A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Around February of this year, my 20 year old daughter got about 20k from her grand father when he passed away. Now our family doesn't really come from a wealthy background, so when she got this money I was very happy for her and tried to encourage her to put it to good use and not blow it. I told her I would really like to see her either use it for her education since she's halfway done with her degree and or get a nice car because her car is beat up and not very safe. Well my daughter used about 1/3 of that to get a nose job which really upset me because I think she's beautiful the way she is and didn't find it neccessary. She then used quite a bit of that money this past summer to pay for herself and her best friend to take a trip to New York City for a week which I know had to be expensive. I know it's really not my business and it was her money but she has recently asked her father and I if we are going to be able to help with some of her tuition next year at school. I nicely asked her some questions about her inheritence and she told me she has only about 5k left and she's trying to save it as long as she can.Unfortunately my husband and I are not going to be able to help as much as we like and I'm just upset deep down that she blew a lot of her money like she did. Should I talk to my daughter and tell her how I feel or just let it go?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2015): No offence, but she sounds a bit spoilt. (Mainly by her blowing all this money then expecting you to pick up the bill, when she could have easily done it herself). My instinct tells me you would bail her out. I sincerely hope that you do not. As the others expressed, she needs to start working towards things and not demanding things from the parents.Here in the UK, most people who go to university get loans and part time jobs to foot the costs of it. Unless wealthy, parents here do not generally get loans or pay for the cover of those bills. I paid my way since I was 17yrs old with zero help or support from anyone, which taught me a hugely important lesson about responsibility and finances. I have never been in debt or overdrawn or had to ask my parents for money for help.I think it is time she learns about tough love. She should be getting a part time job or something and getting loans herself. If you bail her out, she will never really learn the responsibility of money.Good luck
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 September 2015):
 TELL HER... that responsibility with money is just like every other responsibility.....
AND.... that you and "Daddy" haven't got much to offer relative to her education... and she's on her own.
HOW LONG do you suppose that you are expected to be this young woman's "safety net" for her juvenile forays???????
Tough love sometimes sucks... but it's a better kind of love than "enabling" love...
Good luck... and stand tough...
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (24 September 2015):
 yep, there's a bunch of Esops Fables she should read. Not only should you let her know what you think bUT she needs to know the power of self-reliance.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 September 2015):
 She has let a sizable amount slip through her fingers and now she is down to her last $5000 and she wants to keep that "she's trying to save it as long as she can."
Based on her track record "long" is not going to very long and I expect by Christmas she will have nothing.
Very soon she will need a car and she will expect you to pay for that too, as the safety issue will concern you.
She is not a very young teen, she is a 20 year old woman. She has behaved with extravagant disregard for her future as she is sure you will always dip into your savings for her.
Talking will go right over her head. You already tried that and she ignored you when you said you, "told her I would really like to see her either use it for her education since she's halfway done with her degree and or get a nice car because her car is beat up and not very safe"
Even if you purchased her a good car she might even sell it and buy a cheaper one if she found herself short of funds.
She is only going to take notice of action.
She needs to get a job and start saving. Perhaps set up a savings fund where you have access to seeing the balance and the record of regular saving. Where you can see if it is being added to regularly with regular savings. She needs to learn to live within her means, whatever those means are.
If she wants to live like a millionaires she will always be poor.
If she shows evidence of regular saving then you could offer to match it dollar for dollar when the tuition needs to be paid. And pay the tuition direct to the provider, not to her or you may be asked to pay for it twice if she decides to use some of the money for herself.
She will not learn to live within her means and save regularly while you keep on handing over money.
Because at 41-50 that is when you and your husband should also be focusing on strategies for your own retirement in 20 to 25 years time.
If she becomes a spendthrift she will certainly not be in a position to help you in any way when you are old. So you also need feel no guilt about putting away for your own future in a fund you cannot yet draw down on.
She has more years ahead of her than you do to do the same once she graduates and starts earning a higher income.
Pity the inherited money was released to her in one lump sum and that she had access to all of it immediately. It has set her up to grab money when it is available and consume it like a stranded traveller in the desert who finds a water well.
When you redraft your own Wills let this be a lesson that some effort should be made to limit her access to lump sums in the future by making amounts contingent on something else. Eg: "I leave one quarter of my estate to my daughter ....... provided she reaches the age of .... and if she does not reach the age of .... then the share that would have gone to my daughter .....is to be directed to ..... "
The other potential beneficiary would therefore act as a block any early distribution as it would stop them inheriting if she died before the nominated age. Of course you never want her to pass away but drafting a Will like this means an extravagant family member is blocked from accessing the money earlier than intended.
To be even tougher you could stipulate that the amount left to her can only be released as one third on the day she reaches age .... and the next 1/3 twelve months later on the day she reaches age ....... and the final one third to be released on the day she reaches ......
It is extremely sad to se large sums frittered away on almost nothing and in less than 12 months.
It often happens and was never the intention of the testator. It is better if it can be set aside for something that helps the person's future and have a trust deed drawn up so that the trustee is bound to only release the money for a stipulated expense as defined in the deed.
young Grandchildren should, I think, be left funds to only be spent on their education once they have attained the age where education costs rise sharply.
And too easy for extravagant young parents to instead go on a toy spree and a theme park extravaganza with the money that was set aside for the child's education in 15 years time.
It then becomes too easy for grand children to think money is "easy come and easy go" and that more will be available when they just put their hand out.
Your daughter may feel very hard done by over your strength but she will learn nothing if you are always there with the purse open. Remind her that you are not a Bank and that you are a person, not a purse.
Some time in the far off future she may thank you for learning these lessons before it is too late.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 September 2015):
 I would tell her there is community college OR getting a part time student job. That you and her dad just don't HAVE that kind of money, and that was the biggest reason you told her, when she inherited the money, to put it too good use. She chose to squander it, no now she is left with what she has...
My step daughter was in a similar position, hubby was able to pay her first year tuition/materials, her mom the second year and now she is on her 3rd year - the girl was SMART enough to work in year 1 and 2, so she had saved up for year 3 all by herself. She did get some money before she started college that she spend on a car, frankly I would have bought a cheaper car, but it did work out in the end.
Sit her down, make a budget for the last 5K. I would NOT bail her out.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 September 2015):
 Yes, it is not your business, she is over 18 and so an adult and if she wants to spend money on a nose job and taking a friend on an all expenses paid holiday to NY City, then that is her choice.
Now, the tricky bit is that she wants to be an adult when it comes to frittering away an inheritance but wants to be a dependant and have her tuition paid for by her parents.
I think you can let her know that you and your husband are not going to be able to help with much, you could ask her how far she thinks the remaining $5000 will get her towards her degree, and you can also ask her what sort of part time job she expects to get to help with the expenses, and then get her to draw up a budget and then you and she, and dad too if he wants to be involved, can negotiate how much you will be able to LEND her towards gaining the degree.
Remind her she is an adult and that you are under no obligation to assist her, ESPECIALLY in light of the $15,000 she chose to spend on items other than her degree.
Don't forget to remind her to include any car maintenance issues she might have with her current vehicle.
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