may have helpful ideas and contacts. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): You need to tell your school whats going on (your professors will work with you to get your grades up as will the schools counselors).You need to stop by the police department and tell them whats going on (including blackmail with photos/video).You need to get out. He is absolutly horrible. Tell your landlord that you need to break the lease because of physical abuse. They will get you out of it. No one will say no to a girl going through this.Move in with your family.Seek legal advise regarding the video/photos. If you can, can you delete them??Your life, health, school and sanity require that you not return to this guy. Go collect your possessions with the Police there. Don't be alone with him - its way too much of a risk.xoxo
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (17 April 2013):
 The lease is not the problem -- your wellbeing is. You are frightened, stressed, and it sounds like this semester is practically a write-off anyway. Do you really think parting at the end of the summer when the lease is up will be amicable?
You are in danger from a very bad-news guy. The sooner you get out, the less chance of your being seriously hurt, or worse. Is there a male relative you can count on? Your father, a brother, uncle, or cousin? Have them with you as you collect your things, and cut all contact with this abuser.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (17 April 2013):
 Please please please follow janniepeg's advice and go straight to the police while the bruise is still there. The guy is a violent, disgusting bully, even more so for trying to blackmail you into staying with him. You NEED to report him. Otherwise he will continue to do this until you have no asked of self-esteem left, and he will go on to do it to someone else after he's done with you. He needs to be stopped.
Can your college help you find temporary housing for now?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (17 April 2013):
 No apartment is worth staying in an abusive relationship. You need to take pictures of your bruised hand and show the police. Take pictures of your broken possessions. Tell them about his threats, about hurting you and posting nude pictures online. He belongs in jail. Please don't wait untill you do really get hurt. He's stupid. He is so close to going to jail and his computer will be seized anyway. Then you will get a restraining order on him. You are in shock right now and probably a little paralyzed and shaken. What a good opportunity to show your plight to the police. Just the look on your face will tell them everything they need to know about this guy. Don't wait. Just do it.
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