A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey there,I am in an interesting predicament. My bf and I have been together for 8 months, and we are very much in love. I am conflicted over his relationship with his life-long female friend. She is very attractive (and a stripper), and he seems to be quite fond of her.He made her a beautiful piece of jewelry for her birthday, and didn't give me anything for mine.And then for her bday we also went camping and she just openly walked about in her panties and bra to play in the ocean.He's admitted me me that her think's she's attractive/hot, but that he doesn't really want her. He does talk about her a lot though, and he asked her out years ago but she said no. I don't want this to ruin our relationship, and I feel so terrible for being the jealous girlfriend, but this whole thing has made me very depressed and my self esteem just seems to be plummeting.What to do?
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (31 August 2011):
It is natural that you feel jealous, you feel this way because you view her as a threat to your relationship. Even if you aren't worried intellectually, subconsciously and emotionally you view her as a threat because she is attractive and desirable. It is a natural response. It is the same response that makes women become more competative when an attractive male enters the room, often even if they are partnered, or not interested. If this woman was unattractive and her and your partner were close, you probably wouldn't feel as much jealousy, or any at all.
The two of them probably love each other as friends, it would be natural if they did, they have known each other for many years. It is also natural that he finds her attractive if she is attractive, but it is also natural if they have such a long standing relationship that he is not interested in her as a partner, that they are only friends.
As things have been described, he isn't doing anything wrong, and neither is she. They should not have to end their friendship just because she is attractive, or because you are jealous. This is an exercise in maturity, in learning how to deal with these kinds of complications in relationships. It is an exercise in learning about trust in relationships. It is an exercise in you being honest about your feelings and learning how to work with your feelings too. In other words, it would be good experience for you to have a conversation with your boyfriend about the fact that you are jealous. You might need to explain to him that he hasn't done anything wrong, and he doesn't need to convince you that there isn't anything to be worried about, he just needs to understand how you feel. If he can start to understand how you feel, it will help you to process how you feel too. You can even have a conversation with her about it by the way, tell her that it is hard for you to see how close they are and how beautiful she is, and feel like you have to try and match up. Over time, if you can build up your openness with your boyfriend, your jealousy will diminish and your trust will increase. Also, if your boyfriend feels that you trust him and he is free to be himself in his relationship with you, it will help him to become closer with you over time.
There is one other thing worth saying. If you have the sense that underneath his friendship with her, he still has a massive crush on her and wishes he could be with her but can't simply because she rejects him in that way, that can affect your relationship in a big way. It doesn't sound like that from your post, but if he does have feelings like that, you need to talk about them with him or the dynamic will eat away at you both.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): I see why you are jealous. I would be jealous too. :(
I think that some men don't get that women are need to feel like they are the only one in his eyes. Being told "my friend is so hot" is really hard for a woman to hear. Rhianna has it right in her song "make me feel like I'm the only one in the world."
So, without accusing, sit him down and explain why you feel uncomforatble. Don't give ultimatums or anything. But just explain how you feel honestly without blame. If he really loves you he will be respectful of your feelings.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (30 August 2011):
 Yes I'm with you I'd be jealous too. I can't believe she walks around in front of him like that. Tell him how this is making you feel and if the pair of them don't start having a normal friendship (where he doesn't tell you she's hot and she walks around in clothing) then he's possibly not the right man for you.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (30 August 2011):
This is a double up. I have answered on the first one
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A
male
reader, Ashley0112358  +, writes (30 August 2011):
 Hmm, well i think you have 2 main options:1* Talk to him,explain how you feel, but dont sound like you are making accusations. Let him know that you trust him and love him, but just need a little reassurance. He will either reassure you, or get defensive, if he gets defensive, stay calm, apologise and explain you didnt mean to offend him, either go over your points once more, or leave it be.some would say that him being defensive is a sign he might like her still, or be confused about his feelings, but i dont believe this is true. Maybe he will be scared of losing you, the love of his life, or her his good friend, it is a very daunting predicament.2* Sit back and evaluaterelax a little, and tell yourself just how special you are, you are both madly in love, and most likely have nothing to worry about, maybe you should get to know her a little more. You never know, if you both become good friends you may see there is nothing to worry about.Either way, try not to worry, those we are mean't to be with are always there, you are still young and have your whole life ahead of you.Good luck, i hope you get a solution soon. Smile it could always be worse =)If you need cheering up or someone to talk to, there is always someone there to help.
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