A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together 6 months now, things are going great and he's showing signs that he's about to pop the question, which I'm very excited about as I love him so much. Oh my God that sounds soooo girly and I'm not a girly girl at all (as you're about to find out), but there's one problem that keeps cropping up.I'm not afraid to admit to this on an anonymous forum, but in real life no one but me and my boyfriend know. I didn't even confide in my best friends, not because I'm ashamed because I'm not, just because it's no-one's business but mine. But I did something my boyfriend has a majore problem with.Basically, before him I had been married for seven years, the last two of which were totally sexless. Frustrated beyong belief though I was I remained faithful, even when severely tempted through propositons for "discreet flings" from ex's. When I finally kicked my useless ex-husband out, I began flirting with my now boyfriend almost immediately online (we've known each other a long time), but didn't feel ready to sleep with anyone I knew or cared about as my ex had dented my confidence so much that I truly believed his long-term erectile disfunction was my fault. So when things hotted up (in chat) between me and my now lover, I didn't feel ready to show my saggy, strech-marked 30 year old body to him and felt I needed some practise to get back in the saddle after years of sexual drought, so paid a male escort to 'visit' me one night. The experience was ok, the sex was very mediocre with minimal conversation as per my request, but it served its purpose. Yet my partner is very angry with me for doing this. He said "you're a woman, why didn't you just go down the pub and have a one night stand", but he didn't seem satisfied with my answer that even in the ONS scenario, there's still a certain amount of social front and effort that you have to put in, and I really didn't have the energy to invest in that. Having three kids, it seemed far cleaner and more discreet simply to hire a guy for one night when they were at their Dad's. My boyfriend's problem is that he sees prostitution as solely the domain of the male. In his younger years he experimented with 'hookers' as well, but finds it incomprehensible that I, as a woman, could have done the same thing. I don't want our relationship to suffer (or worse) over the stupid actions of one night, and if I knew how it'd have affected him I never would have done it, but it's too late for regrets now. How can we get past this?Btw ladies, do you think I'm a freak?? Cos that's how my bf's making me feel over this!!!
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best friend, confidence, escort, flirt, my ex, one night stand Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 July 2012):
 I'm very open sexually and it never occurred to me to hire a male escort (of course in my state even escorts are illegal)
my parter was a huge user of escorts before we met... and that was his past and I don't care.
I was a swinger and that was my past and he does not care.
we both went and had STD testing right away and again at 6 months and are now boringly monogamous... (and happy with it..)
My concern is that your BF has a lovely double standard...its' ok for him to use an escort but not you?
that seems unfair.
I don't think you are a freak... I would like to be friends with a woman who knows her mind and her needs and takes charge of her life.
I hope you and the bf can work it out...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2012): Why on earth would you tell him, this bazar honesty is very much puzzling to me. Why should you say such a thing to your boyfriend. Did you think he wouldn't be upset?
With that said, I don't think you are a freak, "everyone is doing it":) well, lots of women, but they just don't talk about it.
Especially in this world when noone has so much time for this things, and you having children, I would agree that one night stands could be lots of work
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2012): I told my boyfriend because he sheepishly admitted to me first that he'd done it when he was in college, to lose his virginity. I genuinely have no problem with that, and told him about my own experience to support him and make him feel less bad about his own past.I think he was worried that his sexual history would be a deal-breaker for us, but at the same time wanted to be completely honest with me. His ex used to give him a tough time about it and would throw it in his face whenever they argued about anything at all.YouWish, I do agree with what you said about the timing of my 'meeting'. However, at that stage I wasn't sure anything would come of the online flirting with my bf as he was very hot and cold back then. I didn't think he could be serious about me as he's very fit and good looking, while I'm average. I've never been interested in comparing myself to plastic 'model' types, but still, I'd like to lose a bit of weight. He's given me so much confidence but I still sometimes wonder "what does he see in me?" when I look in the mirror.As for the sex, I don't think I was longing to be desired so much as have someone physically close to me after so long. I kind of just wanted sex for its own sake you know, and don't really understand these women who say they need it in order to feel 'desired' and 'beautiful'. As I said I'm not a girly girl, perhaps I am a freak lol.Thanks to you all for your answers.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 July 2012):
 One other thing:
I get what the other aunts are saying here, but if your purpose was served to prove to yourself that a guy could become aroused by you and get back in the saddle sexually, the absolute last thing you want to do is hire a guy. He's *paid* to say you're beautiful and be with you. His arousal was to your money, not you. Your exes ED was only about him. What you really needed was for someone to desire *you*, and when you get close to someone, that happens.
A food server is nice to you because he wants a tip. An escort or prostitute simulates arousal (with or without erection) for money. I don't want to see you hurt yourself and sabotage your future relationship because your ex-husband was an emotionally abusive asshat who deserves to be kicked in his limp penis several hundred times.
Your current boyfriend did not see prostitutes when he was with you. You, however, hired an escort when you were flirting with him. If you had hired a guy before you met him and he was having a problem with that, I'd tell you to tell him to shove it up his prostitute-hiring-hypocritical ass. But this is different for the reasons I said so elaborately in my last post.
I don't want to see you remain in a self-destructive pattern. Your ex-husband really wrecked you if you felt you needed to sleep with a hired prostitute before being with a man you had real feelings for. That is messed up, and it makes me feel bad.
When a guy is really into you, he doesn't see stretch marks. He doesn't see imperfections. He isn't critiquing you and blaming you for his porn addiction or his penis failure. He's not breaking you down in order to build himself up.
Likewise, you've gotta take your mind off of yourself. Concentrate on getting to know him. I guarantee you that this mediocre sex with an escort to prove that someone else can be aroused for you won't solve your problems, and that this healing from your ex is going to be a long process. Savor the anticipation of connecting physically with someone else. You don't need trial runs, and you certainly don't need to feel that your body doesn't measure up to the plastic barely-legal porn bombshells out there. A guy who is really into you will find every inch of you beautiful. Learn to let go again -- that's your true therapy.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 July 2012):
You're not a freak.
However, if you were building a relationship with your boyfriend, he might see it as cheating to know that while you were talking to him, you slept with someone else. I would be angry too if a guy I had started dating secretly hired a prostitute to sleep with because he had performance anxiety. I would feel betrayed to be honest, even if I weren't yet exclusive with the guy. Sex with a prostitute is RISKY.
There are two issues at play here. I don't think prostitution is the domain of men only (this guy paid for sex too), but I would be very uncomfortable if, while I was in the picture, I found out that the guy I was interested in paid for sex or had a one night stand. I would have been angry, to be honest, because the way the relationship was progressing would have led me to believe that this guy was really into me.
It's one thing to be 100% single and pay for sex. I look at that as the same as a one night stand. You have needs and you fulfilled them. Prostitution is not just for guys to indulge in. It's just that I would be too uncomfortable knowing that while someone was professing feelings for me, my feelings flying for him, talking about sex, and how beautiful or hot the other is, and while I was dreaming out being with him and basking in the anticipation of being in his arms, knowing that his reaction to it is to hire a prostitute and jump into her arms behind my back. I wouldn't buy your reasons. I would wonder if you'd do that after the relationship got exclusive.
I think this isn't about prostitution or male escorts. I think you're not ready to be in a relationship and are protecting yourself. I think that you are building a wall up in your heart, and this seeing an escort is an outward symptom of that. Why else would you tell him about this if you didn't want to have some sort of control over the direction of this relationship?
You're not a freak, but you have baggage. Seeing a male escort is fine and just as acceptable as when a guy does it, but under these conditions, if it were my love interest and we were starting a new relationship and I found this out, it would be a deal breaker to me.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 July 2012):
 I don't see you as a freak. I don't quite get it, personally, but I would say the same to a guy.
Talk to him. I do agree that he most likely is more shocked then anything. It might have been a thing better left unsaid honestly.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2012): It's interesting, this is a bit of a gender reversal. Its usually women who find men with a history of hiring escorts so objectionable.
If your BF has hired an escort himself then I think that pretty much removes his room to complain.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2012): Freak?
Au contraire lady, you might be my hero for the day. Every male who's admitted on the site to using a prostitute always apologizes for it beforehand. You are the first who hasn't and has convincingly and honestly explained exactly what you wanted from it.
"Why didn't you just go down the pub and have a one night stand?" Because it's tiresome, dangerous, and it would probably make you a "slut" in his eyes anyways. He's frustrated, because he doesn't know what your pragmatism makes you.
I think your 100 percent right in identifying your boyfriends issue and if he's done exactly the same thing, then you have nothing to apologize to him for.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (10 July 2012):
 I don't think you're a freak at ALL. I completely understand. Your logic makes sense, and I think that for the situation, who can blame you? This is one of those double standard things, because a guy wouldn't be able to get away with this quite as easily. Or, at least we'd give him more hell. For you? Sounds reasonable to me!
I think your boyfriend is just shocked. It's not very heard of, women going to male escorts - it happens plenty, but it's not talked about very much... it's very taboo. And so, I'm sure that your boyfriend is pretty confused. However, he really isn't in a position to talk. I mean, he messed around with prostitutes himself!
I think he just needs some time to get over this. How long has it been since you told him?
I really think if your relationship is that great, then he's just going to have to get over this. There's no point in jealousy now. Like you said, this was the cleanest, simplest decision. Going down to a pub is a skeazey thing to do, you don't know who the hell you're going to pick up, they could be slimeballs who never stop calling you, or it could be the other way round - it could be some super sexy guy who pleasures you endlessly and you would have never found the guy you're with now.
He just needs to get over it. Best of luck to you both!
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