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My boyfriend smokes while he's away at school! What can I do about this?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Long distance, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 April 2006) 10 Answers - (Newest, 3 November 2006)
A female , *hunky_monkey writes:

My boyfriend and I of almost 2 years have hit a rough patch. He went away to school about 5 hours away. Nothing seemed wrong at all the first 4 months of him being away. I thought we were closer and on the same page. As It turns out we weren't The past 3 months I have been finding out something new every month of something that happened up there. Each time he promised that nothing else bad happened up there. There is nothing to worry about. I one i was just told about was that he has been offered every so often cigarette by his friend that smokes and accepted them. It last 4 months before he came to the conclusion that they are bad for you. Never once during these four months did he even try to tell me. It makes me feel sick of the thought of him smoking during the day and seeing me on the weekend. I don't like smokers and he knew. he told me he has some few and far between but since christmas he stopped. I have gotten past the whole angry and yelling at him. Now I can't forget, everytime i see someone smoking I think about my boyfriend smoking and then i tell him about it. He gets defensive and guilty. Sure he should feel guilty because his decision are the reason why i am upset but i hate to see him this way. I feel betrayed for months and have lost my trust in him while he is at school. I feel like our relationship was somewhat based on a lie since he went to school. I don't at all trust him around his smoking friend and i dislike his friend that smokes. I know that if it wasn't for the friend my boyfriend wouldn't have smoked. I know he did it to be "social" and fit in. I have no trust in the friend.I am stuck with idea on how to trust my boyfriend again. He kepts on saying i know in your heart you want to trust me, i give you my word it won't happened again. But how am i supposed to know when I am not there. He told me he couldn't lie to me if it happened again. But I worry it will happen again and he won't tell me to not make me upset. I want to some how limit the chances of this happening again. I have asked my boyfriend to not be be around his friend when he is smoking. But I still feel insecrute. I don't know what method to use to somehow make sure he isn't without making it seem like i am checking up on him. I don't know how to give him back my trust. The one this i know is i want to fix our relationship and he does too. Can someone please help?

View related questions: christmas, smokes

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2006):

Hi i did the same i lied to my boyfriend said i wasnt smokin but i had a fag or two & he found out.. i deeply regret it & i disobaid ma boyfriends trust.. i cnt get him 2 trust me no more & i no i will neva lie to him agen & i havnt either.. i did it becuz i cnt take people tellin me to do something & i thought no.. y should i.. buh now i undastand it was only cuz he cared & would neva do it agen maybe if u say u found out & maybe cleared the air with him 4 a bit he'll undastand if he loves you like i love my boyfriend he wont do it again but if he does then it aint worth it.. ANywayz have you got any tips for me to rebuild my trust again with my boyfriend x.x.x

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A female reader, willywombat United Kingdom +, writes (6 April 2006):

willywombat agony auntNo.

It has to come from you.

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A female reader, chunky_monkey +, writes (6 April 2006):

chunky_monkey is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Is there anything at all that could work to help me regain trust in him?

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A female reader, willywombat United Kingdom +, writes (5 April 2006):

willywombat agony auntThat is something you ahve to address from inside yourself. Do you feel you can trust him again? Nobody can tell you how...other than to have faith in him, or not as the case may be.

Sorry

x

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A female reader, chunky_monkey +, writes (5 April 2006):

chunky_monkey is verified as being by the original poster of the question

how can i regain trust in him though?

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A female reader, willywombat United Kingdom +, writes (5 April 2006):

willywombat agony auntThats the point I am making. You never know if somebody is completely telling the truth I am afraid. It comes down to trust. But if he says one thing and does another then this is a trust issue and I find that difficult to advise on. You are over reacting as you cannot control another persons behaviours, so you cannot actually MAKE him stop. He will probably grow out of this filthy habit, but you can't make that decision for him he has to do it himself. Kepp your chin up honey, there are worse things he could be doing.

x

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A female reader, chunky_monkey +, writes (5 April 2006):

chunky_monkey is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I care about him too much to watch him slowly commit suicide. He told me he quit before christmas break but just told me about it recently. How do i know he is telling the truth now about not smoking. I need a way to regain trust in him again but i don't know what. If you do please tell me. Thanks

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A female reader, willywombat United Kingdom +, writes (5 April 2006):

willywombat agony auntIf he wishes to commit suicide slowly by smoking cigarettes there is nothing you can do about it I am afraid. Just point out how disgusting it is to be kissing an ashtray, how many other things there are that are better to spend your money on and how uncool and idiotic it looks.

x

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A female reader, chunky_monkey +, writes (5 April 2006):

chunky_monkey is verified as being by the original poster of the question

The problem is that he didn't tell me be smoked and decided for himself before telling me that it was bad. I just feel like trust was betrayed and i don't know how to regain it. I don't trust his friend that gave him the smokes around him. What should i do.

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A female reader, Aunt Audrey United Kingdom +, writes (5 April 2006):

Aunt Audrey agony auntWe all know the dangers of smoking and so no doubt does your boyfriend.

We can make a choice with the given information, to smoke or not to smoke.

I know you obviously do not want your boyfriend to smoke, and so he should respect your wishes when he's with you and refrain from doing so, but I think there is little you can do to stop him when he is not around you.

If you do not want a boyfriend that smokes then dump the one you have,and get a non smoker. Your constant nagging will either drive him away anyway or make him smoke more.

I think you're over reacting and if he wants to stop he will, back off a bit.

Good luck.

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