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female
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anonymous
writes: My husband of one month says he really loves me but has huge hang ups about my past. About 20 years ago I slept with a married man and then I had a relationship with a man who was seperated from his wife and we had a son now 15, we are still on good terms and he lives with a new partner now and they are happy. I had a 3 year on off relationship with an abusive man and had a daughter now 5 , and then met my husband who is a lovely kind man and has never been married or has children [hes 42] ,we had known each other for years as friends. Its tragic that when hes overseas at work he becomes so depressed and cant sleep thinking about what I have done in the past although I try to say to him that the past has brought me here to him and has changed me into the kind of person I am as I am sorry for my past mistakes [ both my lovely children were accidents] as he continuously says if id met him and had other children with him it would have all been perfect. He knew all thi when he married me, what ever can I do to make him happy, he loves me but he says he could love me so much more if I had been perfect and not had a horrible past . Please please someone help me out as I cant discuss it with my friends he would hate to think i was talkking about our relationship to them
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female
reader, sanda +, writes (30 May 2006):
Hello again,
it has been about 1 month since I was last on here and things are still the same. I am not having a baby though. My husband was nice to me when he was home but now hes away its just the same, he says he cant love me because of my past, and when he is home he likes to relate everyday things to my past ,for instance if I do something careless when we are working to gether or if I do something hasty he gets annoyed more than he should and then admits its because it reminds him of me making stupid mistakes in my past and rushing into relationships. So I cant escape it .
Now he is away its worse again and I just think we should end it as he says hes so unhappy and then he says he would be as unhappy if we split as he is now which seems that he cant care for me at all. I want to stay with him and I just want him to love me for who I am and if he has married me he should realise that he is destroying us , yet when I say that he just blames me for destroying us by the things I have done in the past
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2006): Hello, to the "bad husband" as you posted yourself! I´m Dolores. Traveling to Russia is a long way home. You are saying that you hate what your wife has done, on your words! Last time you wrote, you said that "it was to late", ¿late of falling in love with the wrong woman? ¿late because you knew her past life & you fall in love & got married at 41? You are not going no where with all of this words! Let me tell you that for experience going to a marriage adviser will not help if you don´t help yourself first. I don´t have kids because of my problem plus more problems of my husband´s family has came up. Having a baby has to be born of a happy relationship, not just to have a child and see if having it will change in a positive way the relationship! I have lived with my husband trying to make him happy, accepting his life terms, make everything great. But I just can´t do it anymore. I am tired of being somebody that he wants me to be: a perfect wife! I am not perfect and no one is, but just to be with my husband and try to make him forget my past has agonize me. My advice, for your both mental well being I suggest to get a divorce. That´s the final step. You just think about you wife´s past life constantly and that is not healthy, that is making you very unhappy while being with her. You could have days that you are happy with her and others not, but is a negative line that will hunt you. Please think about it & wishing you all the best. Keep us posted. Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2006): Hi its the bad husband again, thanks for your help so far.Dolores I work away as my wofe says one month at a time in Russia. I do not discuss the issue with my co-workers because I do not want them to know about my wives past, they only know all the nice things like why i love her and the person she is today. I hate being haunted by her past because it makes me desperately unhappy and in turn it makes my wife unhappy. I just cannot believe she did these things in her past without regards to other peoples feelings (mainly wives and children). She is standing up to her last ex. now and trying to stop him taking advantage which is helping us to get him out of our lives although he will never completely go because he is the father of one of my wives children.Irish I really think I need to listen to what you are saying and I need to make a "choice" to stop being unhappy about it and try and move on and stop trying to blame my wife for making us unhappy by her past. We need to take counselling to learn how to do this. We are still not sure we have a baby yet and I am sure if we do it will make us think of the future not the past. I am still ate the other side of the world and we will not know for sure for some time yet. I really do want to make this work for all of us and when we are together and I am home we are very happy almost all the time so we should not throw it away.Thanks for your help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2006): I've been reading your thread here about your problem with your husband and I really just wanted to pop in and say a few things. Let me start by stating that everyone wants to be happy in their life and relationships, but don't really know how. Your husband's is hanging onto this toxic crap way too long..and you need to 1) get over your self-imposed guilt and 2) start setting boundries with your husband. Tell him the subject is closed..end of discussion. Your husband needs to know he has a choice...start caring about the marriage and working on his own inner, 'insecurity' issues, or the marriage will end up in a divorce court. It is true that we teach people how to treat us. If you have let him get away with treating you badly for your marriage, up to now, then it's going to take some time to change things. If you have allowed it to go on for this long, how is he supposed to know he should change his attitudes? It sounds easier than it is, but it's tough. I suggest you get some counseling to learn how to communciate to him effectively and strongly. All of us come into a relationship with excess baggage, things we would like to change and experiences we wish had never happened. His support, his respect, his tenderness and love has the ability to heal your wounds. I really am wondering 'why' he's wasting this opportunity. You need a husband who loves you for the woman you are...today. He should love you, unconditionally, no matter your past. Something has to be done before you bring this new baby into your family.
Your husband is experiencing serious trust and respect issues with you. Trust/respect is foundational in a happy marriage. Your husband is in a 'blaming mode'..he can't shake it off. He has to change his attitude of 'how' he views YOU. The past is over and it cannot ever be changed. His inability to forget your past, is his choice and this is his problem..he owns it. If you both don't learn about effective, mature communication skills, all you will have is continued disappointment, loneliness and hurt feelings. From my standpoint, your marriage is sinking. If he doesn't want to help himself and he eventually walks, I can guarantee, that if he will be forever searching for that "perfect woman" who simply doesn't exist. I really wish you the best dear..and I am truely sorry you are enduring this. But life happiness is 'choices'..maybe he should start taking responsibility for his own individual happiness. It'll take one simple thing...a change of attitude. Good luck to you both, dear.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2006): Hello, I am Dolores again!!! Maybe you have asked, ¿why is this woman trying to help me? Because of I have wrote before, I am living the same thing with my husband of ten years! Everybody that I have talked about my problem, have said to me lo leave him, but as yourself: I love him & so afraid to leave. Maybe because of my age, I am 40 & believe that I won´t find another man to love me or many things come to my mind of my future. But in your case, you still got married and won´t get so attach at him. ¿In what country does your husband travels? ¿Do you believe he talks with his co-workers about his problem? Think about it! Wishing you all the best! Keep us posted! The best of luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2006): Thank you Dolores,
I know you are right my past will haunt him and he will always have issues and be unhappy . I have no idea what to do now, he is seperate from me a month at a time by his work abroad and it is in these times he is most unhappy ,when he cant see me, I wish there was an answer for us
thanks x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2006): I´m Dolores and what I have read it makes me believe that there is no way for you or your husband to live a separate life for a while. That is great that you are pregnant! Maybe with a baby everything can change; but I believe that you are forcing a life that it can´t be. For your husband, your past will hunt him! I just wish you all the best and be strong!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2006): Hello Dolores,I had better stay anon just now as the upset wife of my unhappy husband who is far way justnow and still depresed about my past and only today sent me a text expressing his disgust and hate of the things I have done.Sadly now I know Im pregnant,it will be confirmed tomorrow at the doctors but I am 99% sure, I can only see a life of this ahead and dont know how to make it better as I cant change my past and I love him but to be hurt so often cannot be good for me and my childrenthank you for your advice I cannot get away as I have too many commitments with work and my children
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2006): Hi there:Again I am writing! the anonymous female writer! My name is Dolores. I wrote your wife because I have been living for 10 years a very unhappy experience with my husband remembering my past; as you said: "when you get mad". He does the same thing, for me it has been a horrible life of unsecurities that if I stay in this relationship will go on and on...I thought that at 30 I found "the love of my life", but I commited a huge mistake. I love him, maybe he does love me by his way. Having kids will not solve a marriage life that began as not trusting your wife! Please think about it. If not, why you don´t go away for a while and think it over?. Maybe the distance can change you! Good Luck and keep us posted!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2006): Ok I am the bad new husband in all this and I am not as bad as it sounds. I do not bring up the issue every day only maybe every 7-10 days when I get upset by it because it is always on my mind that my wife and I never got together when we were younger when it would have been easier because we did know each other but I did not make nay moves because I thought she was married which she was not. I did not know all about these things when we met again and got together recently and fell in love and I asked her to marry me. It was after that that I was told the whole truth about the other married men and the broken family No.2. But it was too late as i was in love and I thought if we married all wold be OK and it is getting better. I do love her and want to make her happy and live together for ever but it the thoughts of her past spoil it for me and the fact that if I had not been so righteous back then and had asked her out I could have helped her avpid all the mistakes except the first one and we would be som much happier together now. I really want to make it work and make her happy but she gets really unhappy when she knows I am not happy. I waited 41 years to meet the right woman to marry and have children and did not want it to be like this for both of us. Please help us to be happy and forget the past.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2006): Hi again! I am the anonymous writer that I gave you a little example of my life! I read what you put on April 8th. And it seems to me that you feel very guilty of your past, but it CAN´T BE CHANGE! Your husband seems that he will never forget what you told him about yourself! Why did he married you? I don´t think he loves you, love is a beautiful word that only the ones that can give love can say it or give! For your own personal happiness, I think you shouldn´t spend a second with him. He will never trust you! Mentally he is telling you every day of your past that he can´t stand. You are still young at 43, you can look for a better gentlemen that can accept you of who you are and not bothering you about your past. Like I wrote you before, living with a unsecured man that will agonize you will be hell, I am telling because of my experience! Wishing you the very best! Keep us posted!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2006): Hello Aunt Audrey and anon
It was me who recently posted anonomously about my husband going through a very bad time when he is overseas and not with me, dwelling on my past and becoming very depressed which in turn effects me as I know we should be happy .
I showed him your reply and he said I had not fully explained that he is not jelous of my past but that it 'disgusts him that his wife could do these things' He said I had not explained that the 1st married man I slept with I actually slept with him about 30 timesover a three year period and he commited suicide 4 months after the last time I slept with him leaving a young family although I had not seen him in that time. Also that the father of my son who is 15 was still married when I met him with two children although our relationship did not begin untill afterwards , but I made him leave his wife. Then when we seperated I slept with the builder who was buillding my house despote knowing his wife. The last one that upsets my husband was a 'low life' who was unemployed and not the type of man my husband likes and i told him he was never even boyfriend material but I got pregnant and let him move into my house and he stayed with me for a year and a half before moving back into his caravan beside my house and I still slept with him even although I did not love him just to keep him quiet. In my own defence I would say that I was very happy with my sons father and we had a good 5 years and we are still friends and he is happy with a woman who likes the same things as he does now, his original wife remarried. I was very immature with the 1st one and he was obsessed with me and I stll believe he killed himself because he was clinically depressed and those around him did not help him , I was not his girlfriend at that time and had seen him once in 8 months when he was very depressed. I tried to make it work with my little girl's father but after a while he moved back into a caravan on my land and refused to leave even although he knew it was over as he wanted to be near his daughter so I let the years pass although I was very unhappy but wanted him and his daughter to be near each other. Unfortunately he caused a big scene the first time my husband came to visit that ended up with my husband and I as witnesses in court. Now this is all a gloss over off my life that distresses my husband so much but I have to say to him over and over again I am not that person anymore. Im 43 now and have learnt the values of family life and want stability more than anything for myself and my children , but he will not let it rest and brings it all up every day and at every reminder and its terrible as it is going to destroy us if I let it. Sorry to take up so much of your time, I thought I would be better to explain more clearly why my past disgusts him and he cant stop thinking about it I know it all really hurts him.
I have happy memories but feel very guilty but had tried hard to forget and move on, but it seems I will never be allowed to
thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2006): It seems that you are very worried! Let me tell you my story! I met my husband in 1995, we were 30 and 31 years old. At that time I used to go and have a good time with my friends, boyfriends...Then I wanted to meet more guys and I turned to the newspaper and went to some dating clubs. There I meet some nice men, on one club I met my husband. Everything was going fine. After three months of dating, he ask me to marry him. Then after having all the plans to get married, he comes at my house and tells that the marriage is off because some of his friends told him that I was going to other dating clubs and I went out with some of them. I accept that is true, but maybe those guys lied to be about where they were working. So we left each other for about three months and then talked about it well and finally we got married in May 1996. After almost 10 years of marriage it has been hell for me! My husband always looks at me bad when we pass near a familiar place that his friends told him about it or he remembers a name of some guy, etc...He doesn´t leave me alone much, if someone calls and is a wrong number, he thinks that is someone I know. It´s horrible!!! All his negative past memories of us will hunt him forever and and I should have stop this long time ago because is hell! First of all, you should talk to your husband and explain to him that this kind of negative reaction of him thinking about your past will lead him to unhappiness. If he thinks about that is because he will never trust you!!! Second, be frontal and even if you have a month of being married, tell him that if he doesn´t change, you will leave him! I am telling you, it is not happy living with that pain. Your past is yours, you can´t change it!!! Your two kids are yours, and thank God for them! I hope you think it over and will make a good decision for yourself. Good Luck!!!
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female
reader, Aunt Audrey  +, writes (4 April 2006):
 If he knew of your past when he married you I can't see where the problem is, after all the past is past and should be left there, if it is causing him so much turmoil why marry you in the first place..... does he worry about your past all the time or mainly when he's away? It seems he is a little insecure.
You cannot change your past, he must see that, and I'm sure given time, and lots of love from you he will become more secure in the relationship and eventually see that your past has no relevance to your future with him.
Had you of met him first, there is nothing to say everything would have been perfect, the things that have happened to you throughout your life has shaped you into the person you are today, the person he has fallen in love with.
I'm sure you will both be fine once he stops fretting over something he knows can't be changed.
Maybe going to see a professional would help, marriage guidance could help put things into perspective for him.
I'm sure you have many years together ahead of you.
Good luck.x
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