A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, please help, i am fuming! My bf does shift work and he has a responsible role. This year will be our first proper Xmas togther. Let me explain...last year he decided to work a night shift on Xmas day. This meant i got to see him for a round two hours xmas day, where i turned up to his before he went off to do his night shift( we werent living tother at this stage). He came home around 7am and went to bed. i cooked and we spent some time togther with him getting up around 2pm but he was knackered and he kept falling asleep and i felt we didnt get to spend any quality time togther so it wasnt great. Anyway, this year we live togther and i knew he was going to have to work xmas so we agreed he would work the 24th, 25th early shifts meaning he would be home by 3pm and that he would have the 26th off and the 27th. Boxing day we've arranged for family to come over that's me, him, 7 adults and 6 kids. The 27th is my birthday. So tonight he drops the bombshell that he has got to work night shifts over Xmas, basically the 22nd, 23rd, 24th, 25th. This means he will be sleeping until the afternoon. He says he will force himself to get up around 11am on the 25th and 26th, but he will be exhausted!! Plus he will be working a night shift xams day AGAIN!! I am not happy at all. I feel this has totally ruined Xmas. Basically he is a nurse, and he got a phone call the other day saying that no-one else could do the shifts so he agreed to do the shifts! But he is a charge nurse!! I am furious for two reasons - one that Xmas will be rubbish again and he will be exhaused, grumpy and unable to drink some of the time due to going to work the next day. And two - i feel that his colleagues are being totally unfair as none of them have genuine reasons to not say they cant do it, they just dont want to and are getting away with it. he is a people pleaser at work, he struggles to say no,and althought he has an incredible work ethic, i worry he does too much and that he is heading for a major burn out. Also, deep down, and these are my insecurities around the situation, i cant help feeling that he isnt bothered about spending any quality time with me and that special time togther over xmas isnt abig deal to him. We will still get to have a family day togther on the 26th, and we will be togtehr on my birthday but other than that it seems there is very little QT to be had. I know loads of families are in this predicament - those in the forces, policemen, and like my bf, nurses. But i still cant help thikning that if he REALLY wanted to spend Xmas with me, he would tell them he cant do all the shifts. Afterall, all his other colleagues have managed to swerve doing the nightshifts. Also this is not the first time he has agreed to do shifts without discussing it with me. What do you all think' is he doing this to avoid spending time with me or is he being a responsible worker? I feel really sad that this has happened and for me at the moment what i am hugely feeling at the monet is 'WHAT ABOUT ME AND MY NEEDS!!??' I get the impression from what he has told me that he will end up doing the shifts as the woman will tell him that no-one else can do them. If it was me i would be saying 'well neither can I, and that is that!'I would appreciate it very much if you would tell me if i need to support him in this and that i am being unreasonable and childish as i do have atendency to be demanding at times, and needy (so i've been told by a few boyfriends!). Any solutions/thought/opinions would be helpful right now as we have just had a massive argument where he says that i am being unreasonable. I think he feels unsupported but at the same time its almost impossible for me to support this decision when my emotions are running high and i am feeling paranoid that he has done this on purpose so a to no spend much time over Xmas with me. For the record, NYE is going to be spent the two of us going out for a meal but the main objective as far as he is concerned is to meet up with his friends from work and their girlfriends (none of them are my friends) quite early after that and drink. This was organised wihtout my consent too. He has agreed that we can meet up with some of my freinds too at some point. Agian, is there are problem with me, that i cant just go along with this and be happy, but again i feel outraged! There was a time when i just felt happy to be with him and go along with whatver he wnated to do, becuase i was just happy to be with him but now it seems like there is always a power struggle if he suggests doing something i tend to find somehting about it that i dont like unless it falls in to what i want to do. I dont think our relationship will last much longer if i dont start to compromise alot, but there is a part of me that feels like i am a doormat if i compromise too much. I mean, NYE will probably be okay, and we'll probably have fun, and at the end of the day, if i'm not with him i will probably get bored and drunk someone else and miss him?Re the Xmas arrangments, should i just go along with it? I'm so disappointed!! To be honest, I think he is only be able to go to bed for a round 2 hours as his masive family and my mum are coming over and we have so much prep and cooking to do. .Please help, i'm so angry but i so want to be laid back around this!! I am starting to think that i am quite a hard work person to be with, he tells me i am more and more as he wants me to be more supportive of his decisons, but i find instead that i just feel upset and stuggle to go along with things when they dont go my way. your thoughts??....perspective from both genders would help me get perspective. Thanks for reading.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2011): At least you still see him even if it's not on Xmas! My boyfriends away October till February in Iraq...So I miss Xmas,new year and valentines day but am ok with that because he's working,He was depressed when he had no job after the army but he's back,Its him who misses Xmas and other things and he's family as well...Can't be that bad for you...Be more supportive and don't nag because you will just make things worse!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 November 2011):
 I see you being upset more about the fact that he does not ASK you how you feel about making plans more than the actual plans themselves... (possibly because you would not be cooperative about it)
you complain that he made these plans for Christmas AND NYE so it's not JUST about Xmas that he makes plans without consulting you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): I had a hard time reading this post. So much anger. I was thinking if I was the BF...and all I heard was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG and felt, UNLOVED, UNAPPRECIATED, UNSUPPORTED- just like how you decide to feel about it all.I wanted to log off. Seriously. So much negativity.Okay so how about you now, re post and speak up about your BF. What makes you feel so in love with this man? What amazes you about him?How does it make you feel to remember the why you love him and realize that you HAVE someone to love and be in love with at Christmas? The positive side and with it, invite back in positive energy.I say, as a goal, try to get out of victim mode and get proactive and tell yourself 'I'm still going to make the best of this Christmas and what time I do have with him.'I can't make him do anything BUT, I can make the home a loving one where he will WANT to spend more time at home.Also I agree with the one Aunt that if you want a Man around that can actually spend more time at home- then you need to date someone with that type of job that supports that or you will keep setting yourself up for a fall.Its all about attitude so tweak yours.Also see a counselor so you can discuss and vent and get it all out as the BF may have had enough of your venting. Talking to someone, face to face, does wonders and it shouldn't always have to be the BF.I think EVERYONE should have a counselor. Because Counselors don't have to take on the burden and be over loaded like a loving, trusted close friend, partner. And they can put it in better perspective. And its easier to hear about someone elses shortcomings which makes it easier to be a better listener and they are better able to offer fair advice/counsel.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): Hey Babes my hb has been working shifts for the entire time i have known him: over 21 years. We are now married for 20 yrs and bec of his work schedule he has missed birthdays, anniversaries and other special days. I understand bec its work! U need to grow up and understand that your man has a job at least, millions will kill for any job right now.Yes xmas is special BUT so too is providing food on that table.I earn more than my hb, i am in the legal industry and i RESPECT the fact he he has to work. Yes it does put a strain on the relationship but such Is life: get used to it, compromise, and start thinking about his feelings as well.Xmas and other festivities has to be managed properly.Ive got friends and family who work in emergency services who do work through these special days. Its part of life. Plse grow up honey bear, its only one day .NB as i write this, my hb is on his 12 hour night shift, hes gonna be dog tired tomorrow morning again, will have a quick bite to eat and then he will sleep until the afternoon..... LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (16 November 2011):
You are only going to have a bad Christmas if you make it so. Chill out and help him enjoy it too. If you have issue about how other things are organised then talk openly about it. Sounds like he is hard working and responsible about his job, you really can't criticise him for that. I suggest you wait for him to arrive home on xmas day, make love, and make sure he has a really good sleep and you will have a great time.
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A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (16 November 2011):
I'm actually going to disagree with what most of the other people are saying.
I'm currently studying to go into nursing, and what I have seen is that generally the holidays especially christmas/new year's, no one really wants to work. So there generally is some sort of scheduling such that people don't have to work all of the holiday days, and that they don't have to do it year after year. Because otherwise it isn't fair. So I actually find it odd that he's stuck working both the 24th and 25th evening shifts. Essentially he has no christmas eve and can't have christmas dinner either. Now, if he had just gone into this job, I wouldn't be so surprised that he got shafted into it, but he seems to have been there some time, and should be able to get one of the main holiday days free.
I don't know if there is not enough staffing at all, or if there is and your boyfriend just took on the shifts because he felt bad for them. Anyways, it's a good thing that he's a nice guy, but he doesn't have to take everything on himself. However, if you yell at him for doing this and he complies, all he would be doing is shifting his people pleasing from his coworkers to you. So you need to talk to him about whether he really wants to work those days or whether he has a problem saying no. Don't let your wants/needs/desires get into this conversation, make it about him. If he says that he does feel bad about saying no, you can try to support him in doing better in the future.
But yes, you will be disappointed a lot when with someone in a job as a nurse. Long shifts, odd shifts, working holidays, weekends, etc etc. And I know how you feel. My boyfriend is in the army, so he's missed valentine's, our anniversary, thanksgiving, etc etc. And it really is lonely to be by yourself at those times. But remember, he's by himself at those times too, working. So enjoy the rest of the times. I was really sad this year that he was on duty for thanksgiving day. But I saw him the days after, and it's just one day after all, we can always be thankful any other day of the year.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): Your definately being unreasonable - he has a job to do, and luckily for the patients he's prepared to do it over Christmas. He sounds great to me.
I have worked the seasonal shifts and on nights too, in a nursing home. We either did Christmas or New year. These places can't shut down can they? People need them 365 days a year.I had young children at the time too.
You can go to his or your family - why on earth invite them all to yours when your fella is going to be exhausted?
Sounds to me like you can't cope with his job or his routine and aren't that keen on his friends either.Instead of demanding and getting angry why not be understanding - you can go out with your friends Christmas eve, go to family Christmas day for dinner and celebrate your birthday with him.
Or just finish the relationship and find yourslef a nice 9-5 er.....
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (16 November 2011):
 So tonight he drops the bombshell that he has got to work night shifts over Xmas...
Doesn't sound like he has a choice. Guy has to work, or he will get the sack and be unemployed. Maybe you need to date someone else, whose hours suit you better. So what he's a charge nurse, he doesn't own the hospital, and if there isn't anyone else available, he has to work, or patients will die and get sick. Sure it sucks, but if you want a guy who can spend quality time with you, don't choose nurses, doctors or people who work long hours. He cares about his job, and he cares about people. Next time you have to go to hospital, be grateful there are people like him. I am glad you are not in nursing, all the patients would be dead.
Sorry babes, but I do feel, for a 30year old woman, you sound a bit childish and selfish. Xmas is just a day, it's not the most important thing in life. I've had to work Christmas, and so have people in my family. I couldn't stay with someone who had a meltdown when I had to go to work. Arrange another family thing when he can get the time off to relax and enjoy the company.
Be very careful, a man with a responsible stressful job, can get very irritated with a selfish demanding girlfriend. Please try to grow up a little. It doesn't really sound like you want a boyfriend, it sounds like you want someone to boss around, and a relationship like this would drain anybody. You need to work out what you want. Do you want to be single, and a demanding Diva. Or do you want to be in a proper relationship, which demands compromise, understanding and sometimes sacrifices?
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A
female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (16 November 2011):
 I can see that christmas is important to you, but he is in the medical profession, and yes you are being a bit unreasonable in this. As you said many people are in your position. My brother has children, and he has spent about 2 christmas's at home with his wife and children twice in their 20 years of marriage. It isn't fair, but recently when they downsized at his place of work, the people who refused to work were made redundant, and he is the only still working with the company. Cut him some slack, and support him, he has a hard job which lives depend upon. Instead of focusing on how mad it makes you, try working on your insecurities and working with him to make what time he has off special. My brother and his wife do this very regularly, and have had wonderful memories. It may be postponing christmas for a day or so, but it can still be special. I do think you are being a bit unreasonable in this, he is trying to compromise and your deciding that christmas is ruined regardless, that doesn't sound like it's keeping in the christmas spirit either. Relax, he is working and trying to build a future for you both, not trying to hide or avoid you. Show him support and understanding, and show him what a wonderful woman he is in-love with. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 November 2011):
 I think your bf is a great guy,with a strong work ethic , a generous heart, and his priority straight.
Xmas after all is not supposed to be about stuffing yourself with food, and getting plastered with drinks- shouldn't it be about extending love care and good will to those who need it ? This is exactly what he is doing in the real Xmas spirit. He is not neglecting you either, he is making an effort to wake up early two days in a row, and, if I got it right , you still have two full days ,Boxing day and your birthday, to celebrate big time with him and your family- I'd say he's doing his best and you should appreciate that .
Maybe he is a bit of a pushover at work, you know what, we need more pushovers like him. That his colleagues are doing somersaults in order to get away from work shifts and spend Xmas getting drunk and wearing Santa hats- it just shows that they are regular people while your bf is OUTSTANDING. Be proud of him and don't spoil his Xmas with your me me me recriminations .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): I think that people should not have to chose between a career and a relationship. Granted Christmas is very important but I would imagine that he would really rather have his feet up after eating a massive turkey. But perhaps his sense of responsibility is very strong. I know that in my team at work... there are people we can all depend on. They are the support of the group. You should perhaps ask him why he has volunteered himself for Christmas. I also think that its admirable that he would do such a thing... not just coz he is a nurse, but it shows an unselfish nature. I think you need to talk to him and not end up with lots of resentment feeling like a "doormat". Relationships are a compromise and this sometimes means we have to grin and bear!
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (16 November 2011):
Hi there
Firstly, OP I'm sorry if this comes across as a bit harsh, it's not intended to be, but I just want to get my thoughts out on your post.
My OH is a doctor, lots of my friends are and also some family members. If they get told they have to work then there is very little or nothing they can do about it. It's part and parcel of the job, and on they whole they have very little control over whether they get to have xmas or new year off.
You getting annoyed won't change anything; it won't mean he can have the time off. It will just make you look needy and demanding, as you yourself have put it. Do you think he actually wants to work nights over xmas? Of course not. He wants to be at home with you and his family. Sadly as a nurse, he doesn't get to have a nice xmas week off.
I'm afraid that going out with a health professional means that you will really have to get used to this sort of thing. It happens a lot; my OH works fairly irregular hours, and as a result we have to make our plans around that. Rotas change on a weekly basis which is a right pain if we have plans. Plenty of people I know have their xmas a few days early or a few days later because of work rotas, that's just how it goes. Perhaps you could plan your xmas for 21st or something like that? I make my own plans if this sort of thing happens, like going to see my own family. You don't need to rely on your bf- or worse, make him completely responsible- for you having a good time over xmas.
I have to say that I concur with your bf. You are being unreasonable. You are making him feel bad and guilty over something he has no control over. Come on, you're in the 36-40 age bracket, you're a grown adult, you need to be realistic. Having rows over his work isn't going to make anything any better. You should be supportive of him having to do these awful shifts which he probably doesn't want to be doing in the first place. You clearly are making him feel guilty if he is promising to have only a couple of hours' sleep in order to keep you happy. I would hate to make my OH feel like he has to do that on top of going into work to do a rubbish shift.
Your reasons for being furious in the second paragraph are well off the mark, in my opinion. Your first reason is completely selfish- do you think he wants to be exhausted and not be able to drink? And your second regarding his colleagues is neither here nor there; you can't do anything about his colleagues, you just have to accept it. That's just the way it is, and the way your bf's personality is too. It's great that he has a good work ethic. I have to say that it doesn't sound like your reasons for him having xmas off is genuine either, not from this post anyway.
I think you need to take a step back and look at the bigger situation. Why are you letting this ruin xmas? Make some other plans and have a great time. Xmas isn't all about one person. Can't you go and visit family or friends? It's only one day out of the year and it comes round every 365 days. It's not such a big deal. Make alternative plans and celebrate with your bf when he's not working.
Incidentally, at least from my experience, I don't think it is always possible to discuss shifts with a partner before agreeing to them in this sort of work environment. They often get assigned, or you have to decide on the spot. I don't always get consulted either. That's just the way it works. Don't get annoyed over that as well.
OP I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, but, I think you really need to approach this issue from a different angle. You getting angry won't help. You need to adjust your expectations of time off and holidays when you go out with nurse, doctor etc. If xmas is such a big deal then maybe this guy isn't the one for you, because the issues aren't going to go away with this line of work. If you can't handle not having your bf around at xmas then find someone with a 9-5 job. But, I think if you put your efforts into some alternative plans, and try and be supportive rather than confrontational, then you should be able to have great xmas, even if it's not exactly what you would have liked on 25/12.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (16 November 2011):
 Your boyfriend is a hero, make no mistake about that. My dad's a doctor and my step-mums a nurse... Christmas was always something that had a chance at being postponed, given the amount of accidents that the holidays inevitably bring.
Why can't other people work the shift? Well they probably can... but does that go down well with the employer? Hells no. Who do you think is more likely to get a promotion, the people who weren't available months ahead of time, or the person who reliably picks up the slack. I've worked the new years for the past 5 years because my employer doesn't beat around the bush... if you don't show up new years- no exceptions, then you're fired.
As for your "needs"... well I don't mean to belittle the importance of family or christmas... but you're not talking about "needs" here... you're talking about "wants". The numerous people who are alone, injured and dying at christmas are the ones with the "needs". Frankly, if he's not throwing around the phrase "I need you to support me in this" willy-nilly, then I think its best just to support him in this and try to make the best out of the situation.
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