A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Earlier this week, my boyfriend told me that he has a coworker that has been flirting with him all the time. she finally asked him to meet with her outside of work, and he did. (it was just next door at a food place). she somehow knew that we’ve been having problems (although the arguments are over silly, mundane things, nothing relationship-damaging) and asked him to hangout, and he told her no that we are trying to work on things. she was trying to convince him to cheat on me and that it was stupid and wasn’t going to work out. He told me that he told her we have awesome sex together to get her off his back (which REALLY bothered me). he told her not to wait on him and that there wasn’t a chance, but then she asked him again yesterday to spend his lunch break with her. she clearly doesn’t respect our relationship at all and i’m so upset. he told me that she intrigues him because she is trying so hard to get his attention, should i be worried? how do i go about this? i want to talk to her so bad but don’t want to disrupt his workplace - he works in sales for a window company. i think it’s inappropriate for him to talk about our relationship with this girl. how do i navigate this?I don't think she respects we're a gay couple either, rumors circulate she's very into the "boys love" genre and doesn't see us as a "real" couple.stressed AF!TLDR: my boyfriend’s coworker keeps asking him to cheat on me with her, and he keeps saying no. what do i do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2022): Reading through this, I think your BF is full of pony.
Also - he is gaslighting you and when you explode, he will sit back and say "what's all this about?"
He sounds egotistical in the way he is treating you. It's as though he wants you to believe that you can do no better than him, but he can replace you easily.
Love isn't making the other person feel insecure by going to lunch with an untrustworthy person and what's more, rubbing their partners face in it - which is what he is doing.
Love is caring about your happiness and wanting you to feel secure. Love is being loyal to your partner above all else.
Your partner is not loyal to you, nor is he respectful and that is why you are stressed, nothing to do with this girl. This girl is just a byproduct (although I must admit it would be interesting to hear her side of all this).
You need to set your boundaries quite firmly and make it clear that any stepping over them will mean the end for your relationship - and mean it!! The fact that he is showing you no respect means you have to up your game and show yourself enough respect to know that you deserve more than this.
Tell him in no uncertain terms that he is to no longer have lunch with her or see her outside of work, that he must make their relationship purely a professional one. Tell him to block her number and make it clear that he is with you.
If he refuses, or you find he has not done these things then you know where his loyalty lies - with himself I suspect.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2022): I am sorry but this is emotional abuse. Emotional abuse directly to you. If he is man enough he will manage the situation where he stops this woman. period and continue the commitment relationship he has with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2022): Somebody is being gaslighted, and taken for a simp.
Okay now. You know your boyfriend, and should know when he's playing for a fool.
It's totally suspicious that he's so open and honest about what's going on; and giving you the play-by-play progression of their activities and conversations. Like Honeypie says, he can shut this down if he wanted to.
Why in the world is he discussing his relationship problems with a single female-coworker? Why did he go to lunch with her, already knowing it was going to send the wrong message when he's a guy in a relationship? The last thing any guy in a rocky-relationship needs to do, is "entangle" himself with someone single and available.
He's fighting her off; yet at the same time, confiding in her about the condition of your relationship.
Seriously?!!
If you lie to people who swallow everything you say, you can easily manipulate them. SHE'S after HIM he says? I think it's the other way around; and he's getting his story in first before something goes-down. Maybe he hasn't made the play yet, but if things go south; he's already got his side of the story planted in your head.
You are mentally downplaying the state of your troubled-relationship, and you're assuming he's in it for the long haul. You better ask him. Maybe he's done with it, and already exploring his options with the intent of parting ways.
This is all my own speculation, I can't read minds, or tell the future; but here's my assumption of what he's up-to. Keep you informed there is somebody after him; and he's fighting the temptation with all his might. If he gives-in, it wasn't without a fight!
She is so persistent he doesn't know what to do. Well, that's an easy one really. You tell that person you're committed, keep your distance, and keep your personal-business to yourself; and nothing is going to happen, unless you want it to. Unless he has convinced her there is no hope for your relationship.
You don't discuss intimate details of your troubled-relationship with single and available people of the opposite-sex (or same-sex, if that's your persuasion); unless you might have something in-mind. You can report a sexual-harassment complaint with HR. Unless you're trying to get the point across that you can see yourself single and available, and might be on the market in the near future.
If you've been a pain in the butt lately; sending this kind of warning-shot across the bow will make you behave yourself. There's two-sides to every relationship; and everybody has their share of bad-behavior to be accountable for. He probably has tried to leave you, but you've managed to get him back. You may have seen hoards of red-flags about the guy, but you just won't let-go! You can't force people to love you who don't; and they don't have to mean it, just because they can say the words "I love you." It keeps people stuck, and unable to move on; even when they see every effort fails, and little evidence of love.
If you can't resolve your problems, they continue to grow and pile-up; you have to resign yourself to the fact that the time has come to let-go and move on. Beating a dead horse is useless. If you're the one always holding-on and dragging him back; he will find a way to finally cut himself free, even if he has to chew-off a limb. Maybe you have an ex hovering over your relationship, or someone he feels threatened by; and this is a way to make you feel jealous. His leverage. If he's a cheater from the past, don't pretend you don't know any better.
If cheating is how you got him? Oh-well!!! Then what goes around, has come-around!
I'm sorry, but he must be one really juicy hunk of a stud muffin! For some female to be so thirsty; as to chase him relentlessly, even while on the job! I'm pretty sure there are company policies on ethics and proper conduct on-the-job for all businesses in Canada. Great or small! You can't just behave any which-way you like with co-workers. How much work do they get done, having so much idle-time to be so busy interacting, while he's so gallantly deflecting her advances??? Can't you see he's condescending to you and insulting your intelligence? The feelings are likely mutual, and he's building up to something; or simply speaking from a guilty-conscience. If all this is totally off the mark, all he has to tell her is to get lost, he's not interested. She won't continue unless he has given her the idea there is a possibility. Unless he's a pathetic wimp, she can't make him do anything.
Men have no problem rejecting women they don't really want; unless it's a fatal-attraction of the "Glenn Close" magnitude in the movie "Fatal Attraction." He's so full of bull manure, he could fertilize a 25 acre farm! He's playing on the popular myth that men can't resist sex; while she is being portrayed as the treacherous man-eating skank after your boyfriend. Maybe she's threatening to tell on him, if he doesn't stop making passes at her! You have no idea what he's telling her, but she may have called his bluff; and now he's trying to get ahead of her reaching-out to you. This all just smells funny, it's like he's trying to cover his tracks...or his @$$!
I'd say, it is time that you assess your pros and cons. You may be holding-on to a relationship that has finally run its course; but he's trying to find a drama-free way out, and maybe he has someone waiting on the sidelines. Just as soon as he figures-out a way to dump you without making a big scene.
Now, he may be totally innocent. He deserves benefit of the doubt. You admit the relationship is always in trouble. He knows you, how you react when you're pissed; and if you're one to create a lot of drama, and make a big emotional spectacle of everything. Guys hate that! It's unstable behavior regardless of gender!
He might be messing with your mind. It's time to decide if the guy really wants to remain in your relationship? If your relationship is constantly rocky, you can't dismiss the possibility that maybe he has had it. One could suspect that his objective is to make you so insecure and crazy with suspicion; you'll go nuts with jealousy! He will just have to end the relationship; because you're too insecure and don't trust him. Catch my drift, girlfriend?
Have a heart-to-heart talk. Keep calm, stay on-point. Ask him if he wants the relationship to be over? It's time you grow-up. If you have to fight to keep somebody, and if whatever they're doing to hurt you never stops; that means they don't want to stay. Then let him go!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2022): The idea of involving the boss is ridiculous. Your boyfriend can deal with this himself - if he is a man. He did not have to tell you at all. When I was much younger and worked with a lot of people I often had guys being pushy about meeting up after work, I never bothered to tell my partner, it was pointless, I know how to open my mouth and say the word NO.
And I say it in such a way that people don't think maybe she means yes or maybe she will change her mind. He is either telling you because he wants you to believe he is a goody loyal man when in truth he fancies her and is not sure whether to go with her, and sussing you out, or because he is a really nice man and wants to share this with you so that he has no secrets. But look at the result, worrying you when he should have could have dealt with it himself.
As for the bit about you having terrific sex, it is not true, so it worries you he said this to her. He is trying to keep you on your toes, it is his way of saying we don't have terrific sex so if you don't start to oblige me with a lot of great fun I might say yes to her. And all the while he can say it with a smile on his face as if he is doing nothing wrong. Remember that you only have his word for what he tells you, he may well leave bits out and change bits and add bits to sound better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (11 April 2022):
 Your BF needs to tell her if she doesn't stop this, he will have to take it to their boss.
This is borderline sexual harassment. which is NOT to be tolerated at work.
Also, your BF is fibbing. HE has told her about the issues you two have. Or he has told someone else and she overheard. She didn't "magically" just know. But my guess is, she knew because your BF mentioned it.
"she somehow knew that we’ve been having problems".
You BF needs to shut her down hard, go to his boss, or look for a job elsewhere.
Not only is she SUPER unprofessional, she is also creepy AF!
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