A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm confused. My current boyfriend with whom I'm in a LDR with for over a year seems to be the kind of guy who is used to his girlfriend buying him things and paying for things/meals. This is the first boyfriend (I've had 4 BFs) or guy I know that accepts this treatment from girls. Most guys I know and hang out with are the gentlemen who pays for the girl and gifts the girls.A bit of history. My boyfriend's EX-EX was also a LDR girlfriend. Her family is rich, so she bought him a lot of brand name things and even paid for his school and part of his car. But that relationship ended after a year. They argued and he dumped her. He still hates her today. His EX (the girl before me) was local, didn't have money and he lived with her and helped her pay a lot. For me, I make good money from work and has also bought him brand name, paid for his trips, newest iphone, and lots of other expensive things for his family as well. It almost seems like he thinks it's normal for me to do that. He has bought me gifts but no where close to what I've gotten him. He also keeps asking me to 'lend' him money to buy a car.. He asks every other month and I keep telling him I don't have any and he keeps asking.. every other month for the past year!! It's getting so annoying!!! He doesn't work and spends a lot on food for himself and things for himself. I honestly don't know where he gets the money, and even if he works, he works part time making minumum wage.He does act like he really loves me and says he loves me A LOT. But totally not sure what to think of this guy.... I've never met someone like this.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 December 2015):
 block him now. their is NO emergency he could have that would require an EX girlfriend to attend to. You are still letting him in and permitting him space in your brain to manipulate you.
get through the holidays...
THEN send a lovely note to his FAMILY explaining that you never saw any of the money you lent them. That he kept it.
Explain that while you will miss them (and would love to maintain a relationship with THEM) that being with their SON is not an option.
Explain to them that it's not that you don't love him it's that you can't AFFORD Him. and let them know he did not carry his fiscal weight.
I see no harm in that.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 December 2015):
 "His family thinks that dinners and gifts and even my trips to visit him are paid by him. But all that to me is OK, as long as every one is happy and it's within budget, it shouldn't matter who pays more or less. I just started seeing too many red flags when he started trying to cheat me like this. He hasn't had a job in over 6 months and is running low on cash, I understand. But he needs to find a job and not be this way."
You have been enabling him. You're OK with handing a guy cash as long as it keeps everyone happy.
The thing is, it DOES matter to you. And he's been lying to his family. And you've been lying by omission to his family.
So stop trying to keep everybody happy. That's not your job, really and truly, it's not.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 December 2015):
 What if there's a real emergency? Well then he'll go to his family! You're not his wife, you have obligations towards him. My guess is the only emergency this guy runs into will require you to pay him loads of money, some way or other.
For real, hes "sick" and needs you to take care of him? You were in a long distance relationship, what care could you possibly be offering? Oh wait, let me guess, he would like you to buy him some medicine/clothes to keep him warm and maybe order his Chinese takeout ....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis family doesn't know any of this. They would always pay us back for things they ask us to buy.. they just don't know that he never gives the money back to me. His family thinks that dinners and gifts and even my trips to visit him are paid by him. But all that to me is OK, as long as every one is happy and it's within budget, it shouldn't matter who pays more or less. I just started seeing too many red flags when he started trying to cheat me like this. He hasn't had a job in over 6 months and is running low on cash, I understand. But he needs to find a job and not be this way. He kept calling today and when I didn't answer he kept texting to say he's sick and needs me to care. I ignored that too. I don't want to get to the point where I have to block him because it's the holidays and what is there's a real emergency. But if he continues this after a month or so, I will block him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2015): I am glad you have licked this guys butt to the curb.
I am not tight but I have an enormous amount of pride. I always pay my way and if I cant I go without. No man with morals would allow a women to support his life and this works both ways.
Ayn Rand wrote a paper about money and I suggest you read it, its called The Meaning Of Money, it explains all of the characteristics of people's attitudes towards money. She also wrote a paper about The Meaning Of Sex which is well worth a read.
Some people are shameless and the thought of paying for their own life is abhorrent.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 December 2015):
 I see why you have had a hard time letting go, it wasn't him it was the family you didn't want to break up with.
But you weren't "dating" his family, you were dating him. And while they were nice people, they were also VERY OK with their son "arranging" loans from you, his own little ATM.
Maybe now is the time to reflect on why you felt it was OK for a man to do what he did, and what you want for yourself in the future, and in a partner.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 December 2015):
Good for you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI broke up with him tonight. Because he kept asking and pressuring me about the car. He said he has $8,000 from his family, so why not use it to get a used car.. Why ask me to chip in more? His only answer is he wants something more reliable.
Also, his younger brother is getting married next year. The actual wedding is in the summer and will be done Thai style per his wife. They will be doing a Chinese tea ceremony in January, which his brother and future wife serves tea to immediate family members, and in return they give them red envelope with money and gold jewelry. My boyfriend's father and his brother asked me to participate. I said I will go even though I'm not suppose to partake of the tea as him and I are not officially married yet. I did offer to chip in to buy a gold bracelet for the bride to be so he can give it to her when she serves him tea. Tonight he said she doesn't want the gold bracelet but cash instead. I said, well then I won't contribute as I will not take the tea and there's no need for me to give her a red envelope with cash. He immediately changed his mind and said maybe we should stick with giving her a gold bracelet. I think this incident was the last straw for me. I honestly do not want to leave a guy because of money issues. Plus I have such a deep bond with his family, especially his dad. I can't imagine myself not calling his dad my own dad. I can't imagine how sad his dad and family members will feel if we broke up... but tonight, I saw it all. I can't be with this guy. It's not only about money but he is trying to use me and cheat me. I am suppose to be someone he loves and someone he says he will soend forever with, how can he do that?
I ended it and blocked him. I think Im more sad about never seeing his family again, to be honest.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 December 2015):
Honey, he is not a fixer upper building, he is a human being. A house you can "fix" - humans? No.
He is that way because he CHOOSE to be and because it has worked for him for quite a while. I doubt it's something he will want YOU or anyone to "fix" for him.
The fact that he is in his 30's makes it less likely that he will ever change. It will just get harder for him to find women to mooch on.
I don't think you will end it, You will stick it out and he will clean you out.
So good luck.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 December 2015):
Btw, why on earth should he start looking for a job in a MONTH, and not right away? You're just making up excuses for him.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 December 2015):
No no no no!
You can not help him change his personality! No woman on earth can do that! No one can change another person! The only way a person can change is if they themselves take initiative and want to change! This is not, i repeat NOT, something you can hope to change, or help him with. He is already a full on adult, if he wanted to grow up he would have already!
Fine, waste your time and money on this man, and get yourself a heartache in the process. You obviously haven't learned yet to NOT try and save a man or change him. I guess you need to learn the hard way, because you refuse to listen to good and sound advice when we tell you to walk away and leave him to himself.
As for why he is the way he is? Why does it matter? You're only asking this to give yourself some excuse to stay and rationalize it to yourself. As in: oh, he must have had a hard childhood, poor thing, I should help him by giving him money.
No, his other siblings are fine, he's the way he is because this is who HE CHOSE TO BE. This is how he wants to be, because if it wasn't, he'd have changed already!
And anyway, it is not your job to "help" him, nor can you. But I guess you wont listen to what we're telling you, so go ahead and have the shitty experince you're about to have wen wasting 2-3 years of your life or more trying to "help" this guy.
I think you're only with him because it makes you feel like a good person and the better person, and you're scared of not being "needed" by a partner, so don't dare to enter a relationship with someone your equal. But that's just my guess.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know everyone here is right about his personality and I know deep down he is using women to provide for him what he cannot provide for himself.
But what I don't understand is why is he like that? He has three other siblings and none are like that. How is it that he has turned into a money hungry guy? I want to believe that he will grow up and he will change.
I told him he needs to start looking for a job starting January 4th, right after the holdays. He has a lot of changes to make in both his personality and life schedule. I'm going to try to help him with that. We discussed it and he knows he needs to change his habits and work at getting back on track.
I think little gifts here and there for him and his family is OK. When he first met my mom, he did buy her an expensive box of ginseng. And although his gifts to me aren't expensive, he went back to the place we did pottery together and sat there by himself painting me a little ceramic container to put candy in at work so when I think of him I can take a piece of candy from the container.
I know he may never change.. but I just need to try at least once to help him 'grow up' and rely on himself instead of others to take care of his needs. I already told him we are going to work on that and he agrees.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 December 2015):
I read something online the other day that applies in this case. "Givers have to set limits because takers rarely do." --Irma Kurtz
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 December 2015):
Of course he thinks: "what is yours is mine!" because that is super convenient for HIM isn't it? But he also thinks: what is mine is mine". So add that up.
He is in his 30's and have a history of mooching of women (basically) he doesn't work consistently, he think he is entitled to stuff he can't afford. HE isn't going to change - why would he? He is conning YOU out of money, using his family as an excuse, like " he doesn't have an Amazon account".. SERIOUSLY? Why didn't you just tell the BF to suggest the uncle MAKE an Amazon account? Because it WASN'T about having an account or not, it was for YOU to pay for whatever item your BF wanted you to order.
I'm guess you are a very nice person, but you are also a tad naive if you really can't (or won't) see that he is using you as him own personal ATM. Even IF you occasionally say no, he still tries.
You say "I don't like that side of him" but seriously... THIS IS WHO he is! I don't know how you go about ignoring it.
And you said in an earlier post that you had stopped buying him stuff.... yet you JUST bought him stuff from Amazon for $100. KNOWING he isn't going to pay you back, knowing that he will promise to do so, UNTIL he gets what he wants.
He is playing you for a total fool. He knows you won't stand up for yourself and say - I want the $100 now. And not take no for an answer.
Are you afraid to rock the boat? If you stop paying for stuff?
He broke up with the ex-ex (whom he hates) - my BEST guess is that he HATES her because she STOPPED paying for stuff or because she had enough of being used..
Then he dated an ex a while but she has no money for him to mooch on, so what? He dumped her and found a woman who makes good money... WHAT are the odds?
Please wake up and smell that mocha! He would clean you out in a heartbeat.
And going by what a generous and nice person you are who has a life and career going for her - IS that really the best BF you think you can get?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2015): He obviously doesn't like you much as he is always seeking monetary investment from you in return for his time. He is a gold digger and you do not have enough respect for yourself as you go along with it passively. His family lending/ asking him money are either lies made up by him or he has a very corrupt family. Start asking him for money even a small amount such as for dinner and see how he reacts or if he even sticks around.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 December 2015):
No, there is not a chance to make this work. A man (adult one at that) is not a work in progress that needs saving from a girlfriend to get "fixed". He's like this, and he will forever be like this. It's not working now, and it will not get better in the future either!
I don't get why you're even with him, there is no way you and him can have a future unless you are happy to be his "purse" as said before, or be his "mommy" and let him act like a 5 year old. He will not EVER contribute with anything.
Listen to yourself and read what you wrote. What's mind boggeling here is NOT that he keeps scamming you for money, what's crazy here is that you LET HIM. Sure he keeps asking, because it's worked so well in the past and you have paid up! So yeah, a thief and a scammer as he is (and yes, make no mistake, this man IS stealing from you), his actions are totaly logical. He wants money, you give him money, so keeps asking for money.... This isn't rocket science!
But why you keep giving it to him, on the other hand, is quite strange. Why you're still with him is even stranger. You sound smart, not an idiot, you know this isn't right of him, you know he's stealing from you, you know this isn't how it's supposed to be. Who brain washed you into thinking you need to accept this?
Walk away! Being single is NOT so scary that you should rather stick to this arrangement with a man who doesn't even live near you and who just wants your money on a weekly basis. I mean what are you getting out of this arrangement? What does he give you that's so great you can't move on while you still have money in your account and it's not all his because "you're practically married so all that is yours should belong to him"??!?!?!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 December 2015):
Is there a chance to make this work you ask?
WHY would you want to?
Add up how much this man has "borrowed"from you via himself or his "family" and then ask if you want to go through this forever with him?
Is settling for a mooch like this guy really want you want?
In addition it's LDR...
i thnk letting this small fish go is a better plan
but if you want to spend the rest of your life being bullied into giving him money for nothing you can stay.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm curious to know - is a relationship doomed once money comes into play? Or is there still a chance to work on this. I don't think he is a bad guy and definitely not a player. He's just too used to being taken care of by women and family. He's the eldest in the family but acts like the baby in the family. He needs direction and ambition and time to start acting his age.
Is there a chance to make this work?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMIND-BOGGLING is the exact term to describe his actions!!
He says we've been together for *so long* and he feels *so close* to me that it's almost as if we are husband and wife and what is mine is his and his is mine! LOL When he DID work last year, he never even told me where he worked and exactly how much money he made, yet he know my exact work place and income.
He asked me to lend him $20K to buy a car a few months after we dated saying it's just a small amount. I said no, it's not a small amount and takes a while to save up. He said anyone woukd've loaned it to him no questions asked. I didn't lend it to him, but he ended up buying a car still - for $10K. So I said, why did you ask me to lend you $20K when your car only costed $10K? He said the other $10K was to buy another car as investment. I already thought that was shady but dismissed it since I never ended up lendig him the money. I don't know what is up with this guy with always asking people to lend him money to buy cars.
He asked again tonight, saying henerds $8K.. He said he's using it to buy a new Toyota Carolla, his family is chipping in $8K and he asked me for $8K, so his new Toyota Carolla can be fully paid for in cash. I told him to just put down $8K from his family and finance the rest. He said he doesn't want to and not to ask why. LOL Well, I would LOVE to have a brand new car fully paid for too.. but if I can't afford it then I'd take the $8K my family loaned me and buy a certified used car or use it as down payment and finance the rest myself. Why would I ask my bf/gf to pay for it???? This is just mind boggling!!! I really don't appreciate or respect this side of him.
He asked me last week to *help* his uncle purchase something from Amazon because he doesn't have an Amazon account. It's only a little over $100, but last week he was still saying he'll pay me back. Today after he received the item, he stops even mentioning that he will pay me back. I'm suppose to just give it to him because he's currently having such a hard time with trying to get a car.....!!! Mind boggling!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 December 2015):
I wonder where you met this super-mooch! Because he is very good at his game. And I wonder where the idea that he can't get a better paying job or more hours in his whole State.
And maybe you don't WANT to "ding" him for having bad credit, no ambitions, no real income...... But what kind of future do you really think you have with a man who is SO OK scamming his GF? His ex ex GF? And goodness knows who else. He can easily have some online sugar-mommas. Because his family doesn't seem to have much money and he seems to have money.
If he sincerely though you wouldn't want money back from his family, wouldn't a DECENT guy have given them to the aunt (or whomever) Instead he KEEPS the money. He takes the money FROM you because he feels entitled to it. As in "she has plenty but I don't have much so I'll just take this". It's called stealing.
My guess is when you said no to buying him a car he came up with the "lending" relatives money. He pretends you are a bank, he is being gracious to his relatives OFFERING them YOUR money up for "loans". Which they say yes too - again MIND-BOGGLING! and they then pay him back because they think that A. it's HIS money or B. that he will give it back to you... But he pockets the money. IF you added all these "loans" up - what would the total be?
Sorry, he sounds like a total loser. And I'm sorry that you can't see that you can do better.
And in a year, what do you think will happen? If you don't want him to move in with you now... why in a year? What do really think will change in a year?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 December 2015):
 This "relationship" is 'way out of balance.....
SURE he sez he "...loves you a lot..." (AND acts like that, too...) What sane guy wouldn't do that, if he'd found a woman (you, in this case) who will pay his way, AND give him a "pass" for being a cheapskate?????
Think long and hard if this really is a "relationship" or a "purse" arrangement....
Good luck....
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female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (3 December 2015):
 This is really strange. I'm all for equality of the sexes but this isn't equal at all. I understand he's not financially well-off but I don't think it's appropriate to ask a girlfriend for help with finances in that way. I'm also concerned that he never returns the money "borrowed" and assumes that he's allowed to keep it. That plainly shows s lack of simple morals-if it isn't yours, it is not yours to keep. It may be that he isn't a bad guy but his view of things don't align with yours all. He needs to grow up and attain a sense of independence. You're independent and taking care of yourself. He's not and trying to share in your success (moving into your house, having you buy him a car etc.) I'm glad to hear that you have not given in. Put your foot down on the loans too. You owe them nothing! Honestly, I don't see compatibility here. You are being groomed for a caregiver/mother role where you take care of all his wants and needs. At the end of the day, the attraction will die and quickly. You'll need a partner not a pseudo-son. Don't give in to his requests. And if you do decide that he is the man for you, I would hope that he makes moves to get himself a decent career. There are no excuses. If he wants certain things out of life, he needs to work for it like most people do.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 December 2015):
Absolutely you can "ding" him for not paying you back the money you were supposed to get in return from the times you bought his family stuff! Now, seeing as you KNOW he does NOT pay you this money, but KEEPS IT FOR HIMSELF, now what does that tell you about this man?
He's scamming you.
Please, leave him. He is using you for his meal ticket. He wants to come live with you because he thinks he can live with you for free. And because once he gets his ass down on your couch it'll be a 1000 times harder to dump him or kick him out. You'd end up paying all bills and utilities and groceries. Trust me on this one. That's what I landed in with my "loving" boyfriend who just couldn't pay the bills this month... or the next... and what the heck was I supposed to do, kick him out when he supposedly had no where else to live?
Listen, he is an ADULT. It is HIS responsibility to make sure he has a roof over his head and can afford to buy himself the things he needs. But who the f "needs" an Iphone??? No one.
Read my article on the matter, before he ruins your credit as well and ruins your future:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-avoid-being-used-financially.html
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 December 2015):
the whole family is scamming you..
STOP BEING a bank. never buy anything for them because it's "easier" for you.
JUST say NO.
and let him come to see you. and pay for it himself.
this is a very one sided relationship and YES you can "ding" him for being an "adult" who is not fiscally responsible for himself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso I know that he is not with another woman. We are in constant contact all day, every day, from the moment we wake up til when we go to bed. If he doesn't hear from me in an hour or so he will call or message me. I hear his voice and background noise and I always know where he is and he always knows where I am. He is just that kind of a guy. Sometimes when I'm super busy at work, I'll ignore his calls and messages and he'll get super worried - not that I'm doing something wrong but that something might have happened to me.I live in the middle of Silicon Valley in California where companies like Yahoo, Google, Facebook are housed. It's normal for us to make six figures here, or close to it. Where he is, most people make minumum wage or a little more than that. I can sit in my office and watch youtube videos all day and still get paid while he is sweating at work. I've learn that it's just different.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh yes, I have stopped buying him things once I started noticing just how odd all this is. No more expensive gifts for him or his family, no more fine dining. I'm not competing with his Ex-Ex. I'm just a generous person and actually didn't know about his Ex-Ex until months into the relationship and just found out yesterday she paid partially for his car.When he asks to borrow money for a car, I just brush him off and even during several occasions told him how frustrated I am of him asking me and that he needs to stop asking becauseI'm not going to lend it to him. He acts like he never heard it and just keeps asking again and again!These days, he'd ask me to help relatives buy things claiming they will pay me back. They do pay me back, but he takes the money and never gives it to me. I confronted him once saying "Didn't your aunt pay me back?" He said "Oh yea she did, but I didn't think you'd want it." So... He takes it for me??? What is he thinking? Similar recent situation, his uncle needed something and he was on the phone with me making sure I ordered it for him, claiming again he'll pay me back. He seems to think this method is working so he wanted me to get things for his brother, I just told him, sorry hunny they don't sell it here, you can get it online. He wanted me to surf online with him and I said I'm tired, need to go to sleep, you buy it on your own!We see each other quite often, of course I fly there to see him. We were talking about being physically together next year. I do have a house here and he had mentioned a few times he "really" wants to be with me and wants to move here to live with me "temporarily". I said NO. I said if anything I can move to where he is and am able to work remotely.Thing is, I can't ding him for not having money, can't ding him for accepting gifts because I genuinely wanted to give them to him, can't ding him for not having a better job, can't ding him for having bad credit, can't ding him for needing money to buy a reliable car... but all these paints a picture of a guy who is just weird....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 December 2015):
Stop buying him things, stop sending him money. And tell him the next time he asks you to "lend " him money that if he asks you again it's over (and then END it with him when he asks again)
how often do you see this guy? what's the plan to end the distance? I ask these questions because an LDR needs these things to become a "real" relationship. LDRs cannot survive long term without plans to end the distance part. Plans need to be concrete such as "I am moving to be with my partner in 8 months"
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 December 2015):
I think you set a precedence for him to expect presents and paying for him, by ACTUALLY buying him expensive things and paying for him.
He works part time at minimum wage... that around $200 a week. So no wonder that he is trying to get OTHERS to pay for, and buying him stuff, HE certainly can't afford it. What I just don't get is... Why you choose to buy him and his family all these things. Were you trying to compete with that rich ex ex gf of his? Why did he "need" the latest IPhone? And if he "needed" that... why did YOU have to pay? He is your BF, not your child.
If he is in your age group - 30-35 and he works part time and minimum wage, then he can't have much ambitions, drive or even ability to buy stuff or pay for anything - nor does he think he has too, he seems quite capable of getting women to do that for him. He sounds utterly irresponsible.
You aren't sure about this guy? Well, I don't know him from Adam, but he sounds like an entitled user. My guess is that rich ex ex gf of his... their ARGUMENTS were over HER not wanting to buy him everything he wanted. Of cause he "hates" her... she told him no at some point!
How do you see a future with this guy? You have any idea of his finances? Either he is using NOT only you, but other women, his parents, family or friends - OR he is heavily in debt. Because $200 a week gets you VERY little. That is in some States barely enough to keep a roof over your head and the utilities paid, in other States NOT enough to pay rent with.
And you have been LDR for a year - that WHOLE year he has asked for you to "lend" him money for a car..... You really think.... he would EVER pay you back? I doubt that because he DOESN'T have income to pay you back, that is why he can't get a REAL loan.
All that good money you made from work WHY waste it on him? Why not build up a nice nest egg for a house, apartment, car, travel... WHY give them to this man-child? I just really don't understand why you think you HAVE to by him stuff. I get occasional gifts or a nice dinner out to celebrate or spoil a partner... but to be FINANCING his life? Just.. no... total deal-breaker.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 December 2015):
Oh, and don't be too hard on yourself, we all like to believe all people are decent and honest, and when our feelings get in the way it's hard to see things for what they are. I've been in your shoes with a mooching boyfriend who would just "borrow" money and there was always some emergency when he needed me to pay. Did I ever see any of that money again? Never. That's how we learn. If something seems off, then listen to your inner alarm bell.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 December 2015):
You don't know where he gets the money? Well, sweetie, you honestly don't believe you are the only woman he mooches on, do you?
It's a LDR. you have no idea what he is up to when he's not sucking up to you for money. When the lap lop is closed, what does he do with all his free time? You say he doesn't work... My intuition is telling me that he's out there chatting up other people for money. Not necessarily relationship-wise, but as you asked yourself... where does he get the money to live when he does not work. Only one answer to that. It doesn't rain on him from the heavens, that's for sure. He's asking other people for the same "gifts" and "loans" as he's asking you.
Wake up and smell the coffee. This man is USING you. Stop paying for things for him and see how long he sticks around.
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