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My Dad asked me to tell a serious lie. I feel bad about that. Should I cut contact with him?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family, Health, Teenage, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 October 2011) 8 Answers - (Newest, 10 October 2011)
A female United States age 26-29, *if3sucks writes:

Hey everyone

so its been awhile since i have been on here but i could really use some help, so this morning my dad called me and he lives six hours away from me and i only see him once in a great while and he asked me if i could do a favor for him and tell a little white lie, i asked him what the favor was and he asked me to call his work saying my brother got into a car accident and that he needs to get to where we live as soon as possible. he wanted me to lie so he could get out of work today cuz he didnt want to go cuz he has been working so hard, i tried telling him i didnt want to and he wouldnt give up so i did and i feel really bad for doing it and he told me not to tell anyone.

but right after i did it i told my mom and she got very upset with him so she told my step mom about it and now she is mad at my dad. I dont know if i should never talk to my dad again since he put me in that situation and since he made such a serious lie about my brother.

what do you guys think i should do about this?

thank you very much!

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A female reader, lif3sucks United States +, writes (10 October 2011):

lif3sucks is verified as being by the original poster of the question

lif3sucks agony auntthank you everyone! I wont cut contact that was stupid for me to even think of doing but i have yet to talk to him cuz im not ready to, this isnt the only thing he has done to upset or hurt me about so im just going to wait tell im ready to confront him. thanks again!

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A female reader, unmeidaagonyaunt United States +, writes (9 October 2011):

unmeidaagonyaunt agony auntCutting off contact with a family member entirely is usually something that comes about in the wake of prolonged abuse or neglect. Without any of those issues at play, I don't think that you should cut off your dad.

I DO think that you need to have a candid discussion with him about what is and is not appropriate. You did the right thing by involving both your mom and stepmom, and by involving them you have maintained that (a) you are a trustworthy person, and (b) you have a significant level of integrity. That cannot be understated.

I'm sorry that you had to deal with your dad wanting to draw you into a lie, but believe me when I tell you that this is the kind of thing that will blow over before too long. You'll be joking about this some Thanksgiving years from now, so don't worry.

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A male reader, The Realist Canada +, writes (9 October 2011):

The Realist agony auntIt was wrong of him to get you to do this. I would never say something that bad has happened but for you to question whether to talk to him again is a bit extreme. When I read the question title I thought you would be covering up for an afair or something. He just wanted to get out of work, it's not like it was going to hurt anyone. If he had done it himself would all of you be so mad at him? Probably not so I think he just needs to know he was wrong for getting you involved but other then that it is his job and his decision.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011):

He shouldn't ask you to do this, he could have just called in sick or make some other excuse. It's not good to lie about accidents etc. as I believe that will bring bad luck in the future. I don't think this is any reason to stop contact with your dad however. Forgive him, tell him how it made you feel to be asked to do this and just move on from this.

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A male reader, idoneitagain Australia +, writes (8 October 2011):

It was not right of your dad to ask you to lie for him. It sets a bad example and I am glad to hear that you had enough good sense and courage to tell him you didn't want to do it. What was worse though was that he put you in such a difficult position, where it is so hard for you to say no to him, that is really a maniuplation of his relationship with you and it is understandable that you would be very hurt and upset by this. I can also understand how you would feel that you don't want to speak to your dad again. It was really wrong of him to put you in such a difficult position which left you feeling bad about yourself and that he asked you to do the wrong thing, which made you do something against your values. It is good that you went to your mom about this, and that your mom supported you in what you did.

However, I don't think it is a good idea for you to cut off your relationship with your dad. Cutting off your relationship from family members is not the best move unless it has to be done. What is best is that you have a conversation with him where you explain to him how you felt, what you didn't like about what happened, and how you want him to behave towards you. He might not have the capacity to face this criticism from you, and he might react badly, but that doesn't matter as much as it matters to at least build up the courage to have that conversation with him and give it a go to do your best to express yourself to him and have your say. Letting your parents know how you feel about difficult circumstances that involve them is an important part of your education in becomming an adult. So is learning to express yourself honestly when it is really difficult. Have the courage to tell your dad these important feelings, and even if he reacts badly, you will be much better off for it.

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A female reader, tennisstar88 United States +, writes (8 October 2011):

tennisstar88 agony auntBasically your dad wanted you to call in and get him out of work..Kinda like when you don't feel like going to school, and your mom calls the nurse and says your sick.

Your dad was being immature. He could have easily called off stating he was sick, instead of making up an intricate lie for you to tell. You did what your dad told you, so you didn't do anything wrong. Eventually this lie will catch up with him at work and he'll get in trouble for it. Bad move on his part.

This issue isn't anything to cut off contact with your father over. Just let him get an earful from your stepmom and hopefully he'll apologize. Let this issue go and don't lie for him again when he asks you to.

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A female reader, Claraw1 Australia +, writes (8 October 2011):

Claraw1 agony auntTalk to your Dad, and tell him that you don't want to be put in that position again as you felt very uncomfortable. I will tell you that most people have done this in their life whether they are male or female, the lie being about your brother was what made it so hard I would guess. My advice is don't be so over-dramatic about it, and do not stop talking to your father over such a small thing, you felt uncomfortable and guilty, that will happen a lot more in life to you as you get older, it's a part of life, learn from it and avoid doing that again. As a daughter I will tell you something, my Dad died 3 years ago and I would give anything at all for my Dad to be able to put me in a position like that because that would mean he is still here, don't cut your Dad out of your life over something that is so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, because in the future when he is no longer on this Earth you will regret and feel a million times more guilty over that than you do over telling a lie to a company so he could have the day off. With that said, he was wrong in getting you to lie, just tell him that, and work on getting some priorities, and growing up a little.

Parents aren't perfect, they make mistakes and sometimes put their grown up kids in awkward positions, and if every child reacted by cutting their parents out of their lives, there would be no such thing as family, and family is important.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011):

What your dad did was wrong, and a serious lie.

But should you cut contact with him? That I don't think you should do.

Think about your relationship with your dad. I assume you had a pretty good relationship, especially since your mom and step mom are comfortable enough to talk to each other. Do you want to throw all that away over a lie?

And completely cutting contact is a big thing to do. Sometimes I feel like some people exagerate when they need to get things out of their systems

Don't worry, I do it too! And I'm not trying to be rude or disrespectful. Anyway, i reccomend not cutting contact.

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