A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year, we recently moved in together, and I have a good relationship with his children from his previous marriage. He is 12 years older then me, and even though he is divorced and has children my family adore him. His family, however seem to prefer his ex wife and have made it perfectly clear to me that I will always be second best to them over his first wife, who he divorced two years ago as he decided he couldn't accept what she wanted out of life. She wanted more then realistic they could afford, but still put them in debt to get it. Although it really upsets me, I try to pretend it doesn't. His ex wife makes it impossible however. For example, last week my boyfriend's father turned 70, and he had a family meal to celebrate at a local restaurant. I was invited with my boyfriend, and also his children. As his ex wife is still very friendly with the family, she was also invited. Which was fine, I accepted that she will be invited to things and will always be a part of the family due to their children. However, during the meal, she kept making comments, silly things like how the school rang and asked for Mrs X, or how her colleagues asked after my boyfriend. I work as a nurse, while she is an estate agent. I'm not jealous of her job, but it's constantly mentioned, how she sold this house, or her commission was this much. My boyfriend sometimes manages to steer the conversation away from her whenever the children aren't there but as they are 9 and 7, they would be aware of the issue and I don't want to come between their parents. I have tried talking to my boyfriend about how it upsets me that she plays a huge part in his family life, whereas I'm ignored. I really try to make an effort with his parents and siblings, but his sister is the only one who actually makes the effort with me. His children are lovely, and I get on very well with them both. Although a few times without meaning to, the eldest has called me a silly name that their mother calls me, referring to my accent, which I can't help but wonder if she talks about me to them. I love my boyfriend, and he loves me also. He has tried to keep the peace, and I often pretend things are fine, when their not, because I really don't want to come across as a bad person for wanting his family to accept he is with me now. What can I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2013): Don't worry I doubt this situation will last forever. If you and your bf get married in the future, that will raise you up in his family's eyes. Being just a gf is like being a second class citizen to them I guess bit if you tot married I cant see that they would hold her on higher esteem than his own WIFE. Furthermore I am sure at some point she will get a new man and maybe remarry. Then I doubt she will be hanging onto her ex's family like this. So just be patient for now. Sorry you have to put up with it though. I bet it is uncomfortable for her too so take some solace in the fact that she is also probably upset. Look at it from her view. She was married to him. He left her because he didn't like her putting him into debt. Now he has a new gf who shows up at the family get togethers and whom her own kids get along with. I bet she feels displaced and threatened by you.
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (11 September 2013):
 Firstly you BF is trying to be supportive, but careful you don't border on being a nagging GF. With regard to the ex, as soon as she starts talking about herself, steer the conversation and focus on the kids, this way you cannot be accused of being rude. The family is holding on to the memories and life she shared, no harm, you just need to be happy and seen to be happy so they know you are there to stay.
Sometimes people like that are best ignored and don't give them the pleasure of upsetting you. I would take it one step further, and make her real uncomfortable by being absolutely loving and touchy around your BF when she is around, maybe then she will get the message that it is over.
I believe she is still not over her ex because she wants to show herself up at your expense and the fact she is immature to start name calling. When the kids call you that name, make light of it and laugh with them, so they eventually realise calling you names have no impact.
Try and relax and enjoy your relationship, always be happy around them like nothing phases you, they will let you be as they will think they cannot get under your skin.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2013): Hats off to you for taking on this loaded situation! What we do for love ;-)The good news is you get along with your boyfriend, and his children. This is the most important - the rest, can be dealt with.It must be difficult to know that his family prefer his ex wife (for now) but it's their prerogative. This may change in time but even if it doesn't, that's ok, you are and will always be 1st for your own family :)She sounds like a selfish person with materialistic ambitions, so to each their own. You however, being a nurse, already says a lot. You serve others. You help others. That tells us you have a dedicated nature and care about others. Your boyfriend is lucky - he has found the right one. Not only that, someone who has taken on the baggage and cares enough to want to make things better for everyone.It's true, due to their sharing children she will always be in the picture, but he had his time with her, he knows her flaws despite her looks (I can calculate someone wanting money spends it on herself too) so he probably just tolerates her. Perhaps I'm wrong and she is a lovely person, and essentially their life paths were different, she wanted things they could not afford and their parted ways. There is no threat. They want different things out of life. So don't feel threatened or insecure about her at all. Always keep things in perspective, and don't worry about her bragging, her flashy ways, her saying how much commission she just made, etc. Those are her dreams and they meant more to her than being with her ex husband. You however, care more about HIM as a man, about your relationship and future, and his children. Focus on those. Focus on what you care about. Show how different you are. How unique you are. Don't play her games. Just smile her off like a belligerent child ;-) Your boyfriend sounds great, and he does try to help the situation by steering the conversation away. Continue working as a team, have each other's backs, and when you enjoy a happy relationship, his family will one day realise, their son/brother is so much happier than he has ever been! There is no competition - you win, you are with him :) So be your best you, win them over with who you are, and continue cultivating the friendship with his sister. Rise above the situation with his ex. Accept she will always be there, but she is an ex who shares child responsibility and is still part of his extended family because just because he and her divorced, does not mean his family ended it too.Look at the Serenity Prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference"So accept what you can't change - that she is there for life. Have courage to change what you can: perceptions of you, winning them over to like you for you, etc. The wisdom in realising that even though she is in the picture, she is not an enemy. He may have shared his hurt, his feelings which turn you against her, but just see her as a woman who loved, lost and has moved on, and still enjoys his family and shares the milestones with her kids. Good LuckMiss P
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