A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have always and am currently having a real difficult time with my mom. I really need advice as to get my mom completely out of my life.Now I know this sounds awful but I feel as I have no other choice. My mother was very abusive to me growing up, she even let her boyfriends abuse me. Even now being an adult and living elsewhere, she calls me multiple times a day harassing me for no reason, saying horrible things, asking me for money (she has a drug problem). She even goes as far as to getting apps on her phone that change her number to trick me into answering. I have changed my number many times but somehow she gets it. My mom is very much into creating drama and I have no idea why.If I don't answer the phone she will come to my apartment complex banging on my door and screaming outside until I answer. I have had multiple complaints on me about this. She only lives about 5 minutes away from me so it's very hard to avoid her.I have told my mom that her and I are completely different people with completely different lifestyles and that for my sake, I would wish that she didn't contact me as she makes my life stressful. She doesn't understand or just doesn't care.I have never had a 'normal' relationship with my mom, but her behavior and issues seem to get worse and worse. I have been told by her doctors that she has borderline personality disorder. On top of this, she does drugs, gets into fights, has abusive boyfriends, and acts like nothing is wrong. She actually seems to enjoy her lifestyle.I think the main issue is that I live in a small town and live so close to her, she can always get to me. I don't have the money at the moment to move, but I will be moving whenever I get the chance. I have been considering getting a restraining order but people say those don't work and that won't stop her. What do you think I should do?I would really like to keep her away from me, as bad as that sounds, but I don't know how to?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 September 2015):
 Also you clearly have some well intentioned (mis-guided) person who you trust who you are sharing your phone number with. That person is sharing your phone number with your mother.
I would expect that in some places one might encounter such platitudes as : "you only have one mother" and "but she is your mother" and "I wish you too could get along" - all conveniently sweeping all the past abuse under the rug to not be mentioned. Such attitudes minimise the pain you have suffered and that is unacceptable.
Sometimes, to protect you, you have to cut contact with such people as they sabotage your efforts to cease contact with your abusive mother.
Think about it? Is it an Aunt or Uncle? A cousin or someone who, Pollyanna-like thinks too optimistically that your mother isn't the woman you know your mother to be.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 September 2015):
You can make use of a restraining order, also known as a protective order and they can be effective. However some persistent abusers will breach such orders, however remedies are in place if they do and I shall explain that as well.
Yes the protective orders are often breached but that is when they become even more useful as there are penalties for the abuser if they dare to breach the order.
Call the police immediately and never try to deal with the abuser yourself.
Effectively the abuser must cease to exist in your life once you get the Order in place. As such call the police every time it is breached (have evidence such as a photo or a recording of the words)
Feel no guilt about doing this. Let the law do it’s work and deal with the abuser direct.
If you instigate a protective order and the Order is granted then it precludes the person from threatening, harassing or abusing you. By abuse I mean not just physical harm.
There are many ways that abusers abuse.
Detail if there have been any threats to harm your body, any assaults you have been threatened with or have suffered, any stalking, threatened sexual abuse, harassment including one or many phone calls, threatening messages –electronic or in writing, anything that has made you fearful of more threats to you physically. Plus verbal harassment, constant denigration, lies spread about you, financial abuse, threatening your partner, your friends or others close to you, threatening to harm an animal in your care, slapping, biting, kicking, pushing or hitting you or psychological abuse and threatening your safety in anyway and harming you.
The abuser can be banned from turning up at your place of work or where you regularly study and your place of residence.
The abuser will then not be allowed to contact you by any means and will not be permitted to come within 100 yards of you.
The order can be renewed and if you move to live elsewhere the court can amend any address as to where the abuser cannot go in any effort to contact you.
You can instigate the process.
People do take out petitions against a parent or parents and do regularly succeed in doing so. You have been subjected to years of abuse and that abuse is not your fault.
You are not responsible for the behaviour of your mother. Your mother did not protect you when her boyfriend’s abused you. That was not your fault. Your mother failed in her duty of care to you. You are not to blame for that and you are not responsible for those attacks in any way. You were a child.
Your mother and her boyfriend or boyfriends are responsible for that abuse and all the blame belongs to them, not you.
You were the innocent party.
Now you are the innocent aggrieved party and you want the abuse to stop.
If you take out a protective order it can be renewed after five years. Initially it is in place for five years.
Some states, like Virginia only have protective orders issued for only 2 years : http://www.courts.state.va.us/forms/district/info_sheet_protective_order_stalking.pdf
Texas issues a kit to help you file a protective order: https://www.texasattorneygeneral.gov/cvs/protective-orders
https://www.texasattorneygeneral.gov/files/cvs/protectivekit_dv.pdf
Check with the Courts on the correct court to use to file your application in your state.
Collect some strong facts and detail events that represent the most recent and the past abuse that you cannot deal with anymore.
If you have had to seek medical attention then collect details on that too.
Follow any court instructions and detail abuse in concise dot points with what, when, where and how as far as particular instances of abuse with the most recent first.
Be non-emotional and factual. When you have your day in court be as concise as possible if you are asked a question.
Standing up and just answering “yes” or “no” to a particular question in Court in a firm assertive voice will be appreciated.
In your application you may wish to start with the most recent inciting incident that was the clincher to cause you to make the application.
Explain in assertive calm language what happened and what was the result and how this affected you and what you want stopped (abusers actions) and why you want these actions stopped.
But you can also detail concisely other recent and not so recent similarly abusive actions.
You are showing the court a consistent disregard for your safety and a history of a persistent series of actions that cause you harm and distress by the abuser.
When it gets to court do not look at the abuser and do not respond no matter how badly they act up – their acting up - and you staying calm is all in your favour.
Keep copies of everything you take to court and everything you refer to that is in a paper document as the Court may request such papers to peruse.
Follow everything the Court asks you to do. The Court may be able to suggest who can serve the papers on the abuser – because you cannot do that.
You must turn up in court for the hearing. The Court will deal with the abuser if they fail to turn up in Court once they have been served with the papers.
If you can afford it, then change your phone over so that all messages have to go through a message bank – and download copies as they may include abusive messages from the abuser.
Do the same with emails.
Because an abuser may get others to do their dirty work. Of court you block the abuser from contacting you. The Court will find examples of recent abuse in this way helpful to see the pattern of abuse.
Keep a fully charged up digital camera on you at all times. It shows the date of the photo and is helpful if the abuser chooses to drive the car perilously close to you. A photo is worth a thousand words.
Keep a small diary on your person and jot down the time, date and place where the abuser tried to engage you in conversation or was following you or harassing you in any way.
Keep a lock on your screen door and never open the screen if you don’t know who is at the door. Do not open your door very late at night. Nice people do not pound on your front door at 11pm or 5am.
If you do ever have to call the police due to any harassment then insist on getting a copy of the police report each time. It is all evidence for the court. You will get taken more seriously when you have solid verifiable evidence like this.
When you do move factor in how safe is the new abode for you.
Check out what level of security exists.
Visit the local Police and advise them that you have a restraining order and update them when the Order is updated with your new address.
You can even leave them with a copy of the order and a photo of the abuser for future reference.
Don’t be hesitant to get help and support. The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE can give you support and advise you of any local groups in your area who can provide support.
If you have not already checked out rainn I can recommend it, if it feels relevant for you www.Rain.org
The following two links may also be helpful for you.
https://us.sagepub.com/sites/default/files/upm-binaries/38655_Chapter4.pdf
http://leavingabuse.com/
I wish you all the best as you will need support to get this through. Never be ashamed of needing to protect yourself in any way from this abuse. You will grow stronger as a result of finding the courage to stand up to the abuse.
Not all women are meant to be mothers and sadly your mother failed to be the mother you deserved.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 September 2015):
 Oh this is a hard one.
I'm so sorry your mom has not been a mom you deserve.
I would get the restraining order
I would also call the cops when she shows up and bangs on your door and have her arrested for violating the RO.
I would let all my friends know that I do not answer the phone if I do not recognize the number and then let all unknown numbers roll to voice mail.
I think your wanting to be away from her is very appropriate.
For more peace of mind and coping skills i suggest you look into Al-anon. http://al-anon.org/home
they have many wonderful books and people and help for learning how to keep YOUR peace of mind while dealing with an addict/alcoholic.
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