A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. We live 40 mins apart. I get very irritated because he is always late with me it seems. I am a punctual type of person and if I happen to run late I will apologize and let the person know and get there ASAP. To me that's respectful and considerate. He doesn't even seem to think anything of it. I will ask when he is coming over - he will say 5- ok great I plan on that. Then no show ... And he won't even text. I called him and he wasn't even ready to leave yet. ( had to shower, shave,dress and that takes him and hour). So he would end up being 1.5-2 hours late. When I address this HE gets mad. He thinks I'm being petty and childish. It's not even a good excuse. Just well I was at the store , got a few things. Went tanning. He is off work so that's not there for an legitimate excuse. He told me to pick my battles wisely. And to me being on time is a sign of love, mutual respect and consideration. I'm so frustrated. Especially since he thinks I'm stupid for getting upset about it. Thoughts???
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 February 2016):
 I know someone this happened to. They where always late. If you booked a table for 5, you would know they wouldn't show until 7. Very frustrating, feels like you are not important enough for an apology and taken for granted. She met a guy, she was still the same. He was straight with her if she was going to be late then that was that he would go without her and there plans would be cancelled.
If he is always letting you down then be straight with him. If he is more than 30 minutes late send him a text tell him change of plans and then lock your door. Do this for every occasion. If he does not wise up then I suggest looking for someone who wants to spend time with you and respects you.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 February 2016):
 By the way, my boyfriend used to be late in the morning and his father couldn't stand it. He was warned that next time, his father would not wait for him in the morning to drive him to school, if he was not ready on time (my boyfriend was a teenager at this time). Sure enough, the next time my boyfriend was late his dad just drove off. He's been very picky about punctuality ever since.
It works.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 February 2016):
This is a repeated problem in relationships. One person is punctual, and the other is not. For most people, even punctual ones, being late by 5-10 minutes, and th epccasional 20 minutes, is acceptable. But when it becomes a habit, or crosses over into the hours of delay, it becomes a serious problem.
Serious problems need to be handled seriously. Here is what you need to do, and you need to STICK TO IT. It's like training a dog, sorry for those to take offense, but actions have consequences and positive/correct actions get rewarded. Negative actions get ignored/no reward.
The reward is you. He gets to see you, and do what you planned, when he is on time (5-10 minutes delayed is acceptable, but no more). If he is not on time, you cancel your plans with him and do something else.
This means you need to set up plans B, something enjoyable, and follow through with it. You can decide yourself how long you are willing to wait until you follow through with plan B. For example 30 minutes. If he's called you ahead to ask if you can postpone, or to inform that he is late, you can grant him another 30 minutes delay. You decide these rules for yourself, based on your patience. I, personally, would give him 30 minutes. If he's not been heard from withing 30 minutes after we were supposed to meet, the plans are canceled and I do something else. Inform him of this, and then do your thing.
Now, this might mean you never get to see one another. If this is the case, then your relationship wasn't much to begin with. Because if he doesn't prioritize you, or the relationship, or values time spent with you, then it's not worth hanging on to anyway. Really. If he can't be bothered to meet you and hang out with you, then what's the point?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2016): I agree with what all the other Aunties have given here for advice.
As a child, my parents were constantly late for family events. I had to watch as my relatives would give my parents downright nasty glares after they finally arrived.
I try to be as punctual as I can give what I went through growing up with my parents lateness.
What he is doing to your time is rude and disrespectful.
People don't change I have found out.
I doubt if it will get better and he even gets mad at you for pointing it out to him.
My time is of value and I wouldn't be wasting it on him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 February 2016):
 I'm with Auntie BimBim.
I HATE people being late. ABSOLUTELY hate it. I think CONSTANTLY being late is a sign of disrespect and... taking someone for granted. "Oh, I said 5 but show up at 7, she won't mind she has nothing better to do but wait for me..." It's rude.
So yes, I would DO exactly like Auntie BimBim suggested. He says 5 pm, then but 5:15 you text him and let him know that you are going to do XYZ and will be back/available at 6:30 or 7pm and then be 30-45 min late.
And then gloss is OVER so smoothly his arguments will slide right off.
I'd say if he doesn't realize that this can work both ways and be JUST as annoying for him, then maybe he isn't for you.
And the whole "pick your battles" threat? So not cool.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 February 2016):
 It's true that you have to pick your battles wisely, but I happen to think that this is a very wise battle to pick.
You can't expect Swiss -watch punctuality from everybody, even if you are very punctual yourself. Some people do struggle to get organized, or have a poor perception of time so if they focus on something they lose any notion of time. And , thb, an occasional and reasoable lateness is not te end of the world, unless you have a flight to catch. So , some tolerance may be necessary for a punctual person in her dealings ...with the erst of the world.
Which is not the same as accepting to sit there twirling your thumbs while your bf takes his sweet time deciding which shower gel to use . This is totally disrespectful, and totally taking you for granted . A shocking exhibition of bad manners and lack of concern. Everybody may have to run late at times , of course- and also for non-emergency reasons ; we are human, not robots. BUT !, everybody can call / text to say, sorry , running 30 (or 60) minutes late . And most of all, he can make sure that NEXT time it won't happen, rather that counting on your meekness and making lateness a routine,or his God- given right.
So, as for me, this is a wise battle to pick. Up to the point, that even if I approve of the method suggested by Aunty Bim Bim , actually I think it's brilliant !.... personally I don't think that I would have the patience to follow it. I get very annoyed if people , through their behaviour,imply that my time ,and LIFE in general, are less important / valuable than theirs. And I could not handle a whole year of this kind of (mis)treatment . My dentist would have to change all my molars- I would have consumed the originals by constant gritting :)
Perhaps though you are a more patient and laid back person than I am, and / or the relationship is so great from any other point of view but this, that you would not consider ending it over this " detail " ( a detail between commas , because unluckily this could also the tip of the iceberg , and the sign of an arrogant, entitled attitude which will spill over into other areas. Only time will tell . )In this case, yes, try what AuntyBimBim says , and , until you re.train him to be considerate - or he retrains you to be totally undemanding, if he is a good guy focus on his several qualities rather than on this one, albeit very irritating, flaw.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (2 February 2016):
 Being consistently late is a sign of disrespect, you, and your time, are not important.
So, don't wait for him, if he says he will be there at 5, at 10past you stick a note on the door "Hi waited to 10 past 5, realised you not coming, I have gone to get hair cut (or watch a movie wit Mum, or get nails done)", should be home by 7, see you then, but don't go home until 8.
Don't get mad, if he does, just gloss over it, don't accept responsibility and don't mention his habit of being late.
After a few times of this he might be ready to hear what you have to say about punctuality.
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