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My boyfriend has just confessed that he slept with someone else

Tagged as: Cheating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 September 2017) 11 Answers - (Newest, 6 September 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I'm after some advice, I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. I have never doubted our trust or believe he has ever done anything to jeopardise our relationship.

Well that's what I thought until this Wednesday he called me down the stairs in floods of tears and shaking - that's where he told me he had done something wrong. Never would I of expected to hear the words "I've slept with someone else".

I am now stuck on whether or not to try and continue our relationshop. He is not a jack the lad, when I told everyone they were as shocked as me. No one turned around and said we saw this coming. (Which i think i would of found easier to walk away)

It took him 2 days to own up to what he had done.

Am I being a fool to give things another go? Has anyone else been through this and it's made them stronger?

I'm heartbroken and shocked, so are his family this really isn't him. He has said he's been stupid, it's was one night and he hasn't lost any love for me.

I'm just after advise from someone outside of the relationship.

View related questions: heartbroken

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2017):

Leave him now.

Take it from me. The constant worry, agony and anxiety you will feel 24/7 is going to destroy you from the inside out. There is no worse place to be than constantly imagining him cheating in every one of your waking thoughts when he is out of your reach.

Love does not conquer all when you love a cheater.

And nothing would destroy your love for another person faster than betrayal.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 September 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with CAA,

While it might be out of character for him to cheat, something is going on in his head that he MADE that choice. It's wasn't an "accident". He didn't stumble, fall and his dick just happened to land in some "strange" girl's vagina.

Who did he cheat on? Where did it happen? Why didn't he think to stop before he ACTUALLY did the act? Because he MUST have known that it wasn't a good thing for his relationship with you. Drunk or not, he can still think, and he can still make choices. That is why MOST of us understand that driving drunk is a huge no no. And we CHOOSE not to do it. Those who do end up driving drunk MAKE the choice it, disregards the knowledge that it's not safe. It's STILL a choice! A dumbass choice. Same with your BF and having sex with another girl.

You might feel HE is your "soul mate" but are you his?

Sure he felt remorse and guilt AFTERWARDS but what good is that?

TAKE your time to decide WITHIN yourself if you can forgive this and move forward or not. And remember ONCE you KNOW you can forgive it, that incident goes in the past and is NOT to be taken out when arguments arise and slapped in his face nor should it be used in any way against you OR him.

Personally, could I forgive it and stay with someone who cheated on me? No. I could forgive them but not stay with them. Because? I'd lose respect for them. I'd lose trust in them. Without trust and respect... well, the whole house of cards and love starts to crumble.

I do know people who have stayed and made it work. It takes a LOT of work to move forward. It's not just YOU forgiving it and all is fine and dandy. It's HIM working through WHY he did it (and "I was drunk" is no excuse, neither is "I don't know why it happened"). HE NEEDS to figure out why this happened and YOU need to understand that OR it could happen again.

I think your BEST bet at working on forgiving him is to TALK to him and find out WHY it happened. NO need for all the nitty gritty details but you do need to be "informed" to make a decision. IMHO.

I have to say talking to ALL your friends about it - it's NOT the right way to go about it. This needs to be sorted out between the two of you not "publicly broadcasted".

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A female reader, ALM12 United States +, writes (6 September 2017):

ALM12 agony auntFrom personal experience (being cheated on in a relationship) it does not make the relationship stronger at all.. If you take him back, the relationship wont feel the same and you will have your guard up 24/7... plus his respect for you may lower and he may (God forbid) cheat on you again but know you will take him back... Honestly know your worth dear and know you deserve a lot better..

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (5 September 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI honestly cannot see how this would make your relationship stronger, when people say that I don't tend to believe them. It will put a crack in your relationship. Only you can decide if you are able to forgive him and learn to trust him again. I know personally I couldn't. If my husband cheated he would be gone, I couldn't put myself through that, I was cheated on in the past and I would not be prepared to put myself through it again, the trust was gone, when he was out at work I wondered if he was with anyone, always wondered who he was on the phone to. It is not healthy and I would never put myself through it again.

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A female reader, Caring Aunty A Australia +, writes (5 September 2017):

Caring Aunty A agony auntIt may well be out of character for him, a onetime huge mistake, it does happen. However you elected to broadcast this embarrassment to friends etc. where it could have remained private between you and him to work things out.

I think there’s a bit of a martyr creeping in at your age; because I don’t understand why you told "EVERYONE” unless it’s over with! Now you want to stay, forgive him, fix the relationship so you can say, and everyone will see; you’ve tried if/when he betrays you again.

He may not have lost any love for you, BUT he sure lost total undeniable respect for you to go poke someone else! There is something going on inside his head that he’s not telling you.

I’d be saying; sure he made a huge mistake which I’m strong and secure in myself enough to walk away from, rather than foolishly torment myself for years and develop insecurities waiting to see IF this happens again when children could be in the picture by then.

Walking away is what makes one stronger

Take Care – CAA

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A male reader, Sam Wilson United States +, writes (5 September 2017):

Sam Wilson agony auntHi Poster,

First of all Im sorry your boyfriend cheated on you, its heart wrenching to read that and I hope youre doing fine.

People ( both in and out of the relationship ) tend to think that when a someone cheats, that its a deal breaker its over, the trust is broken. Although thats partly true for me, it can never really apply to all people.

Being a romantic, I for one think that if you love each other as much as you do it is fair that you give your relationship a chance. For me and this is one guys opinion it is always safe to bet on love. Seek your hearts desire and let it breath in the moment before ever proving it wrong.

You know him more than any of us, you can stare into his eyes and detect sincerity or deceit, even though this maybe unforgetable for both of you this isnt full unforgivable.

Things may never be as it once was but you can still learn and grow from it. Will you take him back or move on it is ultimately up to you.

In its core,Love is what fuels and drives a you love him enough to forgive and forget. Do you believe everything he says without a hint of doubt in your mind? Can you last a day without thinking of him? These are factors that generally affect your decision.

We all eventually discover that Love isnt always pretty and easy as people find love unique to their own lives. Some are given love from the start while others crawl through the mud to fight for theirs. Consider it.

Being the one in doubt, its your choice to fight for love or to find another one. You said that you have never doubted him before and trust him completely. Do you believe him now? Then continue you relationship with him just be true to yourself and think smart all while listening to your heart.

Best of luck with everything and I hope you resolve the matter soon.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (5 September 2017):

N91 agony auntIt's very, very easy to connect with another person.

Whether it's out of character or not, he still made that choice to cheat. I don't think your soul mate would do that to you.

I've had a good 4/5 girls over the years that I felt I could have a great future with and out of those it happened with 0. It's easy to build up a good chemistry with someone but that doesn't necessarily mean they're the one you're going to spend your life with and if you've Gotten close to someone before it will happen again even if you don't think it will.

If you think you can trust him by all means go for it. Like I said earlier, if I was personally cheated on I would be done, I couldn't imagine my partner with someone else and let it slide.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

We both just connect in such a way, I do believe he is my soul mate.

I can't walk away so easily, I just think if I give it ago and it happens again I feel I can walk away saying I've tried.

He's respecting that I've asked for space but is making the effort in messaging me but no all the time. I just think is so out of character!

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (5 September 2017):

N91 agony auntThis is on you. How are you feeling? Can you rebuild the trust?

Personally, the thought of my partner with someone else would give me no option but to sever all ties.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (5 September 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntWhat does your gut instinct tell you? If you were to close your eyes right now and take a decision this instant, what would you do? Do you think you can trust him again? Do you think the relationship will restore to it's previous setting if he promises to never do this again?

Personally if it were me then I'd never be able to forgive something like this but then to each his own. Just think it through but be prepared for a rough road ahead

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A female reader, Arielle United States +, writes (5 September 2017):

I have not had this happen to me where someone admitted it and I'm still not sure if it. But, there is some issue with him where he is not getting some need fulfilled be it stroking his ego, wanting to date around more since you are young, attention, etc. It is not anything that you did ever. It's all on him. But, I would think that you could never trust him the same way anymore. If he gets a pass, he knows that he can get away with it. But, at least he is acting guilty. But, he would never have done it if he really did not think he could get away with it on some level. His conscience may have gottten the best of him in the end.

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