A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I feel like my boyfriend is narcissistic and I'm getting tired of his behaviors. Lately, when I talk to him about my day, he interjects with how he's doing. Sometimes, he'll only respond in texts with one word answers like "Okay" or "Cool". It makes me feel unheard. When I used to go to his house, he'd spend most of the time on his computer. Mainly what bothers me is that he always mentions himself. For example, I said that when I was kid, I was rambunctious. He would say "Not me, I was a good kid." or if I mention an achievement, he would try to "one up" me. A conversation would go like "Customers at my store (that I work for) are rude." and he would say "Oh that's nothing compared to ones I've met." What difference does it make? I don't normally take things personally from anyone but because this person is close, I'm feeling like I'm lowkey being put down. He's also not depressed but constantly asks if I love him or he would say "You're mine, got it?" Who is there to compete with? We've been together for 8 years and I'm not sure if I ignored these things before and just noticed now. How should I respond or react when I feel like he's exerting "me me me" behavior?
View related questions:
depressed, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2020): Trust me, if he was indeed narcissistic; there's not much you can do to counter him. I find it odd you've decided he's narcissistic after being with him for eight years(?). You would have noticed it long before now. Even as teenagers, he would have made you feel bullied, smothered, or always under his thumb. Aggressively reminding you who's boss!
If anything, you've both been together so long he doesn't take you very seriously. You may have adopted a very passive or demure presence in your relationship; therefore, he will assume the more dominant role. Before labeling him a narcissist, maybe you should assume he's just a jerk and lousy boyfriend. You've grown-up, and you're becoming more self-aware; and finally, you're starting to judge him for the knucklehead he truly is.
If you suspect he is becoming a narcissist; you don't/shouldn't waste your time going tit-for-tat to prove anything, nor go out of your way to change him. You should breakup as amicably as possible; and go find yourself another boyfriend. You need to discover yourself and your potential; and acquire some independence. Develop your own survival-skills to avoid dependency or insecurity.
In my opinion, you've been together too long; hence, he thinks he has you all figured-out. He knew what buttons to push when you were both just teens. Now he's afraid you'll wake-up someday; and see all of his flaws and weaknesses. That's a sign you may no longer need him, or want to be with him. He has already observed how you're changing; and it's getting hard to keep-up with you. His putdowns are a defense-mechanism to keep you from thinking he's dumb or boring. He seems to always have to one-up on you. He's attempting to stunt your growth, sweetheart. He liked things better when you looked up to him, not as an equal. Not so quick to challenge him, call him out, or disagree.
He might have once felt that you're the one female he can boss-around; and has even tolerated or defended his bad-behavior for a number of years. That spoils people. Telling you "You're mine, got it?" probably means consider yourself stuck with him for-keeps. Don't even think of leaving! He thinks he has you programmed and conditioned just the way he wants you to be. It appears you've outgrown the boundaries of your schoolgirl fantasy-romance, dating-back since childhood. You've become hip to his manipulation and disrespect. It was easy to tolerate him when you were both kids; but experience and dealing with people is teaching you to be more observant; and a better judge of character than you were some years ago. You're grown-up now, you're a woman; and you don't have to put-up with that crap anymore. It's hard to decide when it's time to move on. Sometimes we'll do it voluntarily; and sometimes destiny and divine-intervention will do it for us.
If you think anyone is a narcissist; you're better-off not to keep them in your life. They progress from bad to worse. He's not your husband; so you don't have to put yourself through a strenuous process of trying to make a difficult relationship work.
You're still very young, but you should be very discerning about the kind of people you date and make your friends. They can make a serious impact on you emotionally and psychologically. The most dangerous thing about a narcissist is, they will go to any length to break your spirit. They have to, otherwise they cannot dominate or control you. They get their energy from draining yours.
Your relationship may have run its course. You are both turning into two different types of personalities as grown-ups. That doesn't necessarily make him a bad-person or a narcissist; but insecure for sure!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (25 October 2020):
 This struck me as just someone who has poor social skills and doesn't know how to hold a proper conversation. Or even someone who can't be bothered to make the effort to listen. You would be surprised (or maybe not) how many people like him there are around today. I notice it constantly. I often listen in on conversations in pubs and restaurants, and "me me me" conversations are the norm rather than the exception.
Decades ago, before mobile phones and 24/7 tv, people had to learn to talk to each other for "entertainment". The further you go back in time, the more true this is. Nowadays we don't really need to make much effort because we have so many other things to keep us entertained (like your boyfriend with his computer).
I have a couple of work colleagues who are just like your boyfriend. Whatever you say, they just wait for you to draw breath so they can jump in with their contribution. They only ask questions so they can tell you something. It is tiring and I have reached a point where I don't even bother really answering questions because I know neither of them is really interested in an answer.
Personally I would find it very difficult to stay with someone like your boyfriend but this is your boyfriend and your life so you need to make the decision which is best for you. I would prefer someone who actually listens and will offer support in the form of asking questions for more information or even saying things like "that must have been horrible for you".
How is the rest of your relationship? Is this your only issue, or is this just one of many things with which you are not happy? If you want to stay with him but just have this issue, then I would try telling him nothing at all for a couple of weeks. Just answer him vaguely if he asks any questions. See if he notices that you are not telling him anything. If he mentions it, say "I don't see the point as you don't seem to wish to listen to me". Of course there is always the possibility that he will either not notice or be quite happy that you don't tell him anything, in which case I would recommend considering long and hard whether this is how you want the rest of your life to be.
As you mention the "you're mine" comment almost as an afterthought, I am assuming it doesn't bother you? Is he controlling in other ways?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2020): In general narcissism is a personality disorder and I don't think your boyfriend is giving indication that he is one from the examples you have given.In fact I fear you may be narcissistic more than you realise.I can't see the problem with him telling you about his experiences but you are feeling offended when he comments that his experiences are worse than yours.You see that could be an opener to a very interesting conversation because quite honestly everyone has something different to contribute.But you're shutting him down by not wanting to know.And now you've found a label for him! "Me, me,me," sounds a bit contemptuous of his experiences and dilemmas he's faced. I've known of some serious nightmares connected with different work settings and I think there's nothing wrong with hearing them out or swapping work stories.So maybe next time you can probe him a bit to see if he has something interesting to say.I am wondering if you are a tad too sensitive.Because it sounds as though you are casting yourself in 'victim role' because you want a bit of sympathy.Unfortunately a lot of narcissists play this part when in fact there is nothing malicious or unkind going on, so this makes it all the more confusing.Also when he tells you that you are his, he may be trying to give you the security of knowing that he wants to stick with you rather than imply that he would do something nasty if you didnt.I'm wondering exactly what's going on here.You've been together 8 years and now you've assigned him a personality disorder because you want to quit?You can quit or leave him anytime.You don't need his, or our permission to quit.You just tell him that you don't feel the same way towards him and for you the love has died and you now want to be alone!But I don't think that's what this problem is.I think you are feeling unsettled because you haven't forwarded the relationship to include children and maybe marriage.However as you are the writer who lives your life, you alone can be the only person with any real understanding of what it is you want to do.But I suggest you give him a chance and see if you have the power to reconnect or if you feel like a blank space in his life that has no significance, then you can move life on to what you want it to be.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 October 2020):
 I have to agree with Code Warrior, it is a HUGE red flag that he will toss out a statement like :"You're mine, got it?" Because it tells you right there how he sees you. YOU are property. You are there for HIS sake. You are there to prop him up.
How often does he "inform" you, that you "belong" to him? And have you ever told him:" I'm your GF but no, you don't own me".
You have been together for 8 years and he still makes EVERY conversation or thing about him? WHY are you still with him? He can't simply listen to you, because he can't be bothered. IF he has to "one up you" about everything, even something as simple as you having dealt with rude customers, it's because he knows it will SHUT you up when he "one up you" - he is telling you that you have no right to complain. Nothing you experiences matters to him, except as a "stepping stool" for him to have seen worse or done better. Again, YOU are a prop.
He also sounds pretty immature. I mean he can't even have conversations that are a give and take. It means, to listen, to each other, we enrich each other. We learn things about out partner and what they do when we are not together.
You write: "We've been together for 8 years and I'm not sure if I ignored these things before and just noticed now." I think you have ignored it before because it seemed "normal" (for him) but you might have grown and matured in those 8 years and he... might not have grown much. Which means things that you at 18 thought was "cute" or "sweet" is not so sweet or cute at 25.
The whole "me me me" thing might also be because his life (right now) is pretty mundane and boring, and he feels the only way HE can be part of the conversation is to insert himself and one up you. You could try and ask him, :"how come whenever I bring anything up you ALWAYS make it about you? " See what he says.
You can also try and START the conversation asking HIM about his day. So maybe he can get the "me me me" out of the way? See if that makes a difference?
You can't change him OP. Accept that. And then decide if this relationship is what you really want. You have already spend 8 years with him... Can you see yourself with him in 5 years? (as he is)
I think you have simply outgrown him.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (25 October 2020):
 His behaviour, his me me me attitude has been like this all the time you have known him, for 8 years. So the likelihood of him changing is rather slim.
It would seem he has confidence and low self esteem, which is why he has to keep asking you if you love him all the time. But to go on to say " your mine got it " and " who else is there to compete with " are rather controlling comments to make.
I would find a good time and have a conversation with him and get it all off of your chest with how you feel, and more importantly how he makes you feel.
If after two or three weeks this me me me attitude and his lack of effort in this relationship continues, i think you should consider leaving him and find someone who gives you the love and respect that you so rightly deserve.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2020): It sounds to me like you're just getting annoyed with him in general, kind of a delayed 7 year itch - those quirks you once found cute are now just annoying you to the point of resentment.Been there - how do you feel about him in general? Are you still in love with him the way you were say 5 years ago?I personally don't see a huge issue in your post that would suggest narcissistic behaviour, rather it suggests he is feeling the same as I have said above, and possibly agitated by your negativity at the end of a long day maybe? Those cute little behaviours of yours could well be getting to him the way his are getting to you.It's worth taking a moment to think about the current times also and the impact. We're all suffering the impact of Covid in some way. This time last year we were all busy making plans for Christmas, booking theatre tickets, making dinner reservations, organising our work Christmas night out etc. This year we're all stuck in limbo with our freedom rights changing every day almost. For sure we are able to work etc but those extras that we take for granted are no longer available. That leaves us with little to talk about ...and so conversation soon becomes limited and boring. Try to cut your boyfriend some slack, he may just be feeling a little fed up with the lack of freedom.Maybe look into things that are still available in your area with the new social distancing measures in place and see if there's something you can both do for fun to have a little break... maybe a spa break or something?
...............................
|
