A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,My (ex)boyfriend just admitted that he secretly recorded an audio file of an argument that occured three weeks ago and was resolved. Today, he was angry with me and told me that he found my reaction on that audio file unbelievably ridiculous.I feel very disrespected. I did not see it coming from him because he usually treats me very nice. It scares me because I did not notice him using his phone to record!? It's so sneaky... Am I right?I have some anger issues and our personalities clash causing a lot of arguments over minor things.We are on a break now and I need advice: Can I forgive him for audio taping our argument? I did not hear the tape myself but I think he must have been provoking me or something? Can I confront him about this and ask him if he could stop taping me secretly or is this absolutely not done? I don't know what to do because it has never happened to me before! I don't know how many times he has recorded us. He did assure me that he did NOT send this particular file to anyone as it was for his own reference. I don't think he wants to be with me very badly at this point because of our arguments but he said that he loved me and cried when we broke. But I really want to know is this is forgiveable? If not, can you please tell me why? And if yes, can you please what you would say to him please?I really don't know what to think. I am so confused!Thanks for your help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank everyone for their help :)
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (2 January 2014):
 It IS illegal to record a conversation without the other party agreeing to it. There is no consent here.
Secondly, I will agree that if he recorded this, what else might he record for whatever reason.
Thirdly, you need to focus on your anger issues, not getting him back or "forgiving" this.
I can see (in theory) why he recorded you (if you really are out of bounds when you argue) but he should have said I think you need to listen to yourself and figure out a way to deal with this because I will not allow you to treat me this way when we argue. Instead he used it as ammo. To get back at you. I wouldn't be surprised if he did he best to rile you up good for the recording, making YOU look as bad as possible and him less bad. This is why I say, I think YOU need to deal with your anger issues WITHOUT being involved with anyone, relationship wise. Once you have that under control you can consider starting to date again.
Maybe this was a wake up call for you. One that you needed.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 January 2014):
 There's one more thing here, and I hesitated to mention it before...
If he has been secretly recording your arguments and keeping them for "his own reference", what the hell is he referencing, and I would immediately wonder what else he is recording without my permission, like sex tapes...
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 January 2014):
My best advice to you would be to talk to a lawyer or solicitor, because when I did research into the criminal and civil legality of secretly recording conversations, the laws in my country and in the world are all across the board, ranging from allowed because one member of the party consented to electronic voyeurism which is civilly and criminally actionable. I couldn't come up with anything definitive for the Netherlands on my own, so that's where you come in to do your research.
As far as the morality of what he did, I'd be pissed too. Conversations are private affairs, and what he did was bait you into melting down upon command by pushing your buttons deliberately. The fact that you have anger issues is a separate issue, and if you do have them, you need to get help dealing with them, because verbal and emotional and/or physical abuse is not allowable by any standards. Using him as an emotional punching bag is not cool, but his proper move would have been to call you on it and break up with you if he couldn't live with it.
Now you're on break. Best thing to do is break up altogether, find out what your rights under the state are, and take legal action based on the law of the land. I'd follow up, hire a lawyer and get a court order to have all of his copies of the conversation destroyed and a restraining order banning him from broadcasting that publicly or privately.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 January 2014):
 So the reaction was that you broke up with him over this and is contemplating whether to take him back. When you said resolved I assumed it means you found out the reason he was doing this?
I don't think he did anything wrong. When people are arguing and emotions overcloud our judgment, words run out of our mouths faster than we can think. So recording a conversation can help to revisit it and analyze it better when you calm down. He did not do it to provoke you. What he's doing is unusual, but in a good way. When he cried it showed that he loves you and wants to work on the relationship. It's possible he did this to reveal how unreasonable you were when arguing. If that's the only way to make you see the truth so be it, he thought.
The next thing you say to him should be about whether you still have the desire to be with him, and what you think the solution is, to prevent future arguments because what you say impulsively cannot be taken back. Even if it's not stored in an audio device it would be imprinted in the memory.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (2 January 2014):
 First up I would have thought secretly recording somebody was illegal. You could verify this with the relevant authorities and then if necessary remind him of the fact, and advise what could happen if he shares the recording.
If you have anger issues maybe you should ask if you could listen to the recording, it could be a major wake up call for you, your having anger issues does not negate anything you may say, you cannot pull out the 'oh I have anger issues which made me say that", because that is just BS.
But to answer your question, yes, I would feel disrespected. Maybe your anger issues are getting between you and your boyfriend (now ex) more than your personality clashes.
If your ex boyfriend has been exposed to your 'anger issues' more than a few times I can certainly understand his impulse to record you in full flight.
As to the forgiving, I don't know what prompted him to record you, I probably would forgive if it was a once off, but if he had been recording me secretly more than once it would be a deal breaker.
Honestly though, I would ask if I could listen to the recording, if you are courageous enough, you might be unpleasantly surprised, and maybe give you impetus to get rid of your 'anger issues' before you consider reconciling or finding a new boyfriend.
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